Hey, yeah, I'm alright TMTS... just been taking a break. Thanks for the concern tho <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The past few days have been quiet. Actually, I am sort of half and halfing my approach now. I am plan A'ing when he behaves, 180-ing when he doesn't. But still incorporating some 180 stuff.

Yesterday I signed myself and my dog up for some Therapy visits. She's a certified therapy dog (she goes to hospitals and nursing homes, schools, etc to offer "moral support" to sick, old, etc people. And entertain, because she knows a lot of tricks. But anyways...). I signed us up for a group that does visits on Tuesday evenings. Last night was the organizational meeting. I told H when I came home I was going to the meeting... and he seemed a little surprised. I just said it matter-of-fact. I didn't ask, didn't ask if he wanted to join us (although, I would have let him had he expressed interest, but he didn't). Just told him that was what I was doing. Oh, and I "informed" him I was also meeting a friend for drinks after work on Thursday... (told him where, so if he wants to do a drive-by check up, he can, I'm not hiding anything... but it is a "girls" thing...), and going to our "wine party" for a bit after work on Friday. Every friday after work we have a happy hour that different people sponsor, and I stopped going awhile ago when I swore off OM (because he used to work with me), but now that he doesn't, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't go...

I could tell that my "new" approach was making him squirm a little. But oh well. I said it all very matter-of-fact, not "asking" him or anything like that. If he wants to spend time with me or come to any of the above, he can ask (well other than when I meet my friend for drinks, that's just us). I'm not inviting him or imploring him to come.

Still gonna try to make it to March before I do the plan B... with him committing to reconciliation or I'm out...

I have found a meeting that I can hopefully attend. Haven't worked up that nerve yet. May try to go on Thursday...

So, that's whats up with me. Not a whole lot. Working on re-building MY life WITHOUT him-- but without completely pushing him out of my life. He had his chance <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Oh and this Friday is his turn to plan date night. I'm not even going to bring it up. He plans it, great, I'll go. (Which I would like, but I'm pretending I just don't care). And I asked him this weekend to figure out which day he could do our "lunch" (we have lunch together once weekly). He hasn't said anything about this week, and I'm not bringing it up either. His loss!

Workin' the 180... Madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results...

RIM

Oh-- and Mojodiva--

Just wanted to let you know I printed out that 180 list and HIGHLIGHTED the ones I need to work on the most... and posted it on my desk (in a discrete location, haha). I also copied and pasted it into a word file which is saved to my desktop with the title "READ ME DAILY".

Just wanted to say thanks for the help and suggestions <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

RIM

RIM

Good to see you back. I also was getting concerned.



I went to four different meetings until I could work up the courage to walk through the door.

It was only then that I could begin my journey to a new way of living life.
Please try 6 meetings-hopefully on a regular nite.

Several of us have been hard on you in previous posts. I am not going to apologize. It is only because we do care. Personally, I know I have walked in your shoes and I hoped you would try the suggestions given by some of the best this board has to offer.

I wish you the best with the path your choosing. I will still read your thread and try to keep up with whats going on. Until you acknowledge "the messengers message" on this board theres really nothing I can do to help you.

All I can and will do is pray for you and your H. Its good that you have located a meeting...NOW WILL YOU GO????

Chris

I knew you'd miss us. LOL

That sounds like a step in the right direction. How's his drinking been in the last few days? Sounds like he's chilled out a little so that's good.

I'm going crazy right now, I'm shaking so hard in anticipation that we can get OM to break it off before the weekend.

Really sounds like you have been making some great progress over on your thread, TMTS. That fog is starting to lift, even if only in bits and spurts!

He hasn't drank much in the past few days. He's still in denial that he has a problem though. I actually laid it on the line for him the other day, and he actually looked like he was going to cry for a few seconds before quickly retreating behind his anger again (this was on the "bad" night). Whatever. I don't care anymore. I'm not going to "baby" him. I told him he had a problem, that he was an alcoholic, that the reason he "felt so alone" was because he was MAKING it that way, that his family loved him, that I did and that we all wanted to be here for him, but its kinda hard when all you do is push those people away. He gave me some BS about me and his family not caring about him for real, and that his family only cares about him when it is convenient. I seriously think he doesn't live in reality anymore... I just don't get how he can seriously be this disillusioned.

