BH:29 (me)
WW:24
2 sons 4,2
Married: 07/03
DDay: 11/15/07 (most recent) 2 mo PA which developed into EA
Prev DDay: 11/26/04: admitted to 2 affairs in previous year
NC: 11/18/07
Attempted to make contact via calls to OM's son's cell 11/30-12/02.
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Really need some encouragement/guidance here.

Thankfully, my situation doesn't seem to be as difficult as what some of you guys are going through. WW is still at home, we still enjoy each other's company: playing cards, talking about our day, video games, etc.

I am doing better emotionally that I thought I would be. (Anti-depressants have helped!) The strangest thing is that over the course of these past 3 weeks, I have really fallen in love with my wife all over again. Makes little sense to me, but there you have it. She cheats and I can't get enough of her!

She has decided to try to work things out. She is still in the withdrawal stage. Getting the usual "I see you as more of a friend", "we were having problems before this.", etc. Said last night it was getting better, but she frequently thinks of the OM.

What should my play be here? Her IC told her that maybe we should sleep w/ a pillow inbetween us and wait a couple of months before thinking about sex. Now that I've heard that, I am afraid to come on too strong by making any physical contact. Should I be trying to give her hugs, scratch her back, etc? The withdrawal is difficult on me and I find myself struggling to find the right way to beging to make her fall in love with me again. I'm trying to avoid being seen as "just a friend."

Thanks for any advice guys.

2B1 - Welcome and so sorry you are here. She is NOT in the withdrawal stage if she is still in contact with the OM. I noted on your post that she most recently attempted contact on 12/02 (that you know about). The affair needs to end and there has to be NO CONTACT whatsoever before you guys can begin to heal.

Another thing I noticed is that your first D-Day was 11/04 where she admitted two prior affairs the year before. You guys were married in 07/03. So the way I read it is that she's basically been cheating on you since you got married? Is that right?

I'll wait for some of the vets to come along to offer more help because I really don't know what to say in this situation.

1. Your WW sounds like a SA - and unfortunately that's an issue that can't be resolved by just MC, and her IC's suggestion doesn't seem to address this aspect of her personality.

2. Your M was never a real M, it seems. I hate to bring this up, but it's something that you have probably checked already - have you confirmed that you are the biological dad for your sons?

3. Finally, you're likely falling in love with her again because she's meeting one or two of your major emotional needs (ENs).

I absolutely don't know what to say, except PM is so correct.

You are SO in the RIGHT place and there are some many wonderful people who can walk you through this journey.

Hey PM,

My Skins won. They SO needed that.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I guess she has been cheating on me our entire marriage. Maybe the fact that she broke off her engagement with another man to be with me should have been a red flag!

As far as the children go. I'm 100% sure the oldest is mine. Kid is a spitting image of me. The youngest also shares a lot of my features and I just don't see how it couldn't be mine based on what was going on around the time she got pregnant. Honestly though, it isn't that large of a concern of mine right now.

WW is very sexual. That's all we did when we first met. 2 nights ago she tells me that she masturbates nearly every day. I fear that may be hindering her progress to get over OM. He probably lives on in her fantasies.

Don't know if it matters, but she was unsuccessful in reaching him. I discovered the strange # on our cell phone bill and paid for a search online. She denied it was him but admitted after I showed her the proof. I sent him a text message asking him to not attempt to contact my wife again. He has kids and I asked him as a father to respect my children's right to grow up in a happy family. He wrote back with a very vulgar and threatening message. Showed my wife and I think it really shocked her that he would do something like that.

So when does withdrawal begin? She hasn't actually seen or spoken to him in 3 weeks, but she did attempt contact a week ago. I know they say about 3 weeks, and it does seem to be getting better, but it would be nice to see some real progress.

2Become1,

1) Don't assume the affair is over. Make damn sure. This other guy doesn't give a rats [censored] about respecting your family.

