Hello,
I'm in a horrible depression and in desperate need of some help. I've been with my wife for 15 years and we've been married for 4. We were high school sweethearts. She was 15 and I was 17 when we met, so it took me 11 years to make sure we were right for each other before marrying.

About 6 months ago, i found out that she's been having an affair for over a year. I was devestated to say the least and I kicked her out of the house to her parents. She kept coming back saying sorry and she wanted to work things out, but i was too distraught and confused to commit to that. She said the affair was over, but i had a hard time trusting her. However, i agreed to go to marriage counseling, but she was not giving me the amount of remorse that i needed. I felt like she was just saying things because she was supposed to. About 3 months into it, I figured i was asking for too much and i know that she has a huge problem talking about her feelings. That was the root cause of the problem. She never told me anything was wrong in our marriage. Just when i was about to come around and work things out, i found out the affair was still going on. To make that story short, the other guy was married with kids. I got in contact with his wife and she threatened to take the kids away and the affair was over. That's when my wife completely turned a 180 on me and flipped. She said that she needs her space and she doesnt know if she wants to work things out with me anymore. She wanted to be completely separated from me.

I have not seen her in over a month, and now she says she doesn't love me "that way" anymore and that i wasnt there for her emotionally. She keeps saying that we will never workout, but she is not ready to make a decision about divorce. I've been trying to contact her and be nice, but she is very cruel to me and ignores all of my attempts. She said she is talking to other guys now and has totally stopped responding to me. This is tearing me up inside.

Some people have mentioned a book on some other posts.. "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. They said to read the book and do not show any despair to my wife. Unfortunately, I have already shown alot of despair for the past month and she has completely cut me off. Is it too late for me? I am paralyzed right now and feel like dying... everythings turning out to be the worst. Please help me if you can. I'm sorry this was so long.
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Welcome to marriagebuilders. You need to do a lot of reading here to learn how to deal with your wife. Plan A is the starting point, where you show her what a good husband you could be and start being there for her emotionally.

But if you feel so depressed, and feel like dying, first you might want to see your doc for some anti-D's. They will help you be strong enough to do the things you need to do.

First.. welcome to MB. I'm very sorry about the reason why you are here, but you being here is a great first step. Nobody wants to be part of this club, but we're here.

First thing's first..

READ, STUDY, ABSORB the information on this website.. it will be invaluable as you work towards surviving your WW's affair.

Go to the library or pick up Dr. Harley's books: Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs, and Fall In Love Stay In Love.. all have been a great wealth of information for many here. I'm sure others can provide more reading as well.

READ the thread stuck at the top of this board Notable Posts by Pepperband.. this will get you started on putting a plan together to recover your marriage. In particular familiarize yourself with the concepts of Plan A and Plan B

Ark^ has some wonderful Plan A information..



As for what has happened so far, showing dispair and such.. don't beat yourself up about it. It happens, it's natural.. but now that you're aware of it. YOU HAVE TO MAN UP..

Get that? Man up dude.. you -have- to be strong, be someone that she can respect. How to do that will be something you discover as you go through your Plan A.

Remember that the objective here is to Survive the Affair.. not Restore my Marriage.. sure that can be a goal, but realistically speaking you can only change and be accountable for -you-.. you cannot change your wife, you cannot educate her, you cannot -make- her do anything she doesn't want to do. Give up the illusion of control.. you don't control her.

My personal suggestion as well is to start working on your relationship with God. One of the interesting results of my 3 months in ****** is that I've found my way back to God.. it's His strength, His love, and His comfort that gets me through every day.. He is there for you, and promises that his faithful will not suffer.



Then for the questions part.. are there kids involved? If so, are you taking steps to keep them from being exposed to your WW's lover(s)?

Thank you for your response. Unfortunately, i found this site too late to implement plan A and plan B. We DID read surviving the affair together when we went to counseling, but she did not stop seeing the OM. I didn't do the things outlined in plan A and B because I didn't know about them. Now i realize that we shouldnt have separated, but we did. I had many emotional oubursts and committed a lot of lovebusters.

