Our divorce was final Thursday, 11/29/2007. Found out today she has a bf. Not doing so well with this. Felt ill. Any suggestions?

I gave up hope of reconcilation a couple of months ago. About the time I suspect she got new bf. We have been seperated for 18 months. Sad, but true, if she would go to counseling I would consider taking her back. Just not ready to move on. Still need some time.

If I was a betting man. 6 months and she is remarried (3rd times the charm).

We had a joint lawyer for the divorce. He called me tonight for some information; and actually cheered me up.

Me 33, Ex 41, S3
D-day Novermber 29, 2007
Seperated September 1, 2006

Divorce is painful enough, that lots of people jump into a new relationship. It dulls the pain. It can be an attempt to validate something about yourself. For example in your XW's case, possible that she is still young/attractive/desirable and won't be alone. Or the delusion that she's better off without you.

Do yourself a favor and don't rush anything yourself.

Sooner or later, you've got to detach and not keep feeling trashed because of her (continuing) mistreatment. But give yourself some time to grieve first.

In my case, my WW found a BF (actually BFs) during our marriage. At first I felt every offense no matter how small. Of course there were big ones like: (1) them having SF; (2) in my bed; (3) carrying on in front of my child; (4) her cooking a meal for him; (5) her buying gifts for him; and so on. But at some point I'd really experienced a full quota of mistreatment, and each additional thing really wasn't that much worse than the last. [It was still _wrong_, but I was beating myself up obsessing about each new bad act.] She mistreated me badly, and was going to continue to do so. I stood up to it long enough to try and recover the M, and I behaved ethically, at times even graciously while doing so.

You life will take a turn for the better and your feelings will change. In my case safe (same-sex) friends have been a help along the way.

Best regards,

- WG

First let me say - THIRD TIME IS NOT ALWAYS THE CHARM. And yes, she may remarry, but that will be her decision. You cannot worry about what she chooses for her future.

My saga has gone on for pushin 5 years, WH has had MANY, MANY gf. Certainly, it hurts (hence my membername). I would have taken WH back too, but he doesn't want a normal, healthy, emotionally involved relationship. It's taken me a long, long time to MOVE ON..and I truly don't want to, but I have no other choice.

YOu do need time to heal and fit into your new classification of Divorced. Try to fill every minute doing what makes you feel good, surround yourself w/friends, meet new people, try a new sport.

And my response is alittle different than "gentlemen's" if you need to "validate", it could help. Some people don't need validation IMHO it depends on how you were treated during the marriage, the separation, what you see when you look in the mirror, what's important to YOU..

Hugs and Healing Vibes

Thank you both.

Had to meet ex this morning to start my day. Thought it was going to be a another bad day. But, after a good cry this morning at breakfast with my closest and dearest friend. Today is going to be ok. The internet is down at office, so I am at the coffee shop. Have my son tonight and looking forward to spending time with him.

WG the good news is 1,2, 4, & 5 have most likely already happened. So, I will not have to face each one individually. Her having a bf is hard to deal with, but good for me. I am standing up to her and not letting her walk all over me. Previously, if she asked I would just start jumping until I got it right.

Ithurts. Filling the void in all my free time is hard. Good news today, my development partner is letting me move my home office to his executive suite. We are starting a small group on monday evenings for business professinals. Monday is the one night that has always been hard to fill with something productive. Getting back in the gym a couple night's a week.

Hey - it sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders. Structure is good. Now is as good a time as any to take on a new goal or project. I decided to learn to play a musical instrument. 43things is an unusual website where people lists goals that they want to accomplish; you might find something else there.

I have been sleeping better. Tonight is the first night in a couple of nights I have not been able to sleep all night. My son is with my mom tonight helping decorate for Christmas. So, the house is quiet.

I have written two letters in the last couple of days. The first being a letter to her family. It orginally told my side of the story. My friends helped me understand, although good for my dealing with the divorce, not good for my relationship with my ex or her family. The final version is a thank you, Merry Christmas, expressing how much I care about ex and son, and wishing her and the family their best. I am going to send it to them this weekend with a picture Christmas card of me and my son. Something I would like to do every year. Just an update on my son and me. He gets to visit them maybe 4 or 5 times a year.

The second letter was more of a plan B letter. Laying down the ground rules. I have been supporting her since the seperaton. The letter is something I should have done a year ago, but was not willing to succeed to defeat. She never really responded to Plan A and I did attempt Plan B, but it was immediately clear was going to hurt my son more than achieving the effect of Plan B.

In writing the second letter, I had a brain thought. My ex and son are leaving Christmas eve for Houston and I will not get to see him on Christmas. Tomorrow (today), I am going to call my exbrother inlaw and send him a present for my son from me and one from Santa. I am thinking about including a small stocking. He is the only one in her family I trust to make sure my son gets these presents on Christmas Day. My ex and son will celebrating Christmas morining at his house. I would send them with my ex, but really I want him to be surprised.

I have told my ex not purchase me anything for Christmas. This weekend I am planning on taking my son shopping to buy three small presents for his mom. Any ideas. I would like to buy her one small present from me. That would go in the box to Houston for Christmas morining. The normal list of things I would choose for her is out of the question. No bf I have some ideas. But, I am drawing a blank on a gift w/ bf.

