Orchid,

Our son is 4. He is beautiful and full of life. I've read some of your threads; you've got a lot going on and you appear to be super strong.

You're right, lying shouldn't be tolerated and I've been so quick to ease the pain for us all at the sake of me. Thank you for your guidance. Each of us has a lot of healing and Brian has a lot of individaul work to do; separate from me. I don't know how this is going to play out; I do know eventually, we're each going to be fine.

A continued thanks to all for the replies and to my W (lpwv). For what it's worth, I'm sorry to all. This is where I'm at: The dishonesty was associated with the affair and the funny thing about it is that since all has come to light, I don't feel the need to anymore. I feel that since she has suffered and endured the greatest lie of all, that I can tell her anything now regardless of what it is. I have disrespected my W. I am very ashamed and embarrassed for that. She is the strong one and I am the emotional one. Just to see her like she is, is heart wrenching. I have ruined our family. I worry about lil chief and how he will be without me being around. I feel like my life is on the cutting board and somebody took a butcher knife to cut it off and say "here...start again". Not sure where that comes from. She says she wants to follow through with DV, and I'm not so sure I shouldn't let it. I love her deeply and just don't want her to hurt anymore. I feel confident about two things. 1) NC with OW and 2) no more dishonesty. But that doesn't fix what has happened. I'm waiting for SAA so that I (we) can send out the NC letter. I lied because the affair was a lie...it felt like it was continuous and I got into such a habit with the lying associated around anything with it. It actually felt like the A ended when I finally told my W and all the lies came out. I spent so much time lying about the affair, I felt that I couldn't stop it. I know I was controlling the situation by not giving her everything. I thought it would be more hurtful than the actual truth. I can't believe I thought that way now. I wish I would've just listened to you folks. I've done NC for several days now (tomorrow will be a week) and feel great about that portion of it. I want my marriage to be a long and lasting one, but I'm afraid I have burned both ends of the stick. I am a good man, but with some terrible flaws...that can be fixed...and I want them fixed. I regret the past year and half spent with the OW. The time wasted, the hurt it caused for everyone concerned. I feel like I am embarrassed beyond belief, which is ok. I was one of those guys that people never thought I would do such a thing...me included. And after going through this and seeing what it has done, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. The sacrafices, the pain and the shattered hearts are much more than I can bear. I told my W today that when you start the A, you don't see that far into the future. You don't see the destruction involved. Now I have and want no part of it! AND I never thought the lies would roll out so easily. You know it's wrong, the A that is, that is why you lie (me). I love my W more than words can say and want her to be happy...just not sure it's going to be with me. I'd like to think so, but she has no reason to stay in this any farther...look at what I have done. Not feeling sorry for myself, just trying, trying to deal with reality a little. I don't want to leave but I've been selfish long enough. I want to make it about her and lil chief and what's best for them. I've asked her to trust me, and I let her down. I ask her to believe in me, and I let her down. She is a DAMN good woman and a very strong one...but I know she has a breaking point in there somewhere. Is there any recovery for us from here? I feel like we could have a GREAT marriage...we have hit on it here and there and know what both of us are capable of doing. We understand each other more and more and the openness has been amazing. Over the last few weeks, even through everything, I felt loved more than ever and I know she felt the same. I've taken her for granted and I just want to hold her and tell her everything is going to be ok. I know the things I want to do, but I know she needs space right now. What's the best thing that I can do right now?

Hi brianwv,

The best thing you can do now, is to be 100% transparent and honest with your W in EVERYTHING you say and do... If your W asks you if you took out the garbage and you didn't, then say you didn't... this may seem small, but if you lie about taking out the garbage, then you'll lie about bigger issues...

ANY lie or omission of the truth or facts will set her back.

Rebuilding your M isn't easy... but it IS possible. Dribbiling out the "truth" is one of the worst things that you can do... if she asks you a question, then tell her EVERYYTHING... withholding small 'details' because you want to 'protect' her feelings will just make her pain worse...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Brian, I truly feel that you "get it" thats a plus. For your W, I so know your pain, its so hard, but this can be fixed.

Brian, right now, you need to show you W that you love her more then anything, do the things you did when you were dating, when you were trying to win her heart and love. If you really love her it will show in the things you do, you can say all day long that you love her, its time for action.

Brian,
You are getting some great advise here and, it would seem, so is your BW on her own thread. I can't add too much to what has been said, except for one little caveat that may seem quite rediculous, but, nonetheless, here it is.

You have (physically) defiled your matital bed by having sex with OW in it. How much of a trigger do think that is to your BW?

Every time she lies in that bed, visions of you and OW will plague her for years, if not decades, to come. It will become the major obstacle to you and your BW to ever restablishing sexual intimacy as your R progrersses.

