Any thoughts or suggestions on how to:
* objectively evaluate the risk of violence from a spouse, and
* take steps to minimize risks of violence.

In my situation I believe my STBX wife has some undiagnosed psychopathology (e.g., bi-polar, NPD) and will act to get what she wants without consideration/empathy to me. We are divorcing, but her history includes:

Redacted to remove detailed history; basically, there are some reasons for concern.

Most of these behaviors flared up during her affairs, though some are long-term trends that I didn't see in our short courtship.

While she hasn't, for example, pulled a knife on me or made explicit threats, I'm a bit concerned.

Simple things I've done to protect myself are:
* avoiding meeting her altogether
* if necessary, meeting her in a public place
* never contacting her
* avoiding giving information about myself
* taking her off my insurance policies (giving her less financial motivation to wish me dead)
* keeping my telephone number and address unlisted, however, my current career requires a public presence and it is likely that a determined person could locate me.

Any thoughts, suggestions?

- WG

Use a lawyer to facilitate any contact with her whatsoever. I realize she could come after you on her own (and probably even an RO won't stop her), but the less you see/speak to her, the better.

Maybe alerting other people to the possibility, and letting her know that they have been warned? Don't know if that would make things worse, but some people may stop if they know people are watching for it.

I've wondered about that, but I couldn't figure out if letting her know I've warned others (i.e. written a letter) would be worse.

I am perhaps overeacting. But if there is 1-2 chances out of a hundred, I'd rather take reasonable precautions.

She stands to lose a lot during the divorce, despite my treating her fairly. I'm trying to prevent my becoming the object of her rage when her life hits bottom.

- WG

Do you have children together, WG?

LA

No and yes. I adopted her child from a previous relationship. I've now known the child (now 15) for about 5 years, but the relationship is poor. I haven't seen the child in six months (this is not my desire) and I would describe the situation as one of parental alienation. I have more or less come to accept that there is little I can do in the present to change this.

- WG

I asked because what she's done to you, she may also do to this child...so your protection, awareness is important...so is the child's.

You adopted the child...you are the father. Please take whatever measures you can to get custody with supervised visits. Her verbal, emotional and physical abuse doesn't stop with you.

Please keep us updated...you're important. I appreciate your posts on MB, your help and advice...

In my prayers,

LA

LA, Thanks for replying.

I more or less think I'm overestimating my risk. If, as I strongly suggest, WW is a Narcissist, then my not being a source of Narcissistic Supply is good protection. If she gets nothing postive from me, she won't want any interaction with me and her energies will be to get Supply from others, not on perceived revenge or harming me.

I wish I could protect my adopted step child, but I have had to accept that I cannot, at least at this time. My court system won't support me. WW is too high-functioning to meet criteria for depriving her of custody. And an older teenager that clearly articulates the desire not to have me in their life will be taken seriously. IMO, the greatest risk is mirroring mom's poor choices, not any overt physical abuse.

It is not a happy outcome. But the reality is that I've known the child for only 5 years. While I eagerly accepted my responsibilities as an adoptive parent, I feel that I need to accept the practical limits in the current situation.

- WG

WG,

You're welcome...wish I had more to offer. In many ways, you're describing my stepmother...so I guess my heart went straight to the child.

Seems Tabby's advice would be well-advised.

As for Narcissist (glad you spelled it first), STBXWW has plenty to supply her. When we live through others, there always seems to be others out there to supply us. Doesn't make us happy or content, though. Remains a constant abandonment of our selves...like running in place.

Are you looking within to see your attraction to her? Were you married before?

Just fumbling here...I think you can tell.

LA

I've done some introspection. The high-altitude view would be that I had poor self image, fell in-love and lost any objectivity, and played a knight-in-armor to her damsel-in-difficult-life. Neither of us were ever previously married.

I'll do as much as I can to avoid a similar situation again, even though I realize that without change (which is hard) it is difficult not to repeat the same mistakes.

- WG