I have been monitoring this sites post off and on for about a month. I have responded to some post and have placed a few post of my own. First of all I want to thank all who have responded in the past. I understand that some of the questions we “newbie’s” have probably have already been asked, but it is nice to know that you take to time to help. It is also helpful to know that there are others in the same situation that I am in (Not that it is a good thing).

As I stated in my previous two posts I have received some excellent feedback, but some of my questions were never answered so I have decided to try again.

Just to give some background. I have been married for 12 years (been with my WS for 15). Have two children S- 11 and S- 14. My wife is on medication for depression and currently it is under control. But is a battle for her everyday.

We have been having some issues for a couple of years now. When it started my WS complained I did not give her the attention that she needed. She got the book HNHN. We both read through it and it seems to help our relationship. We would get in to arguments over the next year off in on over this same issue. She kept giving me hints that if I do not give her the attention she needs that she will find it somewhere else. We were still having problems the beginning of this year. She decided to get another book, which we both read and did the activities for a little while. I thought we were making some strides. Back in February, my W was writing in a journal. I thought that strange, because since I have know her she never wrote in a journal. Curious as I was I decided to read. What I found out was she was in contact with an XBF and it was only emails and telephone. He is a Police Officer in another state (600 miles away) and she saw he shot and killed someone. She was concerned for him and decided to look him up. She also saw he was in a high-speed chase accident and wanted to make sure he was all right. I was shocked. I started reading her emails and it confirmed it. In her journal she wrote that she was having feelings for OP. They had an emotional connection that has always been there and she felt that she did not have with me. I confronted her about it at the end of February and told her that I read her Journal (which I am finding was a mistake to tell her). This brought the trust issue into play. Sufficite to say I asked her to stop all communication with him. She said she did not think she could. We decided to go to marriage counseling. We went from March to August of this year. During that time I asked her again if she was communicating with him and she said she was. I asked her to stop again and threaten to call his wife. At the end of our counseling it looked like we started to work things out. We got rid of the kids for two weeks, went on a long 4 day weekend. Though things were getting back to normal. I went back to get our kids and when I came back she wanted to talk with me. She said that she finally came under the realization that she needed to stop all communication with the OP. I was a little disappointed. I thought she stopped all communication with him. From Aug-Sept. She has been really depressed. She did not know what she wanted she kept on telling me she can get the OP out of her mind and she is having a hard time keeping her promise (which she said she did). I could not find any proof with all of the snooping I did. We finally about a month ago got her on another med that has help with her depression and she has been seeing a counselor for about two months now. She has found in her counseling session that she is going through midlife crises. She is trying to figure out what she wants to do that will make her happy. She has also figured out that she has been dependant on me for everything. I am the husband who takes care of the kids, does the laundry, pays the bills, and makes most of the decisions on vacation and extra curricular activies. She has just agreed. Anytime I asked she said ok or had no opinion. She has realized that I was controlling her. It was not my intention, but that is what happened. She is making a change where she has more control over her life. We have made some changes where she does the laundry and tries to work with the kids more, and I have been trying not to be controlling.

She was depressed the week after Thanksgiving. Since then I have been giving and giving to meet her EN without asking for anything in return. It seems where we are stuck is with communication now. She feels that I am not interested in the topics she is interested in and why talk about them. I wonder how does she know if she does not try. She just sat there and did not say a thing.

It is now December and she still does not know what she wants she say she loves me but more like a brother. I have been trying since the middle of November to follow plan A. The problem is I seem to keep making statements that I think are ok, but she feels I am being controlling and it is not helping our relationship according to her and she does not know if she wants this. I try to meet her EN, by showing her more affection, trying to be a better listener. I am trying to be more upbeat and do things for the kids and myself. But I still do not see any happiness in her eyes. She does not talk about her counseling session and I am afraid to ask. Her counselor gave her a name of another marriage counselor, but she did not tell me that until last week. She was not sure if it would help since the last one we went to did nothing for her. She finally earlier this week set an appointment, but it is not until the day after Christmas (HO, HO, HO).

The kicker is we work for the same company and rider to work together. There is not much conversation in the car either way. She also works in a different department, but her office is right across the hall from mine and I work closely with individuals in her department and sometimes with her.

Am I on the right track? Should I continue to do plan a even if there are bumps in the road? Any in site would be appreciated.

Yes, continue with Plan A. Also I would notify the cop's wife what has been going on. That will give her the truth of what is happening in her marriage, and also help to verify no contact.

And be sure to spend at least 15 hours a week doing fun things together, without the kids.

ARE you interested in what she says, or do you just grunt and nod off?

It sounds like your W is unhappy and depressed. While you should let her know (verbally and by meeting her ENs) that you want your marriage to be satisfying to her, spouse's can't meet all of each other's needs. So my question is, what else in her life, if anything, does she sincerely seem to enjoy? Does she have close friends, hobbies that have a social component, good relationships with family, etc...

- WG

That is probably a good point Believer.

I have been trying to spend more time with her. We are going to lunch today and I am trying to spend at least 20 min one on on time with each other at night.

I do listen to what she says, but she feels that we do not have common interest and because of that she feels she cannot talk to me about what interest her. She has been saying that all of our conversations are surface conversations and have no meaning.

Last night after she watched a TV show all we had some alone time. We had just decorated the christmas tree with my younger son and there was christmas music playing. I started talking with her about how the christmas music reminded me of when I was a kid. I told how I felt about the memories. I also talked about our first christmas in our first house and all of the happy memories that I had. I was smiling all the time. Opened myself up and was hopeing she would do the same. When I asked her what she remember she said nothing. I then tried to see how she felt about the music to get her to talk about how she feels about christmas and what type of memories it broght back. She talked a little, but then she decided to go to bed. I made sure I gave her a hug and then told her that I loved her as she was walking up the steps. She stopped and a few seconds later said it back to me.

I know it is going to be slow, but I hope I am on the right track.

She has been liveing with her depression all of her life. She has been on different meds over the passed 5 years to control it. It seems they work for a while and then they don't. Or if she misses taking in one day, She gets it takes a few days to build up in her system so she gets. It does not help either when it is that time of the month her depression gets worse and the meds sometimes do not help.

I am taking her depression into what I do. I there are two types of couples with problems out there. Ones with depression and ones without. I feel the ones where someone is depressed or has a history of depression have to take a somewhat alternate approach to Plan A or Plan B, because you have to work with the depression.

Well have been working on Plan A for about a week and a half now I thought things were going well until this morning. My WS was fine this morining and then all of a sudden she is depressed. She is upset and has her door to her office closed. I sent her a virtual flower and a virtual hug with a poem and told her if she needed the real thing I was available. But so far not response. I am afraid to go in and talk with her because I think she might get upset with me. I want to give her a hug and tell her I love her, but I think the reason for her being depressed is because I am doing what Plan A tells me what I need to do and I think it is making her feel bad because of how she has been feeling. What should I do?

Just a quick update. She is a little better this afternoon. She told me that I was trying to hard and began to explain why. I interupted her and just asked for a hug and gave her a kiss and walked about. I think this was the right thing to do under plan A not worry about what she thinks "i'm trying to hard". Do all of you agree?