No more babying him. I'm starting to get to the point where I just don't care anymore. I've expended so much effort trying to hold this together, and all he's done is tear apart everything. We'll see. Right now I'm just sort of disgusted with it all and thinking that I deserve better than ALL of this.

Oh, and I sent him an email a few weeks back about a conference I will probably end up having to attend in July (I just forwarded himt he email with the dates). He never mentioned it until today... when I got a return email from him that said "this is bullsh!t, you are going to be gone for almost a week!" (it is Saturday to Wednesday, 4 hours from where I live). I didn't reply. I'm not arguing now about something in July, nor will I have much of a choice in whether or not I have to attend this (that is sort of up to my boss). Whatever. I'm not worried about it. Let him sweat it out.

RIM

There you go; we did get across to you after all. You seem to be taking control for your own actions. Makes a big difference doesn't it? From what you've explained here the guy needs help and you're taking the first step by not enabling his behavior. Keep it up...

RIM

Thanks for the post. Your support does mean a lot to me.

Good Luck Tonight

I will pray for you

Rocky

RIM



How did it go???

Just courious.

Rocky <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Rocky-

Oooh, man, was I nervous. I am an outgoing, gregorious person that is not shy in the least. Well, I think I said a whopping total of about 5 words... most of those being my name and "husband". I sat there heart pounding for awhile before I went in. Everyone was very friendly. I just sat there and listened, I didn't talk-- too scared. They gave me a bunch of literature to read before I left. I really sort of felt out of place... but I think that was a combination of my nervousness and I'm sure that it didn't help that I said a whopping total of about 5 words...

So, today, we have a huge ice storm here. Well, we only have a one car garage, and H's car is newer and nicer than my POS... so his goes in the garage and mine stays out. Well... it was frozen SOLIDLY shut this morning when I went to leave for work. I left a lot later than H because I slept in for a bit, and then I had to take care of ALL of the "morning duties" because he didn't do a single one before he left (ie, opening blinds, letting dog out, feeding dog, making coffee, etc etc).

So, I go outside and lo and behold, my car is FROZEN SHUT. And its still POURING ice/rain outside. So, I try all four doors-- still frozen. So I go back inside and call H. He is pissy with me, and in so many words says "well, what do you want me to do about it??". This is one of my MAJOR issues with him. I feel like he's not there when I need him to be, and that if I ever call with an emergency or something like this happens that I can't control, he either doesn't help me at all, or if he does he makes a huge ordeal out of it. I just don't feel like he's "there" for me.

So, he tells me to try dumping a bucket of hot water on the door. So, I get a bucket, fill it with hot water, and dump it (twice) on the driver's side door. No such luck. And thru all of this I am getting DRENCHED which I'm not so happy about. So, I call him back and he tells me to drag the hose out and spray the car (!?!?!??!?!-- the water is COLD coming out of the hose!). I said no way... that I was already drenched, and miserable. He is all pisssy. I said, well you are gong to have to come home and get me and take me to work. I can't take today off.

He says no at first, that he can't. (meanwhile, he works 10 minutes from where we live). I said "well, you can't tell them your wife is having car trouble and you have to take her to work?!?" So, he gives in (still being all pissy, as if I did this on purpose or I am happy about it...), and comes and gets me and takes me to work.

He planned a "date night" for tonight. I am kinda shocked he did. I really thought he wouldn't. I haven't said A WORD about it. I just figured I wasn't going to bug him to plan the date night HE is supposed to plan. Well apparently he actually DID. I was actually kinda shocked.

All I can say right now is that I am nearing the end of my rope again. I am scared a little because this is how I felt about him and our R right before my A started. Now, I've learned my lesson there and I'm certainly not that dumb. But I know that I had neared the end of my rope then-- and was so miserable and just didn't see it ending and didn't feel like he was even REMOTELY paying attention to how unhappy I was. Yeah, I'm back there again.

And at this point, I'm starting to develop the FU attitude again that I developed last time too. Its not even so much of an FU attitude as it is just total apathy.

Being alone will suck, but hey, at this point, it is better than this. And I deserve better than this.

We'll see how this weekend goes.

