My WS and I are trying to work through her issues. She is has not been in contact with the OP since the end of July. She is going to IC and has found out what she has been missing from her life and is starting to take more control. She has been dealing with depression all of her life and has been on a new Med to control her depression for about a month. She seems to be happy most of the time but, when she is depressed she does not think that it will work out between us. She sees even the positives that I do as negative. She says I am trying to hard. I asked if she has talked to her IC about her depression and how it affects how she is feeling and she has said no. I do not want to come across as controling, but I feel that her depression is guiding her down the path of us not being together. I thought about contacting her IC and asking if she can look into this, because I feel my WS will not talk to her IC how her depression could affect how she feels about us. Her IC knows she has been dealing with depression all of her life, but I do not think that she has talked to her about it or even suggested her talking to a psycologist to see if there is some other med that can help her. We are planning on seeing a MC after Christmas, but I think something needs to be done sooner than later. Should I contact her IC? Is there a way to asked her to talk to her IC without fear of her getting upset? Please your thoughts.

I remember reading somewhere (but can't remember WHERE I read it exactly) that is takes 3 weeks of no contact with the OP to get through the worst of the withdrawal symptoms. If they can get through 3 weeks of no contact it normally gets easier for the WS to deal with the withdrawal.

And then after 6 months of no contact (so by Feb in your situaton?) the 'fog' of the addiction has lifted enough for hte WS to see the OP more clearly and not desire them so addictively anymore.

Contact with the adultery partner is like an addict getting a fix. So withdrawal is very hard for the WS to go through. And unfortunately they will feel INSTANTLY MUCH BETTER if they contact the OP while in withdrawal... just like an addict relapsing while in recovery.

But if they make contact just to feel better (or because they assume that the OP is their 'soulmate' and the pain of withdrawal, and temporary high of contact with the OP, is the 'proof' that they 'belong together') then they will just have to start withdrawal all over again.

Unfortunately some WS's endure the worst part of withdrawal, the part that only lasts 3 weeks, over and over again because they keep making contact.

Are you certain she has no longer in contact with the OP?
Has she sent the no contact letter?
Is the OP married and if so has hteir spouse been contacted to help prevent contact?
Do they work together and therefore have some continued contact because of that?

"She seems to be happy most of the time but, when she is depressed she does not think that it will work out between us. She sees even the positives that I do as negative. She says I am trying to hard."

I want to assure you that recover CAN work with a depressed spouse and that it is pretty common for the WS to be depressed at first when they end the adultery.

Also, it will take a while before she appreciates you the positive things you do. That's normal too. But keep it up anyway so she won't think you were only making temporary changes just to get her to leave the OM.

I don't have to much knowledge or experinece with anti-depressants myself. I do think you should try to get her to see her her IC about maybe trying a different anti-depessant before Christmas though if she seems extremely depressed.

Thanks Meremortal that gives me some hope. That is I don't want her to think it is temporary. It is just hard and I feel we are not making any head way since she is depressed.I think it adds another demension to the situation, whereas a couple who does not have one partner who is diagnosed with Chronic Depression or Bi-Polar.

She tries to shy away from any new meds because she is unsure how she will react. The one she has been on for a month is new, but I do not know how long she needs to be on before we try something else. I guess I can contact her IC, but should I tell her that I am contacting her IC?

I am 95% positive that she has not had contact with the OP. It was an EA. The other person lives in another state 60o miles away. The OP is married and has 2 D. Because she has been depressed she does not think she could be happy with anyone or even by herself. I am just trying to make our house a happy place to live and not do any LBs that will make her upset. I think I have been good for about a week and a half. She did make a comment that I am trying to hard. I feel she thinks this will only be temporay or that I am doing it because it is the holdiays. I am determined to keep it up even thought she has asked me to cut back. What do you think?

Well been a somewhat good week. One depressed episode. We were talking about her going to grad school to get her master degree and I was looking at a way we could do it so she could quit work. I was trying to show her support. She got really depressed and felt that she would again be relying on me and taking away everything from me and the kids. She sent me an email explaining this and I responded with I understande. A day later we talked somemore on the subject and she is now only considering taking one class to see if she will like it. So a LV.

She has a IC appointment next Tues. I want her to talk to her IC about seeing their psychiortist and have them run some test or see if she is on the correct meds. I was going to talk to her about it on Monday, but I also thought about talking to her IC without her knowing about this. What does everyone think is the best approach?

SC
her IC could probably only listen to you, not discuss her situation, due to confidentiality.
I asked my FWH if I could go with him to his psychologist and he said the doc wouldn't be able to talk with me.
my FWH is bipolar too, but is good about taking his meds.
give the new meds some time to start working and her to adjust.
keep up the good work making the tone light.
bipolar does make Recovery harder, but it IS possible.
hugs,
cgw

Contacting your WS's counselor may be, and probably will be viewed as interference. I'd say let her do her IC herself, and until invited, keep your peace. Discussing it with her, if she's talkative, is fair game.

Are you trying too hard? (Or put another way, are you too needy or dependent on the relationship?)

- WG