Hi RLT

I'm glad you are posting again. Sent you an e-mail with some information that might help in your situation.

Sara

Hi, RLT. Good to hear from you, and I applaud your choice to give Mr. RLT another chance. He's obviously very foggy still, but that's ok as long as the fog keeps clearing bit by bit. You will just have to watch his actions for a long time, and see what he does.

If the time comes when you need to pull the plug, don't worry because you're still a winner, but I hope and pray he will make it right for you.

{{{{{RLT}}}}}

I do feel that way a lot myself when I read over there. Mostly because I haven't read too many great success stories. It is depressing. It gives me nightmares of "slipping" and "not being able to be honest". It scares the bajeebas out of me. (Don't try to look up that word. It isn't one.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

But, I also believe there is hope over there, for the ones that really want it. It's a process and I am impatient. I would probably be less impatient if my husband worked on the lessons more I think. I want him to hurry up and learn it all and put it into practice. I know it takes time and he needs to go on his schedule. But he has been dragging his feet for awhile now....He seems to concentrate on it more if I'm down. What does that say? There have been times when he's worked on it without that being the case, but not with any kind of consistency or urgency. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />



That is my problem as well and I am sorry you are feeling it too. It's the worst part for me. Everything else seems to be just fine, but when it comes to that.....I am not emotionally supported. I am hoping our new counselor will help with this.

It's like he played with a bomb that exploded our house into shreds and the pieces of our lives are ruined and scattered everywhere. All he can see is the "new house" which is a great thing to look forward to. But I need to pick up some of the pieces and clean them off and brush them off to take with me. Those pieces are trust, respect, self-esteem, memories that are now tainted and damaged from the explosion. I'm shocked and stunned over all the many pieces and the amount of devastation laying all around me. I feel homeless. The kids looked dazed too.

I look around and all I see is destruction and am trying to pick up the pieces one at a time to see what is salvageable, or what never will be again. He doesn't always want to help me clean that up and examine those pieces. He doesn't like to watch me cry as I'm cleaning or asking questions about why he was playing with the bomb in the first place. So he rather leave the stuff and just build the new house.

So in my hurry to get to the new house with him, I'm bringing charred and damaged things with me. And when I look around in the new house and see them, it brings back hurtful memories and I will want to stop and clean them up so they bring me pleasure again. It would just be so much more healing and faster if he jumped in and helped me.

Worst part? Not only do the triggers drain my love bank but so does the way he handles the recovery. My bank is low, very low.

Wierd analogy but it works for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

mopey,
I love analogies, and that's a great one! I can't remember if I asked you b4, but will he come here?

I just got done posting on ML's thread with Dr. Harley's video that so many waywards (IMO) seem to get stuck where I was, which is..."I am not cheating anymore, I am still here with you (like DH should feel sooo lucky-barf), I am buying you flowers/cards and apologizing a thousand times... why can't you just GET OVER IT!" It was W2S's refusal to accept this half-baked attempt at recovery that pushed me here. He was NOT going to settle for a damaged M that was going to have a little band-aid on it and maybe some Elmer's Glue holding it together, but was mainly dysfunctional underneath. It seems this is how most M's end up after an A, which is what Dr. Harley says in the video.

I wish there was some way to get through to the ones who expect life to just go on with very little effort on their parts to help accomplish that goal. My hopes and prayers are with you, and your WSs, that they may actually realize the devastation they have caused and stop resenting you for feeling the way you do. Oh, the blind, selfish justifications of the wayward mind...

Hi LaLa,

So my analogy made sense to you? That's good. It hard for me to describe how I'm feeling sometimes so I'll use analogies. Sometimes I try to use them with my husband but it doesn't always go over very well. I tried to use a "car accident" analogy with him once and he said it wasn't comparable if I remember correctly. It was to me. Makes me think he doesn't get the acute damage.

My husband does post here from time to time. His name is Windstopped. I do appreciate the fact that he posts here sometimes.

One of the things I asked him to do for me, to help me and us recover, was to start his own thread here on how to help us heal. He tried it once a long time ago but it was more of a resentful, let's bash the wife thread, imo. It didn't help me at all. Don't know about him.

I'd love it if he would do that but it's one of those things he'd rather not do I guess.

I seriously need to start my own thread but I wouldn't even know where to begin. I'd be like W2S and write a book. *ducking again* I freeze at the thought of it.




Then I need to watch the video again. I think I may have only seen a 10 minute version to begin with. Thanks for mentioning it. And yes, I feel like I have band-aids on big gaping wounds. I have felt like I've needed to be in (another analogy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) the intensive care unit with H being the surgeon, and all I've gotten is a few Dr. Visits that I drove myself to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />




I believe there's a lot of truth in that statement and it totally boggles my mind. Ticks me off too.

