Tami,

Dr Harley has often stated that the BS has every right to divorce and that he can barely imagine what the BS is going thru with a WS. That being said, divorcing a WS is quite a decision. But it is ok to do it.

For me, I’ve heard on MB Radio Dr Harley say that when a Wwife asks for divorce, usually the BS should give up and move on. I think it is just too unromantic and possessive like to try.

For myself, divorce was imposed upon me by my WS but now I would be actively seeking it if it was not the case. You see, after 2 years, with WW carrying OM’s child, with no kids of our own, they had a house built, she has introduced him to every one, has every one enabling their affaire, she is living 700 miles from me so no real plan A is possible unless I move there, and that is unreasonably risky and costly… it is no longer reasonable for me to hold on.

Yes your husband is very much at fault and so is the OW. Your WH is hurting you and your family. I hope at the very least you never forget that. I hope that your children are acutely aware of that because they are so close to you.

I believe that the only true healing will come in having someone (else) in my life. Someone depositing love unites. I have been terribly lonely during our marriage, something she has never acknowledged, and obviously especially lonely during the more than 2 years of her ongoing affaire. I can’t go on like this. It’s not healthy for me. I’m just no made to be alone.

I wanted kids and now I feel I’m loosing an important widow of opportunity that is narrowing on me. With everything I have learned about being happy with a wife, I don’t want to invest in our marriage anymore. But really, if she showed up wanting back, I don’t know what I’d say but that is really only a fantasy in my case now.

What will hopefully happen is that we will divorce, I’ll find someone with whom to be happy and I’ll never want to loose that even to a XWW that would want to come back. The door will be closed to her. This is the likely scenario.


take care,

DLK21 (I have to change my name)

WG,
"The past is fixed." Yes. Thank you.

And thank you for your understanding and sharing WG. I appreciate it.

Sorry to not having responded earlier. I’m really quite bummed out these past few days. But this to will pass.

up date

Well the offers are going. I feel like I'm selling out. At least part of me feels that way. But I don't trust a no-fault judge.

This is all very disapointing. I have my temper under controle but it is just as hard not to get depressed.

Sorry you are going through this DLK21. Try to hold it together as best you can. If you are feeling depressed, see a dr and get some meds. It's not a sign of weakness - just something to help through the rougher patches. It could help a lot during these times when you have to make important decisions.

Ugh, divorce is so complicated. I agree that you do need to have control over what she takes; even if you don't want to see her. My ex came out to the farm to pick up his tools in the outbuildings while I was gone and also took things I had bought myself, and after he left. What does a man living in an apartment need with my chainsaw, ice chopper, and 3 gas cans???! And I got the farm and all the work that goes with it........

divorce isn't the answer...it's the easy way out...the only real divorce is death...FORGIVENESS is the key, you can rebuild your marriage but it takes work...no man is perfect and we make mistakes...Rememer the story in the bible when Jesus asked the woman where was her husband and the man was was with (married to at the time) wasn't her husband. Well, the woman had been married several times but Jesus saw her as being married to that first husband...and dirovce has to be granted and agreed upon...if not, then you have to remain with that person...it's up to you, your choice to be happy and learn from those mistakes or you can look elsewhere but you'll end up finding the same problems...

Wow, what arrogance. Until you've walked in his shoes don't assume you're in any position to second guess his decisions. Furthermore, it isn't your place to beat him down with your interpretation of the bible or assume you know what God's purpose is for his life.
Whatever pain your wife is causing you with her opinion on divorce and adultery needs to be taken up with Veterans who have already moved past the pain of divorce and separation, not those in the middle of the nightmare.

I freaked out.

We agreed on, well, what we could in a no-fault divorce. And that was every thing material, house etc.

When I got the papers, I would have had to sign that I thought all this was good and fair. Now, look, it just is not. I can't sign it. I tried to see how I could change it, and my lawyer said that the judge would not agree to accept if I said all this is unfair and that I'm only doing this so a no-fault judge doesn't make it worst.

So I guess it will go to the no-fault judge anyway and they will do their thing.


I think I prefer to loose $10-20K and at least keep my pride and my honour.

