This is my last time to try out this, hopefully i wont write in vain and i'll be allowed to post this. thanks for all of u who might read/answer to me.
I've been married for 9 yrs, have 2 beautiful children aged 8 & 6. My H and I went out for a yr and a half before getting married. Already then i realised it was a difficult relationship but was my first one and thought having problems was normal. The first month was good but after that he was kind of depressed or not sure what. I wanted to talk to him on the phone and night time and he did but not for long. Or if we didnt see each other for a whole week and then i was hoping to see him on Fri. he might decide to go sailing or meet a friend or do something that would upset me.
My family say things have a big effect on me, that i'm complicated and difficult too.
He thought we shouldnt get married cos he felt he wasnt able to make me happy, he didnt fulfill me enough.
I found him to be less attentive after the first month and thought something was wrong. He would ring less or just be less interested in me.\
I insisted in getting married for different circunstances (me been in America just because he was there, i wanted to go back home to Spain if things were not going faster between us) and after a while he agreed.
I used to think :we are going to be so happy together, our problems will dissapear once we are living together,...\
We got married and things were hard. He got anxious about not having a house, we were renting at the time and i thought that was fine.
I got pregnant of 1st child a month after wedding.
One thing that really hurt me is that he went to America to his best friend's wedding when i was 7 months pregnant and he didnt even ring once to say he got there, i couldnt contact him on his mobile either. He spent 6 days in America. I was alone in Ireland, in an empty house we just bought, with just a bed and a kitchen table and chair for furniture. He really wanted to go to this wedding cos he was been best man...(i couldnt go been so advanced in pregnancy).
To make a really long story short. I will say that i realised this could have been a mistake when our son was about 10 months.
We were always having arguments. He always says i've never been happy in Ireland or with him.
I recognise i've been a bit depressed here, he has always been working too hard and i have felt really lonely.
He had his job and on top of that started to buy all this property without talking to me about it. I thought it was a good idea to buy one or two investments but not as many as he bought. He has kept me on a tight budget for years. He has this idea: He makes money, he is responsible to distribute where the money goes, if i needed/wanted more, i could go and get a job. I just wanted to mind my two young kids, i didnt want to leave them with a minder, would have broken my heart, and they were kids that got sick a lot.
He has always been anxious about money, asking me to spend as little as possible, not to bring kids to doctor unless strictly necessary,...All the money went into property and he built a big portfolio. All houses except two are on his only name, he says he did this for insurance reasons. \he never really wanted to explain me much about what he had.
In our arguments we were both agressive but he went over the top few times and i went twice to tell gardas of his domestic violence (he wouldnt hit hard but he would grab my arm with a horrible face or put his forehead against mine and tell me horrible things), all this was done many times in front of kids and my poor little girl was having nightmares for 2 yrs when she was only 2. She would get up in middle of night and cry for an hour none stop. Life was desperate for us.
Now he has stopped buying houses and is trying to sell so he can have a bit of a life without working much.
He has been working in Spain for the last 2 and a half months. He's got this job so he can learn what is like to work there and we can move there this summer.
I've tried councelling for years, he only came 5 or 6 times. He considered it like a waste of money and time.
He never wants to go out with me, he says we dont enjoy it and then it's terrible to spend 100 euros in a nite that wasnt enjoyable.
So our communication has been always very bad. I bought books to help us and tried to read them with him, were only able to read few times. \he always says im lacking something in my life and that he cannot give it to me.
He has been spending little time with us always, when he wasnt working he went cycling or fishing or to play handball, or any other sport. He always said that if he didnt look after himself he wouldnt be able to work and provide for us. I've felt so lonely for all these years. When he was at home he would be on the phone or on the computer looking at property or managing HIS property (he considers the bussiness as only his cos, he says, he has build it up).
I am a person who needs time and affection, i dont specially like social situation, i like close friends but above all i love spending time with my family and doing lots of chatting.
About 2 yrs ago i found out he was looking at porn and found his profile in one of this adults sites, he was looking for women younger than me...He promised me he never chatted or met anybody. But he always had his mobile blocked and his computer too, I managed to convince him to unblock his mail after what i discovered.
Anyway 2 weeks ago he left his work laptop opened by mistake and i saw he has been chatting to 7 or 8 women. I confronted him and he admitted feeling lonely and he was looking for company, warmth,...and that i always had a bad face when he came home.
He told me i could email these girls to check he didnt met them, only one. I found out he met 3. One of them he met a yr and a half ago through Skype, she also had marital problems and they exchanged pictures of each other kids.,,and then met one day for coffee. This is what he says, she denies have anything to do, and adds: this is all i want to tell u.
the other two girls admit having met him once and the other one twice or so..(in the sailing club since they both love sailing).this girl is back in Germany she says.
Since this has happened he has been in Spain. I was trying to tell him how hurt im but he doesnt want to listen. He says he is sorry but that he had a reason to look for company (forgot to tell, there was 2 other emails to Spanish girls, one he was asking to one of this girls if she had a girl who was her friend and single so he could go out with her and this other friend who was married, the other girl he was chatty with, saying: we must meet for coffee sometime...).
I have been trying Plan A but he is so cold in response.He things i'll never forgive him for what has happened. His plan is to bring me back to Spain where he thinks i'll be happier cos i'll be close to my family, and then ther we'll see what happens but he thinks on the long run our M wont work since it never has.
I've always had hope cos i think i love him and because of the children but i think he doesnt love me.
Do you think he can love me and be looking for girls like this?. I appreciate he is working in Spain to bring us there but what we really needed was to work on our M not to work on moving to another country, although i cant wait to move back home.
I was following Back's advise and was working well. He was melting a bit when i was so nice, but he never has say much that he is sorry or that he wants to make it up to me or anything at all!.
\Im the one who rings him everyday, send him emails, text him, and tell him nice things like that i love him and appreciate what he is doing and so on....but he doesnt want to connect emotionally to me or my pain, wants nothing to do with my hurt feelings.
Arranged councelling for Thursday, dont know if i should try and make him go. I feel there he might listen and respond a little.
\i want just compensation for his EA. Would anybody think he had an EA?. He wrote to this girl that he met a yr and a half ago this september saying: I think about you sometimes and wonder how you are.
Then he said to me: She is fine with her M now so leave her alone and dont write to her...
So i'd say they have been in touch somehow.
I want him to have his phone unblocked, to tell me where he is or what his plans are, how he feels, i want us to tall a lot and discuss our problems , but i know him so well, he'll so it for a week and that'll be it. If im not happy i can dump it, that's what he says. he says HE has to make himself happy to be there for his kids, that he cant be struggling with our M all the time.
He says: will u ever forget about our M all the time, talking about how bad things are and just try and be happy, you have a home, a car and 2 beautiful kids, why do u complain?....\
Well i do complain, my H doesnt want to spend time with me, he doesnt like intimacy or wants to invest any time in looking for solutions for this sad sad life of us.