RIM

RIM

Thanks for trying. You sound like a wonderful person and you do deserve the best in life.
I truly believe that you are trying to make a difference in your M or you wouldn’t be on this board.

Try a half dozen or so meetings and if the shoe doesn’t fit-try mocossins-slippers-boots-search until something does fit. I said hardly a word for at least six months. MOST newbies don’t.

In my sitch I’m learning that my M will probably not fit the perfect MB’s world.
I hope I can get to a point where its blended so it works good for myself and W.
As we are right now we are just a little better than good friends in our R. I gave up pushing the R-just being there-nice-pleasant-helpful but not pushing M . NOT plan a ing.
After 13 mo’s she is finally getting to the point where she is asking how we can get this R going again. How can we get M going.
I don’t think we fit into the MB timeline and to make our M work another program will have to blended in. It really complicates things but that’s OK.

I think if I would have pushed hard for the M to work a certain way or in “my time” it would have been a huge LB and may have caused further damage.

My long range goal is to be happily married again. What works for me and her to make us happy is totally up to us to apply.. Not really anybody else.
I think my W is just getting back on board after her side trip.

Slow down and see if you can find the goal you really want for your M down the road.

You were gone-now you are back
H’s behavior?
Your plan Aing your butt off
You plan to plan B
Your 180ing? Or not?
H’s behavior in all this?

It may take a lot longer than you think and could have “side trips” along the way.

[quote] And at this point, I'm starting to develop the FU attitude again that I developed last time too. Its not even so much of an FU attitude as it is just total apathy. (quote]


There is only one true ITEM you have control of in life-
-Your attitude-



Rocky


Me 49 –
WH 1987
A/CD treatment 8/1986
DS 24
DD 14
Married 25 yrs
WW 43
EA/PA –1986/1987 A Ended after 1 ½ yr seperation-NC w/OM for 4 months-Me N/C w/OW for 3 mo after W asked me to give her up
Mutual agreement to get back together
A/CD treatment 1988
EA/PA 2004?—10/2006? Mixed w/alcohol relapse
Treatment 12/06 W-Just wants to leave A in the past-“WE” know what to do
Me-Houston-We have a problem (we need to work on) here

Hi RIM,

Keeping an eye on you. Sounds like you've turned a corner, good for you. (Thanks for your comments today, I'm not doing it now, neighbor is on his [censored], and they think his GF is pregnant).

I'm starting to wonder if he even likes you. Let me ask you this, if it was his best buddy that made that call, would he have acted the same way?

I'd love to come down and kick his [censored] for you. I’m looking to kick someone’s [censored], because you guys won't let me kick my WW's POS. LOL

Take care of YOU dear. We are behind you!!!

He was being a jerk again last night for no apparent reason (I was joking around with him in bed and get got all bent out of shape... he said I should turn off the light so we could go to sleep... I said only if he'd snuggle me (in a joking tone), and he got all bent out of shape). He then proceeded to do the stereotypical H things-- refuse to talk to me, push me away, say "don't touch me" and refused to roll over and talk. And I did break down a little again. That is what I can't handle. And it was all over nothing! He was making a big deal out of NOTHING. Arg.

So this morning he rejected my offer for SF. Whatever. Tonight is date night. We'll see how this goes.

I am currently "planning" my plan B- the logistics of it.

I am going to visit a friend who just had a baby yesterday in the hospital in a bit, I'll sign back on later...

RIM

Good on getting ready for Plan B. He needs to wake up and reilize he's lucky you haven't gone for plan D or FU.

Rest of the weekend was pretty good. Saturday night he planned date night... we went to get sushi (one of my favs), then he took me ice skating downtown (I kept saying I wanted to go before they took the rink down... he finally took me, so that was nice), and then we went to watch the rest of the hockey game at a sports bar. It was a good night.

Sunday we met one of my best friends and her boyfriend for breakfast (they were back in town), and then had some people over to watch the superbowl. Had a good time.

Today he is coming to meet me for lunch.

Oh-- and he forgot his cell phone at home today... so since he forgot it, I took it with me to work... so that I can give it to him at lunch time, and so that I can do a little snooping. It hasn't rang yet... I am going to compare the text and call history to the bill to make sure he isn't deleting things out of his phone.

