I had a very similar incident when My XH moved out of the house. He took quite a few things that were not his. He managed to take them while the police officer was outside of the home, so be careful and keep a watchful eye.

Make her definitely get a court order to remove her belongings. This will stop much aggravation for you in the long run.

I empathize with you and know how you feel.

It Stinks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I really want to get this behind me for good and I don’t want her in my place anymore. If anything is missing, she can ask a judge for it or sue me.

I have to get her out and I want the agenda of my life back.

I can’t stand thinking this is going to go well…This is a tragedy.
But then I don’t need to make this worst… I have no need for that.

I don’t want anything that belonged to both of us, I would not want the reminders or expos a new someone in my life to that.

I’ll keep the house only until I’m with someone new. Then I’ll sell. She does not want the house anyway.

I’m thinking of renting a small storage area and moving my self all her stuff. What do you think of that idea?

Placing her stuff in storage and letting her make arrangements to pick things up seems pretty good to me. You'd have to mail her a key for a lock. I'd do something like send a letter through my attorney or via certified mail that states where her property is and how she can retrieve it. If she disagrees about some things, let her go through the legal hoops to resolve differences.

Are you able to change locks on your house, and do you know the law if she wants to return or forces her way in?

You don't have to rush to purge the house of all physical reminders. Your feelings about such things may change in a little while.

- WG

Good ideas WG,

I'm looking into them.

I'll see my lawyer Tuesday.

Take care

Thanks Tally,

I'll keep that in mind

Thanks for sharing your experience Tabby,

That is was terrible what he put you thru.

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.

I think I'll rent a storage and move it their so I never have to see her for the rest of my life, if it doesn't go to court.

Man, she filed 700 miles away.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

DLK-

There are good lawyers out there that listen, advise, and help you decide what it best for YOU. My lawyer and para were like that. I wanted to avoid court, we did, until the actual divorce day. We worked everything out, in a fair manner. My A did not encourage me to go for the jugular, he encouraged me to do what I felt best with, and offered advice along the way. It was good for me.

Now, I think that it is time for you to start to look forward, and try as best as you can to let go. Are you on any meds? If not, they do help to get some anti D's while you are going through it.

Once you realize what your M was, and how she did not respect it, you will one day realize it is for the best that it is over, before you had kids. That makes it harder.

I wish you all of the best.

Oh, I also think that the storage idea is a good one.

mine took some stuff he had promised not to take, also. Change the locks. Have someone there w/ you if she comes by. I really like the idea of packing it up for her - doesn't have to be nice packing - just responsible. And put it outside in safe place or in storage and telling her to go get it.

There is a little problem with the storage idea in that
-I have to get a lease for $230 per month in my name and my credit card that will automatically renew itself and
-she can not unless she goes there with me at the same time and signs it.
-Anyway, I would be responsible and maybe that is acceptable for me. I’m already responsible of all her belongings in our house.
-That way I never see her picking up her belongings and the fallout of our marriage.
-I get a sense of putting her out of my life so I don’t get this looser feeling as strongly.
-I just don’t want to see her pregnant with the OM’s.

Thank you for reading. Sorry if I don’t make perfectly good sense to you, at least I’m getting a clearer outcome.
This entire situation is like a crater after a bombing to me with only ruins and bits and peaces. It seams all so meaningless to me now. But yes, I learned.

And why do I not like Angelina Jolie?...

Change the locks.
Yes, good idea. One left to change.


The alarme is in her name... What do I do? Stop paying it? Install a second?. Agree with her? They said that she can change the password, it is her account, or is it ours. But anyway, I can not get her off of it unilateraly.

Whose name is on the deed to the house? If yours alone, I'd throw a conniption fit until the alarm company closed the account. Otherwise, I'd make sure that the alarm company agrees that your WW alone is financially responsible, and tell them that you will no longer be paying the fee. You could tell them how to reach WW, and she might be glad to put an end to it.

On another topic. It sounds like a storage unit isn't the ideal solution. Do you two have a mutual friend with a large garage who could help you out? Or do her parents live close enough so that you could arrange with them to accept her things. Do you have a garage you could leave things in, and let her pick them up there, without gaining access to the house? Or you could box them up, and let her pick them up (within a timeframe) on a scheduled date. On that date, a friend watches the house for you while you are exercising at the gym and wearing your cell phone, just in case.

- WG

DLK, gosh, I am so so so sorry you are going thru all of this. My ex-h, got his ow number ??? pregnant. I know that pain.

Please consult an attorney quickly. I dont know your state laws but I am sure you don't want to be stuck with child support for a child that is NOT yours.

My prayers are with you.

Angelia,
Here were I live, I could not be held responsible for OM’s child. If I ask for a paternity test it would only insult my WSBXW and the OM. That is a good idea in one sense but, I’m working on a settlement now. I want to put her behind me and move on in these circumstances.

Thanks for your concern.

woundedgentleman

My attorney is thinking in terms of letting movers do all the work and not let her in the house.

A settlement counterproposal was offered yesterday and now the ball will be in her court.

I really want her out of my life now. I don’t even wish to fight her, the OM maybe, but in this day and age, it is not an option.

Thanks for you ideas.

I’ll try to keep you posted,

Professional movers does sound like the best idea. Perhaps a little more expensive, but probably safest for you.

