Did you not listen to ANYTHING? This was the absolute WORST thing you could have done.

He ISN'T going to tell his wife. He is going to get away scott free and now the affair will go underground.



She is lying.

Period.



Well guess what. She should have thought of that in the first place. SHE is the one that is going to hurt your son and he WILL eventually find out.

OMW needs to know NOW! If you deal with her directly she won't do anything to hurt your family.

If you don't inform OMW, then you are showing that you are spineless and the complete lack of respect from your wife will grow into monster proportions.

She is going to blame YOU for everything and become a hate spewing brick wall.


Good God man! Tell her NOW!



She IS setting you up to take the blame. She is the one at fault and you need to tell her if there are any repercussions, then it was a result of HER decision to commit adultery.

GET A BACKBONE and force her respect or this is going to steamroll over you and you will end up whining about it as your family disentigrates around you.

I've been this path and my family was DESTROYED!!!

Pariah, thanks for replying. I appreciate the collective wisdom of the people on this site but at the end of the day we each have to apply that wisdom to our own unique situation. And while I have no doubt whatsoever that in many ways those that are involved in adultery share many common characteristics I also know that individual relationships are unique and dynamic. That said, I feel comfortable with my decision because there is no "statute of limitations" on my ability to disclose to OMW. I have proof of the A (now much stronger than what I had last week - enough said on that point) that I can take to OMW at any time. So I have not decided that I will not disclose but only that there is no urgency to it now. If W fails to demonstrate the commitment to our M that she has agreed to, I will disclose (by the way after I privately discuss with my children). If OM breaks NC, I will disclose to his W and employer, friends, etc. To your point about me appearing spineless I see it in a completely different light. I have the wherewithal and the willingness to escalate this, but will do so on my terms at a time and place that suits me.

You're getting really good advice...but you're making a common mistake... you think that you have a better idea of what will and what won't work...and "the best" way to approach this for your specific circumstance.

HUGE mistake.

These principals work...and they are designed in the manner which they are because as a newly Betrayed Spouse...you're attempting to apply LOGIC where no logic applies.

Your wife, and her OM...

STOP owning this.....

If the roles had been reversed...and it was OMW that found out the truth...do you not hope beyond hope she'd have the strength to tell you????

So now..they've turned YOU into an enabler.

ALL WAYWARD SPOUSES...protect each other...

trust these folks that are giving you wise advice....

This does not have to be fixed today... this CAN not be fixed today.

There's lots of work to be done...but if you don't follow the basic concepts..you are setting yourself ..and your family... to an impending doom.

You are not responsible for the actions of others. You have to be on a mission..to do the right thing... the OMW will be instrumental in TRUE NC...

You are trying to do this the way it suits you best. That is understandable, but you are making this much more difficult than it needs to be.

Stop protecting your W and the OM from the consequences of thier behavior. It is not your fault they chose to do this. They knew before they began the A that it was wrong and that getting caught would have serious consequences but they still chose to do it. It is not your job, nor in your best interests, to sheild them in any way.

IF OMW finds out that you knew and did not tell her, she will be far less likely to cooperate with and assist you.

Your situation is not very unique at all, even though you think it is. Most of us thought we could work the plans "our way" at first. Many of us found out that the little things we tried to do "our way" were in fact the biggest mistakes we made. Think about it. Why are you here? You're here because you didn't know what to do. Now, you've found a resource that DOES know what to do, but you don't want to do it.

We're just trying to help you. You are allowed to make mistakes, we all did, and we will help you the best we can in spite of them. We just wish you would learn from our mistakes, instead of repeating them is all.

Exactly. This is another unfortunate side effect of As - their ability to draw innocent people into the web of evilness surrounding the A. Don't get caught up in it!

OK. I need help in a hurry. A is over (more on that later if necessary) but my W and I are both extremely concerned (freaking out in her case) about my S learning of this. I believe that is inevitable, primarily because the OM has been his coach for the last 4 years and my S will notice the changed dynamics between OM, me, W, others that are connected with the team. My question, that I urgently need your help with, is how to handle this? Should we tell S so that he hears from us rather than from teammates, etc? Or should we keep quiet and only discuss with him if/when it becomes clear that he has knowledge of A?

Thanks again for everything. Looking forward to more helpful replies.

TIM,

Each time I see your screenname, I think "tired in mind"...that's just me.

