TIM,

Your W is experiencing consequences full-force...a deluge of reality. Can you go in, periodically, and sit next to her on the bed, hold her hand, and share a few sentences about what you're experiencing today?

She did go in and face your son, no matter how briefly. Hold onto that, 'k? And she apologized to him. Hold that, also. A big chunk of fantasy, which was full of distracted false comfort, just cracked to pieces.

Just as you are responsible for seeing how amazingly courageous you are, see her brave actions, as well.

Your nauseating and rage inducing feelings are normal...adrenaline kicks in when it sees a predator out to destroy your family. You can see how reasonable your urge to physically attack back really is--where it comes from. And you're fighting this predator, aren't you? Please know that. Truth does that for you. As you saw with your W, it's a blow like no other.

Thank you for updating here...I don't believe there is a typical reaction for anyone...hits us in our most vulnerable place...takes time to see where not everything is destroyed in one minute...and to see he can rely on his father to lead the way to reality.

I have no words for how much I admire your bravery, fortitude. I think what you did shows you truly defending your marriage and your family, not reacting defensively.

That's so weak. I wish I had something else. Awe stuns me.

LA

Well done.

Just some things you might consider.

1. Your DS might not be as good at managing your emotions as you are. While you can safely "put away" those thoughts of running out there and giving the OM a good drubbing, your DS may not be as good at controlling similar impulses. Something you might want to talk to him about.

2. Once she's gotten over the shock, be prepared for your WW to try to give "her side of the story" to your DS, and try to diffuse the blame for her poor choices. You may want to consider mentioning to your DS and your WW that the issue of the A and the OM should only be discussed when all three of you are present.

3. It troubles me a bit that the OM is still in a position of authority over your DS.

Good job man, that talk with your son has to be one of the harder things you've ever done, and it sounds like you handled it well. Keep the doors open for your son, he may need you and its possible you two can grow closer through this.

I don't understand why you don't expose this and get the OM fired. I mean, I understand in a way, but I think the prospect of seeing this guy and having him have such close contact with your son would be much harder to endure than the exposure.

And I agree, your W is having to deal with the consequences of her bahavior, and it is setting in just how much her behavior has cost her and her family. Don't press her much, but don't take any blame if she lashes out at you either. If she does, just tell her "I am just doing the best I know to do for our family, I am terribly sorry that it was necessary to do that and can't tell you how much I wish that it hadn't been." Something like that.

Keep trying to contact the OMW, if you don't get her soon, I'd suggest sending a registered letter to her.

I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and your family, making tough calls and doing the right thing. Truly respectful actions on your part. Keep your head up, its likely your strength will save the day for your family and your marriage!

Spoke again with my DS on the drive to his game this morning. He's still not interested in speaking with my W (or needless to say, his coach) and I reiterated that he should feel free to discuss this with his older brother (my SS) and sister. I am a little torn as to whether I should tell them if he doesn't. I would not have told DS were it not for the involvement of his coach but now that he knows it seems that the others deserve (?) to know as well. Thoughts on that?

Later this morning, OM approached me to ask if we could talk. He apologized and told me that he is telling his wife within next day or so. He agreed to let me know when he has and to give me her cell number so that I can contact her. I told him (berated him is more like it) for putting my DS in an emotionally untenable position from which there is no easy exit. His apology made no real difference to me other than to mitigate - at least for now - my urge to do him bodily harm. So I suppose some good came of it.

I arrived home later today to my W still in complete shutdown / b**ch mode. With some prodding from me she told me that my telling DS triggered in her a feeling of "nothingness" combined with anger for me. That last part pissed me off and I told her to stop wallowing in self pity, etc. Probably an example of a LB but come on. Really. She claimed last week to have decided to commit to me and her family and now it seems to be all about her. I plan to sleep on the couch tonight (not something I've done before).

It isn't your oldest son's responsibility to tell or decide to tell his siblings. I don't think you should put that on him at all. If he wants to talk to them about it, then I think you should tell them first. How old are they again? It would be helpful if you put your details in your signature line if you have time to do so.

You should still be in Plan A with your W, trying to meet her needs and not LB while still doing what needs to be done to protect and hold your family together. Tell her you're glad she's still there and you still believe in the marriage and hope she will decide to work with you to repair the damage that has been done. Don't expect alot from her and don't react badly when you don't get anything. While you're doing what needs to be done in her selfish state of mind she is interpreting it as an attack on her. There's only so much you can do about that while she is still in a wayward mindset but you need to be balancing that out as much as possible with a good strong Plan A.

