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Here's my opinion....on and on and on of course on why I believe 'moving out' is NOT a good idea....in the cases where the reason is to 'find oneself..."

what's YOURS?


1. finding oneself is pop psyche baloney....if I told my husband that I needed to find myself...he would react like Archie Bunker did when Edith told him she was going through "the change of life" ...Archie threw up his arm looked at his watch...and told she 'had five minutes to change...."!!
classic...

my spouses boundary would be I got five minutes to 'find myself...'...then we had better get back to the focus on working on making this marriage work...together....

cause that's what marriage is ...big picture...

2. without a definite moving out plan...it is very very very dangerous....

though a "mutual decision is claimed by both parties..." if this marriage gets to lawyers and divorce...know the weapon will become he/she abandoned the marriage...home...and family...lawyers love that stuff..usual advice from lawyers...DON:T LEAVE THE HOME

without a plan with a committed counselor it is very dangerous in my opinion because it's hard to go back...

the person moving out....gets to play pretend part time single person...

when a marriage is full of deceiptful actions....how is it logical to believe the person who needs to find themselves...will be truthful about any of that ...

what about the financial obligations...
what if there is a lease involved...it's like why an ultimatum with a time line doesn't work...
it's like saying you are going to use this time to 'work' on things...when you use this time to be free and play...

why do any work at first at all..you got 3-6-12 months to deal with that...

what about what it says to children...

what does it say to children...

how do you expect egocentric beings based on age to be forced to process this as NOT their fault...issue...or some type of role in the spouse that leaves them..

to a child...they are being left PERIOD....and they don't and can't give a rats behind about any reason that pertains to adult issues...they aren't able to ...in their not quite jelled brains...

no matter how much we adults love to pretend that kids are so much more mature and able to handle this...

they aren't....
and we force them to ACT grownup...when they are only children....

moving out when people already show poor communication skills....exactly builds good communication skills ...how...

distrust will expand...

hyper villigance and vouyerism will grow

tons of energy on what they spouse who left is up to...

if your gonna move you need a mapped out week to week plan of specific goals and hurdles to be hurdled....

moving out statistically...one huge step closer to divorce...

whats your opinion on moving out..

ARK

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I kicked my husband out after he promised to work on things, yet continued his A, and then I found out. BIG MISTAKE! Emotions ruled me a lot during that time (plus I didn't have MB to get thwacked by, at the time).

As for your views, Ark, they all WERE TRUE during our time apart; first and foremost (for me) was the devastating effects it had on our son. I sure hope they are not lasting, now, with his dad home.

Also, what you posted is fine; the problem I have with it? The WS aren't here to read it, and if they are, they are probably spending time trying to defuse it by stating that divorce is not all that bad, blahbetty blah blah.

When in a state of waywardness, the finances, children, or world outside of themselves seems of little consequence, so your caution could keep a BS from kicking a WS 'to the curb' but it will not get through to a WS.


Me-BS-38
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what about the BS in their own who get convinced that it's a good idea...

sounds good
sounds logical
etc...

ark

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whats your opinion on moving out..

For the WS:
No matter where you go, there you are.

For the BS:
Keep you friends close and your enemies closer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

For both (and that stubborn, sullen, shriveled ole African Violet on my window sill)....

BLOOM WHERE YOU'RE PlANTED. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

In all seriousness, I used to think couples needed a break from each other sometimes to put things into perspective, but since coming to this site it usually seems to work out much better when nobody moved out.

And speaking of finding oneself, as I see on another thread you were talking on Ark, my ex fiance once said he thought he needed space to find himself and my 9 yo (at the time) thought that was the funniest thing she ever heard. She kept walking around laughing about it like this "Why mom, is he lost?" hehe "He lost himself, mom?" hehe. too funny.

At any rate, some BS's gett sucked into believing what ever the WS wants them to believe.

Last edited by JosieJones; 12/04/07 02:36 PM.
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Well this is a hard one ark. I did not find MB until after my FWH was back at home but I made him leave.