Money really isn't the issue. But, I am thinking in $100 range for all six presents. Two for my son (in Houston)($50), Three for my ex (from son)($25-50), and one for my ex (from me)($??). I know my math is bad. Just trust me it will be closer to $100 than $101. Her present in Houston will most likely be from Santa.

Dealing with divorce around the holidays is hard. Anybody have any thoughts on the letters and presents. I still love her and would take her back. So, I need some good ideas that show her I care, but not go overboard.

It sounds like you really didn't want this divorce, at least at this time. I'm sorry to hear that. Some of the things you describe sound like you are trying to hang on. You don't want to be 'desparately' hanging on.

Writing her family. I wouldn't say anything that could be interpreted as putting your spouse down. There is no payoff in that. You could wish them holiday greeting and express basic facts like: (1) you didn't want the divorce; and (2) you have some hopes for a reconciliation. Depending on your wife's character, she might have told them any number of unflattering things about you (regardless of truth or falsehood). Families tend to embrace their relatives vs. in-laws; you can't expect anything different.

I can't see why you would both: (1) send a Plan-B letter and (2) give her a $100 gift. That would be sending mixed signals. If you want to let her see consequences of the divorce, why give her a nice gift? If you want to woo her, why send her a Plan-B letter.

On getting your son gifts on Christmas Day. Why not call your ex and ask her opinion about your shipping gifts to the in-laws? You need to start trying to work with her as a parent - the analogy that seems right to me is treating her as a "business partner" in the business of raising your child. You don't want to surprise her. My child is a teenager and is probably a different scenario, but I try to directly give her anything rather than through my WS, because my WS isn't trustworthy; your situation may be different.

If you must give something to your ex W, I'd keep it small. I don't think you're going to buy her love at this point or impress her with gifts. A card that tells her how you feel (e.g., you still have feelings for her and still hope for a reconciliation) costs little, but sends the message you are trying to get across. For gifts from your son, I'd suggest something she would genuinely appreciate getting from him. Such as a locket with a picture of (just) him inside it. Or a picture and frame of (just) him. Gifts are personal, so its hard to make specific ideas, but here are some anyway: hand lotion or nice soap; gift card for Starbucks; supplies for a hobby of hers; a handmade card from your son; quality dark chocolate.

Its tough. I hope you get some other advice here.

- WG

I would not send her a Christmas gift from yourself. A Christmas card would be better, IMHO. A gift from you on top of the gifts you are helping your son buy would seem smoothering to me, even stalkerish. And that's not a good look on anyone.

YOu might also consider Christmas traditions you can build with your son now. It may sound a little girlie, but I've seen boys go to town building gingerbread houses. It's building, after all. You can buy kits with the gingerbread walls and roofs all ready to go.

Another one, that will be good for about 5 more years, is visiting Santa Claus. Or go to a carol. Or even celebrating Christmas on one of the other twelve days with your side of the family. If you set up it now, and repeat it over the years, it will develop a sense of security in your son. This is important during the holidays. At least, it was for my siblings and me, and we were in our late teens, early twenties when our parents split up.

OH, just one other note. My kids are older now, but I remember over stimulating them when they were young. Small doses. Lots of breaks and down time.

I did not want the divorce.

Our relationship and communication is way better than average. Other than the bf, ea, pa, we are more like best friends. We have agreed to co-parenting.

The letter to the family in the final draft is by no way negative (WG - glad to send you a copy to review).

With the divorce so new, I had to set some ground rules. For the last two days she has been asking me to pay to get her nails done. Prior to knowing about the bf, I had already promised to pay for her birth control. Moving forward from the letter, additional money just stops. I explained that is the bf job. $35 for birth control is a small price.

On the gifts to Houston, I trust that she would get them there. Really, I am trying to make it easier. I decided this morning I am going to call exbrother in-law and ship the presents and tell her that I have arranged this.

Gifts from my son, you are thinking along the same lines as me. Son is 3, so I will take him shopping and let him pick them. Last year he wanted to get her socks. Off to Target and we had the best time picking them out. Last year he also got her a state quarter album (she collects quarters), and framed picture with Santa. I know after my parents divorced that my Dad’s mother took me shopping for my mom and still today my mom comments how nice that was of her. They have had a very strained relationship, to say the least, over the years.

The gift for the ex from me, I’m going with a card (expressing my feelings – moderated), Starbucks gift card and bag of Starbucks coffee. She is missing out if we were together I’d be getting her an iphone, Victoria Secrets, and a new jacket.

I have started some Christmas traditions and will add more. My son helped me put up lights the day after Thanksgiving. My mom and step dad came over helped decorate our tree. I was planning on going to the Christmas tree farm, but it was raining that weekend. The picture Christmas card is something I plan on doing. Without him in my life I would not have bothered. I am a bah-hum-bug.

Oh, my goodness! She asked you to pay for her nails?