Thanks for your prayers. We desperately need them.

Hey mopers and rlt...I just wrote a mini-novella (long-winded by proxy again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />) about the wayward (including formerly wayward) mind on TMTS's thread. If you have like, an HOUR, go check it out! (hehehehe) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, I better get comfy first. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Should probably make some popcorn and watch Dr. Harley's video too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Mopey,

You keep picking on me and I'll email you all 37 pages of the first draft of my story......

Sorry you're still having such a hard time. I know the place you are in and it is not pleasant at all. It can be so hard to move from one stage of recovery to the next. Especially with a FWS that isn't being as helpful in recovery as they should. Until LaLa started posting here I had felt like I was the only one really trying to save our marriage. All that changed the night of the "big intervention" with you and Mrs. W. By the way, you guys scared me to death! I was sitting at work reading what's going on and all I could think was "Oh great they hit her with a few 2x4's and she'll never go back again". Thank g-d she was able to realize that you were only trying to help. It has made all the difference in the world since that night. I will be forever greatful to you for this. Let me know if there is anything I can do to repay you.

I'm so glad you've started posting again. LaLa and I were getting very worried.

Lol!.... W2S.....I started chuckling right when I saw you post on this thread before I read your post.

PLEASE....not the 37 pages!!!!!......lol.....

I'll be good. Ummmm....that's probably a lie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


I'm laughing as I say this but I am really sorry.....lol...I honestly do feel bad now about some of the things I said, or at least the way I said them. It would have been a crying shame had she left the board because of that. It has taught me to be firm but loving. I thought I was at first and out came the 2x4's. I need to be more patient. Fortunately though, whew, your wife is a spicy little thang and she hung in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> She didn't run away. I'll do my best to not scare anyone off again, and I promise you, I don't think I was always like that. I think her thread and her attitude just hit too close to home for me. I'm glad it turned out o.k. both I hope you will both forgive me not choosing my words better.

Thanks for your concern for us, really. I'm glad I'm posting again too. It really helps. I'm sorry I worried you guys.

Hey RLT....LaLa has us all set up with a good movie and a book to read. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mopey, listen to me girl, you do not need to apologize to me. I was being a slimy beeaatch and I deserved it! Don't you worry yourself a bit about it!!! You were having none of my BS (and I don't mean betrayed spouse!) that night and I do not blame you ONE BIT!

Actually the best part was when MEDC did a drive-by and said "If you loved the music so much, you shouldn't have chit on it. You don't chit where you eat!" Hahahahaha...he is a CHITHEAD, isn't he? Or when I got up on my shiny new soapbox and ranted at all of you, and then Mrs W came back with just "That was a very wayward post, Lala. Why don't you re-group and try again." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

OMG...now I am LMAO!!!!! I was cussing ya'll up and down, pacing in the kitchen giving the boys their dinner. I don't even think I ate that night!

What an A$$!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Well FINE then. Ignore me when you are handing out sunshine!

Sorry, buddy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BK-you are ALWAYS funnier than HE11!!!

hehehehe

LaLa...

You crack me up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You've come a long way baby!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Hahahaha....yeah, the chit hit the fan that night with the best of us....lol....and we could smell the chit! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Boy, we got you all riled up, didn't we....lol....poor W2S....he wuz sceered....lol...

I bet he wuz. I bet he didn't want to come home....lol... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

And ya gotta luv MEDC's drive-bys. He can smell chit from a mile away!

And then there is the always polite, even when she's p'od, Mrs. W whom we just luuuuvvvvv.....lol....I think she gets ornery every now and again cuz she's married to a yankee. Can't say I don't understand. We forgive her cuz she's such a wonderful person and realize it was the fog that made her do it anywayz.

And who could forget BK? He's the one liner King of chit statements.

Now, here you are thanking all of us for giving you chit. Aint that some chit? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Chit! Sorry for T/J RLT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I do love me some Mopey!!! ROTFLMAO!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

No chit! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yeah...double sorry for the T/J, RLT!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Ah chit. Yur making me blush. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Gotta agree. Mopey is super yummy! No need to apologize either. I had been trying for 8 months to get through that fog. It was so thick, I was beginning to think it was going to take a nuclear missle to clear it(sorry LaLa). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You really should start your own thread mopey, so all of us don't have to go around TJing everywhere you post <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />


RLT,

I'm very glad to hear that your doing well. You didn't know it but you inadvertantly helped in my recovery. I had read "The Road Less Traveled" when I was in high school, but I hadn't really thought about it in 20 years. Then one day, when LaLa was being particularly difficult and I came here looking for support. I stumbled upon one of your threads where you actually posted the entire poem and everything came back to me. I was at a really loooooow point and after reading the poem agian, it gave me the courage to continue down the "Road Less Traveled". Thank you!

Want2Stay