I have been reading all of these infidelity posts with much fascination for the past couple of weeks.

I was married very young, age 20, and was pregnant. My ex-husband had a daughter from a previous marriage, my step-daughter. I raised her as my own.

There were problems in our marriage from the beginning and we probably should not have gotten married. But here are the painful facts:

I had an affair with a co-worker after only about 2.5 years of marriage. As I am reading all of these stories, I see myself in so many of them. My husband and I were not supporting each other and didn't know how. We also did not know how we were letting each other down. When we would try to discuss it, neither of us knew how to make ourselves understood. It was really sad, because we did love each other, but we just didn't know how to support each other. In the midst of us just getting to really know each other in our marriage, I met this co-worker and began this rediculous affair.

It went on for maybe 6 months to a year (honestly can't remember now) and then I broke it off because the guy was a total moron. For a brief time, I felt I may be falling in love with him but then came to my senses on my own. I wanted my marriage and my husband, so I turned away from OM.

OM took it hard and made my life at work ******. Oh well, I figured I deserved it. I felt terribly guilty and was a "good girl" for a long time. Finally the guilt got to me and I confessed the affair to my ex-h. He had a feeling it had happened and although he was horrified, he "forgave" me and we tried to move on.

The problem was, we didn't really deal with the issues that had led to the affair. We didn't get counseling, we didn't talk to anyone. Oh how I wish I had know about MB back then, but we didn't. We were young and thought love would be enough to carry us through.

My husband really never dealt well when I would try to talk about the ways my EN's were not being met. Basically, his main EN was always SF, and I tried very hard to get him to understand what I needed in order to meet his need for SF. Basically, I needed admiration, lots of foreplay, and excitement. I wanted this from him, very much. I tried all kinds of things to spice things up for us.

To put it bluntly, he was not a very gifted lover and he felt that all he needed to contribute to our sex life was an erection. Beyond that, he had no idea how to please me. I tried to show him, talk to him, etc.

Finally we mutually became convinced that *I* must have a problem with low-libido, and also I had some childhood abuse issues...so I started going to a sex counselor. She was great and she did help me with my issues. But I was too ashamed to tell her directly - that he wasn't a good lover and wasn't turning me on. So basically, that never got addressed.

Meanwhile, all kinds of other marital problems were cropping up, as they tend to do when both partners' EN's are not being met. He was not a good financial provider and I found myself being the main breadwinner, along with doing most of the parenting, dealing with his ex-wife in parenting issues, taking care of all household issues and repairs, etc. And as I was feeling overwhelmed and not appreciated, I of course was love busting him too. It was very sad. We had no idea how to fix it.

Both of us knew and realized that we would at least feel closer if we could figure out the SF part of things, but no matter how I tried, I simply couldn't find any passion for him. I do know now that his lack of skills as a lover was a HUGE problem for me (don't want to totally be mean and go into details, but just suffice it to say that really no woman would have been turned on by him without some training...I don't know why he didn't get any training from previous lovers...it was always a mystery to me...I tried very hard to train him myself and for some reason, he never caught on).

So all during this, I eventually started having other EA's and PA's. Regardless of all the guilt I had been through previously, I still needed that feeling of being desired and having desire. I truly wanted it to be with my husband but it wasn't forth coming. Finally, I just basically said "oh well" and sought it elsewhere.

I still felt guilty, but this time I definitely did not fall in love with any of these people. There were approximately 6 EA people and 3 PA people, not including the first guy.

This went on for several years. Finally, at some point, I just woke up. I realized that these A's couldn't possibly be healthy and that I needed to go figure out why this was happening. I didn't know anything about MB still at that time and therefore, I basically blamed myself. Although I did have thoughts in my head about the things my husband was doing or not doing that were making me unhappy, but I didn't place the blame on him for my A's.

When I woke up, I realized I had to leave him. There was not much else that could happen. But I did really want to work on our marriage, go to counseling, and begin dating him again. I wanted him to pursue me. I wanted to work on our sex life, start from scratch. I never told him about the other A's.

Unfortunately, it was too late. Although my ex-h did claim he wanted to pursue me, work on the marriage, etc, the moment I moved out (into my mother's house) he gave up. We never went to counseling. We went on literally 2 dates, and that was the end. It was 15 years at that point. My son was 14, my step-daughter 19. We were all devastated, but as others can attest, life does go on....

