I've been reading here because things have been difficult in my M for a few months. H is not interested in talking and keeps feelings to himself. We enjoy each other's company alot and have a great time together, though. Our sex life is highly lacking - H says that he is stressed out by work and isn't in the mood for sex. I decided to take the advice given to others and snoop because some of this has the sounds of an A. I got access to H's email.

Found that he has been corresponding often and for several years with a former co-worker. I've never met her - she lives in another city - but H has mentioned her from time to time and has known her for a very long time.

I read hundreds of emails to her and from her spanning the past few years. None of these emails have any reference to anything other than normal correspondence anyone would have with a friend. No references to special things, desires, or things they've done together. Some did mention phone conversations. All emails are related to people they jointly know in their industry and other details about their jobs, etc. There is some personal info - she has a daughter that they mention. There is no mention of me. Not sure if that's because she doesn't know me or what. She isn't married, so there's no mention of her H.

I know my H would be absolutely livid if I told him I have this info. I feel that confronting him with it would make our matters worse. Any words of wisdom?

Welcome to mb needtruth,

If you've read years of correspondence....then you've probably seen what there is to see. I believe that "friends" should also be friends of the marriage....and she isn't. If you don't confront him....he won't know how you feel, and there is little hope that he will stop on his own. If you do confront him....yes....he'll likely be mad that you snooped and he will probably deny any wrongdoing what-so-ever. It's a hard choice. Personally....I would just start asking about this person, and see if he's willing to let the friendship include you. If he won't....you can have the discussion about marital boundaries that you actually need to have. This would make me uncomfortable too....but it sounds like it hasn't crossed into dangerous territory....except for excluding you. Hmmm....I'll be interested in other responses.

"Needtruth", the e-mail correspondence that I've seen between my FWW and the FOM read like what you'd expect to see between business acquaintances. Yet they managed to carry on a PA for one year.

Like my FWW, your H could simply be deleting those messages that contain information that he prefer no-one to see but himself.

No mention of you? Over several years of correspondence? That's a big red flag IMO.

If you're unwilling to give away how you got hold of this info, try to catch him as he's writing one of those letters, then ask the questions that you want to ask.

See what I mean about other responses? That's why this place is so valuable....because there's so much diverity of experience.

Hi Needtruth,

If I had paid attention when I entered the computer room (and WH clicked back to the homepage immediately), I might have clued in sooner to his 'friendship' which turned into phone sex between 'soulmates' after only a few days.

He did show me the 'tame' emails after D-Day #1, but not the explicit ones....he had already deleted them.

I agree that you need to snoop and spy as discreetly as you can AND try to casually talk to him about his 'friends'. It is easier if you have something concrete to justify your suspicions. Take it from one with 4 (count 'em) D-Days.

Also, he may have a hidden trac fone or multiple email accounts he only uses from another computer. (I know from experience.)

I wish I had found these boards when we were in the stages that you are in now. Keep posting and seeking help. You have two of the best advisors so far sharing things with you. I'm just a rookie, so your fear and pain are still very real for me.

Best wishes,
Ace

Thanks so much for your responses. I'm going to dig a little deeper and see what I can find out. I really hate to do this. I'm having trouble getting up my nerve to go further. It took quite alot of resolve to get this far. I need to do this, though, and I will.

Picture your efforts as "fighting for your marriage" and your WH will thank you one day IF he decides to fight along with you.

At the worst he is having an affair waaaaay down underground. At the best, it appears he's involved in inappropriate communication, and quite possibly intentional secrecy, which is how EVERY affair begins.

I don't want to discourage you, but as you can read on my recovery thread, (Smiles & Trials 2) it will take several months ~ possibly years ~ to get to this point. My DH is finally coming around.....and it's been 13 months since D-Day #4.

You can do this NT.....we'll help you ~~~~~> well MiM and Star and others will help you....I'll be your resident cheerleader.

Best wishes,
Ace

I haven't been able to get the nerve to go to a private investigator yet. I can't seem to find strength to do it at the holidays. Don't know why I think Jan 2 will be any easier....

Today in the mail a letter from a bank came addressed to OW with our address. The letter is just one of those that says you've been approved for a credit limit increase. I've never seen anything addressed to her come to our house before, but H has always been home during the day (at least most of the time) and usually gets the mail. He wasn't home today so I got the mail when I got in from work.

H is on the way home now. I'm not going to mention it to him. I'm going to call the CS number at the bank and see what I can find out. I can't think of any reason our address could be on anything she's doing. Is there any way a PI can get this kind of info? I'm sure I can't get anything if I don't know the account number or her SSN.

I kept on reading here and seem to be frozen and unable to take the action I know I need to take. Ace, I know it's fighting for my M and I dont' want to be an ostrich, but I can't seem to get moving. The letter in the mail today made me feel that deep pit in my stomach but I keep thinking about the holidays and how I can't deal with all this until the new year.

If I wait, what do I have to lose?

Keep checking. Why in the world would something for the woman come to YOUR home?

How long has the SF been bad?

SF has been difficult for about 6 months. I have no idea why something for her would come to my house. I'm very worried that he has co-signed for her or worse yet that he's paying some of her bills.

Do a credit check on yourself and hubby. It should come up.

Are you saying that you have no idea where your money goes?

I have my account and H has his account. We divide up our bills. I don't have control on what he spends outside of the obligations we've agreed to nor does he have control over me. He's never abused this trust or given me any reason to believe otherwise.

Hmmmmm. Well what happened 6 months ago that would account for his lack of interest in SF?

He lost his job about 8 months ago. Anxiety and depression came soon after. He's had a difficult time finding the same level of job he was in. Offered 2 jobs at significantly lower pay and didn't accept them. I supported this decision. I've been frustrated with his job search efforts and tried to not DJ this. Learned that everything I said about his job search that was unsolicited or any concerns I mentioned were viewed as LBs. I stopped pushing and just let him figure it out. I make a decent salary, so we haven't been strapped financially too much and we had savings for times when we've needed it. We haven't had to dip into savings too much at all - still have plenty there. He has been worried about the situation, though, and doesn't talk much about it at all.

Additionally, he has started legal proceedings against some business partners for a side business he is/was involved in. This has caused him more stress. The OP he has been talking to was fired because of this legal thing. He doesn't know I know that he has offered her as someone who could possibly give info to his lawyer about some of the issues surrounding the matter. The last I saw about this last week is that she hasn't responded to his lawyer - not sure if that means anything at all.

I suggest you continue Plan A'ing him. Men's jobs are very tied to their self-esteem.

And try to spend at least 15 hours a week doing fun things together.

Keep checking on things though.

I found some local PIs and took their info today. I don't think I'll pursue this until the new year, though.

I'll continue the Plan A. I find that I'm very emotional and difficult to keep that in control. I'm working on not focusing on the negative possibilities so I can do a good Plan A. Still have some distance to go there, though.

He had a job offer today from an interview he did last week. I think he's going to accept this one. I hope so because I want this issue to get resolved for him. I believe that him working again will help our M.

You might want to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

I'll look into the book. I am having a difficult time not asking questions about "us" the last few days. H has seemed distant at times and it makes me feel even more nervous. When I ask questions I get the answer I "want" but in a very unconvincing tone of voice or in a way that just seems put on. I know I just need to stop asking questions and be the fun, loving wife I need to be. It's extremely difficult to keep it up when the responses I get are so blah.

Stop asking questions. Be cheerful, warm and loving. Think of him as an addict trying to keep his drug supply (just in case there IS an affair). Don't expect him to be logical or act normal.

But you can be exerting your influence as his chosen partner to win him back. And, DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING IN RETURN.