On transparency and NC: If you haven't, I'd start monitoring the home computer. And your W should be willing to change email accounts (to prevent OM from having an easy way of contacting her). And you might want to get caller id and a logging device for that. And/Or change phone numbers.

Re: OMW: Do contact her, regardless of what OM says. She might want to start attending OM's soccer games. And she/you might want to think about whether there are any other soccer mom's that are particularly friendly with OM. His losing his job really wouldn't hurt you or your M. (And it might be good for him to learn about consequences for stupid actions.)

Your W is acting normally. You just ruined her life (in her mind) so she is going to be unhappy. She's losing the A that met some needs of hers, lost face with family and in the community, and possibly doesn't feel pretty good about herself. You can remind her of your commitment to your M and that you want the best spouse you can be. You seem off to a decent start, but don't discount the difficulty WSs have in breaking off an A. Even if you get NC in the short term, there will always be a risk long-term living in close proximity. Eventually your W will have to earn your trust and live transparently.

- WG

So today I'm trying to make progress on a couple of issues. First, I am unsure whether I should disclose the A to my other children. My DS has no one to talk to about this other than me. However this morning he said that he is indifferent toward speaking with his older brother and sister, saying "it wouldn't change how I feel." I told him that if he wants to speak with them to let me know and I will talk with them first. But, in the event that he does not, do they deserve to know? Is it fair to "burden" him with this secret? My brain tells me that I should tell them but I think I am afraid that, given my W's reaction to me telling my son, this will drive her away for good. Prior to me telling my son she said that my doing so would jeopardize her willingness to work on our M and that I should not tell him that "everything will be OK" with our M.

Second, because of her shutdown behavior since I spoke with my son I find myself questioning everything she told me last week re her commitment to our M and our family. So I am now concerned about whether she really intends NC with OM. Maybe more importantly, even if she maintains NC with OM how do we get to the point of addressing the issues that lead to the A so that we can minimize the risk of recurrence? Is it normal for me to feel this way / have these concerns?

Thanks again to everyone. I could not have made it this point on my own. I have been able to read your replies on my blackberry in moments of crisis (sometimes while standing feet away from OM) and that has been a constant source of strength. I really can't thank you all enough.

TIM,

Is truth a burden or the A? If you want to get in the way of your WW's consequences, then continue to lie to your older children about the A. Help to cover it up.

If you want to live manipulatively, then choose to act from your belief you can control your WW's choices...which include choosing to leave the family...all of you. That's in her domain, not yours. Not really.

If you base your choices on expected outcome, then you make others your master...puts all the control into others' hands, which can make for mighty power struggles in our relationships, our marriage, even with our children.

If you choose to act based on your own code...where you hold yourself to openness and honesty, consideration, awareness...and let the outcome go...do you think you'd be more in alignment with God's design of humans or more off track?

Learning how enmeshed you have been with your wife, even pre-A, is a great lesson about Plan A. Where we learn what is truly respectful (acknowledging that we are not the cause, control or cure for anyone else) from what seems protective.

Don't protect a WS from their consequences...stand clear. Inform your older children because your marriage affects them. Just as the A affects your son directly, so does it affect all your children. Which is why marriage matters as number one...the biggest example of how to live life comes from how we treat our partner, what we choose and how we value. If you have honesty in your code, then inform them.

To not do so is to lie by omission. Like not telling you about her A...one big lie of omission.

Be prepared...if she really is in NC with OM, even for only a week, withdrawal can kick in...because she isn't feeding off the fantasy feelings...getting the emotional high. Not about real love...about love of feelings. Reality sucks the life out of false feelings. Without constant feeding, all those drugs are not released in our brains, our bodies...which is very much like a shutdown.

Any contact can fire them back up. Be vigilant. Be aware. Continue to expose to those who need to know the truth. You might consider the certified letter with OMW's name listed as the sole recipient.

Or try calling all day during the week at one-hour intervals.

You cannot drive another away with the truth...sure can feel like it. Choose a healthier perspective--that your WW chooses what she does and doesn't, just as you choose your own actions.

First, NC, getting through withdrawal, and then recovery, upping communication skills, getting our guides in place, and addressing pre-A stuff. You got what you weren't doing or doing, correct? You've eliminated your own LBs that you've identified? Again, goes to your boundaries around yourself...what you really don't allow yourself now that you're aware...you're figuring out her ENs, guessing her top ones, meeting those the best you can...acting from love instead of reacting to your own feelings...

