Have been married for 9 yrs., very rocky marriage.we both have had difficult childhoods, i was spoiled and always saw my mom shouting to my dad, his dad was a nasty dad and used to drink and wasnt nice to his wife. we have 2 kids aged 8 and 6. Last wknd saw his emails, he has been chatting girls in anotherfriend.com, he has meet about 5 of them as far as i know for lunch or coffee, he says he only has met one and only once. |I had her address so i confronted her but she said she didnt know him but for what she said sounded like if she did, i wrote back to her telling her my husband said he met her once and were chatting on the net, they exchanged pictures of each other children...What this girl said to me was that if i was suspicios i should try to tell my husband that i love him and to show it. This is something my husband would tell me he needs. he has lied about going onto these sites before. he was on them 2 yrs ago but promised me he never chatted or met anyone, but i found out now he did although i dont really know how many people he has met or what. Always lying...iam so tired. \i am trying to be nice to him and not to blame him and to have a good face when he comes home. he always says that our marriage is kind of over that we have tried for too many yrs and never been happy. i brought him to councelling but went only for 5 or 6 session, he feels there is no hope because he cant make me happy, i need a man who is estable, strong, he suffers from depresion or something like that. i also suffer from anxiety and my bad marriage hasnt helped at all.we have both been abusive towards each other and lost respect, after seen all those emails i felt guiltey and thought how lonely he must have felt, he said i always have a bad face when i come home, i would always have a reason like that he is greedy and doesnt give enough money to family account eventhough he makes good money, or that he doesnt pick up phone when i ring or that he doesnt want to get babysitter so we can go out, i think i make a big deal out of things and then i get in bad mood and eventhough i like talking and saying how i feel he still things i am spoiled and that he always does his best. i have email all these girls, and except one who doesnt want to say anything except that i shouldnt be suspicious but just to show him my love(my hus. said he only met her once), the other girls say they only met once or only chatted on the net. but all these emails i found were from september. i know he has been on these sites before. i recognise i still have feeling for him and would love to separate if had no kids together, it is just too difficult, my life has been a rollercoaster since i met him. i still think i love him though, was i born to suffer just because i love him eventhough i think he is bad for me?. i dont know how to approuch this crisis, cant take it anymore. any comments welcome. thanks

Cheating online single choice

Cheating online (0%, 0 Votes)

Emotional affair (0%, 0 Votes)

No Votes Yet Voting on this poll ends: 03/04/07 04:53 PM

What do you want to happen? Do you want to be happily married to your husband? Are you willing to change to try to make that happen? Does he want the same thing? Is he willing to change? It probably won't seem fair but it has to start with you.

Have you familiarized yourself with the basic concepts of the Marriage Builders program? I would suggest you start reading about LoveBusters and Emotional Needs. Would your husband be willing to read about Emotional Needs and take the Emotional Needs survey with you?

The internet "friendships" and meetings with other woman have to stop. These are emotional affairs at least, if not more and the impact they have on a marriage is no different than a full blown physical affair.

Welcome to MB, you will find lots of help here. Start reading!

Thanks for ur time Tyk. i dont know what i want since ive been trying so hard for so long im exhausted. he could have and addiction problem wich is another story, he joined this chat sites in September this yr (and another times too, but i discover the Sept. one) and i recalled it as a great month in our relationship. why?, he says is an addiction. will he be talking to his girlfriends and telling them their problem with me finding out and so on..?, i bought all those books, his needs her needs, i love u but im not in love with u,...always looking at this site for answers, i really am exhausted. i read some parts of the first book to him and we tried to change things but i just never happened. he is working in Spain at the moment, i live in Ireland, i am Spanish, he is Irish, and we want to move to spain, that's why he got a job in Spain to try and get us over there, he says i'll be happier there being in my own country and once there (we're hoping to move in july) will see how things go but he thinks in the long run things wont work out as they never have. he says i'll never forgive him for what he has done. i dont even know the extent of all this lie. we are both hoping very little from our marriage, but i still cant imagine my life without him, eventhouth he is a person who really irritates me and cant stant most of the times

I am by no means making excuses for your husbands activities. But, I've been there, I have never met anyone IRL (In real life). I just surfed the web for women, as a game or perverse extreme version of people watching.

I honestly did not see the damage being done to my W. To me it was harmless, knowing I would never met these women. I did not view it as cheating.

I wasn't until her A, and desire to D me it became evident how much I had hurt my W.

Is it possible your H would view your pain from this much like I did?

"Oh well, she'll get over it" I'm doing nothing wrong...

If so, it's time to set some boundries you are willing keep... You need to send a message that will not be view as an idle threat.

-JKT

Sorry but could u clarify what this A and D means. Did ur wife tell u how much that hurt her?, what do u mean when u say i need to send a message that will not be view as an idle threat?, thanks for ur opinion, it helps to hear a man who has been there

I just recently discovered what I consider to be an emotional affair that my husband was having with a woman who he met while running in a half marathon. He met her the middle of October and I found out about it Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend. According to cell phone records there were like 28 calls out of 38 days back and forth between the two. He also would meet her at the gym and also on running trails to run together. I was completely devestated and shattered when I found out about her because infidelity has always been a huge issue for me and my husband knew absolutely without a doubt how I viewed it. He kept saying over and over that there was never any romantic or sexual component to the relationship but I just don't understand that. This woman went overnight from being a total stranger to someone he was calling more days than not out of the week even evenings and weekends. She even called him the Friday after Thanksgiving to go running up in the mountains. He completely lied to my face and said that it was his boss and that he had planned on going running with him, but had too much to do so he canceled. Anyway, we went through a very traumatic and emotionally draining week following that Saturday. We went and saw our marriage counselor. In the end I came to the realization that I was largely responsible for his actions because I really didn't show much interest in him, his hobbies, his interests. That just opened the door for him to find somebody who did show an interest. I can honestly say that the past several days have been some of the best in our marriage and we're going on 24 years. This whole incident really shook me up from top to bottom. It made me look at myself and made me ask myself what it was I wanted. If I wanted my marriage, I had to make some drastic changes. I needed to show my husband that I loved him and enjoyed spending time with him. Usually when he would ask me to do things with him I would just automatically say no. Weeks would go by at a time and we would never touch each other. Not even so much as a hug or a kiss. I understand now that I was giving him the message that I was bored and uninterested. It's made all the difference in the world for us now that I am showing an interest in him. I'm still somewhat bothered by this other woman. But our therapist said I'll just have to make a leap of faith and believe my husband when he says he has no involvement with her and wants to stay married to me. Sometimes that's all you can do is just try and wipe the slate clean and start over fresh. I hope this helps you.

Thanks M50. At least he is saying now he is very sorry, it has taken him 5 days since i discovered, before he was only saying that were only friendships so i was getting the idea that he wasnt sorry at all and could do it again without feeling bad about it.

Hi Mel50

You said


This does not appear to be good advice, Mel, based on my knowledge of Marriage-builders and other proven affair-recovery programs.

It is your husbands responsibility to behave transparently enough that you have no reason to doubt him, your "choking it" or trusting him too soon is looking for trouble in my experience. He must be in VERIFIABLE no contact with this woman for life.

I think it may be be worth you posting this story on " general questions 2" in your own thread, Mel, so that folks may be able to help you unpack your situation and get on the right path to recovery.

At least people with experience of MCs can comment on the advice you received from yours.



All blessings

Hi Bob_Pure, i posted in Arancha's Thread. Would u be able to offer me some advise as u seem to be a veteran here. i would really appreciate it