I have posted here several times before kind of off and on for the past year. A shortened version of my story: Married 14 years, 2 children, husband wanted sex all the time—I did not. He had an A with a younger(much younger) woman. He told me about it only after OW’s boyfriend confronted her about it. He was afraid I would find out from someone else and supposedly thought I deserved better than to hear it from another------right.

OW was a co-worker and contact continued w/out my knowledge for a year after A was revealed. WS swears they only talked every couple of weeks. I am very doubtful of anything he claims. A little over a year after DDay I overheard WS making plans to meet OW on an out-of –town business trip. I confronted him , he denied it. I stupidly revealed how I knew about it(I was eavesdropping secretly from behind the building---I was suspicious about the way he kept looking at the house like he was watching for me to come out). So finally he admits to making plans to meet her but says he really doesn’t think anything would have happened(he thinks I’m really stupid I guess). He then swore on our girls’ life that he had not been physical with her since the A was revealed to me.

Part of me believed him. I really wanted to. Even though the plans were interrupted, the betrayal was even worse than when he told me about the A. I thought everything was going so good with us. He has never understood how I could be so upset about it if nothing happened. He says “ I didn’t even do anything.” I tell him that he would have, but he says he doesn’t think anything would have happened.

Anyway—not a very shortened version but I wanted to give my background. My situation now, nearly a year a 9 months after dday, is that he is very different sexually. Prior to A he constantly wanted it. After A I was attacking him for almost a year. He participated, but seldom initiated. He has told me that he doesn’t think about it all the time like he used to and that he doesn’t even think about it with other women like he used to. I have backed off considerably as far as my aggressiveness.

From what I read here and from my previous posts, it appears that he has either symptoms of withdrawal or NC has been broken. I just don’t know that either of these apply. He has seen and spoken to OW in passing(again supposedly) and has told me about it. I, however, have suspicions about how long they talked and whether he has told me of everytime they have had contact. I am still very distrusting of him. I realize that this is breaking NC, but he isn’t trying to run in to her. Back to my concerns---- He says that he thinks it’s just an age thing(about his sexual desire), but I don’t believed he has “aged” that much over the course of 20 months. He is very loving, more so than before the A. He likes to cuddle and be close to me whereas before that meant he wanted sex. He says that he feels satisfied with that now. I feel like he misses OW or maybe their time together was so great that we can never live up to that. Maybe he isn’t attracted to me sexually since OW. He of course says that he isn’t thinking about OW or anyone else. He says that he just doesn’t have the desire for sex with anyone. So, what do you make of this?

To be blunt, he wrecked his Ferrari (keep in mind that the skank was only a ferrari in his mind). Now that he's left with only the family station wagon with fake wood paneling on the side, going for a joyride just isn't the same.

That, or he's got no fuel left in the tank because he's used it all with OW.

Any WS, male or female, that has the nerve to destroy everything for sex with someone else then cause sexual issues at home after the fact, is a piece of crap.

Do you think he'd still have a lack of desire if he was in a hotel room with OW? Would be be satisfied by cuddling with her?

I completely disagree with Krazy's post.

I find it discouraging and crushing to the hope you were looking for AND is possible. Of course, he's entitled to his opinion (this is a discussion board)...I'm just sorry that he can't keep his rants to himself. Your husband CAN become a better man than he ever was previously and he'll need your help and support to get there.

First...your husband has to actually become a FWH. That means he MUST have no contact for life. It sounds like he has been allowed (and chosen to continue) working with and around OW. Even visual contact is still contact. He must quit his job and look for employment elsewhere before recovery can even commence.

Due to waiting so long for NO CONTACT, you have BOTH set your recovery back immensely. You are expecting and wanting what some of us here have....a recovered/recovering marriage and you just seem to be stalling. Well, no contact has been skipped.

Sex life in a recovered marriage CAN end up better, but recovery needs to be a team effort. Your husband shouldn't be upset with you in the least for "spying" on him. HE should understand you'd be a fool to trust him. He should WANT to demonstrate and verify his trustworthiness. Honest people hide nothing from their spouse. Thus, besides 'no contact", I'd say you've got a problem with transparency and until he's WAY on board with MB principles I'd recommend you maintain a system of super snooping on his butt. Always confirm that his actions do in fact match his words. Someday...and you'll know when...you'll be able to share the snooping you did on him openly and honestly and he SHOULD thank you for it...that YOU care enough about him and the marriage to protect it.