I see that you are divorced. Does that include the child support and settlement? If that is all completed, you should pay for NOTHING for her. She is acting like a spoiled princess and she's taking advantage of you.

The ground rules generally go something like this: "We are divorced. I have no influence or input into your life, nor have you any in mine. You are no longer my responsibility, so don't ask me to fund your lifestyle."

Obviously, if the mother of your child is in dire need, you'll help out. Birth control and manicures don't count as dire need.

I know you don't feel like this now, but seriously, you deserve much better, and there are women out there who are much better.

Yes, she asked twice.

That is why we have ground rules. Ex is a school teacher and bf makes less than her. This means he makes 1/2 of me. She is in for a shock. She is canceling her gym membership, tanning salon membership, taking off her nails, stopped buying make-up at the Department Store, and cut her clothes spending. If you can imagine it as an extra, she spends it. Her birth control and two other prescriptions run her $85 per month. I have paying for all of them and she has to have them.

Give her a couple months she will pale white, no nails, gained a little weight, and milking the bf for money. Plus the bf youngest child is a junior in high school. Wait till he gets to spend time with a highly active 3 year old.

Your right if she needs milk. I will buy the milk and give it to her. No cash changing hands. If she can not be financially responsible and care for our son, I will gladly accept the responsibility.

If you want to fine. Or post it here. If you click on my screen name it'll bring up some info including an email address (though I'll remove that after a while), and you can send it to me there.

During our separation I once sent my WS's mom flowers when she was in the hospital. It caused a bit of a stir. All I wrote was wishes for speedy recovery, but my in-laws had been given such a negative portrayal of me, everyone was wondering what my agenda was. Ha!

Well, I'm sure your situation is different.

- WG

What a day. I have been taking my son to church on the weekends I have him.

Two weeks ago the sermon was on marriage.

Now today the sermon was on forgiveness. Luckily I read the notes before it started and only had to leave during praise once. I kept it together during the sermon. I have been a basket case all day. They gave us little boxes to write a name inside of a person we needed to forgive. I wrote my ex’s. Tomorrow I am calling the pastor for help. God’s little way of irony. If I didn’t know God loved me; I would think he hated me.

So sitting in my Christmas tree is a forgiveness box. Tomorrow I am going to give the box to my ex when I drop my son off. Not sure that is what I am supposed to do with it. But, I will get another box next Sunday to replace this one in the tree. It makes me feel better thinking about doing it. So, I will.

The letter to the family is going in the mail tomorrow. After two tries; I finally have the picture Christmas card done. The pictures last night did not turn out. My Dad and step-mom met me a couple hours ago and took new pictures. Made me realize the little things my ex has always taken care of. It is hard adjusting to being alone.

My boy is awesome. Glad he is here again tonight. Tomorrow is going to be lonely at home alone.

FYI – Dropped son off this morning for ex to take him to school; like usual. I really thought we covered this last week. Start my day off with her asking, again, (maybe 3rd times the charm) to pay to get her nails done. No, it is true. This stuff is too good to be making it up.

Then she informs me she has overdrawn our joint checking. With our divorce final she has until next Friday to close the account. Let it be overdrawn, I live on a cash budget and bill pay everything online. I have no credit cards, no debit card, or personal checks to use in my everyday life. I have an old fashioned ATM card for emergency cash.

Positive she will start telling everyone I am a 'dead beat dad', but I do not care.

Have a great week.

How can she close an account that has your name on it? If there is a negative balance, you will both be responsible for the debt and overdraft fees.

On a joint account it only takes one person to close the account. She got the account in the divorce. I have limited to no liability, but for the little amount it would be (few hundred); could sue her in small claims court to get a judgement. My point being the negative balance; does not affect the way I operate everyday. I would rather pay 1/2 the overdraft fees than give her a dollar for her poor spending habits.

She is trying to have her cake, cookies, and ice cream. Parents supporting her (mom/stepdad send her cash), Boyfriend (milk him at some point), and Ex-husband (who has bailed her out). Ex-husband - NOT anymore. I will send my child support to the state for processing and that is all she is getting from me.

J, your ex is really out of touch with reality. I know you don't feel like it right now, but this divorce may be the best thing that has ever happened to you.

I know God is not pro-adultery, or pro-divorce. But, God is also gung-ho on needless, pointless suffering. Had you remained married to such a selfish, spoiled person, your life would indeed have been a valley of tears.

When life gets tough and I get to suffer from doing stupid stuff, I try to reframe it as a "growth opportunity." I figure God tosses growth opportunities my way to make me a better, stronger, deeper person. Can I just tell you how much I HATE growth opportunities? It's a hundred times worse than my annual OB/GYN appointment.

Anyway, that's how I get through this stuff.

I'd also like to point out that sermons need to be taken with a grain of salt. When I was struggling in my marraige, I had a pastor who always preached about how we need to be more understanding and more forgiving. HUH. What I needed to hear to save my marriage was about tough love. Jesus was not about enabling. Jesus was not about being a doormat. The understanding and forgiving have to be balanced by being good stewards of ourselves, avoiding enabling, and understanding that Christian love and forgiveness do not mean you have to continue to let bad people treat you badly.