I am slowly preparing for plan B-- both logistically and mentally. I have a few questions that hopefully people can help me with.

A. I am doubting he is going to leave the house... and even if he does-- I'm not so sure I could "afford" to keep the house going for too long myself, bill wise. So-- what should I do about "going" somewhere? I'm sure I could find somewhere to stay for a week or so, but I don't have any really good friends in the area that I would feel comfortable imposing on for longer than a week or so. Then that would involve finding my own place... and I really don't want to sign a lease again... any ideas?

B. Sometimes I don't know how to "act" anymore. So, I am both a BS and a WS. And the W of an alcoholic (although recently he's calmed down with that...). And all three dictate different styles of action. So--- I don't know whether to act like a FWS, a BS, or a wife of an A????!?! And I feel like he takes advantage of my confusion on how I should act...

For example... a friend invited me out for a happy hour with some of her co-workers this coming Thursday... now, as a FWS, this will probably upset H and cause trust issues, so I shouldn't go. But as a BS, and one that is currently married to someone that is "indecisive" about our marriage and spewing ILYBINILWY stuff... then I should go to make it seem like I'll be OK alone, etc, and that I'm not sitting around waiting for him...

C. He's threatened before that because of trust issues that if I left again, that it would be officially over. How does that change my approach with plan B?

I guess I'm just trying to figure out my plan B here... and my terms for reconciliation. I was really hoping this wouldn't have to happen... but it is looking like it is going to <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I am giving him until march to commit to reconciliation-- or I'm out. This is going to be so hard...

RIM

Stop this. I'm not vet here & there surely aren't many opportunities for me to pipe in, but this is one of them. What good do we do ourselves by constantly excusing the drinking and questioning our reactions to it and wondering if we're really dealing with alcoholism, etc.

Listen, RIM, WE COUNT BEERS. This is not normal!! And normal, healthy people don't "calm down" their drinking - they drink when they feel like it, don't when they don't, and nobody's worried about it. Like me, for instance - I drink a few, get silly, stop, drink lots of water & go to bed. Nobody's blood pressure changes & nothing gets overlooked tomorrow. If I say anything stupid, it's funny stupid or extra-lovey-dovey stupid, not hurtful, angry, heartless and demeaning stupid.

OK whipping over. I know your post wasn't about alcohol but it's the only part I can speak on. Going to a meeting tonight?

RIM

[/quote]

What is your long range goal with PLB?

Rocky

Ultimately to recover the M.... it cannot be in the state where we are now. I hope to remove myself from the stressful situation where I am losing respect and love for my H daily... recover my own sense of self... and hopefully H can do the same in his own time. He needs individual help, and we need some serious MC. My goal is for both of those to happen to recover the M-- and both of us.

My goal (as fluffy as it sounds) is to recover the M... but at this rate there's not going to be anything to recover pretty soon. Worst comes to worst... at least I'm protecting myself and the little respect/love I do have left for H...

Scared and don't know about logistics tho. Half of me thinks he'll just use my PLB as a further "excuse" in his head to just D. In his mind this is my "punishment" that I should just "accept" because of "what I did to him"...

RIM

RIM

Those are admriable goals to have.

Have you made a commitmient to X # of meetings you will go to?

I would suggest you try to get at least six under your belt before you make any big decisions.


Rocky

Hi everyone-

Just wanted to give a quick update for those that actually still read along... (sometimes I feel my thread is really ignored and this is sort of just a journaling experience for me...).

H and I had a good date this weekend. We actually have had a decent past week or two. Truthfully, if things were "normal", I would be just fine with how things have been going recently with us. Last night we went out with some friends, and he was very affectionate and playful all evening.... he even planned to have my parents over for dinner this weekend...

Yesterday, I was so shocked, he DROVE from his work to my work JUST TO DRIVE ME TO MY CAR because it was raining and I had parked very far from work... his work is out of the way from mine... so this was very sweet, to drive all the way to my work, just to DRIVE me the 4 blocks to my car instead of me having to walk. He also brought me dinner, because I had to work late (I was moving my car closer so that I wouldn't have to walk far when I got out of work). I was totally surprised at that one!

has been good about calling me, hasn't made any DJs, has been good about controlling AOs and hasn't really drank that much at all in probably about a month now.... all in all, looking good (although we haven't had one discussion about ANY of this... at all. I'm not bringing it up-- he can if he wants).

