Dear Friends,<P>The end of this month will mark the 6 month anniversary of the "confession" of my H's affair with Mia. 6 months after his confession, but the affair had been going on since last year. I am not convinced that it is over. Call if the female intuition thing if you'd like, but that's just how I feel. I am at an all time low. Can't go much lower or I'll become the cement on the sidewalk. Sometimes there is glimmer, (and I mean a very very faint glimmer, like a candle about to burn out) or a ray of hope that my H will turn this mess he created around, but most times he is here, just vacant, in body only. I am upset that I cannot "get past" this and move forward. I am upset that he shows no remorse or regret for his involvement with Mia. We are both moving in opposite directions. I don't know about the plan A stuff working because quite frankly I cannot be as nice as pie to a man who cheated on me and shows no signs of feeling bad about hurting me. And plan B (asking him to move out, no contact) well I want to do this just out of spite, but I'm afraid this is exactly what he wants. Me to make the first move. Guess this is what they mean by being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Any thoughts? Is it time for me to put myself first and move on?

Dear Tired Lady,<BR> I really worry about your state of mind right now.<BR> Last year, I was feeling pretty much like you do. My H was not doing much of anything to make me feel better in our marriage. He was still lying and denying, plus he was really, really hateful to m--no matter how nice I was to him. I was sure that he was in love with OW. In fact, I still believe that he had feelings for her.<P> Now, since he finally confessed to a "fling" 13 years ago, he is really trying very hard. He is no longer nasty to me; he treats me with respect. He is making love to me again and telling me that he's glad he's married to me and that he loves me.<P> Yes, you have every right to be angry and hurt. But, what do you really want? Do you want your husband to love you again--actually, he may still love you, only it's overshadowed right now by his infatuation with Mia. At any rate, if you are constantly showing him your anger and bitterness, it is only going to make him feel even more justified in his affair.<P> When problems arise in the marriage, the person who recognizes the problems is the one who must take steps to correct them. You've already admitted to your share of the problems; now, do something about them!! Accept the fact that some of these things may have depleted your account in your H's lovebank and start making some deposits.<P> I know it's hard to get our minds off what our spouses did to us...boy, do I know! But, if we want our end goal to be a better and more secure marriage, we <B>must</B> do whatever is necessary in order to achieve that. I think that if I were you, I would find something to do that would make myself feel good. Find something to do that will make you think, "Look at what I did today! Isn't that terrific?" Do something that you love to do, and that gives you even a small measure of happiness. Then, that happiness will carry over into other areas of your life, too. Your H will eventually notice.<P> Do something nice for your husband every day...yes, even if you have to grit your teeth to do it (only don't let him see you gritting your teeth!). It can be as simple a thing as putting the toothpaste on his toothbrush for him in the morning; just some little nice gesture will do. Don't expect anything in return, except the knowledge that you are doing your darnedest to save your marriage.<P> Come here to vent your anger. Say whatever you want to say to your husband <B>HERE</B>. Take control of your life! It looks to me as if you are letting your life slip away into a sad and bitter existence. Don't expect your H to make you happy. That is too much responsibility to lay upon anybody!<P>Now, your marriage may not be saved, but you won't know if it can be if you don't at least <B>try</B>!<P>So, it's really all up to you. You can make the effort to change what you can or you can sit back and let your husband slip away.<P>I don't believe my H has told me everything yet. But, I do think that he is on his way back to loving me the way I deserve. I think he has finally realized that <B>I</B> am the one woman who <B>really</B> loves him...the one woman who will go through hell and back <B>with</B> him...the woman who has put up with his s*** over the past 29 years and loves him anyway. And, yes, the way he finally realized it was by my walking out on him and disappearing for a couple of days. But, bear in mind that I had spent the previous 1-1/2 years doing Plan A, although I did commit a few lovebusters. He had seen that I was willing and trying to change my behavior for our marriage...that I was working my butt off to be a better wife.<P>And, now, we are <B>both</B> working on our marriage. I'm getting the affection that I crave. Yes, I do still obsess over the affair(s) that he hasn't admitted. Yes, I do wonder if he still has feelings for Cafe Woman. However, right now, I'm trying to keep my focus on making him feel "safe" enough in our relationship to tell me the whole truth. Just the other day, I was told by a friend that she had overheard my H telling her H that I was the "best thing that had ever happened to him." Now, it's possible that he was making sure she heard him say that, knowing that she would tell me. But, whatever the reason, it shows that he cares enough to want to make me feel secure in our marriage.<P> Last year, I wouldn't have bet two cents on the outcome of our marriage. Now, I'm thinking that we have a very good chance of not only saving our marriage, but having a stronger and happier marriage.<P> So, Tired Lady, I've gone on and on with this, but basically what I want to say to you is this (and, please understand that I don't mean to offend you with this bluntness.): Get off the pity pot! Stop being a victim! Do whatever the ell you have to do in order to have a better and happier future! If you want your H to love you, then you have to do something about it--give him reasons to love you!<P>Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Tired Lady,<P>Firstly, about Plan A, there is no reason why you cannot show that you are hurt or depressed in front of your husband. Plan A is all about treating your husband in a loving way and without love-busting. It's not about stuffing your own feelings. Nope. And I think it's even okay to be angry, as long as you don't threaten, yell, act disrespectful, etc.<P>And about Plan B -- Plan B is all about <B>you</B> and nothing about your husband. If you decide to enter into Plan B, you have to do it full well knowing that he might want it. You have to go into Plan B because you cannot stand the pain that he is inflicting on you any longer. Plan B is the self-preservation plan.<P>I'm not sure if you are ready for Plan B. It doesn't sound it to me... My guess is that your husband is still in big time withdrawal. Perhaps there are small contacts with Mia. Nothing that continues their relationshiop, but enough to make withdrawal worse (which it does, believe me).<P>Well, I guess I don't have alot of advice for you, but these are my impressions from your post...<P>--andy

