Hello,
I'm in a horrible depression and in desperate need of some help. I've been with my wife for 15 years and we've been married for 4. We were high school sweethearts. She was 15 and I was 17 when we met, so it took me 11 years to make sure we were right for each other before marrying.

About 6 months ago, i found out that she's been having an affair for over a year. I was devestated to say the least and I kicked her out of the house to her parents. She kept coming back saying sorry and she wanted to work things out, but i was too distraught and confused to commit to that. She said the affair was over, but i had a hard time trusting her. However, i agreed to go to marriage counseling, but she was not giving me the amount of remorse that i needed. I felt like she was just saying things because she was supposed to. About 3 months into it, I figured i was asking for too much and i know that she has a huge problem talking about her feelings. That was the root cause of the problem. She never told me anything was wrong in our marriage. Just when i was about to come around and work things out, i found out the affair was still going on. To make that story short, the other guy was married with kids. I got in contact with his wife and she threatened to take the kids away and the affair was over. That's when my wife completely turned a 180 on me and flipped. She said that she needs her space and she doesnt know if she wants to work things out with me anymore. She wanted to be completely separated from me.

I have not seen her in over a month, and now she says she doesn't love me "that way" anymore and that i wasnt there for her emotionally. She keeps saying that we will never workout, but she is not ready to make a decision about divorce. I've been trying to contact her and be nice, but she is very cruel to me and ignores all of my attempts. She said she is talking to other guys now and has totally stopped responding to me. This is tearing me up inside.

Some people have mentioned a book on some other posts.. "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. They said to read the book and do not show any despair to my wife. Unfortunately, I have already shown alot of despair for the past month and she has completely cut me off. Is it too late for me? I am paralyzed right now and feel like dying... everythings turning out to be the worst. Please help me if you can. I'm sorry this was so long.

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Please post this over on General Questions - there is a tremendous amount of advise there. Start learning about Plan A and B so you can begin to execute them. Your wife is displaying classic fog behavoir typical of a WS.

DrowningMan,

First you need to get help for the depression. Please see a qualified psychiatrist who can determine the appropriate therapy for you. A family practioner is not as knowledgable.

Second, things will eventually turn around. It's the depression tricking you into thinking this is an every downward slope. (Trust me, I've had bouts of depression since I was a young child.) There is hope even if you can't feel it yet.

Now, of course, you reacted naturally to the situation, and that made the situation worse. The MB approach is about as natural as snow in Key Largo, but it works. And there's still some time to implement it.

Do you understand what happened?

The affair was exposed. This is a prime opportunity for it to end. But, you were nasty, so life with you didn't look like a bed of roses. You (rightfully) expected a high level of contrition and remorse, but WS rarely show that, and almost never in the beginning. My bet is you were LBing, and you certainly weren't interested in making changes in your own behavior, after all she screwed up.

But, that's what she needed to see: You making changes to make her happy. (I know, it's ucky that the WS reaps benefits from her bad behavior.) Plus, you were to protect her from your anger and hurt and even be understanding.

When you reacted naturally, life with you wasn't as appealing as fantasy life with OM. So, she makes a little contact, and then the A is raging again.

You find out and OM's wife. (That was good. The light of day is always good, but she ought to know.) However, your wife reacted naturally. She is royally p.o.'ed at you. Now, she cuts you off.

I think if you take a deep breath, and read up on Plan A, all the basic concepts, you can still come through this.

Give her her space, but also meet any needs she'll let you meet. Express to her once, preferrably in a letter you've vetted on MB FIRST, that you still love her and want to remain married to her.

And settle in for the long haul. This won't be fixed overnight. But there's a lot of history between you two. That's good. The fact that she hasn't filed for divorce is good.

See if you can find a thread on Emotional Needs by The Tall Man. If I remember correctly, his wife was actively dating after separating from him. He had a lot of bad habits, plus an affair, that he had to make up for. He won her back after months and months of hard work. Almost up until the end Mrs. TTM said it would never work. It did. They are back together and working through problems together.

There's hope.

I get that you've been wounded, but I see a lot of Love Busting in your tone. If I was your wife, I may have gone elsewhere, too. (not really, but you need to hear it)

I kicked her out - you have all the power?
she was not showing the proper amount of remorse - it was your right to determine how contrite she should be? shall she forever be working to please you?
it took me 11 years to be sure we were right for each other - how do you think she felt waiting around while you determined if she was worthy of marrying you?
she has a hard time talking about her feelings; that was the root of the problem, she never told me she was unhappy - Are you sure? It's her problem that led to an affair? Nothing to do with you? The fact that she couldn't be honest was the problem, not that something in the marriage was making her unhappy?
she is very cruel to me and ignores me - Is she truly cruel, or is she hurt that the situation has escalated and that you may be LBing all over the place and making her feel bad?

I'm not trying to pick on you, but your text throws out a lot of red flags - potential problems with control, superiority, judgment, belittling, not taking her seriously, not treating her as an equal...I could go on, but IMO, you need to do some hard assessing of yourself before she would ever consider choosing you again.

The only thing I would do if I were you is ask her to fill out the questionnaires here so that you can get an honest feedback from her on just what it was about the marriage that made her unhappy and willing to look elsewhere. Be prepared for some hard truths. Counseling would work, too, if she were willing.

It would tell her that you are honestly interested in knowing what she's feeling and thinking. It's the only way I'd be willing to consider working with you again, if I were her.

Thank you for your replies. I reposted on the General Questions II forum and didn't know people were responding to this one. I really appreciate everything you both said and hope you will continue on my post in GQII.

Not sure if this link will work.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3348101

By the way Greengables, thanks for recommending the thread on Emotional Needs by The Tall Man. It's the best thread I've seen so far and it's given me a completely new outlook on things. Thanks again.

kinda sounds like me, Drowning Man, funny how hind sight is crystal clear, but seeing your own actions as bad or harmful makes you think your blind to your own ways. I too feel love for my seperated wife..I would do anything to recover it before all love is dead( she says she has feelings but not the same or as strong ) * glimmer of hope here * but do not know if this situation I'm in and sounds like your in can be recovered ( sorry don't mean to rain on your parade here ) I have been so messed up and unable to think, eat, and exist that I kinda have 2 mindsets on your situation and mine. Perhaps this is a test for both of us from GOD? perhaps the devil is just laughing his fool head off because he thinks he has all but destroyed us...who knows, well one does but I don't seem to be getting answers from HIM.