Plan B is needed but your mind and heart must be in sync... this means you won't be talked into taking a WS back. You want your H back not the WS. In fact you want your H back WITH improvements.

Are you filing for separation? If not, check out your legal options. Make sure you can attach his wages to ensure financial support.

L.

Okay, My1stLove, I re-read your first post. It helps greatly in understanding your situation.

If I may be permitted to be "judgmental" for a minute, it is my estimation, based on the information you provided, that your husband is not a Christian in anything more than his "claim" to be a Christian. There is NO evidence of a "changed life." There is no evidence of obedience to God's commands. There is nothing there but self-centered selfishness, wanton use of other people for his own purposes, and using "Christianity" to manipulate and control others who ARE believers and who believe in things like the sanctity of marriage and that God hates divorce.

He has learned enough about what Christianity teaches to USE parts of it to serve HIS purposes, not God's purpose.

So a few comments for you to consider.

First, if you were my daughter (and you are the age of my daugthers), I would not only tell you to get a divorce, I'd take you to the attorney and file for divorce on the basis of adultery and abandonment.

GET the money that is due not only you, but your children. He may have been the "sperm donor," but he is NOT a "father."

What your husband IS, and I know it hurts to think about this and my purpose isn't to hurt you but to hopefully get you to start thinking about reality, is a "wolf in sheeps clothing, prowling around, seeking whom he may devour."

My1stLove, God is a God of Peace and that is one of the reasons that Jesus granted Faithful Spouses the RIGHT to a divorce due to marital unfaithfulness.

It is NOT often that I tell someone to abandon "MB Principles" and "go directly to divorce." But your case is where "reality hits theory." Your husband is SET in his lying, cheating, self-centered ways at his age and is NOT going to change. The only way he COULD change is if he truly accepted Christ as his Lord and Savior, but he's not likely to that BECAUSE it would "screw up his being able to do whatever he feels like doing." He is NOT going to surrender his life to you, and you can bet he is NOT going to surrender his life to God and humbly obey God because he WANTS to do whatever he wants to do and to be "answerable" to no one. THAT is why he keeps pushing you for an "uncontested divorce."

Do NOT go that route. FILE yourself, for divorce, and file for CAUSE.

Divorce may be "scary" to you. It is for most people, especially "good people." Your husband is not "good people," and he just wants to "guilt" you into doing things "his way" so that he can (once again) escape the responsibilities and consequences for HIS CHOICES and ACTIONS.

Wanting to be a nurse is NOT "selfish." That is terrific. If that is what you want to pursue I would give you the most enthusiastic support to "follow that dream."

DO it. Do NOT let your husband stand in your way.

If you may be struggling with the Scriptural basis for getting a divorce, let me know and I'll quote some relevant Scripture and discuss it a little with you. But for now, take it from one who IS a Christian, get out of that abusive relationship NOW. He is NOT a believer and he has NO "gifts from God" for any ministry, healing, or otherwise. His "ministry" is sin, willful disobedience to God to get whatever he wants and to USE other people to get it.

Do you have a Pastor you can talk with? Do you have other Christians who are more "mature" in the faith and who can talk with you about your situation and what God's will for you might be?

If not, there ARE believers on this system who WILL talk with you. Not the same as "face to face" and "real time," I know, but at least you can get some sound biblical counsel.

God bless.

[color:"purple"]Thanks for the insight! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree, if he wanted to work things out...I am not going to take the same thing back. I truly have to see a complete change. I'm not going to go through the same thing again especially with the children, I can't deal w/the constant instability.

I;m in California and I was about to file for a legal separation when before I filed I found out (thought I knew all there was to know) that here in California the defendant has one of two ways of responding--to agree w/the legal separation OR want a divorce instead. That would start the divorce process, you can't undo it, and I would have to file and pay all over again. I'm glad the attorney let me know right before I was about to file...

Realistically, is there a chance that plan B will work in my situation with my WH?[/color]

[color:"purple"]I know...my husband is a wolf in sheep's clothing! Hurts real bad. I know now that I'm reading my Bible and seeking God that what he says and does, does not align with the Word of God.Like when he told me, "The Lord won't bless you because you are holding me back from a divorce and are keeping me from doing what I need to do, you're in the wrong and you rebel." I KNOW that is not true. I just can't believe he still thinks I'm naive like that.[/color]


[color:"purple"]I see thst, those are very realistic points. I feel like he will not change unless he TOTALLY gives his life to Christ instead of running...if it comes down to a divorce, I am NOT going to let it go uncontested. It won't be out of vengeance but I feel like, as you stated, to get what me and my kids deserve. The majority of his child support orders will be ending like within a year and he thought that would only leave him w/2 orders left...I told him I have already filed for child support and that he has to be served. I hope they find him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> [/color]


[color:"purple"]Yes..it seems now I see that he answers to no one but himself...it's crazy to me b/c I just think about the age he is and wonder why he acts so immature. But another thing on my part is that I told him BIG lies not intending to hurt him but I was crying out hoping he would notice not only me but this family and how we were was not a family b/c he was always gone! He used to say we don't communicate, well how can I communicate w/him when he is always gone?? I feel like on my part, those LIES contributed to him wanting to sleep around (which I found out was more than that OW!)...but I also feel like I should no longer feel condemned for it. I know I should've just talked to him about everything I felt like was going wrong instead of doing that, but he doesn't like confrontation and when I would try to talk he would turn things around to make it where everything was my fault!