While still separated, I started dating others. After separated for 6 months, I met the man of my dreams. It was difficult because I knew I didn't want a rebound, and I definitely didn't want to be committed again so soon. I wanted freedom and I was having fun dating and feeling that rush of excitement. But...as fate would have it, this man truly IS the man of my dreams and I held off as long as I could but finally, I had to face my destiny and be with him.

Now it was hard for him to date me since I was married. LOL! What an understatement. But after I met him and gave him my heart, I knew there was no going back to my husband anyway, and my husband wasn't trying for me to either. He had simply stopped having feelings for me without ever trying to figure things out with me, so I had to release him. I got divorced after being with my new man for about one year (divorces take a long time even if you both want it).

That was 4 years ago and we are engaged now. My life is sooooo different. I now realize and understand all the pitfalls of marriage, and best of all, I now realize that you MUST work on a marriage or it will fail! I was too young and naive to understand this before, and my ex-h didn't understand it either.

Why do we think that love will be enough to sustain us through a troubled relationship? It simply is not enough.

So anyway, now I do all kinds of research into having a good marriage and keeping it. What do we each need to do and work on? What are the REASONS people have affairs and how can I make sure that never happens to us? And most importantly, figuring out that it is actually fun and fulfilling to put effort into your relationship was such an amazing insight! Before, it seemed like sad, long, hard work in my previous marriage, to even try to fix things or talk. Now I see it as a wonderful never-ending growing and learning process, and our relationship gets better every day.

We are getting married next Sept or Oct. We got engaged in May of this year.

For a while, I was worried about my own infidelity and whether it would occur again. But after reading so much data, including MB and others, I now understand how it happened and how to make sure it won't come up.

I will be happy to write more a bit later as this one is so long...but the main point I wanted to make here is this:

If after my first A my husband had done a plan A and we had found out about MB, I think we might still be married. We did have big problems but they were not insurmountable. Unfortunately, way too much water passed under the bridge, no efforts were made on either of our parts to fix things, so things ended in divorce.

But...if my H had immediately implemented a plan A and had been very diligent in expecting transparency from me, I not only would have done it, but I also would have felt very loved.

You see, speaking for myself at least, part of the reason I went wayward was because I didn't feel he truly paid attention to me. I am not excusing my affair, but I am just saying that the key element I was missing was in feeling that my life and what I was doing was important to him and that I was important to him, and that my actions did affect him. I never felt that way.

In my current relationship, thankfully, my man is very possessive, and so I feel cherished all the time. He is not weird about it or jealous or accusing. Its just little things like if my phone rings at night, whether I answer it or not, he will ask who it was. This shows me he is paying attention to me and I will not just slip off and make any weird phone calls without him knowing it. Not that I would...but hopefully this is making sense.

I haven't fully disclosed my A's to my current man, and I have debated over that. I have told him some things. He also has a "past", (the kind you put in parenthesis - LOL!) so he has told me some things as well. But we do both know that trust alone is not enough, love alone is not enough, and we both strive to be the best partner we can.

Oh and...he is very skilled in the bedroom.

For all you BS's who are in a plan A, don't give up! It will worked and it would have worked on me.

Swing Dancer

You have no idea how offensive your post is here I guess-the flippant way in which you come to a forum full of people DEVASTATED by ADULTERY and you post what you do with "LOLs" scattered generously throughout...WOW, how sick and cruel...OMG...Just so you know, the man that you intend on marrying, you know, your ADULTERY PARTNER??? Yeah, that guy...It is STILL adultery today...it will still be adultery tomorrow and the next day...And you are going to be entering into an AFFAIRAGE and every single time you sleep with him you will AGAIN be committing adultery...Your union will NOT be blessed-EVER...It is destined to fail...Count on it...

As far as telling your ADULTERY PARTNER the truth about your past, yeah, I doubt that will happen and he really shouldn't expect it to...He met you as a liar and a cheater...He should expect more of the same from you...And you should certainly expect it from him...What he will do with you, he will do to you and vice versa...

Mrs. W

This is CREEPY. You are lying to your new lover just like you lied to your husband. Does it never end? I feel very sorry you had children.

I think what you should have done is divorced right away when you found out your man was a bad lover. Then you could have boinked and boinked man after man after man. You could have given your baby to your EX to raise. That way the baby could have been given nurturing, love, and care.