I di not know about plan A or Plan B but on D-Day I told him that I loved him and that we could make this work. For two weeks I tried everything to make him see that we could have a better marriage thatn before.

After the two weeks he came home and told me he wanted to be with the OW. I made him leave that very instant. I even called the police on him. I was NOT going to let him cake eat.

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what about the BS in their own who get convinced that it's a good idea...


For me, I was ANGRY when I found out about the continued cheating, and allowed that to be my decision maker. Again, big mistake. I also let my WH convince me, by his lack of emotional involvement in our tattered M, that he didn't want to be there anymore. Sooooo, I told him to leave.

It's not good or logical. It's a pile of horse pucky. If I had found MB during that first A, I could have been saved from myself, and had a plan. Alas, I did not, and it has made this travaille that much more difficult.

So, as JJ said, I got 'sucked' into believing what my WH said. At the time, it was tough to combat that. Now, I know better. A lesson very hard learned by me.

Oh, and I had friends saying "Kick him to the curb!" They had no idea what they were talking about.

Weaver, I cannot get African violets to bloom, either. I KILL them. Hope my FWH can BLOOM where he's planted.


Me-BS-38
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Also, also, when the anger struck, even *I* wasn't really considering my son. I was thinking only of my pain.


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I absolutely would have done the same thing in the old days. I was so reactionary.

It takes a lot of introspection and practice to learn to NOT be reactionary.

One of the biggest benifits of Plan A in my opinion, besides restoring a sense of self restpect to the BS.

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What about a FWW who is committed but whose BH refuses to do anything to help this marriage along? I feel like I"m in the opposite position of SL- I wish my BS would work on the marriage like she is working on it!

I am to the point that after reading Bramble Roses' post to Lil Sis that I need to just face reality- and the only reality I have is really seeing what my BH is doing to me and actually saying to me. I've put a good spin on it- he'll change, he'll see that I'm so sorry, he'll stop the sexual abuse (why should he when I let it happen??). He has not done any of it and I am to the point where I am exhausted and miserable. And I just found out I'm preggers, my job is not stable and thank GOODNESS I have wonderful parents that will help me through this emotionally and financially.

So I am seriously thinking of moving out, and I know it will lead to divorce. I'm to the point that it would be better for me and my children than what I am living with now.

HTH

PS, Bramble Rose, if you're reading, I tried to post a new post to you to get your opinion on reality in my case, but for whatever reason I can't post new posts, only reply to people. It says "the form you submitted is no longer valid" and it doesnt help to log out and back in again or to do it quickly via cut and paste. If you have any ideas for me on how to face reality when it is really really hard to do, will you start a post for me (How to Heal)?

Sorry for the T/J


I'm the FWW EA 2/06-3/06 NC 3/06 BH still not sure
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And I just buy new African violets...


I'm the FWW EA 2/06-3/06 NC 3/06 BH still not sure
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I've put a good spin on it- he'll change, he'll see that I'm so sorry, he'll stop the sexual abuse (why should he when I let it happen??). He has not done any of it and I am to the point where I am exhausted and miserable. And I just found out I'm preggers,


howtoheal,

I hope someone can help you with your technical problem on starting a new thread, because I think you really need one. Might be a good time to determine if boundaries might be a solution, before moving out.

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I emailed the tech people here at MB, maybe they can help.

I know boundaries are the solution, I'm just very afraid of them...being so used to being trampled all over and that is why BR's post on reality really hit me....


I'm the FWW EA 2/06-3/06 NC 3/06 BH still not sure
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whats your opinion on moving out..

My opinion is....

A BS should NEVER move out of the marital home. When a BS moves out, the WS can claim [color:"red"] ABANDONMENT [/color] in any type of legal proceeding, should it lead to that.