I just could not endorse the blatant disrespect of what I have been put thru.

Has anyone had to put up with this legal double talk?

If you think you would be taking unfair advantage, that's one thing.

But, if you are concerned that your wayward spouse is getting off too easy and that's "not fair", then I would suggest not getting too hung up in the language. It will never be fair because you were a victim of a cheater. I would interpret the phrase "good and fair" in the limited context of property division in an uncontested divorce. In other words, you don't have to agree that it is fair that you are in these circumstances. But given that you are, is the property agreement reasonable and not unjust?

That's just my perspective. It sounds like you have been very honorable throughout a long situation. If you want to try to establish fault, you are certainly entitled and it shouldn't be that hard, just costly and drawn out. But in the spirit of the law sense, if you don't think you are harming your spouse, I wouldn't be too bothered.

Of course ultimately, you are the one that has too look yourself in the mirror.

- WG

Im a christian and love the lord with all my heart. Ive read the bible and have actually taught sunday school before.....and to my knowledge, Ive never seen in the bible say its fine to be an idiot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Not talking about you Tower or TLK21.....just staying in this marriage would be idiotic. His wife is an adulterer and I have read in the bible where it states that is a reason TO divorce. With no ties (children) with this woman, I would say its pretty darned smart of him to move on. This does NOT have the makings of a marriage that will last in my opinion. God Bless and have a great day.

Thank you again WG. Your comments reflect your concern and understanding.

Going on 3 year in September… it’s too long. Way too long. I’m so lonely.

When I think of all the little situations where I could have turned things around with Dr Harleys advice… A little change would have carried us really far. I wasted so much energy on Dr Phil’s Relationship Rescue.

For the papers, I just could not sign it. I can’t endorse the no-fault divorce process with the OM thinking that it is not illegal to invade our marriage like he did and “put asunder”.

Contested/uncontested? It’s all getting a little blurry for me. She is pregnant with the OM, she is married to me, separated but married. I conclude that her infidelity and adultery is a given. Is it not? Apparently the judge will not care to hear it. At least I will say no to the unfairness of it all.

I’m about to change lawyer for a married man. The woman representing me, I found out, is in a 20+ year committed relationship but unmarried. Go figure.

I’m packing WW's things these days. It’s really sad. So stupid really. I get so worked up with the absence of any effort to make us happy in our marriage. Friends will help me move her things to a storage locker I rented yesturday.

Bad news this week: We (I) lost the last opening for a hearing this winter, spring or summer. The next available hearing for a contested divorce is only in September 2008.

I’ll be in no man’s land I’m afraid. WW is completely lost, I really no longer want her back (she would have to beg me to try to cange my mind now that she is having OM’s child). This has been 2 1 / 2 years and now it is going to be 3 years. And she is living, as if all is normal with the OM. I should be able to conter file for divorce in an express mode on the grounds of adultery and pregnancy with the other man’s child.

Thank you StartingOver

I feel very little guilt for divorcing. I’ll get an annulment also and that will take care of the religious side.

So you have to wait until September 2008 for the hearing.
There is no reason to hasten time. Let time take its course.

DLK, Thanks for your kind words, they brightened my day.

This Autumn will also be three years for me, though I should be divorced before then. I too am lonely and am still bitter about my situation far too often. I struggle to view my WW as human and suffering, and not just evil based on her actions.

For sure I was not a perfect husband, but on the other hand, I think I was a pretty good one, to the extent I can be objective. It was/is tempting to adopt the victim mentality that its all the other person's fault (not saying you do this, just speaking from my experience).

I think I have delayed my own healing and moving on by withdrawing into a bit of a shell. Probably I've been depressed and should have sought medical support, but I didn't. I still struggle to trust God to meet my souls deepest needs; ultimately my spouse couldn't have met those needs even though being with her masked them (e.g., kept me from feeling lonely).

I wonder if you also are delaying your own healing?

On the legal front, I wonder about your switching attorneys. Staying in a relationship long-term without the protection of marriage doesn't strike me as a particularly bad thing and I don't think you are going to find a morally perfect lawyer. Perhaps you are too sensitive about this.