I believe the best way to inform your DS is together. Your WW states what she did, why it was wrong, how she wants to recover and how she can't do that without NC in place. You sit, support silently, nod and listen.

Kids know...and what they sense and don't know, they make 20 times harder...so telling him is essential. You tell him to speak the truth, not to lie...not even by omission.

Do the same.

Super difficult to do...in the reverse, you wouldn't want your son to stay quiet about his heroin habit, waiting to talk to you about it when you become aware of it, would you?

LA

LovingAnyway - Thanks. If W refuses to discuss with DS I assume you would suggest that I discuss with him solo. What if he then knows about A but W is not able/willing to speak with and reassure him that he is loved, we will be OK? She has said that she will not be able to live with herself if the kids (DS in particular) find out.

Thanks.

I remember thinking that myself...WH's way of telling our YS was to take him on a date with OW and her kids.

Then he asked me who the heck OW was.

Shame is part of this horrible cycle. Understandable. Part of the natural consequences of our choices...and sometimes, we steep in it so much that we choose from shame, like fear, reacting to it.

Talk softly with your WW...tell her you believe in her...you love your real W so very much...that's she's strong and capable...and what is done is done. This is part of the healing...and it's not punishment...it's her act of love for her son. Part of the rough road to redemption.

Helps to break the fog...which is (as Gimble said) generated by...entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. Informing your DS is an act of respect.

A compromise...that she is present with you when you tell him. Study your words carefully...her presence counts, too. Discuss with her ahead of time your statements...keep them short, informative...including your DS...stating facts, the truth, not judgment.

Then you'll have a team, won't you, again? TIM's team against affair team...the outsiders.

Same for your other children. What blows away a lot of fog for the WS is the stunning fact their BS is not throwing them away (which we told ourselves they already had when we are wayward), that they are willing to recover, learn to forgive and hold the WS, anyway. Same for children.

In this together...her presence in the informing matters. I believe she's brave enough to own what she has done...and she doesn't know it yet. Such a wreck inside--that's how I was--from all the self-deceipt, DJs and lies. Telling DS is how we begin to unravel those and free ourselves.

It's never just one way...for DS...for me...for DH...for the marriage. One affects all.

LA

Loving - Thanks for the very helpful and thoughtful reply. I have been using your approach to try to persuade my W that this would be the best way to handle but she is not willing to take this step. So, given that DS may learn of this as soon as this weekend (due to his games) I feel like time is not on my side. Perhaps I should just tell W that I am doing this with or without her because it is the right thing for DS (and our other kids) and let her decide whether she will be a part of the discussion. What do you think?

Don't persuade, coax, try to influence or educate...that intent is to manipulate. I know. I did that a lot...then just started out-right verbal assault.

Purify your intent...to inform, include, act from respect and truth. Sure helps in the rebuilding process.

You state what you plan on doing, when you're going to do it, how much it would mean to you, the marriage, and your children for her to be present, even if silent, and do it.

I can hear you choose to do the right thing, anyway. Do what you say and say what you mean. Old school, new again. Hardest thing for you to do, I believe...do it, anyway.

Reminder: You don't "let" her do/think/feel/believe/say/perceive anything. She does. Period. You have NO control...there's no letting. She chooses...the more you state that reality...about yourself, using "I" statements, ownership...the more reality you bring. Acknowledge her choices...listen and repeat with choice..."I can't do that"...your answer..."I hear you're choosing not to do this. I understand your choice."

Respect. Builds your OWN self-respect...so critical after the decimation of betrayal...you go, TIM!!!

Now...I didn't go back and read...is this OM still going to be your son's coach?

LA

Thank you. I find your thoughts on this validating and encouraging. Hopefully I will have the strength to do this.

As for your question, in the short-term (i.e. the next several months), OM will be my DS coach. His is a full-time, paid position and so not easy for him to remove himself. I plan to move my DS to another team after this season but for now I am stuck (unless after exposure my DS chooses not to play for OM).

I have been so focused on confronting W, exposing A, etc that I have not thought ahead to what I am supposed to be doing as we enter this next phase. Again, W has admitted A, has sent NC letter (bcc me), etc and has committed to doing whatever needs to be done to help heal our relationship, make it stronger etc. I have told her that any breaking of NC will result in immediate end to M. In response she reaffirmed her desire to work on M, stay with me and the kids, and that A is over.

