I posted once before regarding my husband of 14years, who had a workplace affair that I discovered through our cell phone bill. If you recall my post, I was convinced that my situation was probably the worst ever heard. Following that painful trauma, I began poking around the way I should have done all these years, and uncovered yet another surprise.

When H and I were first dating, there was a vicious ex-girlfriend in his old neighborhood who was absolutely furious that H planned to marry me! This troublemaker went on to create all sorts of problems for us - lies, rumors, faked pregnancies, blackmail, etc...all to no avail. Our wedding went on as planned, but I soon leartned that she wasn't done with him - or me.

After one particularly vicious verbal attack from her a week after we wed, I told H that I want him to get her to back off and to have nothing more to do with her. H dialed her number and proceeded to angrily tell her off (but did he really dial her number?) then hung up and vowed to me that he would never speak to her again as long as he lived. Stupid, honest, trusting me - I believed him. For 14 years.

Fast forward to DDay#1, not long ago, when I discovered H's workplace affair with the coworker that I previously posted about. I vowed then to thoroughly question and examine EVERYTHING H says, does, calls and carries from that day on.

So one day, I popped up unexpectedly at H's workplace and asked to look through his locker. He balked, but I wouldn't let up until he opened it. In there, I found a card from - you guessed it - his troublesome old girlfriend from 14yrs ago! He had switched jobs twice since we got married, and yet, a current card from her was tucked away neatly on the top shelf of his locker. I almost died right there on the spot. I was still grieving over his first affair with some nobody co-worker - but now this? I thought we were rid of that parasite 14yrs ago. Apparently not.

Needless to say, a huge fight erupted right there at the job, with him swearing that he bumped into her accidentally when he'd go to watch his buddies play ball up in his old neighborhood (that's funny, how come I was never invited to come along?) and she forced her card on him. Oh? Did she force him to take it home with him? Did she force him to conceal it from me? Did she force him to bring it to work the next day and to hide in his locker? The ridiculous excuses he gave were absolutely pathetic.

I demanded to know if he saw her regularly throughout our marriage, but he denied it. I reminded him that he SWORE when we got married that he'd never even TALK to her again, and asked why he didn't mention their meeting to me, but he lamely explained it was because I would've made a big fuss over it. The whole story sounded like total bull to me, so I decided to go a step further. I told H that I want to go with him up to his old neighborhood - a place he had not taken me to in 14 YEARS - to stroll around and see if we saw some of his old friends. He kicked like a mule, but eventually gave in, nervous as a cat. I wondered why....but not for long.

We strolled up and down a few blocks, and he waved to a few fellas here and there. Then, about midway up the next block, a woman burst out of an apartment building, ran toward me and grabbed me by the throat, screaming You bi***! Get the f*** away from my boyfriend! Get the f*** out of my neighborhood! over and over. In shock, I pulled back to get out of her grip, only to recognize her as my H's old girlfriend! I ran for my life, while she chased me, screaming like a maniac. Apparently, this delusional madwoman was convinced that my H was separated from me for years and that SHE was still his girlfriend! And why not? My H certainly did nothing to convince her otherwise. He carried on a physical and emotional relationship with her throughout the entire length of our marriage, and never ONCE brought me around their old neighborhood. Never once. She was convinced that I was out of the picture for years.

I phoned the police a few blocks away and proceeded to press charges against her for assault, amid the protests of my loving, protective husband - who had the gall to beg me not to have her arrested! Was I dreaming? This liar tricked me and cheated on me for 14yrs while I faithfully and trustingly waited on him hand and foot. And even after I forgave him for the one affair already, instead of showing loyalty to me now - he's begging me - while I'm standing there bleeding in a police station following his girlfriends' attack - to not get HER in trouble! That was it. If you recall my first post, I was certain that was the worst it could ever get, but this tops them all.

I'm just wondering... What's your take on all of this?

Do you think this type of man could have ever loved his wife? multiple choice, up to 1 choices
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 12/08/07 01:15 AM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

Do you think a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that has lasted this long ever stands a chance of ending? multiple choice, up to 1 choices
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 12/08/07 01:15 AM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

Do you think that a man who refuses to give up his girlfriend after he marries is marrying for reasons other than love? multiple choice, up to 1 choices
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 12/08/07 01:15 AM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

So what are you going to do?

