WW is now pregnant with OM's.

I did give it my best. I waited and waited for her to come out of the fog. It will probably happen, but I should not wait anymore. Steve believes it could go a few years more.

It is time for me to divorce her and start over, a wiser and better man.

The loss is still major.

She is so clueless, selfish and unfaithful towards me and in regards to her vows…

After all that she put me thru, I don’t really know how I can get a sense of justice and fairness in a no-fault divorce system like we have here.

I wish I could sue her and the OM.

Welcome to this side.

Divorce is sad because it's an end. But, it can be a relief. It sounds like you've been strung along with promises, and it may have felt like your spouse had all the control of the relationship. If that's the case, taking control and taking action may feel good.

I know you don't want to be divorced, and you've tried for a long time to save your relationship. That will count for a lot in the court of public opinion.

Greengables, thank you for your kind words.

End. The end.
I have been holding on so long. I feel strange...I'm so new at ending it.

Man, I've been telling everyone to respect that my now soon to be ex wife was in the fog that I don't really know what to think.

Is there a divorce 101 available?

I don't have time for all my bitterness and frustration I have against her.

Should I be a gentleman or give her a divorce that is a reflection of her callousness. Or maybe I should just get everything I can, but honestly.

I’m sad at the thought of fighting my wife, even in court.

Is your lawyer perfectly honest? I mean, is it standard with them to twist the truth? I don’t feel good about it. My wife is lying outright and she might get away with it. She is so in the fog.

Welcome to the cesspool and get ready for the nightmare ride.

Don't give in to ANYTHING when negotiating the divorce.

In Georgia and many other states, YOU are be responsible for child support for OM's child because you are married to the woman.

Time to grow a set and become a cold, calculating monster, otherwise she WILL steamroll over you and have no remorse about it ever.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I never had to face that or worry about it, I can only imagine how bad I'd feel.

Any idea how OM feels about the OC? He might not be thrilled, and that could hasten the end of the A...

Unfortunately, nothing that happens now is likely to be fair. The courts aren't about 'fairness' as much as disposition of property and protecting children.

I hear that. But I doubt even that would ease the pain.

I think we all yearn for some consequences to fall on our WSs and their OP so they'd learn that one shouldn't treat people this way.

- WG

I'm so sorry. This pain is horrible and there's just no easy way through it.


I ask myself this all the time. Does anybody even know WHY adultery is not even acknowledged by the courts? It just seems rediculous, especially wrt custody hearings. How can it possibly be in a child's best interest to be with a lyin' cheatin' parent who is in a relationship that statistically won't last anyway? How can somebody break their wedding vows, and still be entitled to 50% of the marital assets? Shouldn't it be that if you break your vows, you surrender your entitlement? It's not as if somebody held a gun to the WS's head or anything - it was completely voluntary.

OK, rant over. I do share your pain and wish that none of us ever had to experience this. Be strong - like Pariah said. If you think your WW has been cruel so far, you ain't seen nothing yet. Just know that going in so the shock of it doesn't derail your efforts.

DKL, my lawyer was honest. My ex and I also avoided court and I gave up a lot to be free of him. Keep your long-term objective in mind. I’m going to guess that your long-term objective is to create a happy, healthy life for yourself with the minimal amount of pain and anguish. Achieving this end almost necessitates foregoing punishing or destroying your STBX wife. If you try to get the court to recognize her callousness, etc, you will likely spend lots of time and money and energy over the next 2 years. IMO, you would be better served spending that time getting used to the new period of your life. Beware though. You don’t want to just give up all the financial benefits. Neogiate intellegentally so that you aren’t left in the poorhouse. States can vary dramatically, and even counties vary because of the kinds of judges they have. So, find the best, most ethical lawyer you can and follow his or her advice.

Divorce is not so bad really. First off, you don’t have a spouse actively hurting you. Second, at 42, you still have time. You can take a few years to heal, then start dating and there’s lots to choose from. So, you’re not in a hurry.

About the OC, while Pariah is correct in general, since you all have an SA and you’ve been separated for 2 years, I doubt the court will hold you responsible.

There are some divorce groups. Newly enjoyed her DivorceCare group. But some people have found that long-established groups are more about meeting people.

woundedgentleman
I’m convinced the pregnancy was planed and that they are thrilled. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I’ve never had to deal with so much hatred and anger towards another person as I feel now. I know that it is pitiful what they are doing but it hurts me also.

To punish or not?

A member (Shattered05) thru all of her husband's things on the front lawn when she found out... I thought it was an inspiration. It felt good to hear about an expression of self respect. May I do that now?