So, can someone point me to a thread that discusses what I should be doing now? Is this where Plan A fits in to the mix?

Thanks again.

Maybe you should move to the Recovery board or GQII for broader exposure and more advice.

I think a 16 yr old is old enough to handle the truth.

My husband had an affair with a woman who was a mother of one of our son's travel ice hockey club team mates. It sounded similar to your situation. NC is imperative. We also committed to no contact with any other parents who enabled the affair. Other's knew about it long before I knew and actually aided in keeping it from me. Some believed that they were like Romeo and Juliet and meant for each other. I went through H<ll.

My youngest was 12 at the time. We told all three at a family meeting. My husband moved out that day. We ended up being separated 2x for about 4 months each before the A was over (on and off for 4 yrs!).

NC is necessary however you need to insure that it happens...even if you have to move.

Have you told OMW yet?

You are taking a very big risk in your M if you do not insist upon and verify NC.

My W and I pretty much started by reading the Basic Concepts of Marriage Builders and many of the books suggested on this site. How Can I Forgive You, After the Affair, Surviving the A. We are currently reading His Needs Her Needs. We filled out the EN's survey and the LoveBusters Questionaiire together. We talk about each thing together about once a week or so.

I think you should mentally prepare yourself for the rollercoaster that is to come. You're going to go through a whole range of emotions. Its good you are looking ahead, just don't get to far ahead, you know?

TIM,

I don't see how deciding about taking your son off the team would be on him, not you, as parents. I say this because NC is for both of you...necessary for recovery, both personal and marital.

You have both recoveries ahead of you. Both are important...your personal recovery is solely in your hands.

Each contact you have with the OM undermines the recovery. Put your marriage first, ahead of your children...for it is the foundation of your family.

These are natural consequences of the A...everyone IS affected. Do not get in the way of the consequences...that's disrespectful to your WW and your children...and yourself.

It isn't adversity which sucks us down...it's how we rise to meet it. Show your son how to accept disappointment, what is within his control and what isn't...and act to your priorities, as I'm sure you fervently hope your son will act for them, in a healthy order, someday.

Recovery is really difficult...it isn't a cure nor does it stop the pain...listen to these marvelous posters. If you have not exposed to OM's BW, please do so immediately.

When others here have had workplace A's, they have had paid positions they lost...not because of exposure, because they chose to have an A. This is an important truth. The truth won't do more damage...only brings to light where others can see the damage already done.

LA

How honest has she been with you on the length and details of the affair?? If the PA was for three years and rumors have been around for awhile that they have been having an affair, sooner or later your son will hear about it.

Exposure is important....especially to OMW.

In my situation during our false recoveries the affair partners took things further underground...they got secret cell phones. My H hid his in his truck...

Expose to whomever else that can be of help in supporting your desire to recover your marriage....one way or another. The only way I wouldn't further expose *beyond family and the OMW, is where you have real NC and a very remorseful, repentant wife willing to do anything to prove to you the she is a FWS and that she can be transparent and she wants to be in a better marriage with you. Willing to do what ever work necessary to make that happen.

Your wife has been having sex with this man behind your back for over 3 years having put your health at risk for STD's and making a complete mockery of your marriage. You sound like you are in a type of denial. For your wife to have engaged in this behavior with your son's coach for such a prolonged period time conveys her utter disrespect toward you and your marriage. It sounds like her only fear is the loss of her reputation in the community.

If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be so accommodating as you have been. Speaking of reversal. How would you feel if you were like the OM's wife? Wouldn't you wish to be informed of your spouse's betrayal? What a terrific (sic) message you have given to this coach. You basically have told him it was virtually acceptable to keep screwing your wife and humiliating you behind your back for over 3 years without consequences. All he has to do is dump your wife and his life and reputation continues untouched. I am sorry but he has made a complete fool of you and he continues to make a fool of you because of your own decision not to inform his wife which is the decent thing thing to do.

So what is it that you have won? You have a wife who probably wants to maintain her standard of living and her reputation by not allowing anyone to know that for over 3 years she has been screwing her son's coach behind your back and who you were friendly with yourself. They have both humiliated you in the worst possible way. She is forced to cut contact and he lives to screw another married woman for another day. I am sorry my friend but it does not sound like you have gained much. It is bad enough that your wife has no respect for you or your marriage. For God's sake If you do not respect yourself then who will?

I agree with Bryanp.