L.

ILMS2,

This is a very difficult situation, and way too full of drama, of course, what could you do, considering the situation, and you not knowing for so long.

Have you read this site? Do you want to save your marriage?

You can get a lot of help here, get rid of the poll, and get some help from the wise people here.

You will get a lot of various opinions, sort them out and figure what is healthiest for you.

I am very concerned that your WS (wayward spouse) has committed adultery virtually the whole time you have been married.

Do you have children? Do you want to save your marriage? Yeah, I know I asked TWICE!!LOL!!

Please discontinue the poll and post your story as is. I can guarantee you will receive help here.

Please read up on this site and understand what we are all about here.

Weekends can be a bit slow, so hang in there.

You are WORTHY.

God Bless,
Love in Christ,
Miss M

I'm having a very difficult time picturing a woman flying out of her house and physically attacking another woman as she is walking down the street with her husband.

I really can't picture it. Because I can't picture it, I really can't respond further.

But I wish you well.

Best wishes,

ILOVE, do you have children? What is your situation now and where is your husband?

And kudos to you for finding out the truth! Sorry you got hurt in the process. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

After reading your first post about your infertility treatments, I would DUMP this guy in a hurry.

I don't know your age, but if you REALLY want a child, you could adopt - or even go to a sperm bank and pick out a donor. I think you would have a better father that way.

Get some counseling if you need it to UNLOAD him.

Fourteen years is a long time, and if my husband hasn't been able to walk away from his old girlfriend in all this time, it's very unlikely that he ever will.

This was a CHOICE my husband made, and we make choices based on our DESIRES. Apparently, his desire to screw around with her - as early as 2 weeks after our honeymoon - was stronger than his desire to be faithful to his wife. So am I wrong to believe that he probably never loved me in the first place? His inability to leave her after all these years simply underlines his undying love for her, and that blatant display of loyalty toward her instead of me at the police station following her savage attack just proves it all the more.

At this point, I am thoroughly convinced that he loves her and despises me, and probably always has. I recall rumors spread by this woman years ago that my husband was only marrying me for my money, but I dismissed them as just some more of her jilted anger toward me. Shortly after learning H was still involved with her, I thought perhaps my husband might have just told her that at the time to justify his marriage to me without further angering her. But now, I'm convinced that he indeed married me for my money and confided this to her so he wouldn't lose her. It's all starting to make sense now. All of it.

I have filed divorce papers but have not served them on my husband. By serving them, I feel I would be playing right into his girlfriends game, which has always been to break up my marriage to "her boyfriend". And although the marriage is basically over already, in a mere act of defiance, I refuse to give her what she's wanted all these years - the satisfaction of knowing that her relentless efforts have been successful. Yes, I am human anough to admit that I will get a great deal of satisfaction NOT giving that troublemaking trollop the thing she's wanted all along. So despite all her efforts all these years, and to her dismay, I'll still have the ability to stand in the way of her misguided fantasy of living "happily ever after" with my husband.

If what you've said you've felt about your H's choice to M you is true, then I think that the best "revenge" you can have on the trollop is to D your H and let her have him.

I've considered that, but opted against it for two reasons:
For one, she's "had" him all the while, she just needs to see that she can wrestle him away from me to convince herself that she's a better woman than I. How typically insecure. You'd be surprised how many women like her suffering from low self-esteem will only date married men just for this "power struggle" with the wife. Once they get the man to divorce, however, notice how many of these women will dump him immediately after? This particular woman was already an EX-girlfriend of my H for years UNTIL she learned that he was to marry me. Then - like magic - she suddenly became interested in him again and was obsessed with breaking us up. Classic, textbook OW behavior.

Secondly, since it's pretty clear that my H only married me for the money, he will wind up with half of my money and NONE of the headaches or responsibilities of being married anymore. What a sweet deal! Marry a rich girl, start screwing your old GF secretly and continuously for 14yrs immediately following your honeymoon, and then get rewarded with big bucks AND the GF in the end! Now instead of sneaking around with her or making excuses for all the missing money from the accounts, he can flaunt her in my face while I bankroll the whole thing! What a deal! Well, not if I can help it. The both of them are counting on my seeking a D, but I've done enough for both of them already. They'll get NOTHING from me ever again, including a divorce. Nothing.