Aranchaa,

What a sad story....I'm sorry you're hurting. Please be patient with us because the language barrier can sometimes create misunderstandings. I wish that I could see more hope for you situation, but I think your husband is very abusive and this program doesn't work well under those circumstances. He keeps you in the dark about where he goes, his business, the finances....he is physically abusive....and he's had mulitple affairs and a porn problem. These problems are enormous....together they are overwhelming and scary. I don't think you're safe with this man. Please move back to Spain close to your family so you have some help and more options. I'm sorry I couldn't offer more encouragement. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Aranchaa,

I agree with what StarFish said.

Also, there have been posters waiting for you to return to the threads you already had. You might want to go read some of the advice posted to you there already so people don't have to post it all over again.

Thanks Sf and Mm, ur opinion is not very encoraging. What u mean about language barrier?. Gosh i thought my English after been in English spoken countries for 12 yrs was very good.\
Anyway, just wanted to say that the reason why i still see a tiny bit of hope in my M is cos i think my H was a good man. I know he suffers from depression or something related to that and that he has had a difficult childhood (his father was a controller financially and end up being alcoholic).
But sometimes i blame myself for his behaviour. I need attention and he cant give it and then i get mad and he hates that.
I dont fullfil his needs for recreational companionship and every thing he does annoys me because he is hyper around the house most of the time.
Went for a walk this morning and thought i'd text him: Hi, for a walk in......and thinking about you.
This is the type of text i'd like to get from him and i never get, that's why i would want to do that for him. But he wouldnt need this kind of text from me but something just a happy face when he comes home and that i have forgotten all that's happened, but i cant do that, i can do the good face and hug for a while but i need to know what's going to happen from now on.
I agree with RIF, i wont threaten with councelling, just will offer it.
But what if things dont change, will i be able to wait in this situation until the Summer?. Also my kids are happy here, moving countries when we are thinking of getting separate shortly after will be very difficult for the children.
I am not sure he had multiple A, like Starfish said. What it looked is like that he was only chatting to all these women, i read the emails and showed they didnt know much about each other. He joined this anotherfriend.com for the month of September (not sure how long he joined for 2 yrs and a half, since i didnt see any of the emails, he said there was none, he said he just browsed around).
What hurts me most is that i thought September was a great month in our relationship. We're sleeping together again and communicating.
I emailed these girls and some of them answered (the ones he met), they said they only met once or twice and just talked about rugby or Poland...(some of them were polish girls and he has an investment property there and knows a bit about the country).
I also know that 2 yrs ago when he was in Poland for a wknd to see at a house to buy, he wrote an email to a polish girl saying: hi...if u are going out with ur friends tonight i would like to come too...being that is Sat and im on my own.
Now, he said he got sick that wknd with food poisoning....not sure what he really did.
He hides things.
He is the dad of my children and my son specially adores his dad. \I know that unless things change a lot there is no hope.
Is there any veteran here who can help me please??
I really appreciate ANY advise

Hi Aranchaa,

I'm at work so I'll post more later on this evening...