I hope you never have any more kids and do not destroy any more lives. Your post is HEINOUS. Your life is HEINOUS. Good luck MS. HEINOUSNESS>

LMAO.. Maybe he has a good hunch that he is not the only guy you had an affair with, hence his "possessiveness" that you cherish so much. Sounds like you guys deserve each other, have fun!

AGG

Yikes! Have you gotten tested for STD's?

BTW you are a serial adulterer and it has nothing to do with your husband's lack of sexual skills - if it wasn't that excuse you would have come up with some other justification.

You know, a Wayward Spouse really has no right to expect their Betrayed Spouse to Plan A them, the way you seem to feel. Your ex-husband did not owe you a Plan A after your infidelity.

The fact that he agreed to let you stay in the marriage at all, after the devastation you inflicted upon him, was nothing to take lightly, sneer at or giggle at - it was an extremely generous gift to someone who was manifestly undeserving of it.

Too bad you can't realize that.

I hope you really DO understand how IT happened. IT happened because you made a choice to CHEAT. You were unhappy in your marriage (unmet needs) and you decided to CHEAT as a solution.

There was another choice you know. One that wouldn't have been so very destructive to your victim betrayed husband. Its called a divorce.

Why in the world do people think cheating is a solution to an unhappy marriage, I'll never know. Cheating only makes an unhappy marriage into one with the severest of problems. Nice solution.

"Lets put some more nails in the coffin (marriage) and while I'm at it, I'll damage another human being beyond all recognition". Again, nice solution.

Jo

Reading your post it does show me the mind of a WW. I guess this is why I never want to get married to a woman again.

I do think your post does give good food for thought. You feel that even after all your cheating your husband should have done a Plan "A". I guess it also explains why Plan "A" for men should last 6 months. I on the other hand will not do a Plan "A" for 6 minutes on a woman that cheats on me. I really don't want a woman to have to stay with me if she rather sleep with someone else. I just wish people would end the marriage first before sleeping with others.

I really don't wish you any ill will but if your current fiance will date a married woman I am guessing he will date single women when he is married to you. And judging from your track record you or him will cheat again.

Next time maybe your heart gets broken. I am going to stop there but you really have no clue about being a good wife. But I hope you can have happiness without cheating in your current relationship.

So very true. She's a serial cheater and doesn't even see it.

She thinks the problems were all related to HER unmet needs as opposed to her very destructive and hurtful choices.

Three guesses what she will do next time her needs are unmet. That is, if her partner-of-the-moment doesn't do it to her first. Karma and all.

Lord almighty.

Jo

Nice way to get close and intimate in a marriage. Big serious lies of omission are always nurturing to a marriage and foster closeness. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You owe the truth to your ex-husband so he can go get tested for life threatening STDs. To continue to withhold the truth is criminal by placing his health in jeopardy. He deserves the truth.

Jo

'
Well now, I sure hope you are getting paid for your services. Like my momma always said, DON'T PUT OUT FOR FREE!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

SD,

This is MARRIAGE BUILDERS, not "Congrats On Your Divorce by Way of Serial Cheating" Builders.

Honestly, its as though you want us to congratulate you on your discovery of the importance of EN, but ignore the horrific destruction you left in your wake.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ADULTERY, NONE.

Jo

Thats nice. I hope you find this board equally as fascinating when you're here desperately reading as a "BS" after being cheated on by your future ex-WH.

Wait. Look. Is that the karma bus coming 'round the corner?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

trolling trolling trolling

But unfortunately Jo when the Karma bus does hit her, she'll find some supporters even here.

SD-
I think I can say this on behalf of all of us here at MB, OUCH! WTF???? It is almost as if you were "mocking" all of our situations! You obviously do not even have a CLUE what hurt is. Or Love for that matter. Step outside the box and give yourself to the Lord. Not to another man or sexual partner. Why is it that people like you seem to be fine with the way your life is and don't have any REAL problems. And the good people like us (the majority here on MB) have had to deal with HORRIBLE things to get us here. The only problems you seem to have are the ones you bring on yourself. I feel sooooo bad for your little ones. I would give my life to have our little girl back and all you do is continue to S##T on yours. MAKES ME SICK!!!

Yeap, unfortunately there is that. Folks that will help her in her possible future affairage, and then turn around and also help a BS who are representative victim of that very <illicit> union.

Wow. OK well, obviously my post didn't come across as I intended it to.

I am/was a total idiot, you guys. In case I didn't make that clear. I was AN IDIOT. I did everything wrong.