At first, I was the one who wanted to separate and kicked her out of the house. Now I desperately want her back, but she won't budge. I feel like it's too late for me to do anything now and that she has lost respect for me and no longer loves me. She does not respond to my attempts to contact her anymore and will not meet or to talk to me. We are way beyond the time for Plan A and B and it seems that all the damage is done. Is there anything that I can do now? We do not have kids, but I love her more than anything. I am losing all hope and it is killing me. The more i pulled the more she has pushed me away. I feel like this is the end and she will never come back. Do I need to let go and accept it or is there anything I can do at this point? [color:"black"] [/color]

Have you spoken to the OMW again? I have a feeling she might still be seeing the OM. Can you call the OMW and get her thoughts? If this is so, the path back to your marriage will be to bust up the affair while you do things to attract her back. However, you need to find out what is really going on before you can proceed.

I just have a strong feeling that she moved out to pursue this affair [to "get space" is always code for "I want to pursue my affair"] and her silence tells me she has succeeded in resuming contact.

Start over.

Start with Plan A.

Stop all Love Busters.

Correct any of your behaviors that, prior to the A, your wife found offensive or distasteful.

Present a public face of self confidence and self respect.

No more sniveling or begging your W.

The more it appears to her that you are strong enough to move on without her, the more she'll be drawn back towards you. Odd, but true.

You are getting good advice, but seems you are looking for the "easy button". None such exists, and this plan, and support from these forums, and a lot of introspection from you, and correcting those things mentioned above, can get you on the track to save your marriage.

Ready to roll up your sleeves and go to work?

oh noooooooooo, the work has just begun. You are far from giving up hope.

You must be young if you guys have been together for that long and have known each other since you were teens.

Any kids?

You're at high risk for suicidal thoughts. Please get some good help.

Listen, you may not wish to hear this or believe it, but life will go on if she doesn't come back and you may find out it's a blessing that she's gone. There's tons of women out there and a whole life you haven't lived.

You guys got together at a very young age and you don't know any different. My very callous advice is that you're a lucky man if you don't have children. You haven't lost anything but time and have learned a big lesson.

Kids do complicate things and do give you a motivation to try to save things if they are in the picture.

None of this means I wasn't in your shoes. I just have the luxury of seeing things in hindsight after almost 2 years of healing.

This is a very tough thing to go through. Don't beat yourself up too much for how you've reacted. You're normal and we've been there.

Contact OMW again and tell her you think there's a good chance he's still in contact with the ex or at least touch base with her to see if she might think so.

Thanks again for the advice. I am ready to try plan A and plan B and anything possible, but I'm not sure how to do that at this point. She refuses to communicate with me and is very angry and resentful towards me as well as lost respect for me. It is no longer about the OM. His wife and i are sure that it is completely over. Her unwillingness to work things out is all about me now. I believe I have done everything wrong to this point and she has made up her mind. She says that she's not ready to decide on a divorce only because that's a huge decision. She has built a huge wall between us and continues to move in the wrong direction. The longer we are separated, the higher the wall and it's very high now. Her family history is not comforting either. Her parents have been separated for almost 7 years and they can't stand the sight of each other.

She has gone through a lot of sadness, but everyone tells me that she seems a lot happier now. I think she cringes at the sound of my phone call/text message or Email. I have really screwed up and showed her my desparity. I apologize for being so negative, but thats how bad this situation has gotten. The only way I can probably get enough words across would be to send her an Email since she'll be very short with me and cruel on the phone. I'm afraid of continuing to look desparate. Should I wait awhile and give her some more space or send her an Email anyway? What should I say? There are still some loose ends that keep us connected but we only communicate through short text messages. This is a serious mess. Now you know why im losing all hope. I really appreciate everyones support here.
thank you!!

I suggest that for you to get more grounded in your life right now, you call the Harley's and get some professional phone counseling with them.

What you are experiencing is fairly typical. Sadly enough. Women tend to check out, and it's difficult to reach them, even from the position of a very apologetic "betrayed spouse".

You may even want to check with your doctor, and see about getting some AD's to help keep you grounded during this time.

My FWW took the same position as yours is, but neither of us ever moved out of the house.

My suggestion is to call the main number for the Marriage Builder's site (find from the home page) and get reassurance from the professionals that your efforts can make a difference, and all might not be lost.

Please think about it..

DRowning:

Please read Braeworth's Thread.