Furthur, getting rid of it is just one small step in what Dr. H refers to as some form of "just compensation" that you owe your Bw. If my FWW had used my marital bed, I would have dragged it to the back yard, poured gasoline all over it, and had a barnfire for the whole neighborhood see.

IMHO, you should call Salvation Army up to come take your bed, and perhaps the entire bedroom set away. Then go shopping with your BW for a complete new bedroom set, including a new bed.

I think it would be symbolic to your BW, that you are serious about starting fresh, and would give her some level of control again.

This may sound crazy, but it's worth looking into. Otherwise, restablishing SF and intamcy, may be one of your BW"s biggest hangup.

Just my thoughts,

All blessings,
Jerry

Brian, first off, I want to tell you that I know you are a good person. The reason I know this is because a good person feels bad about being bad. Bad people don't care. I know how it is to get caught up in a web of lies and feel unable to get out. Your moral compass has been broken for so long that you have to practice telling the truth. And you can do this. You made it through the first step, which was to get all the lies out in the open.

The next step is to make a conscious decision to stop lying. And yes, you have complete control over this unless you are mentally ill, in which case you should be locked up. But I don't believe you are mentally ill at all. You just have to make a decision to be honest every day.

Right now your wife is hanging on by a thread and needs to hear from you that you are willing to fight for your marriage and do what it takes to save this. It won't do for you to say things like "maybe I should I just move on." Make her feel like this is worth her while. She and your son are the VICTIMS HERE, Brian. Make it worth their while, ok?

Would you please tell her to stay in her thread and would you mind staying in yours? That will make it much easier for the rest of us to keep the story straight. Thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Here is where we are. I went through the entire affair yesterday with her. We have used up the entire weekend talking about this. I went through the physical aspects of the A as well as the emotional. She is confronting me on lies and I backstep and then tell the truth. I informed her that I didn't use a condomn and now she is concerned for her safety. My and my W work together and this morning she went into another office. The conversation last night seemed like it was getting to a mutual place for the purpose of our little boy. She told me that I have disrespected her, lied to her, cheated on her and never looked out for her through any of this...and as of this morning, I have put her in harms way. Now she is distancing herself from me. I agreed to move out this friday. She still has plans of filing for D, but is going to wait a couple of months. I still have been in NC with the OW and don't feel like that will change. I'm losing everything that I ever wanted...I feel like it is slipping right through my fingers. I've never seen her hurt so bad. She doesn't want me to touch her and said that she can't even possibly think about sleeping with me again. I love her so much and have done nothing but show her over and over that I don't. I want her to be better and I'm beginning to think that it is better without me. I'm still in hope that there is some sort of chance with us and I can't give up on us, but I feel that her mind is made up...especially after her knowing the about the PA and that no protection was used. I'm so mad at myself that I can't focus on anything to include work. I have been very selfish through all of this. The A was't worth it! She through her ring out the door and she did go find it, only to put it in her box. That ring represents lies and deceit. I don't believe that she is willing to try anymore. I can't keep doing this...this is a VERY hard day...things are starting to set in...I'll be hitting rock bottom soon. I don't know how to interact with her or what to do. I attempted to rub her back last night since I know that she loves that and she said no. And this morning just seemed to push that door shut even further. My legs are weak and I can't think straight...I've been co-dependent on her for so long and relied on her for my happiness...both traits that I don't like. My world is coming to an end and I can't stop it. PLEASE HELP ME

Not sure what happened about an hour ago, but something just clicked in me. I'm worried about my W. I'm asking for the help and it is her that needs the strength and the help. I told her just a little bit ago that I would try to be out sooner than Friday in order to give her that space for her to heal. She needs this and it's damn well time that I stop relying on her for the marriage and take it into my own hands. I'M NOT GIVING UP ON OUR MARRIAGE! But she does need this. I told her that if she needed to talk, to let me know. She feels that since I'm the one that caused the desctruction, I can't be the one that help her. I still want her to know that I'm there for her. I wasn't for a long time. It's time for me to set my feelings and thoughts to the side for her best interest. If she is better, then lil chief will be better too. I can't believe that I took my ring off for the OW. What a regret this A has been! But you know what? It's time to stand on my own two feet and be there for my W and lil chief...whether she wants me to be or not (for her). I'm a good man with some serious flaws and it's time to make a change. How can she want me the way that I am...time to do something about it!!!! Also, got SAA in the mail today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Anyway, if you have any further advice, please share. By the way...I love you LPWV!

