Hello everyone. I started an EA a little over a year ago. After about 4 months, my W found the cell bill and confronted me. I ended the relationship at that time and my W and I pressed on for a while. Then started it up again only to meet her a month later for a couple of hours. I ended it again. Since then we have spoken on and off about 4-5 times in the last 10 months. My W continues to ask me questions and I tell her it's over with. Recently she discovered an email from her and seen that I had not ended it. After a few talks of divorce, I came clean on everything and filled her in. Although I was surprised, she gave it another chance. Things were great for 2 weeks. I sent out a work email to many folks with the OW on it and she replied in a very formal manner. I questioned why she was so formal with it and it ended a few short lines later. She ended up texting me and my W answered the text to find out that I had not stopped and I lied about the email. Now I have lied to her repeatedly about issues with the OW and don't have a leg to stand on. The bottom line is I love my wife very much and don't want the OW and now my W wants me out. I feel like my world is closing in around me and I have risked her and my son because of a last "reach" to the OW that I don't want to begin with. I've set up for moving out within the next couple of days and an appointment with a counselor (solo) to see if I can get some insight as to why I risked it since I love my wife so much. I'm completely lost and just need some guidance on what to do

Brian...if you do indeed love your wife so much, you must break all contact with the OW....not just for a couple of weeks, but NOW,COMPLETELY, PERMANENTLY!!!!! And change cell #, email address, any form of contact she (OW) can have with you. You must make yourself totally open and honest with your wife-and most importantly-with yourself. Why did you risk it? Not because the OW is so irrestible, or she has something your wife doesn't, but because when you are not confortable with who you are, or don't like yourself, you cannot be any of those things for others. You need to ask yourself"Why do I continue to engage in this risky, self-destructive behavior"? The best way to change anything in a relationship is to start by changing yourself.
Any contact you have with the OW will start up the rollercoaster of emotions all over again-break that cycle as soon as possible.
You do have a ray of hope in obtaining counseling, and a desire to restore your damaged marriage and rebuild the trust that you willingly and knowingly shattered. It can be done-my wife and I are proof that hope, love and honesty can repair the damage done by poor choices and behaviors.
God Bless your endeavors.

Brian,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. As you now know, it takes a lot of lies to yourself to have an affair. I hope you came here to be held accountable, to get to your real whys and unravel all those lies in order to save your marriage.

Begin with posting in the correct forum. See, you're not negotiating in your marriage...you have been attacking and destroying your marriage with infidelity. That's reality...not a judgment. Step up to that and move your post to the Infidelity forum, General Questions II...gets the most traffic, deals with recovery...personal and marital.

Get "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Read about the steps you can take to save your marriage, even now, when you've had several false DDays, heaped hurt upon hurt (each new contact continues the A, so your BW experiences complete and devastating betrayal again and again) on your BW, your family...and others.

There's the No Contact letter, transparent actions...lots of stuff. None of it discounts your pain, either...what it does is address by actions first, where your priority really is...and then you wrestle with your whys.

If you want to leave, go figure out your whys, then you will lose your marriage. Your beautiful real wife and marriage...and you'll lose the chance to work out pre-A stuff, together...with your real life partner.

And you'll just have fantasy continuing, which is OW (not real)...and so your life will repeat with this again and again.

I wouldn't wish that on anyone, Brian. You're worth so much more. I lived it myself...until I stopped.

You can do this.

LA

PS...Welcome Marshall, too...what an awesome post.