I do have several close friends in Christ and my Pastor and his wife back at my home church who I speak with sometimes. I know God can make miracles happen, but I feel like my husband would have to surrender his life, like you said, to God before that can even happen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />[/color]

Thank everyone who has responded. It means a lot. If anyone is reading the first post in this thread and feels like they can help, please do.

Did you have an affair with a married man? What do you mean by He started something and hasn't even finished with me?

[color:"purple"]No I have never been with anyone but my husband. He was divorced for almost 2 years before we married. I meant he started an affair and is not finished with our marriage, hasn't filed. (divorce).[/color]

[color:"purple"]Hey Orchid, I read your posts about babbling...my goodness I wish I fond this board much earlier! But I guess it
s for a reason why I've found it just now. Is it too late for me to even implement a plan B under my circumstances? I read other people's posts in regards to WS's being wishy-washy, like how my WH is sometimes...

how do I deal when he tells me,

"I just want to be free from you"

"I just want my name back"

"you are so stupid, I don't know why you won't sign the divorce papers, we are NEVER EVER getting back together"

(after he told me this..I said "I guess we're just going to be some married folks while I'm overseas"

I feel like I've lost some battles not knowing what to say back to him when he uses words to get to my emotions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />[/color]

RB: Yea.... I need to be free from the horrible clutches of you as the WS.


Orchid: Which name.... WS? (yea... I heard this one.... I told H his name now was 'wayward spouse') <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />


RB: Yes, you are stupid and that's not just my opinion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Btw, I don't want to get with a WS, they stink.


Orchid: So what did he say? Did he have a confused look? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: Throw it right back at him. You may need to practice a bit. I used the bathroom mirror.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

My1st, I got your email this morning. Actually, I had read your story before but I really didn't know what to say. I wanted to wait and see if others were thinking what I was thinking.

Sweetie, I'm with FH. Run! You need to divorce this man because he is evil. He is not good for you OR your children. Here are the reasons why.

1. You married him after only knowing him for THREE months.

2. He is not a Christian, even worse, he claims to be one with a gift of healing and prophecy. A man with these gifts would NEVER behave as he has.

3. He started going out TWO WEEKS after you were married.

4. He is an adulterer (probably many times over).

5. He gave you AND your precious daughter an STD.

6. He has “MANY other children”, children by you and is busy having more children.

7. He has abandoned you and your children.

8. He has placed you and your children in danger.

9. He is mentally abusive and cruel to you.

10. He steals money from you when he has the chance.

11. There are 17 years difference in your ages. His current GF is six years younger than you, meaning there are 23 years difference in their ages. He is an ex-convict who preys on young women like yourself. The older he gets, the younger the women will get.

12. “God has opened a door” for you to make a better life for you and your kids.

He is in no way, shape, form or fashion a Christian and I doubt sincerely that he ever has been. Could God intervene and turn this around? Yes, but it would require that your husband surrender totally, repent and deal with the consequences of his actions.

Even if God did do this, there is still a huge mess left to clean up. Do you really want to deal with this FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? Because that's how it will be.

You deserve better. You are still very young. Biblically, you can release this man by divorcing him. I will even go as far as to suggest that you have his parental rights terminated to COMPLETELY get this man out of your life and the lives of your children.

If you don’t want to do this, then at least file for divorce and go after him for child support. As conniving as he is though, I doubt you’ll be able to collect. I say cut your losses now and move on with your life.

Whatever you do, stay here and READ, READ, READ the MB materials. It will help you with your own personal growth and prepare you for a NORMAL and GODLY marriage in the future.

princessmeggy - Amen!

Hello My1stLove,
I don’t want to overwhelm you with my opinion. I don’t want to burst your dreams. You could write to Joyce and talk to Dr Harley on the radio.

That being said and knowing that Dr Harley he is Christian, I’m of the opinion that he would strongly encourage you to go to full divorce with no contact, no plan A, no plan B, and right away. I’m sorry for that but please realise that it is the best for all.

A personality is described by past behavior and attitude. He is destructive. It would endanger you and your children to try anything other than divorce with no contact. What that man is doing should be criminal. It is way over your head and outside of any resources existing.