Had some questions from my W that would have been easy to lie about, but I didn't...actually the truth rolled on out and I was so happy about that. It almost put me on a "high" that I was able to do that and since then, I can't come down off of it. This evening, she asked me a serious question and I backslid. She asked me again and I spit out some...asked me again and I gave it to her. The funny thing about it is although it disappointed me that I had done it, it felt like a last time in some sort of way. I want to stay here at home, but I'm afraid that I can't get to be where I need to be while I am here. Maybe if we didn't reconsile like we have in the past, I could stay and I could still recover. But I'm afraid that my W won't be able to heal and that is the most important thing right now. She spoke of thinking about starting up with another man sometime down the road as a fresh start, since there is so much "baggage" with this relationship. Although it bumped me pretty hard to hear it, I can't rely on her for my happiness. I'm still fighting for it!!! And I am still looking for some help.

Brian, you had better NOT move out. Stay there and tell her you will DO WHAT IT TAKES TO HELP HER HEAL. Don't you DARE LEAVE. Stay there and fight for your marriage.

Moving out will make it very hard to EVER recover and increases the risk of divorce. You cannot recover a marriage IF YOU AREN'T THERE.

But what about her healing process? How can I give her the space to allow her to heal through this? Especially if she is saying that she doesn't want it anymore...that she doesn't want that kind of love (lies)?

How can you heal your marriage if you ARE NOT THERE??? Do you intend on doing this through OSMOSIS?

Your wife has received a traumatic BLOW and is very distraught. She is saying she doesn't want it today because she is ANGRY. Her moods will change by the minute. STAY there and ride it out. You are HER HUSBAND, you should not abandon your wife in her time of need. Stay there and heal your marriage, ok?

Then you better get to work convincing her that you are WORTH THE TROUBLE and will do what it takes to save your marriage BECAUSE SHE MEANS THE WORLD TO YOU and YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER. <------go tell her this

She says that I am forcing myself on her by staying here and not giving her the right to make a decision. That she doesn't want a marriage with someone that has done all the things to her that I have...she can seek out someone else. She said it disgusts her to even think about sleeping with me. It appears that she is heavily, heavily, leaning towards moving on. She says that it takes two people to want to heal a marriage...and she doesn't want to. She's afraid that I will manipulate the situation and that the possibility of me doing it again is very good...that by her staying in this it shows that she has tolerated the A and what kind of message would that send to our son. Although the fog was there at one time, my family means the world to me. I've lied and that shows her that I don't care about my family.

Stay there and fight for her. She is very angry and very hurt. She is testing you to see how committed you are to recovering this marriage. If you bail this easy, then she will know you are not serious. Just keep telling her she means the world to you and you don't want to lose her.

That's the thing...not so sure she is testing me. She don't usually play that kind of game. I don't plan on bailing at all. NC letter is going out in the mail tomorrow. She reviewed it and she will put it in the mail.

Just ride it out, Brian. Go ask her if you can please hug her..

Wish I could. She already went to bed. I know her well enough that she would definately pull away from me for even thinkin it, much less trying it. I bought her a separate SAA book to read. We were negotiating me staying here and having some sort of structure in place...where she could have personal time and got most of the way through it. Lil chief will be back here tomorrow evening (been with mom) so not sure where that will leave things. But I'm not going to pressure her or crowd her. We will see what kind of day tomorrow will be. I love you lpwv!

NC letters are going out today...3 to her (both home and work) and 2 to her ex (both home and work). She has all of them and will address the envelopes and put in the mail. She asked me if i had anything else that the OW had given me and I pulled out 2 jackets...giving them to the homeless. She asked me to take the comforter off of the bed to the salvation army, so I took it out there at midnight last night. I was gonna take it sooner, but was trying to get to storage before they closed. She still seems a little angry today, but said that she felt better...not sure how she will be the rest of the day, but I am hanging strong. She asked me more questions and the truth rolled right out :-). Gonna go get lil chief this evening together (45 min drive). Can't wait to see him! Still talking about if I am staying at the house or not...working on a "plan".

Update. W is leaning very hard towards DV and has asked that I move out...she needs space and can't do it with me there. She asks that I respect her wishes on this action. I have agreed to move somewhere, but will still be spending quite a bit of time there (leaving about 830Pm and coming back at around 7 am). I gave her all access to everything and I changed my cell number and blocked all texts, changing positions to ensure no contact with OW via work. B4 i did, the OW texted me and I showed my W...didn't reply. NC for week and a half. Something tells that although she hasn't fully made up her mind, she is leaning heavily towards one side. There was a big blowout last night when I told her that i had taken her off of email notification with my bank (not off of the account). She got angry and said she was filing (although she had changed her password to her account). I believe I crossed over her threshold with everything and have no further shot at this...but I'm still hanging strong! I bought her a copy of SAA (hasn't opened it) and she hasn't posted on here for several days (lpwv). I still plan on fighting for my family, but how can I do it one sided if the other person no longer wants you?