A far as "desire". It did take my wife some months to reregister that sex with me was biblically beautiful and fulfilling. We, too, went through the motions for a time. Fake it until you make it kind of thing....but in the end we have surpassed our pre-affair sexual relationship in both quantity and quality...by leaps and bounds. We BOTH have attached much more significance to our marital sexual union.

Good luck (and sorry about Krazy)

Mr. Wondering

I completely agree with Mr. Wondering's post, wholeheartedly.

Every word of it.

Why are you settling for less than NC? Are you afraid he will leave you if you insist on more for your marriage? Do you want to stay in a relationship with a man who doesn't value you enough to maintain NC?

Maybe you should decide what you value. Maybe a great marriage with openess and honesty? Which would require transparency and NC.

I would set some boundaries for yourself if you want to feel better about yourself and your marriage. I know it's scary and hard at first, but just ignore the fear and DO what you know is intellectually the right thing to do. Stand up for yourself. INSIST he get a different job! Use that as your #priority in boundaries. You can separate from him, in a plan B, to ENFORCE the boundary.

Enforcing your boundaries will bring you peace, happiness and self respect. With or without your husband.

You are getting out of your marriage what you put into it. You are settling for less than what you know you need to make you happy I'm guessing. You yourself are avoiding conflict by not demanding NC.

As far as desire post affair goes, I feel like our SF has been way better since using the MB principals of EN's, LB's, radical honesty, rules for protection, etc. They all have been tools, along with RC and UA time, to have us fall in love again and be INTIMATE (as in emotionally and physically) again. Honesty is crucial for intimacy. All the above has made our SF so much better for me.

I feel for Krazy too because I think his wife may be in the same place as your husband. I don't think his wife is following the MB principles. Not even sure if Krazy is.

Hi everyone! I looked for this post because it is amazing how things change over a matter of months!

In this original post, FWH was not having much interest in SF and I was. Guess what? Now, he wants it all the time and I don't! How unfair! How in the world can we get in sinc with this? It's almost like one doesn't desire the other unless the other is not really desiring them.

FWH was afraid of this happening and in my mind(at the time), I was thinking, NO WAY! Well, it's happening and I am scared to death because this was our problem prior to his A(my lack of interest sexually). Help Help Help! What can I do to get it back? I am trying to pretend, but I'm sure he can tell the difference!

See your doctor. Make sure there is no physical reason for your lowered interest.

Assuming there's no physical cause, work on the mental and emotional ones. When you are interested, what gets you there? What can you do to be that frame of mind more often? What can he do?

Personally, I no longer find myself going from complete disinterest to ready for action just because my husband says now's the time. And I used to be that way. But if I deliberately think about making love with him, and anticipate it as something special and good and worth looking forward to (rather than dreading whether I'll be ready for duty when he issues the call to action) I'm often the one making the initial moves.

"Personally, I no longer find myself going from complete disinterest to ready for action just because my husband says now's the time. And I used to be that way. But if I deliberately think about making love with him, and anticipate it as something special and good and worth looking forward to (rather than dreading whether I'll be ready for duty when he issues the call to action) I'm often the one making the initial moves"

That cracked me up, Chrynne!

I think the poster's change of circumstances is very hopeful. At least hubby's desire came back. Perhaps you can agree on a happy medium. If he would like action twice a day, and you only once a week, maybe you can compromise.

Has your husband, now, finally ended all contact with OW? Do they still work together?

What has he done to be considered a "F"WH. How did he earn his "F"

If your only answer is that he ended his affair, then I'm not surprised your arriage has gravitated back to the status quo.

Have you BOTH considered following the MB plans to recover passion in your marriage? It is possible, but ONLY if he has ended his affair AND left his job AND is in absolute 100% verifiable no contact with her.

Anything less than this and your recovery and marriage are doomed.