Well just confronted OM/OMW, both looked in shockl and disbelief. I requested NC and he agreed. OMW sat in silence did not say anything.

I am releved that I confronted, but now am sitting at home waiting for the W onslaught (not going to be pretty) and right now I am feeling like I have made some seriouse allegations that are unfounded and I feel like an [censored].

And...why aren't you attending church with your wife?

Please listen to these guys who are giving you excellent advice.

You need to understand that dealing with affairs is counter intuitive.

Trix,

What exactly is that supposed to mean? What if I really screwed up here?

Your allegations are not unfounded and I wish you would not have exposed in front of OM. That was against the good advice of all others here....and with good reason.

You need to buck up and prepare to withstand the onslaught of anger and venom your wife will unleash on you. Please be the sane one when you are talking to her...let everything she says roll off of you like water off a duck's back.

Your wife and OM have been having an affair...I believe there is no doubt about it....no matter how much they deny and try to make you out to be crazy.

Believe your DS5! You got your proof. You are not crazy or making false allegations. You've been seriously gaslighted.

Did he acknowledge that he was having an A with your WW?

Did you relate your DS' story to them? Did he try to deny any part of the story? Did he offer any sort of explanation?



You're feelings are quite understandable. Your WW is likely going to be CRAZY MAD, now that you've busted the A-bubble, if they contacted her before she returns.

If not, I suggest that you let her know as soon as she returns. Let her know what her DS had to say. Let her know that you've spoken to OM and OMW about it. And if she asks about what they had to say when you spoke to them, reply that you would prefer to hear what she had to say first, and she could either use this opportunity to start being honest with you now, or to continue lying, and you'd prefer she do the former.

I suspect that fireworks are now going off in OM/OMW's house. Good job.

Thanks MIM,

FIrst of all he denied everything even the time that she spent over there for 1 1/2 hours. He tried to say that shje wasnt there that long and I told him that was what W has said.

He tried refuting the DS story as Kid talk but I stated that I questioned him in many differnt ways on two separate days and his story was the same. He would not lie or concock a story.

WW is going to be extremely upset about me questioning DS. She has stated many times that I was not satisfied with any answer that she gave and would keep digging until I found something.

I communicated OM/OMW that I had to come and bring this up when my son told what he had told.

Others on this site had recommended that OM/OMW be confronted together. I just had to do it today and I caught OM/OMW totally off guard.

By counter intuitive...I meant that many of us make the mistake of thinking we can react to our spouses A's off the cuff...how we are feeling at any given moment...take actions we rationally think will work to end the A and recover our marriages. It doesn't usually work that way. We only delay the process.

That is why we have all told you to read the material here, and listen to those who have all ready made the mistakes and learned what they did wrong and what actually worked to bring about recovery.

MB has a plan for recovery. Do what may seem counter intuitive and you may save your marriage and have a better marriage than you had before any of this ever happened.

The state of your marriage now is a direct result of your wife's affair....not to say there weren't some things that needed fixing before she made the choice to have an A.

Read about Plan A and plan B. Get and read Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs.

Sym, It's done, the way it was done can't be changed now. I think that really took guts.

Who knows why OMW didn't say anything. Shock, denial, little lights going off in her head, "my husband would never cheat on me" or "I thought he smelled funny when I came home that night".

Now you have a chance to repair your marriage.

Your wife will turn this all around on you, I think the others warned you. Tell you "I can never trust you again!" [funny, hah?] and "now it's over. I want you out." [uh, Sym, you don't move out of your home or out of your bed. If she wants out, she can go.]

Any which way, the pink cloud of deception has been blown away. Now, protect your son from her and the other couple. Don't allow him to be cross examined and confused. He was God's own messenger.

I think you did well. Perhaps the OM isn't as good a gas-lighter as your W (I might be biased, but I think that women do a *much* better job at guile than guys do), and fairly shortly the OMW is going to know the truth, even if OM is not willing to 'fess up now. That she didn't try to *defend* her H is a very good sign. That the OM agreed to NC is also a very good sign that he knows he's been busted, and he knows that his W also knows. He's now trying to do as much damage control as possible.



Of *course* she is going to be upset! You've busted her bubble, the one she fought so hard to protect. Expect fireworks, particularly when she finds out. Expect her to make all sorts of threats. Expect her to threaten to leave, or even to ask you to leave (which you certainly should NOT, btw). Get ready to weather the coming storm...

Really feel like ******!! Will OMW call me if he confesseses?

Have not confronted W yet, waiting for when the kids arent around.

I am very unsure as to whether Idid the right thing or not.

That's quite normal, considering the circumstances. On D-Day, I felt like someone had ripped all of my insides out.



I wouldn't count on it. It's likely though that the OM may have called your WW to warn her of what's happening.



It could be then that the OM hasn't managed to contact her. Or contact has happened, but she's pretending that it hasn't, and she's waiting to see what you're going to do.