What an awful story. However, I guess I don't understand why you're posting. Are you wanting help to rebuild your marriage? Just to vent? What's the deal?

Hide your money and hide it good. Off shore.

Ilove, I have always scratched my head at women like that. I think some women are just destined to be cockroaches who only get the crumbs that fall off the table. Their lot in life is to get the leftovers from the tables of real women. BY CHOICE.

For example, at my dad's funeral 2 yrs ago, his "girlfriend" of "5" years [I always wondered how a terminally ill man can get a "girlfriend" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />] brought me a picture and tearfully asked if i would display it at my dad's funeral. "Sure Judy, just leave it there." [Keep in mind here this woman is SINGLE, NEVER MARRIED with no kids.] I looked at the picture later and it was a picture of her and my dad at one of his Winners Circle wins [quarter horse racing, he was a race horse owner] from 1979!! **thud**

My father was married to wife #5 in 1979 and she happened to come to town for the funeral. She was #5 out of 8.

All this time I thought she was a RECENT girlfriend. So, I take the picture to wife #5, who was in town for the funeral and asked her this question. She said "honey, that was your daddy's mistress for 30 years."

The mistress never married, she was just my dad's mistress for all those lonely years. And when we cleaned out his place, I found a huge drawer full of Judy's cards she had sent him over the years.....UNOPENED! I suspect he would dump her whenever he got married and she would send him thse cards and he would just toss them in the drawer. Then when he got tired of his current wife,[he was married 8 time] he would see Judy again.

She was just available to be used by him all those years. And he called her up in the last years of his life to take care of him while he was dying. She finally got him when he was half dead and wacked out on pain medication. That was her life. Waiting around for some crumbs..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I asked her why she never married anyone else all those years and she said: "weeeeeeeeeeell" she drawled, "this attorney asked me to marry him once but your daddy didn't think it would be a good idea."

*thud*

My God. Thank you, MelodyLane, for taking the time to post those thought-provoking words. You have helped me more than you know.

Although I recognize that my H's OW clearly falls into the classic "insecure/low self-esteem/homewrecker" category, I neglected to see her in the light that you outlined above. In my outrage after discovering the A, I failed to view her as a pathetic little "cockroach" eating my crumbs. I kept thinking of her as the defiant troublemaker who developed a severe hatred toward me the moment she met me and who's tried everything to wrench my H away from me ever since. Until now, I didn't consider the mental problems that most likely caused her to be that way.

Oddly, it was my H, of all people, who actually tried to clue me in. At the time of our marriage - as well as just recently - he pointed out that this sad little woman felt immensely "outshined" by me in every way. She was common, uneducated, abused drugs and alcohol, disrespected herself and her body, and allowed every man she came in contact with to disrespect her as well. I was the complete opposite: I was a college graduate, never drank or took drugs, had high morals and demanded the same from the men in my life. Back when we were courting, I do recall my H proudly boasting about me to all his friends - one of which was OW - often pointing out my clean lifestyle, academic achievements, etc. Perhaps that's why OW felt so inferior to me and lashed out so viciously, desperate to convince herself that she was on "even keel" with me and thus, had the power to pull my H away from me whenever she chose. How sad it must have been to be her, running like a hamster in a wheel, frantically trying for a prize that she couldn't even qualify to win.

So all along, I kept thinking of the pain she caused me - but after applying your cockroach/crumb theory, I can only feel pity for her now, considering the anguish of her empty little life and the misguided joy she got from those few "crumbs" of stolen time spent with my H. So although I certainly don't owe that parasite any sympathy, at least by understanding her pain, I feel less outrage over the A when viewing it from the angle you pointed out.

I began feeling a bit better about things a few days ago, but then I started thinking a little further into this.

True, the mistress in the case above was basically the "cockroach" and the 8 wives were respectfully his wives. But - if this situation is viewed from another angle, we would be forced to see the mistress as the only "constant" in all those years. That says a lot about the mistress.

In other words, a man made 8 different women his wife at one time or another, but eventually, he DID move on from one to the next. His mistress, however, was kept by his side by his own choice, even after each wife was cast aside. The mistress was never cast aside. From what I've read, he didn't go back to any of the old wives, but he did go back to the mistress time and time again. So if he felt more strongly about his wives than about his mistress - why was he able to successfully walk away from all of them, but was never able to walk away from the mistress for good?