Aas an aside: I really enjoyed the recent screenplay adaptation of "The Painted Veil". I was rather surprised to find my emotional response switch from unlimited anger at the cheating wife to pity and empathy at her subsequent sad situation. Probably the key was visibly watching her change (and boy have I always looked for such empathy from my WW). I ended up feeling that marriages can endure a lot of pain and emerge intact.

Back to legal stuff. I moved from strongly wanting to prove adultery in court, to being willing to settle on no-fault grounds. I don't think its wrong to make a decision based on pragmatics. At the end of the day, I know the truth. While I'd prefer that judicial system call the situation what it is, I really don't expect 'moral justice' from the courts. At this point, I'll be satisfied if a gross inequity in financial division is avoided. And I believe that in the long term, justice will be done:

1 Cor. 4:4-5 (4) My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. (5) Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts.

- WG

That is a great scripture. Thanks, WG.

My children have never been told about their father's multiple emotional affairs. I have always taken the brunt of the blame and have told them exactly why their father SAID he wanted a divorce. They think his STATED reasons are baloney and inadequate.....<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> because I was not a good housekeeper <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. (Let's try - he felt guilty for deciding, after he married me, that he thought he wanted a relationship with my sister.)

'rella,

Thanks. I often appreciate reading your perspectives around here. And not to be obsequious, but I simple adore your Elle Woods quote.

Someone reminded me of Ps. 37:5-6 recently: "(5) Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: (6) He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."

I think in one of C.S. Lewis's fictional books he has a line "there are no private affairs". My recollection is that the point was that every action has a consequence on others. Someday all will be known.

A guy in my divorce support group talks about his teen-ish kids and uses the phrase "propaganda war" to describe how his ex (and sometimes he) tries to spin things. What games we play.

- WG

WG, thanks.

I'm glad you like the quote. Actually, Elle said 'exercise' instead of chocolate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Either one works, usually. However, chocolate is more fun. Or, so I think.

I've lived longer than many of the people here. I've been divorced longer. I grew up as the daughter of a white collar mom and a blue collar dad. My mom was a medical social worker. My dad was a union member. I just see things differently. Plus, I have always embraced that ability.

There are times when I just get tired of someone's fogese or babbling or whining or whatever and choose to say what I think w/ no gentleness. When everyone else has been gentle and patient, sometimes some member just has to step up and say things bluntly. Fortunately, I don't do it often.

This is a farce.

Maybe I should ask for joint custody. I mean, we are married and they are acting like nothing is wrong.

Well something is very wrong. The problem here is that I'm really left out alone. She has a life and they are stomping on ours. I can't stand this anymore. It's been 2 1/2 years and she is pregnant with the OM.

Maybe that would wake them up to the fact that…we are still married!

Injustice. Cheating.

Wasn't sure whether 'this' was this post or this situation...

Anyway, asserting parent rights and seeking joint custody sounds like an excellent way to get hooked for 18+ years of child support...

Sorry you're in this lousy mess. She's hurt you and is hurting you. At some point I think for your own good you need to let her go. At least isolate yourself from some of the pain (Plan B is meant to help with this and Plan D should accomplish this). Put your energy into seeking a productive and fulfilling life without your WW in it. At this point you seem to want her too badly and you aren't likely to win her back.

At my final divorce hearing my WW expressed some regret and said "we just moved apart". I held my tongue (we didn't 'just move apart'). In some sense she regrets hurting me, but certainly not enough to give up the boyfriend. I'm also 2.5 years into this, and sometimes I still have to remind myself "she doesn't actually care about me".

- WG

I’m now divorced since Friday April 11th. 2008: I just found out by getting the judgement today. It’s now official.

I can’t understand, or maybe I do, but feel this is just wrong that the judge, instead of mentioning that the reason he is in a hurry to pronounce the divorce is because she is due to deliver a baby from “a new” “union”!

Adultery is now “a new union” and infidelity, that is, living with another in adultery is now a “union” for a judge. This is so destructive to marriage. What has gone so wrong that marriage gets no respect, none.

Anyway, this liberal “family justice”, as they call this court , is all so disappointing and just unjust and immoral.