2) Without a doubt your wife needs therapy and likely medications.

3) Is she manipulative, abusive, does she feel worthless, or unworthy of love? Has she ever thought about suicide?

The chemical withdrawl begins 3 weeks after NC. The complete withdrawal takes much longer 3-9 months assuming that NC is still intact.

Trying my best to make sure this isn't still going on. He was a supervisor at the casino she works at. She was going to quit, but he ended up being fired. We live a little over an hour away from her job and she is a full time student during the week, so it isn't feesible for her to see him undetected during the week. The affair was able to happen because she gets off at 2 AM and I would be asleep by then. I now set my alarm for 1:30 and talk to her while she drives home.

She is in IC now at the university. Think she is getting some generally poor advice. As far as meds go, she is on 20mg Busiprone, an anxiety medication. I think she needs antidepressants instead. I was placed on them by my doctor this week and am trying to encourage her to do the same.
I think a lot of her problems stem from her parents. They cheated on each other and divorced when she was 6. They both proceeded to remarry and cheat on their new spouses. She is currently estranged from her father. He says she is a bad seed and won't talk to her and has only briefly ever seen our oldest child. The wife has straight As in school and is a great mother. Although my father-in-law (feels weird calling him that as I've only met him twice) is wrong about her, it still affects her greatly. 2 of the 3 men she had affairs with were 10 and 15 years older than her. Both were men in positions of power.
Is there anything that I can/should be doing at this point? We have had SF twice since the revelation. The first time was great, just like old times. The second was mechanical and uncomfortable. I am not looking to have this particular need met at the moment, but I am just confused as to how I should be handling the little things. Is more touching better or worse? I long to cuddle up to her at night in bed, hug her, massage her feet, etc. She allows all of it, I just don't know if I am adding to the confusion because of the state she is in or if it is helping the cause. Any insights?

First thing I would do is head to the book store and pick up His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. I would also recommend picking up Surviving an Affair and Love Busters. You might have to order those from this website. I've never found those 2 in book stores. You can read His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN) in 1 to 2 days. What you are doing (massages/hugs/cuddling) is exactly what you need to be doing. The book will explain it better.

Make sure the OM has been fired for sure. If not, the fact that he had an innapropriate relationship with someone under him would definitely be grounds for dismissal. Is the OM married. If so, expose to his wife. Don't trust your WW with those questions. Find out for yourself. WW will lie to protect OM. Good luck to you!

Thanks bghe.
I wasn't able to find any of the books at my local bookstore. I am ordering them through the website.

I am certain that OM has been fired. WW only works 2 nights a week and all of her time has been accounted for so far. I feel pretty good NC has been maintained, despite her attempt last week. The ugly, threatening text messages he sent me a couple days ago seem to have really changed her opinion of OM. He has 2 children from 2 different women and has never been married.

Tomorrow is our younest son's birthday party. If it weren't for the antidepressants I am on it would be a very difficult day having to face all of our combined families.

So at this point is it just a matter of continuing to make deposits into the love bank? She is on quite a bit of anxiety medication so it is difficult with her feeling very little emotion at the moment. While I am waiting for HNHN to come it, could someone give me a few pointers on a gameplan at this stage? Should I tell her I love her a lot/ show affection despite her claimed indifference? I guess I'm afraid to have the undersired effect of making myself appear needy/ clingy when all I really want to do is make her feel loved!

Don't be too surprised if it's not the anti-anxiety meds making her feel very little emotion. WS aren't always very receptive to affection from BS right after or during an A. It took my W about 1 month before I saw REAL signs of her being receptive to my efforts. Don't give up and try not to let it get you down.

There is a fine line between showing a lot of affection and seeming needy or clingy. The biggest thing you can do is not push it on her. Tell her you love her, give her back/foot/whatever massages. Hold hands. If she pulls away or seems uninterested at the time, give her a little space and try not to get upset over it. If you feel yourself getting upset about it don't let her see it. Instead, jump on here and vent out your frustrations and anger. We're here to listen to it. You need to be showing your WW how great life with you can/will be. Good luck to you.