He stated his Wife had lost the "spark" for him. He did have kids, and his WW did not move out.

Please read it for the things that happened as he slowly, via PLAN A, brought the "spark" back.

Even with your WW out of the house, you can still save this.

A positive change in your behaviors, can create a positive change in your relationship, and THAT can be used as the spring board to returning WW into your household.

I would stop all DESPAERATE attempts to reach her. No IM's "Are you there? Will you call ME!!!! Etc.
I would go silent for a couple of days. Let her wonder where you are.
I would also stopp obsessing about WHAT you think she is thinking. Until you ask, you just don't know. And speculating just creates worry you can never address.
Get the books you were recommended. His Needs, Her Needs, and reread Surviving an Affair. Fall in Love, Stay in Love is also an excellent choice.
Read them. Understand them. And realize where YOU went wrong. Don't read them and say "Aha! That's what WW does!" Read for the things that YOU did. And then start correcting those behaviors and habits.

And then you CAN Plan A. And your WW can decide to come home or not. This is Marriage Builders. We will advise you of ways to help you Re-Build your marriage. It might not work. But that does not mean that you can not come out of this a better person.

But it ALL up to you.

If your ready to fight, we are ready to back you up.

LG

Lousy,
I read Braeworths post. It is quite a story and I'm completely regrettful that i separated with my WW. That is the big difference here, is that we separated and we seem to be oceans apart. I will do anything to start plan A with her and fight, but I dont know HOW if she is no longer communicating with me. I now understand why everything happened the way it did, but i'm helpless to do anything. The A is completely over because the OM ended it as a result of me informing his wife. She will never admit this, but she resents me for breaking up the A. It just gets worse and worse. I've talked to some of her family members and friends about it and she found out. That's when she completely cut communication with me. Btw... today is her birthday. She went out of town for the weekend with a bunch of friends (mutual friends, but mainly hers). I texted her "happy early birthday" before she left, but she never responded. It has only been a month since the last time i saw her, but it seems like years.

I would do anything if she would come back, but I need suggestions on how to start Plan A with her. I'm completely helpless and torn right now. I began reading a book about "letting go" lastnight and now im here posting to see if there is any possible final attempt. If I can't start plan A I was going to write her a letter as a last ditch effort and lay everything out. I want to tell her that i still love and care for her very much and do not want a divorce, but she is making it inevitable. If she doesnt respond or responds negatively, I may file for the divorce and hope it will open her eyes. That is probably the wrong thing to do, but i [color:"black"] [/color] s there anything I have to lose at this point? I am preparing for the worst.

You need to stay calm and stay in Plan A. We had one poster here who never even got out of the divorce forum, who saved his marriage. His wife lived several hundred miles away and wouldn't talk to him at all.

You just Plan A every opportunity you get. Then look back at things she complained about and start changing those. It is going to take some time.

By the way, where are the kids?

He wrote earlier that they do not have kids.

Oh, yeah, cancel that.

You're correct. I do not have kids.

I can really use advice on how to start Plan A. I texted my ww lastnight to say happy birthday and to see if she'd respond. She replied with a "thanks!" I then asked her if she could contact me today to discuss some things. She agreed to call me, but asked what I wanted to talk about. I don't know what to say to her. The only things connecting us are the loose ends in our marriage such as some of her stuff being at the house, etc..

Anytime I bring up the topic about the A or "us" she will leave the conversation. The only times we're able to speak is by ignoring the elephant in the room and walking on eggshells. Those conversations last about 5-10 minutes at best. What should I say to her tonight?

Here is the entire background of what happened.

ME - 33
WW - 31
Together since 1992 - Married 2003
A - was happening 1 1/2 years

DDay - 6/1/07 - I kicked her out of the house, but she came back many times and said she was sorry.

7/1/07 - I informed the OMW. The affair was supposedly over.

July - Oct. - WW wanted to [color:"black"] [/color] go to marriage counseling. We went to counseling, but I couldnt commit to reconiling due to lack of remorse and trust. I did a lot of LBs.

Oct. 21 - Found out the A was still happening. They never did NC. I spoke to the OMW again and this time the A completely ended. They had 2 kids and she threatened OM he would never see them again. NC ever since.

