I have been married for 12 years with two sons 11 and 14. My w is going through a "midlife crises" and does not know what she wants to do with her life and does not know if she wants to stay married.

Just a little background my wife also has chronic depression that she is taking meds for and has also been going to counseling for the past two months every other week. She wanted to find out what she was missing in her life and what she wanted to do herself before she could work on us.

She has found out through counseling that one of the dissatisfactions with our her life is she felt she had no control. When she originally met me she already was with our first son (from another relationship and never married) and was looking for someone who would make decisions and take care of her and her son. She has now realized (after 15 years being together) that she does not need that any longer and wants to be able to make decision on her own and not have me be “controlling” in what we do or what she does. Before she met me she was the type of person who would let you know what she thought and was outspoken and now she has realized that she has no control over he life.

We have had many long discussions on this issue, and I have even been happy that she has come to this realization. I have been doing most of the work around the house and with the kids, balancing the check book, making sure the bills have been paid, determining (but asking for her opinion) on vacations, going out together and all around aspects of our lives. She is now doing the laundry, looking at paying the bills and balancing the check book, trying understand our financial status, having the kids come to her for questions…
So it is not like we have not tried. There are still times when I fall back into my old routine and this bothers her.

Because she is feeling this way she was pretty depressed last week. She came into my office (she works for the same Company and on the same floor as I do so we see each other every day) early last week (I could tell she was upset) and told me that it is not getting better between us. She loves me but not like husband and wife, more like brother and sister type love. She feels that there is no connection between us. That somewhat floored me. We have been trying to spend as much time together as we can. She talks about vacations coming up this summer and about future plans of things we need to do, she cuddles with me and we still have long passionate kisses and even couple of weeks a go we spent a long weekend in Philly without the kids and we both talked about how good of a time we had. (This is something her counselor said would be a good thing), but she does not why she feels this way.

I am so confused and getting mixed signals. Because of this I not know how I should act around her. On the one hand I am still deeply in love with her. I want to complement her and tell her that I love her and think she is beautiful, I want us to have a sexual relationship with her, I want to show her how much I care. But on the other hand her comments about feeling love like a brother that bothers me. Should I not keep complementing her and have a sexual relationship, because of the way she feels? But if I do will I get hurt in the long run or if I don’t would this make things worse.

Her counselor has suggested we go back to marriage counseling, but she does not know if it will be worth it since it is her that is having the problem and not me. She did decide to setup an appointment, but I can tell she is skeptical. Because she is skeptical she already has it in her mind that this is not going to help.

I am confused and at a loss what I can do. I know this was long, but I needed to be sure all the facts were there

In the years I have posted and read here, when a spouse tells you they aren'[t sure what they want, there is another person in the shadows.

I've never seen it happen that a spouse comes out with the "Not sure what I want" line without having someone else who they want somewhere.

Although you work in the same company, you can't know everything she does, everyone she had contact with.

I thought my H would never have an affair. I was arrogant about it. Turns out I was wrong. He glued himself onto a married woman, whose husband thinks their relationship is the best thing since sliced bread. They are on the cell phone nonstop.

If you want to find out what is going on, you need to snoop. Be very clever about it. I used to go into my H's wallet, where he wrote everything down on a little paper. I pulled the paper out, unfolded it, replaced it into the wallet exactly as it was. I learned a lot that way.

Pulled out his cell phone, checked the call history, returned it to where he had left it.

Went through his pockets, briefcase, again carefully, replacing things. Found invitations to parties and events that he never told me about. The OW ws at these events; they are the same profession.

But your wife would never cheat, right?

Oh, and YOU do not cheat. You do not make things worse. Get it? Read up on Plan A. Do not muddy the waters or recovery will be all the harder.

Thanks Bellevue,

Just to let you know that I found out back in March that she was in contact with an X-boy friend in aother state. Just email and phone. We went to marriage counseling back over the summer and as far I a can tell with snooping, she has not been in contact with him. She feels that she that she does not have the emotional connection she had with this guy and she does not think we ever will. I am trying to meet her EN but it does not seem to be working.

He's in her mind. She fantasizes about him, nothing in real life is as good as her fantasies. So she's in an Emotional Affair.

Don't think that because you haven't found proof of contact ther has been none. Waywards are really devious and she could set up a secret email account that you don't know about. If they put a fraction of the energy into their marriages that they put into these fantasies, what strong marriages they could have.

If the boyfriend is an ex, why did they not get married? Something must have been wrong.

That was 15 years ago. She was dating him in high school. She went to college he did not. He did not know what he wanted. She got mad at him and broke up. She met someone at college (short relationship) and got pregnant with our oldest. After that they did not speak. She felt that because of his immaturity and the volitility of their relationship that she could not marry him. But emotionally he knows her and she knows him.

SouthC,

I am a very similar situation wife is hung on on her First Love of 16 years ago and has never really let go emotionally. W often brought him up when times were tough.

I wish I had some answers for you but all I can tell you is there are many great people on here that offer some great advice. Listen to them and if I can do anything for you just ask.

Thanks Fasttrack for your advice. I have received some good advice on another post.

I read some of your thread on your issues. Some are similar, but the one thing I am sure of there has not been a PA only EA.

I have pretty much tried to follow Plan A, but there have been times when I have said things not to be controlling, that just brought me back to square one. Most were unintentional consciously, but subconsciously now that I look back it was probably my intension. That is what brought on this latest go around.

She keeps a journal and that is how I found out about the EA. I made a promise after I read it that I would not read it again (and I have kept that promise). I asked her if she wrote both happy thoughts as well as unhappy thoughts in her journal. I was feeling that she only wrote in her journal when I did something wrong. She got really upset and said I was trying to control what she writes and try to make her feel guilty. She said if you want to read my journal you know where it is. I was so upset with myself that I could not stop from crying. This all happened over Thanksgiving weekend. There is nothing I could do. It was already said.