Hello everyone. I started an EA a little over a year ago. After about 4 months, my W found the cell bill and confronted me. I ended the relationship at that time and my W and I pressed on for a while. Then started it up again only to meet her a month later for a couple of hours. I ended it again. Since then we have spoken on and off about 4-5 times in the last 10 months. My W continues to ask me questions and I tell her it's over with. Recently she discovered an email from her and seen that I had not ended it. After a few talks of divorce, I came clean on everything and filled her in. Although I was surprised, she gave it another chance. Things were great for 2 weeks. I sent out a work email to many folks with the OW on it and she replied in a very formal manner. I questioned why she was so formal with it and it ended a few short lines later. She ended up texting me and my W answered the text to find out that I had not stopped and I lied about the email. Now I have lied to her repeatedly about issues with the OW and don't have a leg to stand on. The bottom line is I love my wife very much and don't want the OW and now my W wants me out. I feel like my world is closing in around me and I have risked her and my son because of a last "reach" to the OW that I don't want to begin with. I've set up for moving out within the next couple of days and an appointment with a counselor (solo) to see if I can get some insight as to why I risked it since I love my wife so much. I'm completely lost and just need some guidance on what to do

First off,

It was a wise decision to come here.

Now the reason you care about the OW is that you're chemically tied by the dopamine released when the OW contacts you. You need to stay in No contact for life. That means she is a ghost. You need to forget about her reactions and think only of you and your family.

Your wife has every reason to divorce you at this point so look at it as follwos: any more contact = divorce.

Affairs are like a disease that take over and spread. Just like an alcoholic you can't jsut have a drink you need to go cold turkey. While it's incredibly difficult you need to get to a good counselor and you need to own your affair and say this is a relationship that will kill all that you have worked hard to establish. Not to mention the fact you are killing your wife and child by creating an atmosphere of distrust.

How do I rebuild that trust? I want to do right by this and I can follow through with the NC, but she has given up on me. What options are left to me? Or are they all gone due to my dishonesty? I want nothing more than to prove to her that I can do this and show her how important that her and my little boy are to me, but I feel like she is deadlocked on this. I don't blame her at all. We had a good thing going and I know that there is a lot of love there to make a future out of. I'm going to seek help and have strength to get through this, but how do I save my marriage at this point?

First, write a NO CONTACT letter to the OW, have your wife read and approve the letter and have your wife mail the letter to the OW. You will need help with this one, there are no contact letters available on this site and in the books I recommend later in this message. In the letter, you do not express any guilt about hurting the OW...she is not the victim here...your wife is the victim in this and she is the ONLY person you should be worried about (besides your kids). The OW does not matter to your recovery and since you will have no further contact with her for the rest of your natural life (yes, I really said that) then you don't worry about her feelings or promises you made to her or anything else regarding the OW.

Second, FIND ANOTHER JOB. Don't make excuses, don't rationalize why you HAVE to stay where you are...just do it. You screwed up. You have to fix it. You cannot fix it while you are still working with the OW. It's very simple. Get another job, PRONTO.

Third, don't move out of the house...move to another room if your wife can't have you in the same room with her, but don't move out if you can avoid it. You do not need time to think, you don't need to see if you can live alone. This only encourages communication with the OW.

Fourth, you need to sit down and answer any and all questions your wife has with COMPLETE and TOTAL HONESTY. Don't try to keep some things back in order to "protect her". It is up to her to decide what she can and can't handle...but you don't have the right to make that decision for her. Further, if you lie anymore (or "omit" the full truth, which is the same thing) you are only driving more nails into your wife's heart. **STOP LYING**

Fifth, get and read "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs", both available on this website. You and your wife should BOTH read both of these books and then start working on the worksheets that are recommended.

There are more experts here that will be along to give you probably better advice, but you should mull these over in your head for a few minutes then make a plan of how you are going to fix this.

1. don't move out

2. go with wife and buy a new cell phone in which she sets up all passwords...you want to retrieve a text or message...
you'll need her to do it...

3. go and get a key-logger that your wife then installs with her her own access so she can view any and all computer activity at home.

4. if you work with the OW...make plans TODAY to find a new job....

5. if the OW is married..contact and inform/apologize to him over the EA...you owe him the right to KNOW

6. find a pro-marriage counselor today...today today today....

to me all these things sound the like the beginging of someone truly interested in fixing what they broke...

whadda ya think...

ARK

Do you work with the OW?

Brian,

You've gotten some great advice here already. I honestly hope that you are listening. You need to understand that your marriage may already be over, no matter what you do. Repeated lies are very damaging to BS.

I am not trying to discourage you, just trying to emphasize to you the magnitude of damage you have done.


By never lying to your wife again, by being a complete open book to her, by making absolutely sure that she never has to wonder again if you are sneaking around behind her back. By answering every question she asks truthfully and completely, no matter how many times she asks the same questions. And be prepared, the trust you destroyed will take a long, long, long time to rebuild. Every time you violate the trust, regaining it becomes more and more difficult.