I wanted my ex-h to execute a plan A because now I realize how stupid and fog headed I had been the whole time.

No I do not expect anyone to feel sorry for me nor do I mock anyone's pain. It was all me and my issues and my stupdity...I don't blame my husband, I was just saying we had issues like everyone else does.

I really only wanted to show some people inside the mind of a WW. I am not that person any more but obviously, many of you don't believe that and I guess based on my post, I can't blame you.

I am different now. I don't want the same life again and I am doing every thing in my power to make sure it never happens again...part of doing what is in my power was to come here and come clean and introduce myself...but I am obviously too representative of the enemy.

I am sorry, you guys. Please don't mis-read my post. I know you all now think I am a huge skeez - and that's fine. But I am truly repentant and my life is different.

I am very sory to all of you!!! I thought that hearing where someone is coming from who isn't involved in your situation might help others who can stop their spouses from acting like I did, and help wayward spouses too as they also need help and understanding.

I apologize, I don't expect anymore responses and gosh darn, thanks for the smack on the head.

SD

SD,

You had big issues with your H's lack of "skill" and yet you did not tell your sex therapist about this issue. You claim that this current man is very "skilled" as if that will make your marriage better. Perhaps it will in your mind, but what happens as he ages and cannot perform to your satisfaction? What happens if illness overtakes him and he cannot meet your needs as you wish?

You had the affairs because you wanted. You had some opportunities to make your marriage better but you did not. But, what is most troubling to me is that you don't seem to see that while very important SF is only part of the picture and the rest of the picture YOU painted yourself.

If you read here much you should read about Harley's four rules for a marriage and the policies of "radical honesty" and joint agreement.

I think your post whether intended or not did affect a lot of people and it was precisely because you did not "intend" for it to hurt people that in fact it did. You don't see in your own post what the folks here do see. If there is anything you need to consider it would be developing a slightly different perspective.

God Bless,

JL

I made every mistake there was to make. I do see how I went wrong but I just didn't get it all said correctly in my first post. I failed miserably in my marriage...I should have done more...was an idiot, etc. Please, believe that I know this now. Reading all of these posts was like seeing inside that bubble of fog I used to live in and I could finally see people who had compassion for their WS's...I have been living in guilt for all of this, not that anyone thinks guilt alone is a high enough price to pay...I am sorry to you all that I didn't pay more!

I am just new to MB and have been reading posts and beginning to print off the EN's questionaire' and etc. I have not read about radical honesty yet but I had assumed what it meant by its title. I will definitely go and read up on it.

To be clear, I will definitely disclose to my current partner about my previous A's!!! Based on all of your responses, that is the only right thing to do and I will.

I know my head is fog free now but I don't expect anyone to believe me. However, I figure that many of you who are BS's do want to believe we WS's can recover, right? I am trying to show you into the mind of someone who is recovered. My marriage did not survive my fog. I take the blame. But I do not and will not repeat that misery for myself or my partner. I know it was wrong.

One of my favorite recent threads was the one about flirting. I am now avidly against flirting when in a relationship - because I know it really does move into more and more. I live my life like a person who is in love and committed now, and not someone who is wayward or whatever my problem was. And this is my own choice, you guys. I made it myself.

I wish I could re-do my mistakes, as I am sure all WS's also wish.

Obviously no one is going to, ahem, cut me a break, (and I'm not playing for a break here), but again, please forgive me and please do remember...

THAT WAYWARDS CAN CHANGE. Don't give up on them.

I feel like a different person and the alien has left the planet again finally.

Good luck to you all and again, I am sorry.

SD

SD,

To follow up on JL's comments, I would like to ask you as a former WS and now one who is engaged, supposedly in a good R. What have YOU done to make this current R better than your last M?

Yes, your post was very difficult to read. The pain experienced by many who are dealing with the A virus is real and to hear how casual your story sounded (though I know it wasn't), it painful. So what t/d, do you continue to share or shut up? Hm...... well please read on.

You are correct when you stated that some WS' can recover. Here's more on that topic. When a WS does recover he/she is no longer a WS, not even an Xws but one who has recovered their rightful status as a W, mother, friend, sister, daughter, etc. WS' are none of those, their selfishness does not allow for any type of genuine humane acts.

The one who s/b worried is your fiance and children. What guarantee have you provided that you will not repeat those prior incidents?

Look forward to your input. After that I have a few suggestions.

L.