But I can't ignore the elephant in the room...

So, today, online while we were at work H and I got into a discussion about politics (which we actually tend to agree on). Well, then he gets all weird and says he doesn't like talking about politics with me because he "I said I used to talk to OM about politics" (which was true, more just because I didn't agree with a damn thing he said, ever... so it was more like ARGUING about it...).

Anyways, so I apologized that that was a trigger for him-- he said he refused to talk politics with me-- I said that was his choice. Then he got all quiet and pissy (here we go again!). This time though, I just let it go. Totally let it go. He signed offline without even saying goodbye or that he was leaving. Nice. So-- I am leaving soon, we are supposed to go out to dinner tonight and then go to a hockey game. Truthfully, if he's going to be a pissy a** all night (which he sometimes does, lets something stupid and simple get him all bent out of shape), I am honestly telling him I'm not going.

I will go home and "sense" how he's acting. I'll act completely normal (although I'm not calling him to tell him I'm leaving work or anything. He started acting unreasonable-- therefore I'm 180ing him. I'm doing a combo 180 when he's being an idiot and plan A when he's "behaving").

Anyways, if he decides to be a sulky child, then I'll tell him to just take me home and scalp the ticket and I'll do my own thing tonight. I'm tired of being "punished" by his over reactions and total lack of ability to be a reasonable person with REASONABLE reactions to thing.

I understand that things may be triggers for him... but is like he uses them as "guilt weapons"-- and uses that feeling bad as an "excuse" in his own head to be a pretty terrible person.

Anyways, I'm still moving towards plan B in March if he doesn't commit to reconciliation by then. I do have a lot of questions about logistics of that... (which I posted before, but no one responded to...). Especially since most likely I WOULD HAVE to be the one leaving, I can't afford the house alone and I doubt he'd leave. I don't know how that changes things. I also don't know how the fact that I am also a FWW also changes my approach to plan Bing him.

I guess I struggle with the whole I am a FWW and a BW.... and it seems like there is preconceived "roles" for how those two people are supposed to act (and it is kinda opposite...). Well-- I'm both. Although, H won't admit that I'm also a BW. He thinks what he did is just "washed away" essentially because in his mind what I did was worse, therefore what he did doesn't count. But right now I am in a marriage where I am the only one holding things together and he's essentially cake eating...

I dunno. I think unless this post draws more attention... I may just lurk for awhile. While journaling is sort of helpful to me, I didn't come here necessarily for that purpose-- and I can do that in other mediums.

So, I truly do hope for some insight and help-- and while I appreciate the help with the alcohol problems-- I also need help into the M problems. I'm just so confused as to HOW I SHOULD ACT. Like a FWW? Like a BW? I've been trying to do both, but that's very hard. I feel like he PREYS on my role switching too.

He's got all the power and he knows it. Well, for now. I can't take this much longer.

I really hope he doesn't choose to ruin tonight. Last night was such a good night. I couldn't believe how affectionate and

I read an analogy on here, on someone else's thread (from a long time ago) that said that they felt like they were at Las Vegas... putting quarters into a machine. And every time they were about to give up and leave the machine because it wasn't giving them what they wanted, it would pay out... just a little... just enough to keep you sitting there hoping that you are gonna get the jackpot-- that big pay out that you've been dreaming of for so long.

At this point, I'm starting to think I'm never going to get that jackpot though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I just can't handle the mood swings anymore. He does nothing to help himself through this and I'm getting mighty tired of his "victim" role that he plays. Its not constructive. (Although he doesn't think he's playing a victim).

Well--

Thanks to everyone for helping me out when I needed it. Especially TMTS-- now GHopper. I am super glad for you that your M is getting another chance. I hope to be able to say that too one day.

This is my last call for help, and I'll just let my thread die and do this alone. I'm not trying to guilt people, I just feel like I am wasting my time at this point on this board... so if people don't want to help, that's fine, but I don't want to waste my time!

RIM

I don't think I've been registered long enough to consider myself an expert in this situation, but I want you to know I am reading along, and your family is in my prayers. Hopefully you can get some good feedback from the old pros.