Which is why I believe Plan A is essential to recovery...already puts in play a lot that was missing (from lack of awareness) pre-A. Mind your own stuff.

About the drugs inside our bodies...you can read about them at al.turtlecounseling.com. More resources for you...to learn and grow...to know.

You're not alone.

LA

Have you exposed to the club president or board?

Does OM expect to coach these boys next year?

-JKT

LA - Thanks again for your words of wisdom. I know telling them is what I need to do. Now for choosing the time: do I kill the joy leading up to Christmas or the afterglow? So thoughtless of my W to put us in this situation.

JKT - Have not exposed to anyone in the club but told OM yesterday that if in my son's best interests (e.g. to help people understand why my son (a team captain) may be leaving the team) for people to know about the A that I will not hesitate to disclose. His secret is not my problem. I don't know what OM plans are re coaching next year. My son will not be playing for him, whether because OM moves on or because my son does.

So out of the blue this afternoon I am consumed by anger fueled by thoughts of all the time over the last three years spent by me, W and DS in company of OM. The brazenness of it is at the moment almost too much for me to handle. I feel like I want to scream while I break things but my 6 year old daughter would likely not understand dad's meltdown. Adds insult to injury that my W is not there for me now. I feel like I have no one to turn to. Again, this sucks. Really, really, really sucks.

I exposed to OMW on Christmas eve.

It was legendary.

Something I'll never forget and he won't either.

Tired:

This will suck, and for a long time. Get ready for a long cold winter, and I am not talking about the weather!

Couldn't help but think that I saw a lot of this coming when I read just the first page of the thread. Yes, you will be angry for awhile, and your wife will be cold for awhile. Recommend that you and your son get some counseling, and later, you and your wife.

It will be tough, but try to avoid the LBs and hopefully your sitch will though a little.

I tried to make decisions around my daughter's schedule (holidays, birthdays, school) but it just didn't work. There was never a good time.

Or viewed another way: one Christmas holiday is insignficant compared to the earthquakes your family is now facing.

I wouldn't involve your D6. Or would do so minimally, preferrably your W, in your presence, would tell her that she has lied to you and hurt you, and that your are upset with a good reason, but that you both are trying to work everything out. (If your WW carried on with OM in front of D6, that would be different - in a 3 year relationship, she might have...)

The other kids are older, and I don't think the timing (i.e., around Christmas) will matter. Telling the older kids seems to have value to add pressure to kill the A (they'll never be comfortable with your W around OM). But your goal is not to hurt your W - it should be to recover your M.

It's painful for you, but actually normal for your W to grieve the loss of the A.

You son should not be disrupted any further...

I would without a doubt, spell out to the board/president your thoughts about this. The damage your son has endured, and your desires to avoid anything uncomfortable for the following season.

Considering accountabliity. Anything other than making your son comfortable, would seem to me be unacceptable.

Is it possible this is not an isolated incident?

-JKT

TIM,

About when to tell the other kids...

Hmmm.

How long do you want to lie by omission? Would, "I lied to you until after Christmas to control how you felt on it" be what you want? How would you answer their question, "How long were you keeping this from us?"

Up to you, TIM. Goes to the principle, doesn't it? Would you have preferred not knowing about your WW and OM until after the holidays? Is ignorance protective, is it bliss?

To me, seems the same way WS's do when they first attempt recovery, and hold back important answers (lie by omission) or shade the truth (lie by commission) because they don't want to hurt their BS. Like dying from a thousand cuts...eeking out truth, over time...from choice.

I understand not every situation is the same...to me, if you're all one family, a step son and a mutual daughter...then they all need to be in on the truth. The act has already been done...the truth is now what happened...isn't it? That's your prayer. Act in the light and you will experience it...continue to hide in the darkness, and you'll sap your own spirit, won't you?

Manipulating others' lives...I remember it well. I remember my DH lying by omission for two decades...how it felt when he finally told me the truth...what a whammy...all to control my life experience by omission, withholding...to me, sooner the better.

More support for DS16, bigger ground of truth to live in...and how many times have you called OM's home number today? I think I missed that.

((((((TIM))))))

About killing their joy...it would be fantasy joy, wouldn't it? As soon as they knew, it would feel like a lie...embarrassing...affrontery, even? You all together, as one family, is a great and grateful fact...real joy lives, TIM. You just aren't powerful enough to kill it, 'k?