You have a lot of issues to deal with here and I want to take the time to re-read your post before I reply.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Arancha,

Thanks for posting an update. I find it easier to help you on this thread.

From what you posted, your H is having at the very least multiple emotional affairs. I strongly suspect he has had several physical affairs from some of those people and he is trolling for more.

His excuses about being lonely are not accurate. Instead he is harboring very selfish habits and attitudes at the expense of his family.

I recommend you get a plan together to make yourself the best you can be. That would be what we call plan A. If you can find any of Dr. Harley's books (i.e. Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs) in language easy for you to read, it would be good. Those books outline both plans A & B.

In addition to working on your personal improvements, you can check out your legal rights in your area. Also see if there are any agencies which specialize in helping abused families. It is vital you realize abuse when it happens and learn HOW to prevent further abuse.

From what you wrote, you have not had a good M even from the start. This is not healthy for you or your children.

Let's help you get back on your feet so you can deal with this issue with a clear mind and a calm heart. This will also help you move forward and show your H that you want what is best for your family.

Your H is a WS (wayward spouse). He needs to revert back to your H....better than he has ever been to be able to win back the love and trust his family has to give. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

thanks a lot for ur advise Orchid. \
I'm not sure about whether i should get the Surviving an Affair book. I dont know if i should at all implement Plan A. He is coming tomorrow to stay until January and dont know how should i be with him. ??
I think i should wait til we move to Spain in Summer and then find a solicitor and separate. But will i be able to play this @game@, doing like if everything is fine so he wont find out i will separate.
If he knows i want to get separate he'll be hiding money so he can make me suffer that way. If i go to a solicitor here and now,he wont know, i'll get him by surprise, he wont be able to hide anything. But the sistem is so slow in Ireland, they might not even let me move to Spain since kids have been brought up here...
If i wait til Spain, its going to be so long...but maybe this seems to be the best option at the moment for me because i'll have more family support over there
What does anybody think?
Does anybody out ther think i should implement plan A at all?

Orchid, im shocked to hear u believe he has had/is having multiple A and some could be physica. cant live with this. How do u know this?. Are u a man or a woman?. do u consider urself a veteran or expert on MB?.
thanks

Hi Aranchaa,

Orchid is a woman and one of the most experienced posters here...

I too, believe that your H is at least involved in multiple Emotional Affairs (EA). I don't know if they've gotten to the Physical Affair (PA) stage, but given what you've told us about his time away from you and his behavior, it wouldn't surprise me if he has had a PA as well.

This isn't the end of the world. However, only YOU can decide if his having an EA or PA is worth fighting for. If you decide to divorce him because of this, that is entirely your right. It's YOUR decision.

I'll post more later on this evening...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Thanks RIF, what do u mean judging for his behaiviour?, he started this new job only 2 and a half months ago. i know by a fact that all those hobbies he has had were that, hobbies,cos many times i went to see him playing soccer or whatever it was. as i said the chatting i found was very superficial talk, nothing very personal

Aranchaa,

If you look at when Orchid registered and her 17,000+ post count, you will know that she is one the most experienced veterans that we have here. So am I. There are others, but I highly suspect they'll say the same things we're saying. We are not "professionals", but over the years I would say that we have developed a certain "expertise" in explaining MB principles and strategies. We've also helped thousands of people and we have become very very good at recognizing the signs of infidelity.

There are three kinds of affairs. There are emotional affairs (EA)s which are like intense friendships. These friendships are usually secret from the spouse. They usually fill emotional needs like conversation, admiration etc. They often involve lots of letters and phone calls. Often the people involved feel "in love" with this person. These kinds of affairs can be long distance. They can cause great upheaval and destruction in the marriage....because the energy that should be invested INTO the marriage....is given to others. These EAs can easily become a physical affair (PA) which involves kissing, touching and sex. It's possible to have a PA without having an EA though.....for instance....just meeting up with someone strictly for sex and making no real emotional connection. Finally, there is a long term affair (LTA) which is a combination of the first two and becomes a full blown rival to the marriage.

Okay, so with those definitions in place.....let me quote you:


Here are some of the glaring red flags in your post (that most people here....not just vets will instantly recognize):

*registerd on adult sites....this is what people do when they're trolling for sexual partners. Have you been to these sites? There is NO OTHER purpose. People don't register on porn sites to exchange letters about their families.