Since the WS is already in [color:"red"]ABANDONMENT [/color] mode, they should be the ones that leave. AND, never, ever , ever do they get to take the children with them. Children should stay in their homes, with the parent that stays in the home. That would be the BS.

committed

Edit: hmmmm...maybe I didn't read the question thoroughly, other answers are not along the same line as mine. I thought it must have something to do with the WS telling the BS to leave the house so that they (the WS) can find themselves.

Last edited by committedandlovi; 12/04/07 04:08 PM.
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I agree Ark. Good thread!


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
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whats your opinion on moving out..

My opinion is....

A BS should NEVER move out of the marital home. When a BS moves out, the WS can claim [color:"red"] ABANDONMENT [/color] in any type of legal proceeding, should it lead to that.

Since the WS is already in [color:"red"]ABANDONMENT [/color] mode, they should be the ones that leave. AND, never, ever , ever do they get to take the children with them. Children should stay in their homes, with the parent that stays in the home. That would be the BS.

committed

Edit: hmmmm...maybe I didn't read the question thoroughly, other answers are not along the same line as mine. I thought it must have something to do with the WS telling the BS to leave the house so that they (the WS) can find themselves.

Can you provide some insight on what legal steps can be taken to keep the child in the home without a divorce proceeding or legal separation? My WS is thinking about moving out and wants to arrange an agreeable schedule to keep our daughter at both places. She is thinking maybe every other night. This just seems like it would be too unstable for our daughter to be in a different place every night.

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I was thinking more about the ws or bs that thinks they should move out

to find themselves

cause they need space

to work on themselves...

howtoheal...
if you are being abused you should leave asap....

lets agree that even in plan a it smacks of vulnerability to the potential of verbal abuse...which is exactly why it must have an end date.....

but sexual abuse...no no no no no...
get to a shelter
get resources, a plan and support...

there are many BS that spend their time punishing a Fws...that is not their place and WS/FWS deserves to be abused/punished...ever ever ever

maninneed...visitation every other night is horrible for a child

don't let her move out without you having legal counsel first...

ark

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She is thinking maybe every other night. This just seems like it would be too unstable for our daughter to be in a different place every night.


It is incredibly unstable and unfair for your child. It is cruel.

I agreed to an every other week for my daughter and even that proved to be too much for her. And we had never lived together (her father and I), but he sued me for joint custody when she was about 9, and let me tell you, her grades dropped, she gained weight, she became emotionally sad (quiet).

We then switched to every other month, then every four months...

And it wasn't until last year when her dad moved away and she got to stay with me all year again, that she started blossoming, again.

I let her go with him this year because of better schools, my new marriage, etc...and she is THRIVING.

One home with visitaion of the other is the best for children. I don't care what every one else says, I watched my beautiful daughter shrivel up with every other week changing homes...every other night...ABSURD.

Get a lawyer and determine temporary custody is to be in your home with visitation with your WW. IF she is WW makes sure the document has something in it about OM's, strangers, etc.

I'm so sorry you are faced with this. So sorry.

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I adore the lawyer in Italy who in a divorce case awarded the home to the children

parents had to get an apartment then took turns by the week staying either with children or in the apartment...

ark

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Can you provide some insight on what legal steps can be taken to keep the child in the home without a divorce proceeding or legal separation? My WS is thinking about moving out and wants to arrange an agreeable schedule to keep our daughter at both places. She is thinking maybe every other night. This just seems like it would be too unstable for our daughter to be in a different place every night.

The operative word here is "legal".

If you want something legally binding as far as the children are concerned, you are going to have to seek legal counsel and get some type of legally binding papers that define children issues specifically.

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I adore the lawyer in Italy who in a divorce case awarded the home to the children

parents had to get an apartment then took turns by the week staying either with children or in the apartment...

ark

No doubt! that would be ideal!

I have to add to ManinNeed, I say we never lived together but my DD adored her dad and was very, very close to him.

One day in her home hopping ordeal, this very sweet, agreeable girl finally blurted out, "I don't care which one of you I live with, I just want to live in one house!"

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