My1stlove, I wouldn't suggest waiting for a feeling. You can't allow your feelings to drive the ship here, lest you end up crashed on the rocks. Make a decision and just ACT ON IT and move forward here. It seems you have agree wtih the others the best thing is to file and end all contact; I think you should act on that. The goal here is not to make you feel comfortable, but to protect your best interests. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MOVE FORWARD, MADAM! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

p.s. here is the link of good PI that some folks here have used. He might be able to track down your H. Just call and ask for Frank Music: http://www.frankmusicinvestigations.net/

[color:"purple"]The reason why I can't file for a divorce now is that I am planning to study abroad overseas and filing (me or him) will delay my plans until it is finalized unless I file or he files after I arrive in the country I plan to study in.

Just a reminder incase it was overlooked, I am acting as if I'm a single mom of 2 young children, 2.5 years old and 5 mos old! Yes, I am a college graduate but majored in a very broad field and I'm being realistic here...I also live in CA, it's not very cheap living here. I have to consider expenses for housing, food, clothes, utilities, transportation, and daycare (which I dread paying for), etc. I AM on welfare and living w/family right now, but they are going to leave by April/May of 2008.

I don't doubt me making it on my own, but with my plans going to school for nursing I have to consider the pros and cons of staying here or going abroad for several years...

But then again that all depends on whether my children's passports are approved or not...

My WH will be served w/child support orders for both children but I have no idea if I will even get anything from him right now b/c he may be working at another job "under the table".

I checked out that P.I., will he work with me if I live in another state? B/c I read that it says "as long as the case originates in VA"...wasn't sure what that meant. I will call today.

I've asked for the things I need in order to achieve my goals whether it be here or abroad. And I know if I believe it in my heart that He can make it happen then I know it will happen.

I just feel saddened by my WH's actions...he doesn't give flip! I even reminded him about me going abroad with the kids and that I WASN'T going to sign divorce papers uncontested in exchange for him also signing for their passports. Wife 1,2, and 3 let him off the hook...but this wife is different. I'm not even doing anything out of vengeance but I feel it's NOT alright to treat your wife and babies like this for whatever reason.

But I AM still looking for decent paying jobs that will pay $3500 or more a month AFTER taxes. I am grateful for the welfare system, but I am not going to depend on it.

I just don't want my chilren to struggle.

My WH told me, "go ahead, do what you want to do, there is no relationship anyway..." So what does that really mean?

(please don't think I'm dumb for asking that)

But it's like he's wishy-washy at times...for ex., one of the times he called me and I called him back he asked if "that girl" called me again and I told him yes a couple of times private then he said, "oh I don't talk to her either..." then a couple of days later we get into it on the phone and he's letting her talk to me for him! What was that all about??!!

I am praying and just praising/worshipping God b/c I cannot take this...I've got so much more things to worry about. I have to get myself together emotionally and mentally for my kids. [/color]

We call that "fog talk" and I would prefer not to try to understand a lost person.

My1stLove

What attracted you to this man in the first place??


Also, a couple of question for you to think about.......

What makes you want to stay married to this man? .....What has this man done in your life to make it better in ANY way???

girl....he sounds straight thug.....considering his past and how many children he has...RUN...seriously...you don't need a scrub who is an abuser and has abandonment written all over him....he hasn't grown up yet....he runs from his responsibilities into new "better" situations until those situations become too much for him and he runs from those responsiblities as well. It's a viscious never ending cycle he sounds unwilling to break....and at this point he probally won't....it's like a dog with behaviour issues...once they are learned they are hard to break and most likely won't. I think you just need to focus on yourself and your beautiful children and not the high school drama queen antics of your WH and OW. Just my .02 on the situation....if you need some help let me know my email is in my bio drop me a line.

[color:"purple"]His "spirituality"...now that I look back, he seemed to tell me stories which I believe are true, but to make me feel sorry for him. And he's my "first" we've got 2 kids...it's just hard for me.