Sweetpea:<P>I appreciate your candidness. You are correct in saying that I am a self pity mess. I am. It's frustrating to keep trying to figure out what to do, or say, or how to act without doing the wrong thing. I feel like I'm on eggshells. And you are 100% correct when you said that both of you are working on the marriage. See, that's just it. Only "one" of us is working on this marriage. And I'm sure you can guess which one. So, no wonder why I'm the "tired" lady.<P>Airheart: <P>Very difficult for me to treat my H in a loving way without any lovebusting when he is the betrayer! I've never understood this logic. He inflicted this emotional mess on the family, took away my self esteem, my trust, etc. and yet I'm the one who has to make the sacrafices to salvage the relationship. I still don't get it. <BR>And yes, I'm convinced he still sees Mia. After all they work for the same company. It's the level of involvment that I'm not sure of. If I knew it would make things more tolerable. But you know, right now, he could tell me the god's honest truth and I would believe a word he said.<P>

Tired Lady,<BR> Believe me when I say that I know the feeling of being a "self pity mess." Been there, done that, wish I didn't have the T-shirt. During the whole summer of 1998, I was crying almost constantly, not sleeping, losing weight, etc. This was before the initial confrontation, which was brought on by my H telling me that I looked like hell. Nothing I did seem to make any difference to him. Before I figured out that there was someone else, I had already started a Plan A without even knowing what it was. I just knew that I was not happy in our marriage and decided that the only way to change things was by examining myself and changing my own behavior. I can't tell you how many times I tried to give my H a hug or a kiss, only to be pushed away. Our sex life went to almost zero. My H did not want to have sex with me anymore (when he had always been ready and willing up until that spring), and when we did try to have sex, my H usually had problems with performance. Talk about frustration!!!<P> Yes, we are both working on our marriage <B>NOW</B>, but that hasn't always been the case, and H still isn't meeting my need for the whole truth. I'm still not totally convinced that he isn't trying to work on our marriage for financial reasons, but I figure that even if he is "pretending," I still have this chance to deposit love units. Our sex life has pretty much gotten back to normal--without the performance problems that he had last year.<P> I've been posting here for the past year, and for such a <B>long</B> time, it seemed as if we were <B>never</B> going to do any better. Even though we're doing so well now, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop (confirmation of other affairs). I have told my H that if I learn of any other affairs from someone else or if he ever has another one, our marriage will be over. However, I do know one thing and that is this:<BR> No matter what the outcome of our marriage, I will <B>know</B> that I did not just throw my marriage away--that I did everything within my power to save it.<P> I know it doesn't seem fair to be the only one working on the marriage, but it all boils down to whether you want the marriage or not. It boils down to whether you love your H enough to fight for him. When it comes to Mia, try to figure out what he found so attractive about her--what emotional needs she was meeting for him. Then, you try to meet those needs. Keep a lid on your temper, but when he hurts you, try to calmly tell him that you would appreciate it if he wouldn't do that (whatever he does to hurt you) anymore. Then, walk away before you lovebust. It will be hard, but muster every ounce of strength you can find. And, when your H does something nice for you, let him know that you appreciate it. Compliment your H. Give him funny cards. Do whatever you can to make him smile. Go get a makeover; and, if you can do this without running up more debt, buy a couple of becoming outfits. Do this not only for him, but to make yourself feel better.<P>You can do it, Tired Lady!! C'mon!!!