Do I just roll over?

My dignity is in turning the other cheek? I don’t understand fair.

Gandhi, Jesus, Buddha,

I'm just a man,

You shouldn't let yourself keep getting walked all over, so by all means set some boundaries and enforce them. Perhaps tell your WS she's got a week or two to make arrangements for her things or you will donate them to charity. But revenge by throwing her stuff out? Think about this:
* you will prove to your in-laws just how bad you are and how WS was totally justified in looking elsewhere
* your future GFs won't be impressed when they learn this is how you treated your ex
* you'll know that she brought you down to her level
* and, it won't really make you feel better for more than a little while

I read somewhere a pithy definition of being a man:
manliness == strength under control

You are the better man here. So keep cool and start thinking about how to deal with your very appropriate feelings of anger.

- WG

Perhaps you might want to post something over on the pregnancy and children board on the Infidelity section. I know there are quite a few people on the Infidelity board who have been through this.

I would strongly encourage you to have a paternity test done as soon as possible.

WG is exactly right about showing yourself to be a person of good character.

Thank you for your support.

I will let her reap what she has sown. I will not take vengence even if I now care very little what she or my inlaws think, considering the little objection thay have shown to her "new relationship" adultery.

Thank you. I just need to talk it out. This is so hard.

I'll be OK.

I don't want to see her anymore; she is pregnant with the OM.

I feel...
... that is, beyond shocked: sad, all over the place.

There is no question for me who is the father. I am not. Seperated to long for that.

I keep playing out in my mind what I could say to her and this is not helping me. I need better people to think things thru. People I respect and that are not lost, as she is.

Venting here at MB is good.

Hoping to shame her, or getting her to feel remorse and apologize, or to make amends are all understandable. But its not going to happen I'm afraid. You haven't been treated right despite your gracious treatment of her during the A and its not fair.

I too had enough from my WS and I don't really care to see her again. Its easy to tell when a Love Bank goes very negative.


- WG

My mother packed my dad's stuff into a brown paper bag and threw out the top floor window. But, you know, that only works well in the beginning and when the WS is around to see it and pick it up. Otherwise, you simply have her stuff spread out all over your lawn.

Does your LSA state that she still owns the stuff in the house? Maybe it's already yours because she abandonned it.

You know what is the best revenge?

Thanks again WG,
I'm all over the place with this. When I was in plan A, I had developed a groove to stay hopeful but now I should just give up. It’s hard. I catch myself trying to figure out how I can still save my marriage to her.

At other times I’m just so sad when I think of all the time I wasted in that relationship.

It is very frustrating, as you mentioned. More than 2 years of plan A drained me.

Greengables,

Best revenge regarding OM is to leave him have my WW as she is.

Best revenge regarding my WW, FXW is to distance myself from her and be happy, grow from this, have a happy fulfilling life with a great new marriage.

How is that?

I think I’ll just let her pickup her stuff. I’ll leave the house during her coming here. I can’t take seeing her pregnant. That was our dream!

I’ll remove any reasonable chance that she can have to rationalise her adultery, if it does not tax my ability to be happy in the future.

I don't know what your WW is like, but I had serious problems with my WH when he was moving his stuff out of the house. He stole many things that were mine including a number of things that were wedding gifts (because he views OW as his "wife" now - no kidding - and so these gifts from MY family were now rightfully hers). He would tell me he'd come Wed at 6 pm but then show up at 2 pm when I was at work or worse, because my mom was having angioplasty at the time and had several out of town dr appointments that I had to take her to, he would come when he knew I was at those. On several occassions I had to get someone to stay at the house. He did not move his stuff out at one time - did it in about 10 trips overall - said it was because they hadn't got the apartment yet (they were staying with a friend). I couldn't legally change the locks until the house was changed into my name only (for this I could have lost everything though he can break his vows, rip out my heart, stomp all over it, publically humilate me and steal my stuff and that's ok).

Anyway, long story short, don't assume your WW will not violate you any more by taking more than what belongs to her or even what you agreed to.

I can empathize. I had similar dreams (we were in the middle of adopting a child), and it killed me inside to see those vanish. However, I've since realized how blessed I was not to have a child with my WW.

Your wife seems to be making a clear ohoice. That's painful, but you at least know you've tried your best in a tough situation.

God bless,

- WG

Make her get a court order to get her things.

Make her issue an itemized list for negotiation of said property.


My wife did this to me and was able to keep alot of my valuable things.

You'd be my hero if you did such to her.