My ex-wh requested the divorce and I felt it was worth it to save our marriage so I laid out the conditions in plan A. A month later-I hired a PI and found out he was still seeing her and I gave him a choice of quitting his job and moving or staying with her. He chose the OW telling me that he had hurt her enough. Quite frankly that statement sickened me so much that it dawned on me that I did not want to stay married to him and I filed for divorce. I followed that with the realization that he verbally abused me and the children for 22 years and we deserved better than that=priceless. Fast foward 2 years...........I'm remarried-very happily and my children are as well adjusted as they can be considering the circumstances ( Girls 16 and 13 who both figured out dad was having an affair long before it hit the fan) Even though he claims he's thrilled we are no longer married, he will not leave me alone.

Every time there is a disagreement about the children, which I have final say over as their custodial parent, he drags up our marriage and tried to use it as why he should win the arguement. His compliants are things like- you have to have things your way, you never let me have the last word, you over exaggerate..........blah blah blah and then followed by "just like when we were married" He's made several threatening phone calls, sent foul language filled emails and text messages, and I've filled out 3 police reports for his harassments.
Things got really nasty around the time of my remarriage and he was harassing me almost daily via email. I saved everything but my lawyer says it's all just harassment not anything illegal.

It's fairly obvious to me that he's not dealt with whatever issues he has regarding our divorce and as far as I'm concerned that is his issue and his problem -not mine-except that he is constantly finding something to bug me about. It usually has to do with the girls and I just ignore him as much as I can. I do not respond to his emails, I keep all phone calls to a complete minimum and I try to not even deal with him if at all possible.

I just can't figure out a way to get him to quit dragging up the marital history and arguing about that-there is no point to it whatsoever.

Just because he is the father does not mean you have to do business with him. Change your e-mail and phone number. Have him pick up the kids for visitation somewhere other than your home and make sure you are not there when he arrives. Tell him if he wants to talk to the kids he can buy them a cell phone.

I had a similar problem with my XH a few years after the divorce. He would call and call and email and email about all kinds of stuff.

Depending on what your divorce decree says, I would suggest that if possilbe set days and times to discuss issues about your children. Make it clear that you will only talk about your children, nothing else. Let him know that if an emergency arrises with your children, you will inform him immediately. Block him from emailing you or change email addresses. Change cell numbers if you have too. When he starts in about the marriage stuff, don't argue, simply tell him we are not discussing that and if you have too, tell him you will be more than happy to talk to him when he wants to discuss the children and say good-bye.(Keep a diary of when he calls and gets off track.) I guess what I am trying to say is set firm boundries with him.

It took a bit for my XH to realize I wasn't going to be sucked back in and he gave up and we now have a fairly amicable relationship. It worked for me, so it might work for you.

Tell him you are installing a recorder on your phone and will be recording all phone calls from now on. Tell him you are saving and printing all email messages and downloading and printing all text messages. Tell him that you have set in motion a hearing with a judge (in whatever type of court fits this need), and that you will be presenting it, if you get any more lip from him. If your lawyer can't be bothered, find out how to do it on your own.

Most likely, just the threat is enough to make him back off. Abusers are notoriously cowardly. Almost always run away when you show strength and threaten to hurt their way of life.

sounds like ure ex realized that the grass wasn't greener with his bimbo girlfriend

i'm not the kind of guy who likes threats... i'd prefer to respond by not responding... simply saying i'm not going to argue with you. we can discuss the children when there is a need to do so otherwise i don't want to fight and then hang up the phone

your ex isn't the one i'd be worried about. you have a new husband who is probably at least a little annoyed that your ex is behaving this way... reassure him that he has your full attention and that your ex is harassing you

i'd also have a talk with your two girls... don't talk bad about their father but remind them that the divorce was his idea and that you are doing the best that you can to move on

This is probably a stupid idea - but I'm thinking it might be good to create a separate folder in your e-mail just for him. Whenever he sends something, read it, but then file it there.

My other thought was to create a separate yahoo account just for his correspondence - to keep his contact with you out of your personal life - it would be just a psychological benefit, but well whatever.

Either way, let your current husband know what you're doing and how to access anything.

You have 5 more years. Don't answer the phone immediately. Let the machine filter it like a secretary would. This way you have time to regroup and have some control over WHEN you talk to him and what you'll say.

Treat your association with him like a business contact. Politely, with civility, but with your business' (kids') best interests at heart at all times.

I go the opposite way. I do as much as possible in email. It gives me time to think, plus creates a document trail. Emailing also helps me avoid getting sucked into the arguments over what happened in our marriage or what is wrong with me.

I wonder what would happen if you just said "That's interesting. [PAUSE] I've decided to do X,Y,and Z with the girls."

I also like the idea of a repeating phone conference to discuss issues. It would be nice if you simply could stop contact with him, but I'm not sure that's practical, and from what I've read and experienced, it's harder on the children when their parents won't speak at all.

Thanks for all the advice-it's good stuff and sadly I've done most of it. I took the text messages to the police and they copied them all off my phone and put it into the report and I did change my email.........and when I did he apparently signed me up for porn spam. My dear darling new husband went in and notified them all to stop sending stuff and that I had someone sign me up without my knowledge. My new hubby does have all my passwords and actually checks my email daily so I don't have to deal with the crap he sends. I don't think he feels threatened in the least about my ex but he is constantly amazed at the lowness my ex sinks to regarding the children.

Has anyone dealt with the ex bad mouthing you to the kids? I'm oh so very tongue biting cautious to never badmouth their father and so is my new hubby but I get constant reports of what he says about me. The latest detail the kids revealed was when the kids told him they didn't like hearing bad stuff about me...........he told them that I could never sue him for it because he was just telling the truth. I know the girls will eventually come out of this age and realize what a huge jerk he has acted like. I hold onto that and try to have patience. The 13 year old hates to go with him for visitation but threatens that if he moves to our state she will go live with him (that's if she's mad with me at the time). Then she crawls in my lap and rocks herself in the fetal position when she comes back from a weekend with him and the OW.

I feel like this is a never ending battle of good and evil.....they go off with the exWH and the OW and do who knows what-they aren't allowed to answer my phone calls. I know it's in our agreement that he has to let them call and I'm allowed to call but he doesn't permit them.......and the girls are terrified of what he will do if he knows they told me. Ugh


We exchanged threat letters with our attorneys-he started it by shoving my door open and refusing to let me close it and I told him I would call the police........and we ended it with my atty. telling his that he needed anger management classes and laying out all the police reports I have filed about his texts and threats. After that the girls were terrified to tell me anything that happened while they were with him-he apparently used some sort of threat and now 6 months later they are slowly leaking details of what he's done and said.

Sorry I've just ranted on and on here but it helps to get my thoughts out and see if anyone has any ideas other than court.

I'm laughing as I'm reading the responses, because the grass is always greener on the other side.
For an emotional abuser, just say STOP. Yes, we know it shouldn't be that simple, but it does work.
My amusement comes from the fact that I wish X would communicate with me. I can't get answers to basic questions, either verbally or by email. He refuses to use email, so I fax letters to him to get confirmation that he's received information. He won't even respond to basic stuff like "when do you want the kids for Christmas?".
So, it could be worse.
My X won't respond to whether he can take his daughter to her first recital (date changed and I have a business trip).
So, this child is traumatized that a babysitter will take her to her first recital. (Oh yes, he won't care for his own kids either -- he'd rather pay a sitter to watch them).

This dad won't take his girls to the father daughter dances.
So, count your blessings in some ways. At least you get answers.
This isn't meant to detract from your frustrations, but I'd feel that any communication would be good.