will you send her to her thread so we can speak to her? Moving out is a bad idea if she intends on working the marriage.

Not sure she wants to work on it. She told me a little bit ago that she wished she would've never married me and regretted the marriage. Then said that she don't regret it. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. I want to show her that I respect what she wants (by moving out). I want to stay in our home with our family too. She had a hard night...we put up the christmas tree. She lent a hand here and there, not much involvement and broke down a couple of times. I'm starting to get really down about leaving, but tried not to show it in front of lil chief. I miss my babydoll (lpwv)...tonight should have been a fun night. I feel like not only did I lose my family, I caused her to lose hers too.

I think it would be better for both of you if you didn't do that. That kind of "respect" is not going to help the situation, but HARM it. She needs to see how hard you are willing to fight for her. Saying you will "respect her wishes" by willingly moving out doesn't tell me you are fighting too hard. She needs to see that, Brian.

First of all I need to take the time to tell everyone that has attempted to help and provide guidance that I am deeply sorry for the "image" and continuous lies that I portrayed in order to seek help. Not only did I lie to lpwv, I lied to members on here. I manipulated the situation in order to seek a different outcome. I can't back up time and rub the lamp for something else. I'm packing my things and moving out this evening. We had some talk last night and right now I have to ride on faith and hope and trust that our love is strong enough to get through this. MelodyLane - this "respect" will help in the long run. It's the lack of respect (among other things) for her that has gotten me where I am and the least I can do is show her that "I hear her...I'm listening to you" and that there is respect there. I'm not giving up and I am going to fight for her. But by me staying there, that is forcing her...she doesn't work that way. At one time, I didn't work that way either. There comes a time to where you have to turn over the reigns to a higher power and see where he takes you. I don't want to "convince" her, I want her to be with me because she wants to be. I "convinced" her another time, in the very beginning and if I would have had faith and trust in us, we would have been in a better place together now. If I force it, that is me trying to control the situation and there has been entirely too much of that throughout this marriage. I love her very much and I miss being close to her and talking to her about our life. If it had been any other woman, I would say that I agree with you about showing her that I was committed. Lpwv doesn't operate that way. You see, I love her for those things that make her different, I just didn't understand it. She don't need to see me sitting across from her...she needs to see changes in me...actions that show her that I love her and most importantly, she needs to see a man that can ENHANCE her life rather than hinder it. Am I too late, maybe...but I'm not going to rely on her to determine what actions that I take from this point forward! I hope you understand.

Ok folks. After everything has come to a head, I am moving out. Not sure where to go here. I guess I just don't understand what is going on. I made changes (still a lie here and there, but corrected) to my job, phone, haven't contacted the OW for over 3 weeks. Usually it's the one that has been betrayed that wants to stay in the marriage and it seems that I (the one that betrayed) am the one wanting to stay instead of her. I have plans in place and being proactive in fixing problems with me (counselor 2-3 days a week). She says that I'm not remorseful although I have went into great depth to say I'm sorry and how cruel and destructive that I have been. What can I do now?

Mel has not been posting for the past few days. I am not anywhere near the quality poster that Mel is, but would it be possible for you to stay in your home, but set up a spot for yourself a little out of her way?, like the basement or a tent in the yard? I know Mel was advising you not to leave your home. You are very early into the recovery stage and it is very normal for your wife to be very upset still. Her feelings are very normal. If there is any way that you can gently show her that you want to re-build your marriage and stay in your home, it would be a good idea. How about a tent, or is there a back porch where you could set yourself up? Probably not a good idea to set it up where all the neighbors would see and wonder what is going on as that kind of exposure is not what "exposure" is all about.

Is your wife still willing to post on her thread?

Hi brian,

Harley will recommend separation under conditions where there may be issues with substance abuse or domestic violence. It's not impossible to recover a marriage from these circumstances, but it does mean you both need to stick to a plan for dealing with it.

If you're moving out, would your wife agree to talk to the Harley's once or twice to set up a plan regarding reconcillation? It seems like you need to do an excellent job with the NC, work on your own LB issues, and meet any EN's that your wife will allow you to meet (seeing that she's asked for the separation, there may not be a lot right now). You need to be patient---to try to get on the same page with your wife. And you cannot, absolutely cannot slip up with regards to no contact. You've used up your chances here.

Have you asked her what true remorse looks like to her?

Are you apologizing (I'm sorry) or are you repenting (I am asking for your forgiveness and what I can do to make recompense)?

I have apologized repeatedly and told her what I am sorry for (destruction, lying, loss of time, among many other things). I haven't asked for forgiveness and don't feel that I should at this time. I have moved out and only stayed at the other place one night. We have been close and affectionate and I can tell she wants to spend time with me...but we are taking it one day at a time. This weekend she tells me that I need not to stay over as often and to give her the space she needs to think things through and not to initiate the affection, but that she would if/when she felt the need to. Things have been great and she switches gears on me. I agreed to it and being patient. She has seemed very distant the last couple of days even though I have met her #1 need-honesty. She said that she is leaning heavily towards divorce. I have changed phone numbers, jobs, sent NC letters (she mailed them), NC with OW for over a month, been patient, answered hundreds of questions without being defensive and answering completely (no omitting), going to counseling and taking actions every day to improve myself and doing things to try to make her day better. Since New Years Eve, we have taken it day by day and things have been good...not forgotten, but good. She doesn't wear her ring because she says those vows are broken. Thats fine..bothered me a little, but still fine. She also says that she is still my wife, technically. I am not to ask her where she goes, what time she will be back or what she is doing, talking to or what her plans are. I thought we were on somewhat of a "path" the last week, but it appears that this isn't the path she wants to be on. She says she doesn't know where our marriage is going, but knows that we will be ok whether together or separate. That sends mixed messages to me somehow. Am I missing something or is this the place where I continue to be patient? I know it takes 2 for a marriage/relationship, but it feels like only one at this juncture. Any advice is appreciated

How do you get any time with your son?



Do you not see or talk to her at all during the other days of the week? Have you considered inviting her out for dinner for the two of you or perhaps a family outing that would include your son?

What things are you doing that would be on your Plan A listf? Do you have a plan going or are you winging it?

I moved my stuff to mom and dad's, but have only stayed one night over there. The rest of the time I've spent at our home with her and my son. A couple of times it has been just her and I, but I've spent a great deal of time with my son. I see her everyday and talk to her everyday. She informed me last night that she doesn't want me anymore because of what I've done and what I've been. I'm changing for the better everyday and continue to show her actions that match that. But she is moving on without me because of what has happened. She said "too little, too late". I'm focusing on fixing me a majority of the day and when I ask her about "us" she says that I need to focus more on me because she is focusing on what she needs to do. Our son has suffered tremendously with us going through this and I'm committing to taking that out of the situation and show him that he is very important. No Plan A in place. I'm on chapter 10 in the book...I guess I haven't gotten that far. She has read a majority of the book too and says it is for when both people wants to get through to make a great marriage and that she don't want it any longer.

MelodyLane - could use some of your help/guidance please!!! She didn't want me to stay at the house anymore overnight, but I ended up staying anyway. Once for me while I was rubbing her head and it was late. She asked me to stay the other night because she wanted to go into work early the next morning...she wanted me to stay for her to go in early, not because SHE wanted me to. Is this the resentment stage? She is playing with full control and if I speak about anything about not divorcing, she terminates the conversation. I don't understand what's going on...I'm doing everything that I possibly can to show her and she is still heading in the same direction.