It sounds like you ought to be able to settle. Both of you want it - it is just a matter of terms. She obviously wants to move head with her OM. And you want to escape her.

You are very understandably still recovering from the shock of the pregnancy, despite your long suffering and gracious behavior to her. But keeping her out of sight and purging the house of all of her things isn't a recipe for healing.

I have a friend, F, with 2 DDs and 50% custody, who's WW left for an OM, after the D became pregnant with OM's child, and then married OM. F is reminded of his XW's behavior constantly: his girls talk about the new baby, he has to negotiate co-parenting issues weekly, etc... His number one priority is his daughters and if he couldn't get through his bitterness, he wouldn't be the parent he needs to be.

Now that your M is ending, maybe you could consider looking for an in person support group (as well as MBs, of course) or a therapist to work through some of the anger, and to understand how you ended up with Mrs. DLK21 and what factors affected the marital breakup.

Peace,

- WG

The logic behind a marriage is not the same for every couple. I held out in the hope that her affaire would die a natural death and would open an window to save our marriage. I decided that if she became pregnant with OM I would give up on her, on us. And now she is. It is the end. I invested so much in this relationship that it hurts to accept that it is over. It is not reasonable for me to go on.

In a bizarre way, I feel like I’m justifying the OM’s actions. I am loosing to the OM. In fact I am. I really am. My wife is having his child. It’s awful. It’s horrible.

A court date is set, in 6 weeks. So she is my wife for that long.

“His number one priority is his daughters and if he couldn't get through his bitterness, he wouldn't be the parent he needs to be.”

Different situations cause different reactions. Giving up on a WW is freeing. Steve Harley, in counselling told me at the very beginning that if I gave up on her, I would feel much better, but I’d loose her. With two kids, your friend does have ties to her XW that I will not have. I wasted so much time. At least he has something to show for their life together.

My WW is leaving with her medical specialty in surgery, and I’m left with the lost of what I invested in what I thought would help us have a happy life together, i.e. a wife with a job she loves, that pays great and that will help in supporting our family. But I’m left with a crater.

I’ll get over it. No actually, I won’t. I’ll get used to it. I'll make the best of it and move on. Play the hand I’m left with. It is not that bad actually; but it is just a horrible lost, their adultery.

To me, not to her, to me, it is as if she is dying. It is like the death of a child. I’m mourning. I'll be grieving. I'm grieving as fast as I can.

And I know she would want me to be gracious and a gentleman.

In a no-fault divorce, it's as if that's what should take place, what I should be going thru is nothing…no-fault, no fault after all.

A good looser in a sense. But really, I’m thinking “just compensation”, their repentance, their regret.

Ok that’s enough for now.

You are right that my friend needed to get over things (or at least function as if he had) quickly, because of his need to care for his kids, and not cause more damage to them. Your situation is of course entirely different.

I can really empathize with the 'so much invested' thinking. I married late-ish, at 34, and very much wanted to grow a family with WW. I understood she wanted that to and she repeatedly verified that, even during her A. And we were months away from finalizing an adoption. Now at 40, I'm older, and my dreams of raising kids aren't going to be realized soon, if ever.

Do grieve. Do mourn. Take your time and don't rush.

Letting go and actually not so much participating but realy activeling seeking divorce from my STBXW is really quite a change in mind set for me.

I've had night mares about it. It is bizarre for me to be doing the rejecting now. Hard to emotionally grasp what I'm doing. I don't want her in my life anymore. Not as a WS and even if she came out of the fog, and wanted back, I really don't think, with a child from this OM, the OM who sabotaged our marriage, that I'd take her back.

I don't want to be friends with her nether. I actually wish I had never met her.
It’s that terrible of an experience for me, our marriage. I now know how to tern a marriage around but I can’t say that I’m happy I married her.

I know many are indecisive about deciding when is 'enough'. I gradually moved towards separation, Plan B, and Plan D over a period of about 18 months. I hoped WW would choose the M, not As. She didn't. I had a lot of mental anguish in choosing to end the M.

I think everyone sooner or later reaches their limit. Once it became abundantly clear that WW was choosing OM, and could or would not choose the M (my conditions included NC and RH) I let go. We both filed paperwork for the D at the same time.

I too have no desire to see WW again or to have any communication with her. I could, but what would be the point? I realize that it would have been better if we had never met - but the past is fixed, unlike the future, so there is no use crying over it. I can appreciate the good points in the M. I enjoyed being M'd, I grew as a person, I had a lot of ENs met. But I wouldn't tolerate indefinate adultery.

DLK21,

I am so sorry for your loss, I don't usually reply on op post but your thread regarding giving up on the WS struck major chord. I am also struggling with finding "myself" and my place in this world. Though our situations are different the end results are the same.

My state is a "no fault" also but someone is at fault, right? But is it worth the effort to prove it and who really cares but us? It's a daily struggle to conduct one self with dignity without feeling like a doormat.

"Best revenge regarding my WW, FXW is to distance myself from her and be happy, grow from this, have a happy fulfilling life with a great new marriage." -- I like this statement and if you don't mind I like to borrow it (well, with some changes in the WS gender)!

I wish you the best of luck--someone told me when I first started to post on MB--there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Maybe I'll see you there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Tami