Hi, MB Friends,

Although I read here occassionally, I haven't posted in awhile. I feel that God was telling me to take a rest.

For approximately six weeks, I remained in an "in-house" separation from my husband. He slept in the spare room. I communicated with him very little. It was hard on everyone, including the kids.

During that time, Mr. RLT got himself quickly into SA counseling, and also into weekly SA meetings with other men experiencing the same sorts of problems. He read a lot of material on SA given to him by his counselor and his group. He also went to church, alone, because I would not go with him.

I prayed a lot (still do). I basically just tried to stay away from anything "infidelity" or SA-related. I was just too tired of it - tired and sick of the whole thing.

I mourned a lot (still do) - the loss of a husband and a life that I always thought was authentic. Every time I walked passed a photo on the wall, I wondered, "What was he doing then?" "What was going on in my life that I didn't even know about?"

I tried to make an assessment of myself, of my own downfalls and my own responsibility in all of it. I continue to work on forgiving myself for not being stronger, way back when. There were signs, subtle signs, but I chose to ignore them. Had I faced them, and established some clear boundaries (I still hate that word), I might not be where I am today.

But, like Mr. RLT, I can't change the past. I can only go forward.

I tried to listen to God, to determine His will in this. And I have chosen to allow Mr. RLT yet another chance to make things right with his marriage and family.

I haven't just thrown myself back in and said, "Ok, honey, you're forgiven. Now everything's back to normal." It's not like that. He knows that he has to daily show me that he is working on himself.

I don't like knowing what I know about everything, but in a way I see it as a beginning. It's not easy to forgive so much, but it is easier on me now in that I know everything now, and I don't feel so lost and frustated anymore. That part is a relief, at least.

I'm walking a fine line - trying to be forgiving, and at the same time, trying to be very watchful and vigilant of Mr. RLT's actions. Because I know now that actions mean everything. Words mean nothing right now.

As for Mr. RLT, he is still going to counseling, meetings, and church. He works two jobs on top of it, so he's extremely busy. He's paying a lot of consequences for his behavior. He knows he has to.

Still a lot of work ahead. He appears very willing to do it, and is doing it. However, I still keep my heart guarded, because I know I have to.

(((((rlt)))))

Lots of hugs. Right there with you, rlt. It's not easy.

God bless.

It sounds good. Glad things are starting to work out well for you.

(((rtl)))

I know you are hurting- keep posting we are here for you.
AM

{{{{{{{RLT}}}}}}}}}

Thank you for the update. I think of you often.

HI RLT,

Good to hear how you are doing. Lots of drama here on the board right now. Probably a good time to take a break.

It sounds like you are doing OK, all things considered. I think that I have finally reached the point where the A is rarely on my mind. I looked at myself as a victim for so long and was constantly on guard for signs that Skirmisher was "at it again."

My freedom came with the knowledge that I can't enforce fidelity in my marriage. Being faithful has to be Skirmisher's boundary. FOr me it gives me confort and strength to know that I do have a boundary for myself.

It is zero tolerance. He doesn't have to be married, but if he wants to have a life with me, then it can only be me.

I don't care about the past anymore, only the lessons we have learned. The future will be what we make it together.

Take care.

Who

Still plugging along.

The holidays were good. I made sure of it for the sake of my kids and extended family.

If I did have a moment (which I did, with my sister around), I went in the bathroom and had a good cry.

With the start of the new year, I decided to join a women's group at our church. I went to the first meeting last Thursday. I hope to find comfort there.

As for my marriage, I am trying very hard to hang. It's difficult, though, because with new revelations, the triggers have multiplied tenfold. And Mr. RLT is still not very good at dealing with me when I have such a moment.

Sometimes he's good about it. But sometimes he reverts to his old ways of becoming defensive when I need to discuss something, or to ask a question. He says he feels "attacked." I'm tired of that line. I do not want to hear it, ever again. No one could have been more "attacked" than me and my kids by his lifetime of devious, hurtful behaviors.

So, he goes into defensive mode and I withdraw because it's a boundary of mine. I won't tolerate manipulation, blameshifting, or defensive behaviors.

This is where we are right now. I'm in withdraw mode. He ignores it pretty much and goes about his day.

