Yes, Believer is correct. We've ALL been there right there with you. But with TIME and HARD WORK, our marriage is better. It will never be the same again. Our lives are turned upside down but I'm personally a BETTER PERSON and OUR MARRIAGE has never been better.

You're like an open sore right now. But you will and can HEAL...over time..but it will take time...which HEALS ALL WOUNDS...

Ok..if you had to do it all over again.... would you choose to still grow on your own and not stay married to the very one who took you for granted, over and over?

I'm not saying hard work isn't worth it; I know it is.. but where is the line? When do I get to say ENOUGH? Take it, and deal with the bed you laid in... quite literally. We're adults and responsibilty lies where?

The line is where you draw it. Right now you don't know where your heart will take you.

Work on the reading and MC sessions. ID your personal and M boundaries. Your H will need t/d the same. Each work on your personal improvements. Then your mind and heart will get in sync then you can move forward. If your H does the same then in time he will catch up with you and then if you still want your M, you can recover together.

Hug your little one. He is sooo young. His age will never matter because he is and always will be your son. Still hug him and tell him you love him. He may say or do something that will really give you strength. Those little guys just know when their parents need their help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Hi lpwv,

You're getting some great advice!!!

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with what you're dealing with... the feelings are overwhelming at times, but it IS possible to work through them and rebuild your M.

Like Orchid said, YOU are the one that must decide where to draw the line...

Semper Fi,

RIF

lpwv, It is probably a lie that they are divorced in the first place. This is very common. Or he may not know the full truth, and has a right to know it. Get ALL the cards out on the table. He probably knows only the lies his wife told him and doesn't know the truth.

He also needs to know how to contact you in case the OW and her H get back together and he sees any sign of resumption. I would just do this without tellng Brian first. Tell him AFTER.

what I need to do is not "react" to quickly. It seems impossible today, but w/ time I may feel/think different.

OK about the OWH. who do I contact him? He's supposed to live in another state.

Do you know his name, stete?

I don't, but i can probably to some research..

lp, it shouldnt' be that hard. You can do a search on her name and get it easily at www.peoplefinder.com or www.zabasearch.com

Actually, I think the ring that you're wearing represents your spouse's vows to you. If your H is big on symbolism (many men are), you may consider handing the ring back to him and telling him to keep it until (1) he's absolutely sure that he is respecting those vows, and (2) you feel that he is demonstrating that to you.

And I agree with removing the bed, unless you think you can "reclaim" that trigger.

lpwv, I know in my case I probably would choose differently. But that line of thinking really isn't going to help here, because going back in time to correct our mistakes or make different choices is a possibility that's simply not open to any of us. You need to deal with the situation as it exists *now*, and the choices that are open to you *now*.

I would say that your choice at the moment is a particularly difficult one to make, because your H has continously chosen to lie to you. Is he lying to protect your feelings? Is he lying to protect himself? Is he just a habitual liar in general, e.g. have you ever caught him in other non-A related lies?

I would say that if I was in your situation and I felt that my spouse was a habitual liar, I'd be trying to put as much space as possible between my spouse and myself.

I think you were responding to my post.

My answer to you is ABSOLUTELY NOT. I would not have done anything differently. I would have chosen to work on my marriage.

My H had a long-term affair, lasting over 2 years. He was as wayward as wayward can be. He lied to me repeatedly, was deceitful, eventually left me for the OW and even moved in with her. He was going to start his life all over again with her.

TODAY..we are happier than ever. Our marriage is much, much better. The saddest part for me is that I didn't learn about the MBers' principles earlier. I hope we have enough time together to continue to ENJOY each other. I just got off the phone with him telling me how much he loves me and how much he appreciates all that I do for him.

That all being said, when I discovered that an affair was the reason for his absences and detachment from me, I was DEVASTATED as you are. But, at the same time, I still had much LOVE for him. That was what was true in my case.

I did not take responsibility for his choice to have an affair. That was WRONG and ALMOST UNFORGIVABLE. He did HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE things to me that I am trying to forget.

However, upon reading Surviving and Affair and going through coaching with Steve Harley, I learned how I certainly did MY PART in leaving my marriage OPEN to another woman's influence on my H. I was doing a poor, poor job of meeting his primary emotional needs. Steve even used the words: "You were WRONG about a lot of things".

I'm so THANKFUL that we have done the HARD WORK necessary to give our marriage another chance.

It's wonderful not only for US but also for OUR CHILDREN and future grandchildren.

But what's even MORE WONDERFUL, though, is that I HAVE FOUND MYSELF. Even if my H leaves me today or passes away, I now know that I can make it on my own. I don't choose to do that because NOW my life is ENHANCED by his presence and I want him to ENJOY LIFE WITH ME.

Yes, he has lied about other situations. He has grown over the past few years, although the A makes me want to say he hasn't.. still yet, he has.

After reading through this site, he's identified that he is an Avoid Trouble Liar. Even to the most recent details that he swore so many times before that he already fessed to the whole truth; in the end, when I did my own homework and got the nasty details from the OW, he claims he hid them to protect my feelings.... I know this because he admitted to a PA in one state but left out the details of the meetings my home/bed, which the OW provided me. I told him to save it; it was to protect him and control the outcome once more; taking my healing process away. What a day this has been; we've talked from 9:30 - 9:20 p.m. and I'm sure we'll do more.

I feel this time it's the end for me. I want a good relationship with him; we will have one. Just doesn't feel like in a marriage. We talked today about more details and more lies surfaced; he did self correct on some and some I pointed out.. he corrected then; this is good but extremely agitating to me; it makes me wonder if I'm coddling a grown man; where is the responsibility and accountability.

I understand marriages can be worked through and I'm so glad for those that have. What is this feeling I have? It's a peace within me that finally I don't have to live this life of lies anymore. We can rebuild a different relationship; STRONG parents and GOOD FRIENDS. He is s good man; I really mean that and I can also see where I let him down. I want us all to be happy and most importantly, I want him to be strong in himself; choosing to care for those he loves.

"I told him to save it; it was to protect him and control the outcome once more; taking my healing process away."

You nailed it there. I think a lot of times that is the truth.

We always suggest that no one make any quick decisions, especially if there are children involved. Hang in there.