So when I read about a man who lived a full, rich life with many wives, but STILL kept ONE woman by his side throughout it all, it makes me wonder if there are circumstances where some men simply cannot let go of their OW, no matter what.

This really frightens me, because I was on the brink of feeling somewhat better about my H's long-term A with his old GF until I re-thought the situation. I'm afraid to even consider moving on with him, even though he's swearing up and down that he will never rekindle their 'thing' ever again, is now exhibiting complete transparency, etc. Regardless, at this point, I'd feel foolish even entertaining the mere thought of it.

Am I being overly critical here? Am I thinking into this thing too much? What do you think? I really appreciate and value everyones' opinion here.


~Sally

Depending on where you live, he may not get half. Get a shark for an attorney, if he spent any money on her, he was spending marital assets. He/she is responsible for repaying you that money. Get a fiscal attorney to dive into every transaction he's ever made, etc. Just my thoughts.

It says nothing good, though. Nor was she "constant." She was in and out of his life because he kicked her aside throughout the 30 yrs in favor of his current love interest. He wouldn't even claim her as a "girlfriend" and acted embarrassed by her when we asked WHO she was. He called her "just an old friend." But he would tell you that wife #5 was the "love of my life." He never expressed feelings like that for Judy.


YEs, she was cast aside. She was cast aside over and over and over again. She was never good enough to be a wife. She was only the occasional stand in.


He was always able to walk away from her and DID. The reason he didn't go back to any of his wives is because they wouldn't TAKE HIM BACK. He only called Judy back up when he needed someone to clean his toilet and make him tacos. He said he liked her tacos but she got on his nerves.

He would tolerate her presence for a couple of months then tell her to beat it when she annoyed him too much. She would send him endless cards that he would throw in a drawer and never read.

Then when he got hungry for tacos or needed someone to come clip his toenails he would call her up and let her hang out until he tired of her again.


He had a terrible life and died a miserable, shameful wreck without a penny to his name. He used this woman as toilet paper for 30 years, Sally. He never loved her. He could get married at the drop of the hat, but she was never worth that much to him.

When she finally did get him, he was a broken down, old, improverished man who was on deaths door and couldn't even take care of his own toilet needs.

Sally, I think you have romanticized this story out of all proportion, really. This is not a romantic story, but a story of grief, and sadness, and failure and loss and shame. I don't know if your marriage has hope or not, but I will tell you that my father did not love his mistress, he just used her. He was a user, not a lover. He didn't care enough to ever marry her and was horrified at the thought.

Perhaps I did "over romanticize" the story about your Dad and his OW. All I saw at first was that she seemed to be the 'constant', but after you added those details about their relationship, I can see now exactly what type of role she played in his life. And yes, you're right, it wasn't an admirable one, but more of a relationship based on convenience on his part, and desperation on her part.

I had my H read all of these responses with me. We've been communicating pretty well the past few days, and some surprising things came to light.

Although H carried on with both OW's concurrently at times throughout the M, each A had specific characteristics which shed a lot of light on why they took place in the first place. No, I am by no means "making excuses" for H, who was wrong - and readily admits that he was wrong in every aspect of his association with these women. I do, however, understand things a lot better than I had, and this new understanding is finally replacing that agonizing anger and fear which many of us have become all too familar with since DDay.

This recent surprise "Dday" with H's madwoman ex-GF was not something new, but instead, something old that had already been over since I found out about H's workplace EA over a year ago - the A that I originally posted about. Since that time, H has willingly done everything he could to repair the M, including going to IC and MC, attending our Church's weekly mens' support group, being totally transparent, AND discontinuing his association with not only his co-worker OW, but his obsessed ex-GF too.

I've recently learned through court testimony that this jealous ex-GF was furious that H abruptly stopped talking to her and would literally ignore her when he saw her in the street, which she explained is what set off her violent attack when she finally saw us together. Apparently in her twisted little mind, she thought that H "went back to me" and that was why he no longer wanted her. Indirectly, she was right - only not in the 'fantasyland' way that SHE saw it. H just chose to finally sweep all the trash out of his life and focus on the M. Had I not heard this madwoman ex-GF testify to this in court, I probably would not believe a word H says about ending their association, regardless of all the measures he's been taking to repair the M.


~Sally