You may want to contact OMW first, and let her know that you are about to confront your WW. If OM has admitted anything to her, you can start your conversation with your WW along the lines of "I visited the OM and OMW today to discuss my concerns, and the OM has admitted to having an A with you..." Do NOT let her badger you into feeling guilty about how you managed to bust her A. An accomplished gaslighter is going to try by any means possible to shift blame from themselves to you.



Completely understandable.

I'm praying for you. I know what D-Day feels like.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sympatico,

You did a great job with the information you had on a day you had the confidence.

What's wrong with honest communication about your suspicions?


Exactly.

So the worse she makes you feel, the better the job you did in breaking up the A.

Take it from a 24-year victim of an expert Gaslighter.

S-
WW will take the position that you are in the wrong for exposing to the OMs wife. She may even say that she was trying to decide what to do and was going to work on her marriage with you but now there is just no way since you turned out to be such a so-and-so. Let it roll off. Don't yell at her. Don't argue with her. Tell her you are sorry she is in such pain. Do not, however, apologize for exposing. She will demand that you leave. Do not leave your home. Do not leave your bed. Let her do the leaving. Keep your child with you. When she wants to discuss divorce or separation, refer her to your attorney. You need to get one of those if you don't have one yet. Get a mean one. She will too.
Tell her you do marriage, your attorney does separation/divorce. One more thing, don't yell at her or say anything that could be construed as threat. Certainly don't restrain her from leaving or physically threaten her in any way. Those things will get you kicked out of your house quickly by a judge who will always err on the side of the woman's physical safety. All she has to do is say she feels threatened and you are gone.
Best of luck.

Good job! Stop feeling bad about doing what you had to do. It isn't your fault your wife is cheating on you, stop taking the blame for it, stop apologizing for it.

Realize THIS: EVERYTHING YOU HAVE SUSPECTED IS TRUE! You aren't crazy, you aren't wrong, you aren't a psycho jealous husband. Your gut told you something wasn't right, you dug into it not wanting to believe it, but you WERE right.

So get your ****** together, try to call OMW one more time before confronting your W. In all likelyhood she will blow up as others have said. Hold your ground, if she wants to leave, let her. Remain calm and under NO circumstances leave your home or allow her to take your child.

I could not have in any way, shape or form made more of a complete [censored] out of myself than I did yesterday.

Based on the advice of the "Experts" on this site, I almost destroyed an innocent couples marriage for nothing!

When I confronted my wife last PM her initial response was not hatred, threats, or violence but instead a hurt and immediate concern that OM/OMW marriage was being busted up for nothing!! She cried for hours, did not threaten divorce, did not threaten to leave.

There was nothing there.

While this site may be beneficial to those who are really in need, it is definatley not for me.

I obviousley need some issues addressed to find out how and why I ended up at "Womens infidelity" website and subsequently here. And how I have painted a very NASTY picture of my wife and almost desroyed and innocent couples marriage.

I will do this through professional counseling

What explanation did your WW give you for your DS' story?

IMO the "hurt and concern" she expressed might easily be empathy over what the OM might be going through, now that the A has been disclosed. Her "crying for hours" is something I'd expect someone to do over someone they were deeply in love with.

Have you spoken to the OMW since you talked to them yesterday?

BTW - do you realise that the blame for whatever is happening to that couple has apparently been shifted to you, even though it was triggered by your WW's inappropriate behaviour?

Please re-read what we had to say about gaslighters in this thread.

One way or another, you do have issues that need to be dealt with.

However, the biggest one imo would be discovering who in your family is the liar: your 5 year old son, your wife, or you?

You haven't been give bad or inappropriate advice here. You see, the decision to act on what your own gut has been telling you or not, has always been yours and no one elses.

You came here because you were afraid that your wife was having an affair. Your son, at five, would have no reason to concoct a story about his mother kissing a man who was not his father, and you know that, even now.

The truth right now is not that you have in any way ruined the marriage of an "innocent" couple. Why do you think that the OM so readily agreed to NC or that why his wife didn't defend him?

It was probably because he knew that he was caught and she all of a sudden recognized all of the red flags she had been failing to acknowledge. If there is no validity to the affair, then their marriage will thrive in the end. Perhaps his wife will ask him to take a polygraph.


You can choose to believe that your wife is completely innocent and that your DS is a liar, and at 5 he knows what a lie is.

You can appologize to your wife and to the OM and OMW, tell them that your son is a liar and that you were wrong. You and your wife can continue to remain friends with OM and OMW, although OMW is unlikely to want that.

In the end, you know that you are not wrong. And, the affair will continue, under deeper cover, until it destroys your family, until your wife decides she would prefer OM be the father to your DS.

SO I guess, that if it were me, and I was still uncertain, well I would ask my wife to take the polygraph. If she really has nothing to hide, she should be more than willing to put your mind as rest. If she passes it, well then you have lots of egg on your face.

Ignoring this isn't going to make it go away.

Who

You really could use professional help. Call the Harley's for phone counseling today....they would be your best bet. Many counselors are not experienced enough to be successful with cases involving infidelity.