Thanks for reading.
Me: 29
WW: 24
2 boys: 5, 2
Married 5 years.
Wife previously had 2 affairs. Found out about them 12/04. We reconciled and moved on with our lives. Last month I was checking my cell phone bill online. I noticed that she had sent about 200 text messages to the same # within 4 days of the start of the new billing cycle. When I questioned her about it, she stated that it was to a classmate of hers (she is in college). I was skeptical, but chose to give her the benefit of the doubt as she does keep in close contact w/ several of her schoolmates. This month I checked the bill again and she had run up over $100 in overage charges. 1100 txt msgs to this same #. I blew up. We didn't talk the rest of the evening. The next day I finally began to talk to her again. During our conversation she revealed that she was having an affair with a guy from work. A black man 15 years older than her who has a child nearly as old as she is.
My immediate reaction was to just walk away. Told her it was over. But, over the next 24 hours as I sorted through my feelings, I realized that I did still love her. Also, we have 2 young children who we both love very much.
My parents are still married. Hers cheated on each other multiple times, are now divorced and have each cheated on their current spouses. On top of this, her father has written her off and hasn't talked to her in 5 years. I know this just kills her.
On the one hand, she has cheated on me with 3 different guys now. Does that hurt? Absolutely. Am I consumed by the cheating? Oddly, no. I now recognize the problems we had in our marriage. I have certainly been a lousy spouse. I have a tendancy to get drawn into hobbies and ignore things around me. Played a lot of online poker, bought a calculus book and taught myself, always reading, etc. I certainly have not fulfilled her biggest EN : Affection. I think a big part of this is that I have previously been cheated on 10 times between my wife and ex-girlfriends. Guess something about me screams: "Walk all over me!"
The wife agreed to NC with the OM. She did slip and try to contact him last week. (She had his son's cell # and tried to call it. He returned the calls, but I was already on to it and she has not spoken to him.) She is trying to make her feelings for him go away and does want to feel something for me again, but she is definately in withdrawal. She sees me reading the MB site and asks me if there is anything good I have read. So, the desire to make it work is there. I am just having a hard time dealing with the fact that her feelings for this guy are so strong. They were only seeing each other about 2 months.
I have tried my best to execute a good plan A. It has worked fairly well. I have definately made some long overdue changes to myself. (Washing dishes, cleaning after myself, writing her poetry, asking her about her day, etc.) I know she likes the change, but is having a hard time trusing that the change is real.
The latest problem came up today. Last night, I gave her a diamond necklace to congratulate her on completing her first semsester w/ straight A's. She loved it. She wanted to make love, but it was "that time of the month." I told her that I was going to send a text to the other guy and ask him not to attempt to contact her again. I was polite, but firm. I stated that I understood that he didn't respect me or my marriage, but being a father himself, I would hope that he respected our 2 children's right to grow up in a good household and give my wife and I a chance to repair our marriage.
He wrote back with a very ugly message letting me know how much of a man he was to be able to satisfy her and that I was weak. He told me if I wasn't careful, I would lose my wife for good. This upset me a lot. I came home and showed my wife. She got very upset. Said she was mad at him, but didn't want to see me right now and left the house.
Guess my question is, how much should I be pushing the issue of the other guy vs. trying to make myself desirable to my wife? She does seem to want to try to make it work, but she did also try to contact him not 5 days ago>
Thanks again for reading
Last edited by 2Become1; 12/05/07 03:21 PM.
