well this was the week I had decided to go to plan B. but...my wife just left my home after a talk. It was not planned, but at lunch when I picked up daughter for a swim class, I asked her about me going out of town on halloween with daughter and she emotionally freaked. She left work early to come over to talk to me. We cleared up issues about daughter and then .... I asked her if she thinks she is in love. She said yes as much as one can be in 4 months. Said she is not seeking divorce yet, because she still has some doubt about how fast it has been. Not sure if that is good or bad. But, when I asked what needs were being met at beginning or what OM did to "attract her" she said, "I don't think it was anything he did, my initial feelings were attraction, desire, and wanting to know him more. It was solidified by conversation and affection that followed." She said that those initial feelings where ones she had not felt in a long time (never with me) and that she had thought were gone or she buried them. So yeah I guess it was an awakening (or reawakening after 13 yrs from last boyfriend when she first met him). Is it enough? I guess it is for now, and it can last a long time, long enough for her to give up on her marriage and give up her daughter half the time. Ugh...I hate when these so called fantasy relationships seem very real to us and also to the betrayer. She asked if I wanted to go to that ELMO movie as a family this weekend. We discussed halloween, and daughter's birthday (nov 6). Now I am not sure, if I should pull out now or hang in there for another 3-4 weeks. My previous thread said I really don't have much to gain from plan A (wife knows how I feel and what I have to offer). But maybe these upcoming events can deposit some love units? When (if?) her love affair crashes will any of this really matter to her. Maybe I need to protect myself (it was tough asking and hearing answers today), though I know where her mind and emotions are. I was not surprised, but I hate that reality/fantasy feelings that are involved all around. She talked so permanent about planning for future holidays, for the upcoming winter in her apt, and so forth. If I go to plan B, maybe after movie just by giving her the letter? She is going out of town on sunday to see her best friend. I dont think her bestfriend can talk her into anything differently, though BF wants her away from OM to deal with her issues and marriage. I wonder if letting go before she sees BF will make her really seek advise/counseling next week and make her wonder. Or it may still be too early in the affair (only 4 mths/seems like forever)? BTW, I think she saw OM family this past weekend, she was gone to same state where his family lives, just a hunch. Is that a serious sign? at least on his part i'm sure? not sure if she knew she was going there? (it sounded like a surprise event when I talked to her before she left). Any thoughts on any of this?

izzy, Only you know if it is time for plan b , but there will always be reasons for not doing it. How long do you want to keep doing this? There is no set time to go into plan b you do it when you are ready to give up plan A. I am looking at going into plan B right after the holidays. Will I when the time comes I don't know. All of us set times whether we follow through is up to each one of us. <BR>I know what you mean about the fantasy relationships. I don't understand how such a thing can make one person forget everything and everyone to live in a fantasy world.<BR>As far as going to see his family my H seem to have accepted her family and they have replaced his family, Parents and kids. I don't know how he can do this. Is it serious I think it is part of the fantasy. I think both parties are in a fantasy world. <BR>Will it help staying in plan A I don't know or is it better to go to plan B. I wish I had all the right answers, but I don't all we have is our hope and our faith that everything will turn out right. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

My timing buddy izzy - <P>Hey - how are you doing? I haven't posted in awhile because I think I've just given up. I know how you feel about not feeling that the affair is just fantasy when every indication from W makes it seem so real. My W has filed for divorce as you know, and fully intends to see it through. I've been in plan B for the entire 4 months...it hasn't done any good other than protect me from the agony of seeing her cheating face.<P>OM in my case is very rich and showers my W with gifts, travel and opportunities. They will soom be moving into his newly built $500,000 home. My feeling is that my W's needs were/are materially based - therefore I don't register on W's needs scale.<P>I've begun to see my W for who she really is the past month or so. It still hurts like hell everyday - but the pain is subsiding a little bit each day. I'm at the point where I do want the divorce...I'm emotionally exhuasted and I desire to get on with my life.<P>Like you said, it just doesn't seem like a fantasy. In our cases it has been nearly 4 months and there have not been any "chinks in the armor".<P>From where I sit, the OM can have my W - they deserve each other.

izzy, <P>I don't know much about Plan B. I wrote about 8 Plan B letters but I never had to give her one. I will say doing things together as a family is a big love deposit. It will certainly make her think about what she is giving up. You need to do what you feel is right izzy.<P>The purpose of Plan B is to force the OM to meet ALL of her needs. It is risky. Sometimes the OM only wants a part of the relationship (the part that rips us to shreads the most if you know what I mean). As it stands now, you are meeting some of her needs and the OM is meeting some of her needs. You need to Plan B when you can't take it anymore. When you sense your love diminishing for her - that's when you plan B. She will then be left with thoughts that you tried to keep the marriage together. She will know that you were willing to work through the problems and that you loved her. <P>I'm praying for you izzy.<P>Shattered1 - My heart goes out to you brother. What an awful revelation about your wife - that being she needs material possessions to be happy. I still believe your wife is going to look herself in the mirror some day and the it's not going to matter how many diamonds or how much gold surrounds that mirror. She's going to see herself as you now see her. And she will realize that she let go of the best man that has ever crossed her path.<P>SHA<P><BR>

Thanks, guys, I like being in the same boat with you guys. Hopefully, we will all soon get off this boat and be happier (with our w/o wife). SHA, I really am conflicted about the family love deposits. But you know, my gut tells me this is what my wife wants...she wants me involved with daughter, wants me around as father and good friend to her, and wants me to have daughter 2-4 days a week, so she can be freer(sp?) to spend quality time with OM. A part of me wants to have daughter spend more time with them, cuz that will be a big determinant in their relationship. My girl is almost 3 and talks about OM, he did this that. He seems to be nice (of course, wife has said he is, which is why her attraction to him was irresistable for her, he did not come across as a jerk, and she knew him peripherally as a nice person)/ So yeah, I think eventually it will crash but I don't see it anytime within the 1st year. The plan B, he has to stepup and actually be a pretend husband and partner with wife, could force them either way. They will realize, yes we can do this, or no out of here. I hate the thought of being replaced as husband and also with a stepdad around, but its part of my reality I have to think about.<BR>