Well, my H gave notice at the apartment he is staying at just a few days ago. He's says he wants to return to the house for 'finacial reasons'.

This all started a few weeks ago when I mentioned I was having money troubles. I was getting worried so I mentioned that I was either going to get a second job or find a roommate to cover some of the house expenses. And I guess he was having problems of his own.

At the time I mentioned this he told me, "you are not getting a roommate, or a 2nd job, that's my responsibility." So he said he was considering moving back to the house.

So now he is moving back in the next month with no promise to work on the marriage.

I have been in plan A I would say in reality since august. I tried to execute it before, but I was too much of a mess personally to do it affectivley.

I know I should be happy that he is moving back in so at least no he will actually see more of my plan A, but I feel sick to my stomach about it. I just don't want to go back to the unhapiness that existed before.

How should I feel about this?

There is no 'should' about how you feel. Just accept that you WISH it was for another reason.

If I were you, I'd make darned sure his affair is OVER before he walks in that door. Otherwise, I'd honestly file sep papers to keep him OUT.

I know some won't agree with me, but having a WH move back in your marital home while still actively pursuing a single life would kill me spiritually and emotionally. Please stand up for yourself!

I agree with Mojodiva on this one.

I would rather be poor than living WITH an ACTIVE wayward spouse. You would be setting yourself up to experience an extension of the devastation that you have already experienced.

Deferring to Star's expertise below - much better/relevant for your sitch.

get a room-mate or a job...

plan a since august...sounds like plan b time to me

ark

Or, another take on this...

I could be he's looking to come home, and all might not be rosy in la-la land.

If you've been doing Plan A since August, but he's been out of the house all this time, he may not have realized 1. the personal changes in you, 2. how much he knows home IS where the HOUSE is.

You might consider letting him come home (for whatever reason) do an intense Plan A with him there with you, and if nothing is improving, or he's still active in the A, then about mid-January, out he goes, and you go directly to Plan B.

Plan B is always best after a very good Plan A, and Plan A from a distance is difficult, at best.

I'm not saying the others who have posted are wrong, but having him home during the holidays might give him a crystal clear look at what he's near to losing.

JMHO

I read somewhere, I think in SAA, that Plan A, for BW's, should last for maybe a month, 3 monts for BH's. Plan B is the next move.

Get a roommate. Accept nothing less than recovery, and all that goes with it (extraordinary precautions against A). It's not worth it.

zora,

I read your other threads. It's going to be hard to see these things distilled down to the bullet points I'm about to make....but I think it's important:

*you admit that most of the problems in your marriage were caused by your issues.

*you had an addiction to gaming.

*your husband wanted to work on the marriage...but you witheld sex and criticized his body.

*you were so interested in the game you ignored his attempts to get you involved in healthier recreation.

*you had an emotional affair with another gamer.

*you got depressed and turned from a gaming addiction to an alcohol addiction.

*you attacked your husband violently numerous times while drunk leaving scratches on him.

*lost your job because of alcohol issues.

*spent time in a mental hospital.

*admit you have trouble telling the truth.

*admit to saying unforgivable things to your husband.



Now you say:
Sounds to me....like you have the majority of the work to do. I know you've been trying to do your Plan A....but I don't blame your husband for not being too invested in the marriage at this point. He needs to see "consistency over time" because right now....the changes you've made are not real yet. I know you're working hard to climb out of the enormous hole you dug for yourself, but this is a opportunity.....even if it's a little scary.

Chere.....I don't want to be mean....but I think you're lucky he even wants to come back. This sounds like he11! He's either desperate....or he loves you a whole lot!

Are you still going to AA? counseling?

Thanks for all the advice gang.

I was an absolutley awful wife I admit. I was deep in a depression for so long I lost all sense of the things around me. I was in this hole even before we were married to some extent. I'm slowly getting better though. I'm stilling doing the meetings. I go to group counseling and individual. Group counseling has been awesome. It gives me perspective of what other people see.

I know my H has seen some of plan A, cause he has commented on certain things. He just doesn't know the extent of it since we don't see each other every day.

I personaly just don't want to live in the mess where he is off running around with his 'ski friend'. Part of that is what ended up putting me in the menal hospital. I never want to end up there again.

If you accept his weak reason, why should he be motivated to get better?

You need to ID your personal and M boundaries and implement them ASAP!

Been there done that and it ain't fun! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.