Great day on Sunday. Had both families over for my 2 year old's birthday party. Planning and preparing for the party was great for our communication; we were required to interact a lot. Wife was genuinely happy for the first time in weeks. After everyone left, WS and I cuddled up on the couch and watched a movie. She initiated SF.

This morning I made sure to kiss her before I left for work. She smiled and thanked me for being so great lately.

It seems that we have successfully navigated through the withdrawal stage. My focus at this point will be to deposit as many love units as possible and avoid any love busters.

Should I be concerned by how well things are going now? I am certainly encouraged, but a little confused also. Just 2 days ago she was talking about how we were "only staying together for the kids". Now things are great between us. It sounds silly, but should I not be forgiving so soon? Are there any pitfalls I should watch out for?

I am excited about how well things are going, but I want to be sure that it is for real. We have both been doing a great job of meeting each other's top ENs.

2B1,
I'm new here, too. My D-day was 10/24/07. It's been 7 weeks, and things seem to be progressing well. What I'm trying to get at is Plan A.
Read up on Plan A and implement it, don't share this plan with your wife, just do it. Don't expect many if any of your emotional needs to be met for any set length of time for awhile, several months I've heard, (mine are getting better, still a ways to go). But I can tell you from my experience that Plan A does wonderful things!

One thing though, No Contact is a MUST!!! If contact is made, it can and will start the withdrawal all over again, and you'll be back to the beginning.

I've deleted MY STORY for personal reasons, but I can assure you that Plan A is what I'd consider your VERY BEST option out there at this point. IT WORKS!

Good luck, my friend,
All my best,
~MrStrype

Update. Checking the cell phone records at work yesterday, I find out she called OM and had a 38 minute conversation with him. When I questioned her, she denied it. (He texted her his # and she thought it was a different # from the one she had previously used). Finally she admitted it and told me she didn't know what to say. She was concerned about him since finding out about his job.

This really tears my heart out. As you can tell from my last couple of posts, things had been going great. We were getting along, being spontaneous, affectionate, passionate sex. It was like we were falling in love all over again. Then this happens and it is like a dagger through my heart. It takes a lot of trust that someone isn't going to hurt you to be able to open up like I have the past couple of days, and then.... betrayal.

So I guess we were never really out of the withdrawal stage afterall. She swears that the feelings have faded and that she didn't feel the same about him after talking to him yesterday, but I'm not falling for that. She also admitted to trying to call him from a pay phone at work a couple of weeks ago, but the call didn't work.

She wants to just put this behind us and has sworn she will committ to NC this time. Even sent him a text letting him know she is going to fix her marriage and she doesn't want him trying to call or see her again.

I want to get the feeling back I had the past couple of days, but something has changed inside of me. I'm afraid now. What's my best plan? Is this still a Plan A situation? Do I keep my hurt inside and trudge along trying to make her love me? This has really caught me by surprise and I'm king of at a loss for what to do at the moment.

2B1,
I'm really sorry to hear that things took a step backwards. However, I do still think that Plan A is the best possible thing you can be doing right now. Her committing to NC is a good sign. While doing Plan A, keep checking up on her phone records, etc. to insure that her NC is for real. I think you need to be honest with her, too, though. Let her know that you need her complete openness and honesty. You need her to be transparent with you. You need her to let you have all her passwords for her email accounts, voice mail, etc.. And that you'll be checking on her phone records. You have the right to make sure your relationship is going in the right direction and to safe guard your heart. She should NOT take this as a personal attack, but should understand that at this point it's what you need to feel good about the situation. Tell her you love her and that all you ultimately want is to have the best possible marriage with her that you can. And Plan A, Plan A, Plan A!
JMHO,
~MrStrype