Just deleted everything I wrote, by accident, so will try again. AAUUGGGHH!!
I have posted before, but would like some help as I haven't really seen this covered.
What do you do when your husband is having an affair and he is living out of town? How do you make him see reality when he is living in fantasy land?
Husband went out of town to work in construction following Katrina, it was to be temporary, so we did not go with him. There are numerous reasons why, child (14) the schools there, Mother lives with us. Nowhere to really be there as we couldn't afford to sell our house plus like I said it was to be temporary. He is living in a camper town with a group of men, his boss hired his old secretary from here to come down there and work. She has been married 3 times already, currently divorced because the last husband cheated on her. Anyway, my husband has known her for 8 years and the rest is history. Both lonely, he said he was flattered. First told me he just didn't want to be married anymore, then that he was in love with someone else, but they had not acted on it, then they were not seeing each other just when needed for work. I went down several times to stay with him and he said he was working on us, reading books, going to marriage counseling, but then find out he lied to them too, so he wasn't really willing to ever end it and had not. She moved home 400 miles away(I say to force his hand, he of course thinks she walks on water). Needless to say he picked her over us, not just me. We have 3 boys 3 grands and have been married for 33 years. He just wants her, that is all he can say.
Our children are devistated, this was there dad who they idolized, he says he never felt it. No one and I mean no one can believe he is acting this way, He had the highest morals of anyone we knew and we are all shocked. He hasn't seen or talked to his grandchildren in 6 months and hasn't seen his kids but a couple times. My oldest says he will never speak to him again and our youngest is so hurt because his Dad used to e his best friend. Hiking camping, rock climbing biking. Now a 57 second ( his words) phone call on the 20th of Nov. and nothing since. How do you implement any kind of plan with that all against you. Mind you i love the person I used to know, this new one is a stranger to us all and mean and hurtful. We want the old one back but what do you do when you are so far away?? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Sma57. So sorry you are here under these circumstances but you've certainly come to the right place.

Do you know OW's name? Can you expose the A to her family? Have you exposed to WH's workplace? His boss? (And btw, if he tells you everyone knows, don't believe it.) Start thinking of all the people that you can expose the A to that will have the most impact. And DON'T tell WH what you're going to do. Do it all at once.

The sooner you expose, the better. Have you read up on Dr. Harley's Plans? Plan A? Plan B? Read everything on this site and start learning.

Who controls the finances? Is he using marital assets to finance his A? You may need to see an attorney to protect your assets (especially since you have such a long-term marriage!)

Hello all,
Just trying to find some advice out here, and not doing to well navigating this sight. Have posted a few times and now would really like some help.

If you can read my previous posts you will know that husband has been living out of town for almost 2 years(working), started an affair about a year ago but it did not become pulic until sept. then our kids found out and they were none too happy to say the least. They told him they would never accept her in his life and they have made it clear to him they are not going to change their minds. Last Monday he called the kids and told them he had given his notice and would be coming home. He then called me and told me he couldn't work on it if he wasn't here, he wants his children. They are older and we haev 3 grands but one 14 year old boy. He got home on Friday and we talked just a little, kind of walking on egg shells as the book surviving an affair says not to talk about the other person because it takes points away. So trying to let him get over his mourning period, He really did not want to leave her, not really sure waht to do next. He is out today job hunting, I start a new job Thurs. so life is changing fast just do not want to make any mistakes. Oldest son still will not talk to his father and he did not come for Christmas. My husband knows they may never be able to trust him again, just curious how you get them to work on the issues that caused out separation so it is not just me doing the work. He needs to learn how to communicate what he is feeling so that we know when he isn't happy with something instead of jsut pretending that all is okay. How long do I wait to bring up what we need to work on? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Did he write a letter to the OW, stating that he wants no furhter contact with her? This is called a 'no contact' letter. It will give you some assurance that he really has told the OW that it is over. He writes the letter, but you send it. There are some tips and examples of the no contact letter on this site.

Ideally, this woudl have happened before he came home for Christmas.

sma57 - Exposure is a wonderful thing for ending an affair. It "forces" reality into the fantasy.





If the "them" is your children, the answer is you can't.

If the "them" is your husband, then there are lots of things that he can do, beginning with understanding, accepting, and admitting that there was NO "good excuse" for what he chose to do....betray you, your family, AND Himself.

Rebuilding trust IS possible, but it's not easy and it will take a long time for him to EARN the right to be trusted again.





You don't wait. NOW is the time for discussions, even the "painful ones" to be begun. Leave the "weapons" in the drawer and make it clear that HE chose to end the marriage when he chose to engage in an affair and HE has to choose NOW if he is going to "do what it takes, no matter what he is feeling" to recover your marriage and family. IF he is unwilling to commit to trying to the best of his ability, then you will "accept" is choice to end the marriage and will proceed to a divorce. It takes TWO to have a marriage, and if he is NOT willing to "do his part," then he can live with taking the "cowards way out" and you will move on without him.

I know, that's "tough talk," but this is NOT the time for pussyfooting around. He is back. Either he agrees to your "recovery terms," or there is no point in his remaining at home and "pretending" he is married when, in his mind, he is not. The kids will see through such lies in a heartbeat. If he truly wants to save that which has been lost through his selfishness, now is the time for humbleness and "doing what it takes." In other words, now is the time for him to just "be a man," take his medicine, and work on recovering from this massive self-inflicted trauma.

God bless.