Another important thing is that you need to discover why you have been so willing to jeopardize your marriage and be able to share the reasons with your wife.

So, Brian, are you willing and prepared to take the advice given here without a guarantee that your wife will agree to give you another chance?

Who

Does he still work with the OW?

He still includes the OW on emails to work people...so I would assume so.

His problem is pretty apparent to me. The reason his affair is on again, off again is because he never ended contact. He is in a state of perpetual withdrawal.

Even a business email triggers his feelings again. Every contact is the equivalent of a recovering alcoholic taking that first drink, setting up the craving again.

Anyway, that is why you can't end your affair, Brian. You don't even have to go to a counselor to find that out. Please pay the receptionist on your way out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I don't work directly with her...she is in another state and has been all this time, but she is related to the work. I am currently working on another position that will discontinue that action. My wife wants me out, so in order to show her I'm not selfish and give her the space, so I agreed. The OW is not married. I just came back from the counselor and he said I am in crisis mode with life. What do I do if I still have to move out?

so you have been in contact with her via work?

Just on the email that I sent yesterday

My wife wants me out, so in order to show her I'm not selfish and give her the space,

oh God..this is the stuff that makes my head spin...

lets do this from the legal divorce standpoint...

when this hits the court you will say you left to honor your wifes wishes...and you both agreed to this...

her lawyer will turn it immediately in to YOU abandoned your son and your wife...

your act of non-selfishness will turn in to a loaded gun in which you once held the bullets for....

happens to men all the time...

now lets do the real stuff the real emotional stuff...

your leaving will set a pattern in which you teach your son that when the going gets rough....you just leave....

it will instill in to him the belief that HE has made you unhappy and because of HIM you left....

children are EGOCentric...and CAN NOT think outside of their world...

if only he was a better son
if only he was fill in the blank...you and mommy would be together...

even though you and your wife will tell him over and over about it's NOT him..it's you and mommy just working on things....

the seed is planted also for him in life to RUN from his problems

and most importantly...for quite a while you didn't live your marriage vows...

and you now have the wake up call to do so....

so IF your marriage vows have meaning...
if they have value...

then you stay and fight the good fight at home....

there is nothing selfish in that....

you stand for your marriage....

she is free to leave if she chooses...

but you should not.....

ARK

So there are absolutely no communication via email even though you work together? I thought you said you received an email from her?

ok, I found it. Do you have to communicate for work issues? Or has that ended?

Brian:

Just so you know, I am the Formerly Wayward Husband round here.

So listen carefully.

Everyone else has posted you VERY good advice.

ADVICE that you should follow.

And one of the most important ones, is NOT to move out.

Just like Ark has stated. NO MATTER what, it will backfire on you.

Do the steps as outlined to insure NO CONTACT.

Delete her from your Mass Email listings.

Get a new cellphone and Number.

Put the keylogger in.

Call the Harleys and set up some phone consultations with them.

You promised your W that you had told her everything. Now, she finds out more. ANd soon, she will find out even MORE.

Because you can't stop. And until you do, this roller coaster will not stop. And this is ENTIRELY within your control.

"Well, I used to talk to her EVERY DAY, and now its only once a month!, Doesn't that count!" NO! Because you said you were not contacting her. But you continued to do so. She even replied to your business email in a "formal manner" and you had to question that! WHY DID YOU? IF you even APPEARED to be keeping it arms length, you might get some credit, but you didn't.

This Marriage of YOURS can be saved because of YOUR efforts.

Get His Needs, Her Needs, (HNHN) and start understanding where YOU were treating your W badly.

And start working on THOSE behaviors and habits.

And then we can start working on recovering your M and building it into a GREAT One.

I can recommend the Marriage Builders weekend to you as well. It might make all the difference in the world to your marriage. It did mine. When I booked the weekend, even though it was right in the middle of something else that was important to me, it SHOWED my wife that I had changed. And it was one of the building blocks that brought us to an amazing marriage NOW.

And if the weekend cost $1,500, between the session fee, the hotel, food and travel costs, how much do you think the security deposit and first months rent and utility deposits and new furniture costs for your new place are going to cost? And what about the Attorneys fees?

So, try the MB weekend, it MIGHT make all the difference in the world for you.

LG

There is no longer any communication via email. I am working on another position that will take me out of the "loop". I let my W read all of this information this morning. I went through some sort of breakdown yesterday all the way into last night. Came clean with her on everything and after she read what you folks put on here, she changed her mind to let me stay and work this one more time. I will be going to counseling for the dishonesty and will be changing cell phone number and giving her access to everything! My W wants to say thank you for your insight, support and unrivaled advice. We will be visiting often. Special thanks go out to Ark, Cathy and Melody as well as the rest. By the way...where do I find out what all these acronyms are?