It's as though he knows that I've had a bad, bad trigger. I will even tell him about it. But he doesn't know how, or just doesn't want to deal with it, so he basically sends me off in a corner to "lick my wounds."

He basically abandons me when I'm in a lot of pain. And this compounds my pain. And I'm tired.

He tells me he knows he's right with God now, that he's trying. He tells me he's sorry a lot. But the last apology I got was, "I've said I'm sorry 500 million times. What more do you want?"

That didn't sit well with me.

RLT,

I had a feeling this was going to be very hard for you, trying to recover this marriage. I hope you are basically doing well, though.

Are you working with a counselor of any kind, to help guide your recovery?

Hi weaver/jj

Mr. RLT is in SA counseling.

We were in MC, but stopped for obvious reasons.

I did make an appt for myself for this week to see our MC.

I really need someone to talk to.

I don't mean to downplay his efforts. He really has been trying. I think he is just really emotionally immature. And, he has a lot of patterns of behavior from his FOO that he just can't seem to break. They are so evil, and so ingrained in him.

I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry he was raised by people who led him to believe he was entitled to anything, no matter what, or who he had to step on for the sake of his "happiness."

However, I don't need to live with it anymore.

I don't need to be a "volunteer" for this.

I admit, I am overly sensitive and easily drawn into very dark moments. It's not his fault. It's not his fault if someone says something in passing, or does something that triggers me. I don't blame him for that. That is not really even the issue anymore.

But he still looks for a way to "beat himself up," make himself the victim. Poor me, no matter what I do ...

It's not the trigger. It's how he handles the situation. Ok, she's feeling really bad right now. So I will just give her my apology and then let her go stew for awhile. No problem. That way I don't have to deal with her.

That's how it feels.

I never made it to recovery, so I am not going to be able to help you with this, but would it make it easier for you if you feel you have a choice? A choice to divorce or to stay with him?

I know when I feel I CHOOSE to do something I have a whole different outlook and can handle the downside easier than when I am forced.

[quote}

As for my marriage, I am trying very hard to hang. It's difficult, though, because with new revelations, the triggers have multiplied tenfold. And Mr. RLT is still not very good at dealing with me when I have such a moment.[/quote]

Hi RLT
That sounds very familiar Are we married to the same man?



I've been working with Jennifer on triggers. She helped me write a letter to WS about them. The letter said what they were explaining that FOR NOW he has to avoid them to protect me. He seems to be getting it a little more. Also plenty of thanking him for the efforts he is making in avoiding LBs (there were massive LBs going on which were making me withdraw)


I can soooo relate to that. After discovery, WH immediately dumped OW#3 who he was fed up with so that was pretty convenient for him. We had six good months until I discovered new contact. He just could not resist going back to 'see how she was doing'. That was the last straw for me and 'tired' was how I would describe how I felt.

I am beginning to understand that the six months were not part of the recovery process. The elephant was still in the room. The tiredness I felt was my feeling that I did not want to put the effort into recovery. Why? Because the M was not worth recovering.

Since working with Jennifer, I have begun to understand that the massive LBs had bankrupted my lovebank. The LBs had gone on for so long that I had stopped even noticing them. Once he stopped the worst of the LBs, I could finally consider whether it was worth making an effort to recover the M. The children noticed the change in atmosphere immediately.


Simple answer; I want a relationship where I feel safe enough to take care of your needs. It is going to take a lot of work. Are you up for this?

JJ,

I know I do have a choice, and I do feel empowered by that, because in the past, I never really felt that way.

Hi RLT....

Glad to see you're still alive and kicking. I think of you often.

I feel a numbness in your spirit. I know that feeling. Am I right? You don't have to answer.

Just wanted to say Hi and hope you're taking care of yourself.

Hi Mopey,

Glad to see you here. I think of you often, also.

Since we are both dealing with the same sorts of issues, you would understand that I have a lot of ups and downs. Some days I am beyond depressed. Other days, I feel like I can get through it.

I think that I do have a numbness of spirit sometimes. It's a coping mechanism. If you think about all the SA stuff too much, it will make you insane. So I try and shut it off.

