MelodyLane also posted this:

"Aranchaa, another very important element here is the fact that your H travels for a living. That will make recovery impossible unless you travel with him. Traveling jobs are invitations to adultery. The condition that led to adultery will have to be removed in order to recover the marriage.

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misplaced compassion gives power to EVIL.....

Selective "compassion" is the sign of an agenda, rather than a compassionate person"

Then MelodyLane added:

"Don't forgive or promise forgiveness unless it is contingent upon JUST COMPENSATION, Aranchaa. It is not in either of your best interest to do so. Promise only to give him the opportunity to EARN IT.

--------------------
misplaced compassion gives power to EVIL.....

Selective "compassion" is the sign of an agenda, rather than a compassionate person"

For it being the weekend and your giving the impression you were only starting a thread to talk to two specific posters, you got a pretty good response so far. IMHO it would accomplish nothing to start another thread - just change the title on this one - trust me any problems you may have with this thread will just invade any new thread you start too... I'm not exactly sure how to change the title because I have never done that myself but I've noticed that other posters do it.

Then you could post some specific questions you want help with so we can help you.

thanks again meremortal. i do think it'd be a good idea to start a new thread, not sure yet. what happens to me when i post is this. i start writing and if i spend too long, the computer doesnt let me post it and the post i spent so long writing just dissapears. i think when u write for too long the internet desconects itself. does anybody know what can i do about this?

I want to qualify what I said, because re-reading it now I see where it could be misinterpreted...

I meant make sure he knows that you can and will forgive him IF HIS BEHAVIOR CHANGES. He has no right to expect anything different. And of course, you do not have to forgive him, that is your right, too.

Thanks for letting me clarify. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i will not post another thread until i get some advise from somebody on how can i post without being disconected. i've tried too many times.
I have a question, maybe somebody out there could tell me how can i get an appointment with the Harleys by phone.\
Thanks a lot guys, ur all great. I hope i can help some people myself soon, when i get out a bit of my own crisis...

Hi Aranchaa:

I think I know about that problem you are having when the computer won't let you post your message. Does it say something like the form is no longer valid? If so it's because you've been sort of timed out (when writing a longer post). All you have to do is select and copy what you wrote, click on your computer screen's back arrow, then reply to the thread again, and paste your message into the new reply wondow, and THEN click on 'continue' to post it before you start adding more and get timed out again LOL

thanks a lot meremortal. will try tomorrow.

Sorry I have not responded much Aranchaa, however, I see many other vets whose understanding of MB is much more complete than mine attempting to help you. I am a relatively newly BS and while I have spent much time here I am far from a vet or expert (self proclaimed or otherwise!). However, I am happy to provide my amatuer opinion.

I don't do drama here, its just not why I come here and I didn't feel like filtering through all the crap your thread has generated. I may try again tomorrow focusing only on what you have posted, as I know the drama is not your fault and if you want my opinion, for whatever reason, then I will oblige.

I wish you the best!

Bumping for Aranchaa

Aranchaa, can you tell your whole story? Perhaps in a new thread uncluttered with all these arguments? If you're having trouble being disconnected type your post into a word processor then copy and paste them, I do that if its going to be a long post.

Hi Tyk,

She already has several threads now, I think this is the only one 'cluttered with arguments', and one thread she started herself specifically TO discuss the 'fraud' debate.

I guess all we can do is wait for her to respond to us on one of the threads that already exist for her.

Hi Aranchaa,

Glad to see you back.

Have you read all the advice posted to you in this thread so far? There has been some good info posted here for you by posters who have been BS's themselves.

Aranchaa,

I noticed in one of your threads saying you weren't sure if you could do a Plan A, and something else about sometimes acting/speaking in an angry way towards your husband.

IMHO telling your WH how you feel regarding his behavior, NOT hiding how you feel and just pretending to not be hurt, will actually help you stop LB'ing him.

You need to confront him with the fact that his behavior is hurtful to you AND you need to Plan A him.

Plan A is not about just pretending there's nothing wrong and trying to compete with the OW so that your WH has more fun with you then with them!

That of course will just leave you feeling even more angry and even less like meeting his needs!

Telling him his behavior is harming you and your marriage is the very thing that will help you do a good Plan A without feeling like a doormat.

If it's easier for you to tell him how hurt you are in a letter than in person, if you need to do it that way so it doesn't turn into an argument and LB'ing that write down your feelings of hurt and then give it to him to read.

Please reread the messages from the vets who have posted inthis thread about whether or nto you shoudl hide your hurt from him. They know what they are talking about.

Aranchaa -

I was thinking about your situation today and wanted to pass this on to you:

I read somewhere that the positive things you say to another should outnumber the negative things 4 to 1.

So while you do need to inform your WH of how deeply hurtful his actions are, you don't want those discussions to be mostly what your communicaitons with him are.

Maybe it woudl help to picture a scale with ones side collecting the times you tell him how hurt you feel and the other side collecting how often you talk about positive things? And although it might seem more effective to NEVER mentioning how badly his actions make you feel, it might be scary to tell him because you know the OW are trying to make everything so fun and carefree for him, you have to let him know.

Here's another visual: Imagine a horizontal line segment with the far left end being your hurt and anger, things you might sometimes be afraid to show him; and the right end of the line is the positive, romantic stuff that you need to say to him meet his emotional needs and to make your marriage happy and healthy. Now picture the line divided into five equal parts and a point one-fifth the way down the line, closer to the left/negative endpoint. About there is where your conversations with your husband should be: most of them on the positive side but there still has to be some dealing with the issues and problems.

I hope this makes sense to you... sorry if not.