Well it was always be that wanted to make it better, and then when I would...he would get jealous and say I'm self-ish. It was almost like he was satisfied w/being complacent and the mediocre life.[/color]

[color:"purple"]Yeah I wonder why he really was interested in pursuing me so much in the first place. He used to tell me he was tired of the same old thing..the "hood-rats". Ok, I'm from the 'burbs...he knew that, I knew what kind of neighborhood he's from...but I didn't care, I adjusted pretty well. I loved that man so much...though I still do sometimes I am disgusted by him. I'm beginning to see him a different light...[/color]

[color:"purple"]Wow,

well I must admit I see the very points you guys are trying to make and it does all make much sense. I don't think it's the destructiveness that attracts me to him, it's him..I mean he's my husband. And I know I have to do what I need to do right now and put the children first.

Even way before I knew about MB and a Plan A or a Plan B, I realize I was doing things that involved Plan A even after I found out about the affair.

But today.. I DID call the OW's MOM, yes her MOM. And we spoke very adult-like and I told her what she needed to know...her husband was there, too. I felt like before I officially go in TOTAL darkness that I needed to do that. The OW (who's 20) was in the background gretting really frustrated and ANGRY...but I was telling her mom the very same exact things she told me and she was telling her mom I was LYING and it did seem like the OW and my husband were finding every little thing that was wrong I know I made my WH REALLY mad...I sincerely felt like the Mom knew I was telling her the truth, not just my side b/c I know she was comparing what my husband may have said and what her daughter told her.

Then when I was almost ready to get off, the OW calls my husband and then they both are angrier and frustrated. Then the OW calls my husband and tries to put him on speakerphone and he starts raising his voice...that's when I took control and ended the call by telling the mom "Well I think I said what I needed to say and you have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year."

I forgot to ask where he stayed as far as his address goes. But I know that should be the last phone call from me and I'll try to find it some other way so I can make sure those child support papers are served to him. Ugh, I can't believe I forgot to ask!!!!!!!!!

My questions:

Is it normal to feel bad?

I told her I wasn't doing this to bash my husband and that I love him and hope that he will come to his senses but I felt like this was the right thing to do and that they needed to hear FROM ME.

She askes me if my WH's mom and bro liked me and I said I'm sure they do...and she said she believes it b/c she knows that me and his mom WILL continue to talk for the kids. (her grandchildren)

I know from my part I contributed to the distancing b/c I was telling him half-lies and half-truths in an attempt to bring us closer (read my story if you haven't to know what I'm talking about.)

But I have been sorry and repentant. Do I still deserve to be treated like this? DO my children deserve it?

I asked her mom is she was pregnant and she told me no..I doubt that. And Yes, I did tell her how many times he's been married and how many kids he has. And she asked my age and I told her then she says "I don't know why (WH's name) does this to these young girls." And about the how many kids he has she told me,"Yeah I've heard about that."

My WH says he is going to file and the OW's mom said, "I don't believe he will file. Just keep praying and she told me she would, too."

She asked when we which I actually left the house b/c he told me to get out, and I told her when and why...and her daughter told her, "that was around the same time we got together..." But the only time he stated anything about a divorce for the first time was this past August when he was trying to talk me into filing first.

And I sincerely felt the peace and presence of God with us during my conversation with the OW's mom. And I felt she understood b/c she, herself is a married woman. I said a prayer before I called and it was for me to say what I needed to say and for who ever I would be talking to would have a sympathetic ear..I know with her being an older and wiser woman she knew and felt what I was telling her was honest and truthful.

Oh my gosh..I feel a ton of bricks have been lifted off of my chest. So there, now it is totally OUT IN THE OPEN.

I pray and pray that the qualities in a spouse I would like would end up in my husband that somehow God will turn it around..as crazy as I may sound I just feel that way. I am aware that time and patience are essential...

And if he DOES file, then he does. I know I will do whatever is necessary to get what I need to get even if it will be a while that I do get it.

or Even if time and time passes by, it may come to me filing...but I know I should not worry about it any longer.

I feel like I have to put my warrior suit on now...and I know he's trying to cal my phone which Ihave turned off for the moment but will leave a message telling him that if he needs to call me he can contact my lawyer at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

I feel much better, but why do I also feel bad for actually being the one to call? (But I only found out her mom's number when she slipped and told me that she called me from her house one time..)[/color]

The mom also told me that if I continue to live the way God wants me to that he will work it out. I feel this is definitely the beginning...