Tired Lady, I truly appreciate your difficulty in treating your husband in a loving way. Yes, he did make a huge mess of your marriage. Doing Plan A has got to be one of the hardest things! But look at it this way -- if you don't treat your husband with love and respect, then that will just drive him back in to Mia's arms (even if not in actuality, then at least metaphorically). Fair? Nope. Realistic? Yup. Withdrawal is just a sucky thing to deal with, on both sides of the coin. <P>If you truly find it impossible to do Plan A any longer, then you just might need to do Plan B. You have to answer these questions of yourself -- Am I able to live on my own without contact with my H? Am I willing to risk losing him forever? Is the pain so great that I can't take it any longer?<P>take care,<BR>--andy

TL,<BR>I don't remember ever asking if you were a Christian. If you are not please don't be offended. I want to give you a Christian perspective of what you are going through.<P>I am the betrayed as you are. However, I have gone through 8 affairs that I know of over a period of about 6 years. Before she had her first affair, I told her that I would leave her because I had biblical grounds to do so. However, God had a different plan for me to follow. He had me study His word to show me that if I truly loved Him that I would not have a hard heart which was the rest of the requirement that would allow me to divorce her.<P>Read my post today at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/008433.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/008433.html</A> , it should give you the rest of why I still love her and chose to love her unconditionally as Jesus loves us ALL uncondtionally.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Rob, you are truly amazing. What a capacity for love you have!

TL, I have to agree with Sweetpea and Airheart. (And Sweetpea, what wonderful advice! You know this can be applied to every marriage.) From what I've read here so far, implementing Plan A for a good amount of time at least leaves you feeling as if you gave it your all and all loose ends are tied up. And it gives a great chance for the marriage. Certainly is not fair for the betrayed spouse to have to do but I have always seen in my life when you treat people with kindness and caring you are paid back twofold.

Hello Tired Lady<P> I hope that I can help. I to feel the same way you do. How can the person who said that I don't care about the marriage. I don't care about what I am doing to my spouse, I don't care about what I am doing to my children & I don't care about any thing but how I am feeling. Should be the one to receive all the effort from the betrayed & give little back. How unfair is that. How about the betrayer being remorseful and telling the betrayed that they love them & all this was a big mistake please take me back. I to wish that I could have heard those words but I heard none of them.<BR> The only thing I heard was myself saying that I don't want to loose her. So what must I do to try & save our marriage. I was grabbing every thing I could & reading them. I have talked to my pastor's friends her family. And searching the web. Thanks be to God that my church had a link to Marriage Builders. I have read all the stages from how do they start to recover. Meeting the most needs & discovering them. My W has not ended it as I would like but in time maybe she will. She still works with him every day. But I do see little signs that she is coming back to me. She has gone to counseling with me. We are sharing our days with each other have to be careful there so she doesn't think I am questioning whom she has been with. We are reading a book together a thriller book. & We have started to date again. I am trying to make every Friday night a Date night. Every day I try & find some small things I could do to tell her that I care & love her. A chocolate candy on her pillow. A love note in her car. Telling her how beautiful she is. Reconfirming to her when she tells me I deserve better I tell her that I am with the one I love & there is no one better for me then her. Let me choose who is best for me. I give her a kiss & tell her I lover her every night. I ask if she would like to talk or share anything with me but do not push if she says no. Do I want her to start doing things for me God yes.<BR> I long to here her tell me that she is happy that she has married me, That she cant believe that she almost threw this away. To have her right me a note just to say I love you. Or have her call me at work just to see how I am doing. To want to sit and talk to me for hours on end. I do long for those things & I pray every day that I will receive them some day. I am also sure that my wife prayed for those things to but I was too busy to notice. I do believe that you must do the work if you want to save your marriage. The betrayer usually is to confuse or caught up in the excitement of having something new that they don't see what they are fully doing. Even though I do believe that they are also in much pain but cant help them selves out. So you must be the strong one & help them see what they are truly giving up. We must learn how to help our spouses when they truly need our help even though we get very little in return. We must be the one to learn there needs so that maybe we can learn to meet those needs. I hope that you can learn these things but remember it is not easy for me or you to do them, but look at the end goal & try to think about where you hope to be.<P><BR>Good Luck Tired Lady<P>Prayers & a Big Hug.<P>LotsofHope<BR><P>------------------<BR>