I would not even attempt to reverse babble with a person like that. You will go berserk. No contact.

Please keep posting.

Please heed PrincessMeggys advice. The man you describe as your husband is a sociopath.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you often feel used by the person?

2. Have you often felt that he doesn't care about you?

3. Does he lie and deceive you?

4. Does he tend to make contradictory statements?

5. Does he tend to take from you and not give back much?

6. Does he often appeal to pity? Does he seem to try to make you feel sorry for him?

7. Does he try to make you feel guilty?

8. Do you sometimes feel he is taking advantage of your good nature?

9. Does he seem easily bored and need constant stimulation?

10. Does he use a lot of flattery? Does he interact with you in a way that makes you feel flattered even if he says nothing overtly complimentary?

11. Does he make you feel worried? Does he do it obviously or more cleverly and sneakily?

12. Does he give you the impression you owe him?

13. Does he chronically fail to take responsibility for harming others? Does he blame everyone and everything but himself?

And does he do these things far more than the other people in your life?

Did you get my email response this morning? Would you consider a PI? MelodyLane knows of one that's reasonably inexpensive and she can tell you how to contact him.

Could you continue to post on your thread instead of emailing me? I don't always check my email. Besides that, there are lots of people here who may be better qualified to help you in some things in ways that I can't.

Orchid: So what did he say? Did he have a confused look? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: Throw it right back at him. You may need to practice a bit. I used the bathroom mirror.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L. [/quote]

[color:"purple"]Hi Orchid,

when I told him that he actually I was thrown off and then was like "well you do what you want to do there is no relationship anyway."

There are so may other thigns he has said to me which I really don't get sometimes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />[/color]

[color:"purple"]Thanks, I know I have been decieved many times by him. It hurts! But in your opinion, do you think that me telling lies to him made him want to do those things such as cheat on me? Or was it realistically destined to happen?

I tell you it hurts b/c I TRUSTED him with my life and he gave me 2 STDs while I was pregnant and doesn't seem to even CARE that he did that or wasn't thinking of the consequences before he did it that having sex with me would put the baby at risk for STDs. He doesn't even care! Doesn't even mention it or say sorry!! He wants to keep everything he has done on the "down low" so his image won't be tainted. I know his mom and bro knows what's going on but I don't know if they knew about the STDs. Do I still expose him? I was seriously thinking of posting something about him on dontdatehimgirl . com and even talking to his Pastor. And worse of all now that the OW has found out for sure that he IS married and did leave his kids...that she is still willing to be with him and have his baby! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I know that nothing is impossible for God, but if my WH is not willing to surrender his life to Christ...b/c he's running away from Him. Then I read about that one verse in Proverbs that talks about how a person who's committing adultery his destroying his life...oh gosh that's deep and it hurts.[/color]

[color:"purple"]I definitely agree with the no contact. You know sometimes I did go beserk talking to him b/c as you stated before reasoning w/him is like reasoning with a drunk person. I haven't talked to him in over 2 weeks and it feels great. About the divorce, why does it seem like I can't get myself to go and file?

Would you think I'm crazy if I wanted to wait for a bit and see if I'm more comfortable with it? He says he will file, but from his history, he wasn't the one to file for anything.[/color]

[color:"purple"]Wow, yes to all that above. When we did talk he would turn things around and try to make me pity him for whatever reasons. Ugh, makes me sick. And you know what for the first time since I've known him I am actually starting to become turned off and now I'm starting to see my own husband as a loser, an irresponsible jerk! But I know I cannot harbor that anger in my heart or else I will himder my own prayers for being heard and answered. I use to ask him and I was being serious if he was bipolar...

Can that shooting add more to his behavior or made it worse?
[/color]

[color:"purple"]Well to make myself feel better, I got a haircut yesterday and have decided that I will get back to taking care of myself like I used to! That means going out dressed to kill regardless of where I'm going! I felt like I let myself lose myself by putting him first to the point where I was ignoring my own needs! I asked the Lord to please give me peace and to help me not to focus on my WH...it is just too much for me, especially when I have 2 younger children to look after.

I also need some help if anyone can help me with this...I e-mailed this to PM and I'm posting it here in hopes that I can get advice on how to obtain info...

I am trying to find out where he currently stays or works. I know his social, I know his current phone number.....he dosn't work at his last known employer and when I sent some certified mail to him at our last known address where he was also last known to be staying at it came back as "addressee unknown". If he's staying in an apartment is there a way I can find out where? I also know this OW's cell number, is there a way I can find out her first and last name? (I even came upon her myspace page!) Also...he can be staying with this OW or let her get a place b/c she most likely has good credit...any suggestions?

Child support cases for both of our children have been opened up in the state he's in Arkansas and they said he WILL be served but how when I'm not sure where he's staying at?[/color]