The A can...you can't.

An A is an attack on your marriage...your kids don't know if the attack is lethal or not...when you inform, share you are choosing to stand for your marriage, to recover. Lead your family through this, not from sacrifice or panic...from standing on the knowledge you have about humans, relationships and possibilities. Own your choice, 'k? When we do, we hold our fear and act from love, anyway.

LA

Never tip your hand to the OM about exposing him. It will only give him time to get into damage control mode and put the spin that what you have to say is only the ranting of a crazy man that is overly jealous of his wife.

The latest: SS and DD know (I spoke with them). Each has spoken with my W, SS expressing love and support for her, DD probably not so much. W is still pissed at me, ostensibly for telling the children. I am not sure how much longer I can endure being the target of her anger when what I need from her is empathy for my situation. Feel myself creeping toward an explosion of anger directed at her. But I'm trying to maintain composure.

OMW now knows. She called here to speak with my W (who was not home) and I spoke with her and confirmed that she knows and is aware of my concern for my son. I do not know if my W returned her call but she did not seem inclined to do so when I gave her the message. I regard that as her issue to deal with but I would feel better if she was consistently demonstrating a willingness to do the right thing.

OM told me that he plans to step down as coach and will announce to the team next week when a replacement will be named.

So, many things seem to be getting better - at least directionally - but I am concerned that my W may not be willing to do the hard work necessary to address the underlying issues that lead to the A. I know that I am willing to do whatever it takes. But, I also know that there is a limit to how long I will be so willing unless she demonstrates an equivalent degree of commitment.

TIM,

:::applause goes crazy sounds:::

Yay!! You moved that boulder all the way to the top of the hill...

to keep it from rolling back down over you...

Choose your thoughts.

Don't dwell in the future...not here yet. Do not choose to hand yourself emotions like frustration, fear and pain through worry. Stay present. Look around. You're standing in truth. Soak in it.

Acknowledge and validate your WW's anger. She's feeling it and it is hers...confirm you hear it, are striving to understand it--not mitigate, cure or control it. You know she has control of her stuff. You, yours.

You just exampled that...and have been doing so...again and again.

You don't know what your WW will choose to do. You really don't. You had no idea she'd choose an A...that pretty much opens our eyes to where our DJs falsely insulate us, living predictively with our partners...which negates their present choices, doesn't it?

A lesson you already learned...coming back in another guise.

You're a stand up, full-fledge hero...focus on your stuff, your changes, and don't allow sneaky LBs (like DJs) focus you on where you once dwelled...stay new. See your WW as new. She is. You are. New choices, daily.

Smile...share how you feel now that everyone knows the truth...share with her your own feelings, thoughts, fears...share your process.

Be vigilant about contact...do your verifying. Listen and repeat. Share. Remove yourself as target of her anger...because her anger is her own. Begin enforcing those predetermined boundaries progressively.

I changed up that often repeated sentence...better or worse?

Be my verbage opthamalogist, 'k? Or would that be paitent?

Give yourself a kudos dance...you just completed an emotional marathon...heck, a triathalon, didn't you? Really difficult to share the truth...and you did it anyway. You acted from respect.

What now? You ready for Disneyland?

How about that play time together...got anything scheduled? Mind your 15 hours of UA, 'k? Make it RC, 'k?

LA

I really feel for you. You are really well put together, it's amazing to me that you have this composure. There is no way I could handle a 3 year affair. I can barely handle what my wife did, and that was nothing like this. I'm not even sure I'm going to make it at this point. Good luck to you, and I hope your W comes around and you can start moving forward.

tiredinmd;

YOU DA MAN !!!!!

Seriously, I love to see BH's stand up for themselves and their families ... and having the OM step down as your son's coach is HUGE. In effect, your strength during exposure FORCED him into resigning.

Thank you for your strength ... you are an inspiration to all BH's, plus you got the added bonus of watching the "Karma Bus" make a direct hit on the OM. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

As for your WW ... just remember that all you can do is be the BEST husband and father you can be ... its up to her whether she owns her stuff and works with you to recover your M.

Recite the Serenity Prayer ... it caused "My Revelation":

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference

You have shown you have the courage to change the things within your power, now allow yourself the serenity that comes with understanding that you can't change someone else.

REMEMBER: Women will not leave/divorce a "happy" man.