Oct. 27 - WW flipped and said she did not know if she wants to be with me anymore. She has said I "was not there emotionally, all of our problems were magnified after the affair and she needs time. Now it's evolved to she doesnt love me "that way" anymore, it will never work, she needs her space and wants to see other people.

We haven't seen each other since and communication has been very little. The longer we're apart the larger the wall between us. She can not see me in person. Any kind of communication is good at this point, but we can't talk about our relationship because im "pressuring" her. She completely cut communication for awhile, but I have a chance to speak to her tonight. I want to tell her i love her and explain that we need to fix ourselves to have "some kind" of relationship. I have offered to just be "friends" for now. She agreed, but it hasn't changed much. She has anxiety when she speaks to me.

Please advise how to start Plan A. What things should I say?

Thanks.

Please give it to me straight. Is it too late for me? Do I just let the separation and nature take its course? I don't know what I will do if she begins seeing other people. Right now, there seems to be too much guilt, which has turned to animosity and the feeling that she no longer loves me that way. I love her so much that i've forgiven her on my own, but I'm also aware that it probably doesnt matter. My friends and family say that this is it. Let her go and maybe she will realize things someday and come back.

No, it's not too late.

Work Plan A whenever you can. Remember a good share of the plan is self improvement, improving those things about you that were not conducive to a good marriage.

No love busters.

Avoid having relationship talks at every encounter. Normalize your relationship as best you can. Make attempts to share time with her, but show no dissapointment, or Love Busters when she refuses.

There is a certain amount of "grace" in not being with her during withdrawal, because they can be really ugly to deal with 24/7. However, it is in your best interest to let her know she IS welcome to come back home at any time, when you can be more effective with Plan A.

Upgrade your appearance, whenever she will see you. Dress sharp, smell good, and give the outward appearance you "could be" quite comfortable to move on without her.

Never appear desperate or needy...huge turnoff.

Show her the guy she fell in love with years ago.

Stop reacting to her every word. When she's in the fog, most of what she says is meaningless. Keep a sharp ear tuned for tidbits of truth that may emerge, though, and react accordingly.

This will take time, so brace yourself for a battle that will take months to get to recovery, and years to re-create a marriage in the aftermath of the affairs.

The Marriage Builders approach is probably the best option you have right now, as there are many success stories buried in these thousands of threads. No one here has heard of a better approach that gives equal or greater chances of success. It's all up to you.

Thanks for all of the advice. I was in a bad place when I began posting here, but I've been on this site ever since and my head is a bit clearer. I began doing plan A (or atleast trying to) and could really use some help.

I called WW last week and started speaking to her more confidentally, trying not to showing my misery. She seemed to respond to that because we were able to talk a little more than usual. It's mainly about misc. stuff like her new job etc. It also happened to be her bday last week and i offered to take her out to dinner. She agreed to it, so we went last friday and were finally able to talk about "us." I was able to get out most of the things that I've had to bottle up for the last month since she wasn't on talking/seeing terms with me. I told her I understood and realized that I wasn't meeting her ENs in our marriage. She went on to listing all of the LBs that I've done in the past, which I apologized for each one. She also said our problems were magnified x100 when I found about the A, but she understood that I didn't know how to handle the situation because my world crumbled down on top of me. She did a lot of crying that night. I told her how much she meant to me and to believe that people can change, that I've already changed and have learned alot from this. She said she was glad that realized those things, but thinks it's too late and we've done too much damage to each other. She is leaning towards a divorce, but it is not ready to make that decision. She is also seeing another OM at the moment, but admitted that there was nothing there, no chemistry.

It was the most significant conversations that we've been able to have since Dday. I thought it would atleast get her thinking differently, but I called her a couple of days later (on Sunday) and it was back to square one. She was cold and short on the phone and wanted to get off. On Tuesday I called her again and she was the same, short and cold. She says things like I don't want to give you false hopes or think that we are getting back together. That we are just friends and she won't even acknowledge that is still my wife. I have also talked to her sister who is the only person she confides in. According to her, WW loves me, but does not "feel" anything for me anymore.

What should i do from here? She knows that I want her to come back, but has no interest in me. I have been contacting her atleast every other day, but she doesn't initiate contact. I'm wondering I should go silent for awhile.