So what now?

What can I expect my WH to do and say?

What threats and disrespectful fogbabble will I hear on my voicemail or read on my text messages?

1st,

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. I can't predict what your H will do....but what I suspect he will do is the more of the same. I know you love him, but I can't tell you to pursue a situation that is so unhealthy and likely to harm you even more. All things are possible with God, but I have to believe that God has other plans for someone as sweet as you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Spiritual people and especially true Christians do not make a habit of having multiple marriages and multiple children all over. Sorry, I just dont buy that one. Like I asked earlier...........WHAT HAS THIS MAN DONE TO MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I want to thank you in the name of the other people who can fall victim to him, like you have. I still believe he is too much for you to handle and that you should go dark and divorce.

I think you can call back OW's mom to get your WH's address to be served child support. WH’s and OW’s anger when exposing is normal but I don’t know in your very particular cas if it is worth it.

You may want to think of finding out how the other XWs of WH are doing.

Have you thought of talking to Dr Bill Harley on his radio show?

How can I get through the lines to speak to him?

I've done it twice and it was really easy to get on. Have you tried? Maybe you can call 10 to 20 minutes before the show to get in line.

DL

Oh my goodness, what a sad story. I really feel for you.

I've read your entire thread and here is my 2cents worth!

I'm in total agreement, in particular, with what Forever Hers and Princess Meggy said. Your husband is NOT a Christian, but a wolf in sheeps clothing.

You remind me so much of me in some ways. Throughout your thread you keep asking if you deserve this because of things you did. The answer is NO. NO NO NO NO NO! You need to BELIEVE that. Satan wants you to keep doubting it so he can keep you torn and confused. You need to think clearly now and get the truth deep in your heart that nothing you did CAUSED your H to make the decisions he's made. He was making these decisions LONG before he even met you.

You asked:
"But in your opinion, do you think that me telling lies to him made him want to do those things such as cheat on me? Or was it realistically destined to happen?"

Hopefully we're all getting through to you that this man has a history long before you. I don't believe so much in 'destiny' but in free choice. Something God gave us. This man wasn't destined to do these things - he made the CHOICE to.

I think there are lots more things to talk with you about - but one step at a time for now.

All I can tell you is what my experience was in deciding and struggling with the question of whether to file for divorce (as a Christian who never dreamed I'd be there). I never ever felt God tell me to 'go file for divorce'. What I did do was pray for the truth of what my XH was doing (he moved in with OW and tried to keep it all hidden etc). God ALWAYS showed me what he was up to (and he used to get so cranky that I always seemed one step ahead of him!!). In the end I had the bible - the very word of God - which told me I was free to divorce because of his adultery. That didn't mean I had to, but it was my God-given right should I choose it. In the end, 18 months after D-day I had to decide what "I" wanted to do. God had let me know everything I needed to know - I had his word and I had my answered prayers. It was time to make a head decision and not a heart/feelings decision.

It was a process. I learned so much along the way. You need to know you have a God-given right to file for divorce. You need to look at all the evidence before you. This man's past and still current behaviour. God COULD turn this man around, but He will not interfer with the free choice He has given your husband. God won't MAKE him do anything.

I pray for clarity, wisdom and understanding for you. He is a gentle, loving God - he will meet you where you are and answer you in ways you will understand. Keep asking!

[color:"purple"]Yes, I know that now... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />[/color]


[color:"purple"]Thanks so much, I now know it wasn't the right thing to do. But I was trying to reach him, he doesn't like confrontation and when I do try to talk he turns the subject around or throws me off then I don't get to say what I want to.

Thanks for pointing out satan wants me to believe that, b/c that's what I've been struggling w/this week.."if i never told those lies then this would've never happened." or "i lost his trust and he's so mad that maybe i do deserve this." Him and his gf keep telling me "well if you didn't lie this would've never happened." But you're right...I shouldn't feel condemned or guilty!