Mr. RLT has apologized again for the stupid stuff he said. I think he feels like he's backed into a corner and the old stuff comes out of him. He's trying, and so am I. And that's all we can do.

I went to see my counselor yesterday. It helped a lot. I really do just need to focus on myself, and take myself out of his stuff. It's hard, though.

Thanks for posting.

RLT,

I don't know you or have ever posted to you, but I hear your pain tonight and I'm so sorry. I am struggling tonight myself. Maybe it's the moon, or just the night.

What kinds of things do you need to focus on for yourself?

I am in the same place, taking myself out of WH. It is hard, but you have come this far, I am sure you can make it.

Do you know about the 12 steps?

Yes. I do understand. Same thing here. When I have those "beyond depressed days" I just wished that I could disapear off the face of the earth without anyone noticing. The pain is overwhelming at times. I don't want to die. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep til the pain is over.

The major jolts of pain have subsided somewhat for me. I think I'm just too tired to deal with it anymore. I still have some questions even now but I am too tired of the hurt to ask them. And when you don't know if you're going to get the truth or a lie, kinda seems a waste of energy.....

RLT....I'll tell you my biggest problem. My biggest problem is that he still puts his shame, guilt, pain and needs above mine. He'd probably argue that but I feel differently. And I even feel guilty because he is trying to work on himself but whenever I have needed to open up and share a painful trigger or whatever, he ALWAYS turns it around to where we're talking about his pain. Not that his pain doesn't matter, but come on!

He still won't try to meet my top emotional needs where the recovery stuff is concerned. I was thinking that it's all a process and it would take time. But the longer I'm in this, I can still see that he's only willing to do what he is comfortable with and not what I need.

And just as I have a foot out the door, he may step it up some. Doesn't feel right to me.

We have a new counselor who I am thrilled about. I think she is really going to help me and him. I honestly feel like she's our last hope.



Me too. I literally have to block it out of mind or it'll drive me insane. I'm even more confused because I don't know if he is an SA or just an addict. I think to some extent he is an SA though. He's still over on RN. Not consistently but every now and then. He seems kinda spread out between RN, counseling, self help books, work, me and family. However, he does take time for RC too.



Big fat ditto on all of that here too.



I'm glad you made it back to a counselor. I took a break for awhile too. And I just started back as well. Yes, I do understand about worrying about yourself and it's kinda hard to take yourself out of "his stuff" when his stuff effects you. I know.....

I'll pray for clarity and strength for all of us.


{{{{RLT}}}}}

{{{{{Skinsgal}}}}}}

I feel your pain too. We're just trying to do the best we know how and I know you are too. That's all we can do.

Yeah, it's all we CAN. But time just drips by and seconds seem to last hours.

This is when I WISH I COULD DRINK OR USE. Just to make the sadness and pain go away.

I know that this is something that has to happen, but tonight it's a struggle to just get through it. My sadness of missing my H is so strong.

And I'm lonely

Oh Skinsgal....

I remember that pain soooo well when my H left me for his OW.

When I got in the moods back then that you're in now this is what I did. I straightened up the house (it made me feel better), ordered take out from a place that serves veggies and home cooking, rented the saddest and sappiest movies I could find to cry my eyeballs out to and also rented funny ones to laugh to as well. Just let yourself feel all those emotions and don't forget the box of tissues. Have your very own pity party. You deserve it. You'd be amazed at how much better you'll feel in the morning.

If I lived near ya, I'd come to your party and I'd bring my own tissues. I like Puff's Plus tissues. They don't hurt your nose after you've blown it for the millionith time in one day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


{{{{{Skinsgal}}}}}}

(((Skinsgal)))

Like Mopey, I also remember too well the pain of being alone.

Try and be around people that love you and lift you up. Try NOT to think about what your husband is doing. Whatever it is, he'll eventually come to see he's wrong. And it won't work because it's not blessed by God.

Oh, and no drinking, or using. It will only compound your problems. (((skinsgal)))

Mopes,

Sorry for your stuff, too.

I find that I can't really tolerate RN, just because it is way too damm depressing over there. It feels utterly hopeless.

I will say that we had a really great weekend. I try and make the good times good. But the hurt is always brewing just below the surface. It's what he does with that hurt that always throws us back.