*he lied about it.

*he locks his phone and computer because he needs to hide his activities.

*you discovered he talked to and sometimes met 7 or 8 women. You don't really buy the stuff these women told you do you? The one said "this is all I want to tell u". Why do you think they didn't feel comfortable telling you the rest?

*2 other girls from spain and some "sailing" activities.

These are all affairs of some kind. They are all capable of putting your marriage at great risk. One of the major things that define affairs....is that they are "SECRET". When people have nothing to hide.....they hide nothing. Your husband goes out of town and you can't even reach him!! Your husband has a secret life that undermining the intimacy in your marriage. These relationships may be meaningless....they probably ARE.....but they are NOT innocent and they most definitely qualify as affairs.

more redflags:

*he's secretive about money....very secretive. He doesn't even like you to take the children to the doctor unless it's absolutely necessary....but HE isn't accountable at all. I wonder how much his memberships to porn sites cost? Or how much money he spent travelling to see other women.

*there is domestic violence in your home....twice you had to call the "gardas". Sounds like you both have anger problems....and that's a terrible environment for your children.

I'm not saying there is no hope at all. But until your husband can be completely honest, open and accountable for his time, finances and whereabouts....you are not safe. You would have to rebuild your marriage from the bottom up.....with a foundation of trust and openess, anger management, end to affairs, and mutual respect for each other.

For your part, you need to stop being what your family describes as "difficult". Stop your lovebusters....demands, judgments, angry outbursts etc. Be calm and rational....but open your eyes and accept where you are so you can work on fixing it. You have to get rid of the "bad face" and change the things you do that contribute to the vulnerability of your marriage.

But I still think currently, you are not safe.....and I don't know how well the MB strategies will work on this marriage until the affairs and the physical arguments cease.

Maybe this clarifies a bit what i said before.
i just email the two girls at work that he was friendly with. he really asked not to because he said it would too embarracing for him to go back to work...but i just emailed them, i need to know. On Sunday he took day off (was in Spain) and rang for 5 secs, then said he had to go, cos John, his friend was there. I just thought maybe it wasnt John but some girl since his reaction was so unnatural.
If any of u pray at all, pray for me. I have very little left to fight, im exhausted and feeling really sad

Forgot to say that i dont think he subscribed to porn sites. I saw in Cookies that he had been in a couple of them, i think just browsing around.
What i meant was he put his profile in match.com and anotherfriend.com, they are matchmaking sites

A,



You have received some very valid advice on this thread. My FWH spend years dabbling in infidelity the same way as your WH has been doing. Every time he hit a rough spot in life, he started poking around on the internet or hanging out in bars collecting phone numbers. In the end, just looking was no longer enough to give him his fix and he "graduated" to a EA and finally a PA.

Yes your WH has had multiple affairs.

Who

Hi Aranchaa,

Starfish pretty much summed up what I was going to write you...

I don't think your situation is "hopeless", but there are some major steps that need to be taken before you and your H can even begin to rebuild your M.

Please re-read Starfish's last post and then post any questions you might have.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Aranchaa,

Why do you think that any of these girls would be honest to you if something were going on?

Thanks WhoMe, i cant believe this im hearing from you all, im destroyed. Can u tell me if u forgave ur H, are u divorced now?

A,

No, I am still married and we are recovered. I have long ago forgiven him, although I will never forget, and the pain, though greatly reduced, is still present.

A big part of our recovery really had to start with my FWH understanding and accepting that nothing I had done during the course of our marriage was justification for his actions. That turned out to be more difficult than either of us expected.

What helped us the most and was the main turning point was the counseling we did via phone with Jennifer. She was a godsend.

I still recommend that you try and do a good plan A for the time being. Read the books, talk to Jennifer if possible. You can always decide to go to plan B in the future.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, I know it is hard and hurts beyond belief. But you can get thru this as so many have done here. Even if you do not remain married, you can be fine in the end.

Who

Hey Aranchaa,

Mrs. RIF had 9 different A's with 9 different OM.

I've forgiven her and we've rebuilt our M... it wasn't easy and it took us about 2.5 years to rebuild.

It is possible to rebuild your M, but first, you really need to address some of these other issues that Starfish and Orchid have mentioned...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Arancha

I can add nothing to the wise counsel Starfish, RIF and Orchid gave you amongst others.

Knowledge is your friend at this time - study affairs and the MB tools so you start to understand the dynamics of the situation you find yourself in.

I strongly suggest "surviving an affair" first which you can get from Amazon or bookdepository for around €12.

The more you know about your "enemy" ( the affairs, not your H) the better equipped you will be for this fight.

all blessings