And yes, he has been making those decisions long before he met me..I just thought he would change or he was changing b/c he wanted to and wanted to do the right things. I remember people telling me and him "you better treat her right. She's a good woman. Don't just leave her in the house, take her out w/you, etc." People would even tell me "he better treat you right.." His brother even told me that!!!! Now I see.[/color]


[color:"purple"]That is soooo true!! Thank you Jesus! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Of course he wasn't destined to do these bad things...those were his choices.[/color]

[quote}I think there are lots more things to talk with you about - but one step at a time for now.

All I can tell you is what my experience was in deciding and struggling with the question of whether to file for divorce (as a Christian who never dreamed I'd be there). I never ever felt God tell me to 'go file for divorce'. What I did do was pray for the truth of what my XH was doing (he moved in with OW and tried to keep it all hidden etc). God ALWAYS showed me what he was up to (and he used to get so cranky that I always seemed one step ahead of him!!). In the end I had the bible - the very word of God - which told me I was free to divorce because of his adultery. That didn't mean I had to, but it was my God-given right should I choose it. In the end, 18 months after D-day I had to decide what "I" wanted to do. God had let me know everything I needed to know - I had his word and I had my answered prayers. It was time to make a head decision and not a heart/feelings decision.[/quote]

[color:"purple"]Amen to that! I have been praying for the truth..I pray for God to reveal to me the things I should know...which is everything! I'm finding out about so many things...and I'm not even in the same state he's living in. And I totally agree with making it a head decision, not heart decision.[/color]


[color:"purple"]And this is why I am going dark. By doing this I found that I can think straight...I mean I do get sad and cry sometimes, but it gives me a clearer picture on what I need to do...what I shoud prepare for. And my babies!! Oh my precious babies I need to be strong for them.

I love my husband, but now I realize nothing can happen unless he totally surrenders himself to Christ. He needs to bury his "old self" and be born again.

This is NOT the end, this is only the beginning of the great things God will do in the lives of me and my children.[/color]

[color:"purple"]Ok...got a text message from WH..and voicemail...I refuse to listen to voiemail. My voicemail says "Praise the Lord! Please leave your name, number, and a brief message and I'll return your call. If this is my husband and you want to discuss a divorce suit, call my attorney J.R. at xxx-xxx-xxxx."

Anyhow, this is what he texted me:

"You have a lot of balls. I was over there when you were doing all that talking. You are so dumb that don't know..so telling all made you look dumb. I was right there."

I sure feel like texting him back, I know I've got more balls than you, I know you're dumb.

BUT I didn't care if he was there or not...I wasn't trying to reveal it to them when he wasn't around, that wasn't even my concern. I don't think he was there, b/c then the OW wouldn't use words like, "I told (WH's name)..." or her mom would've never said "(WH's name) Your wife says she loves you." While speaking to him through the speakerphone on OW's cell phone. Unless they put me on speaker and OW called him so he could listen.

Well if he wasn't there, he sure didn't say anything to defend himself.

Please someone decode that for me...because it doesn't make any sense!![/color]

Sounds to me like he's just trying to bamboozle you. Active WSs are usually very good at lying and misdirection. File it away for use in your D suit.

If i were you I would just give up on all the drama and get a clean divorce. Why do you have time for all this drama? Your husband is going to do what he darn well pleases and there is basically nothing you can do about it. Are you loving all the drama, intrigue, etc? Let him go!

1. You married a dirtbag who has had sex with many women and had many children.

2. You thought this dirtbag would change so you married him as if he were some GREAT PRIZE. Were you blind my friend?

3. You had a couple innocent children with your dirtbag.

4. He got involved in criminal activity as any dirtbag would do. This is all common to dirtbags everywhere.

5. Now you are hurt and sad that he is still acting like the total dirtbag, trashbag that he is, having affairs, having more children, being mean to you, like he always has been like.

6. You have some idea this man would have changed for you. You dont realize he is a bad bad man and you have been a total young fool for him to use and discard just like he did all his other wives and girlfriends.

7. There is nothing new about you, you were just stupid enough to fall for this dirtbag and his tricks. After you divorce him, get counseling to find out why you would be attracted to dirtbag men like him in the first place and ruin your life over them. Your life is precious, why waste it like this.

[color:"purple"]I know I'm hurt by my husband...but let's stop w/the name calling. Thanks.[/color]