I am reaching out for any help I can get. I am seven months pregnant with our very planned second child. It took us almost a year just to get pregnant. We also have a 2 1/2 year old.
(((((GMH))))) I am so sorry you are going through this. I was 6 months pregnant with my DD at my D-day and I also have a 2 1/2 year old son. This so difficult to go through as it is, let alone when you are pregnant!
After spending Thanksgiving away with my H's family he blind-sides me with "I am not happy". I am so confused. I think he is severely depressed and stressed out, he has been working two jobs. I am not sure why he is doing this to us. I am not sure he knows. I am so scared.
I understand your confusion and fear. It is difficult to know "why" this is happening. I still do not know why. Having your whole world turned upside down in a matter of minutes is totally devastating and frightening. But if you follow the plans (Plan A and B: see the thread of "notable posts" at the top of the page), at least you will feel that you gave your marriage your all and it will give you some control in this terrible situation.
I am due in February and I want him to bond with this child. I don't feel like he truly realizes she is coming! I just feel so hopeless. He left the house and is staying at his mother’s house. I am scared that the longer he stays away from our family the easier he thinks it will be to end our marriage.
I had the same worry about my WH bonding with our daughter. The fact is, when they are in this state of mind and have made the decision to leave the family for the OW, they will not bond as they would if they were committed. There is nothing you can do to "make" the bond happen.
I even allowed my WH to come over as frequently as he wanted for the last month and a half...he still doesn't seem bonded with our daughter, though he now misses his son (which he didn't show any signs of for the first 3 months).
My WH moved out 3 days after D-day, bought all new appliances and household items as if he were going to be gone forever. He has occasionally made comments about "not being sure about divorcing" and has not even filed yet (it's been 5 months since D-day). So even when they say they are done do things that seem to back that up, they will have second thoughts even if they don't tell you.
He said we don't get along, we fight all the time. In my opinion we don't fight. We have, what I thought, was the usual arguments....talking about whether or not to move, buying a new car, etc. These were never "heated" discussions, we never got so mad at each other we would need to cool off. I believe he is stressed out and thinks giving up is the easy way out.
This is all what is known as "fog" talk (i.e. rationalizing their disgusting decision to engage in the affair). They will make up any excuse to do this vile thing because they know it's wrong. They all rewrite the history of the marriage as well. They will say the weirdest things about how they never loved you or stopped loving you (blank) many years ago, you always argued..yada yada yada. Read the thread about "foggiest things WS say"..it has them all.
So you really can't believe any of it and it's really best if you don't even listen or take it to heart. Difficult thing to do, I know, but necessary if you don't want to drive yourself crazy or cry all the time because of hurt feelings.
He works a full-time job to support us and is also trying to start a business. That business is starting to pick up. He knows he can't leave his "job" until after the baby because they pay 100% of all of our insurance. His dad's wife (step-mom) just recently left him in September. His sister hasn't been happy in her marriage and just told her husband.
It's amazing with all these things going on he found time to engage in an affair isnt' it? Well, just wait until the fantasy wears off a bit and then all these things will start to cause some serious stress for him and for his relationship with the OW.
I felt we were okay but would ask him if he was happy or if there was anything that we could do differently if something did bother him. I would tell him "I don't want to end up like your dad and sister". He said everything was fine. After talking with him a little I see that these arguments bothered him more than they did me. There were other things that bothered him but to me seemed so easy to fix if I had only known. I feel like the reasons he has given as to why he left are soooo easy to work through. I just want a chance to do that and I don't know how to show him that this can work!
Again, WS rewrite history, but plan A is designed to help you see your short comings and fix those. You will show him that he is leaving a truly awesome wife when you make those changes. Just PLEASE, PLEASE don't expect him to acknowledge your changes while he is in an affair. I was always hoping for some encouragement from my WH about how "great" I was as a wife, and he would occasionally comment on it, but has not stopped the affair.
Just so you know, Plan A does not often stop the affair. But when the affair ends (and they almost all do, I think the figure is 95% end with in 2 years), your WH will look back on your changes and remember what a great wife he left.
I tried asking if he would give us a try. It isn't fair that I didn't know there was a problem until "you say it is too late to fix". I don't think I could get him to go to a counselor He has said that "no one" understands how he is feeling and feels everyone just says "make it work". But I reassured him I don't want him to just "make it work" I want an honest good hard "try". I feel he is just severely depressed and isn't thinking rationally.
When WS are in an affair, they will not give the BS a "try". They are so high on the affair and fantasy that it will be so much better with the OW, that they will not accept your changes right away.
When I did my plan A, my WH said things like "too little too late". I was crushed because (AGAIN) I expected him to acknowledge my changes. WS don't do this. Read this again and again until you understand that and don't torture yourself when they say things like that.
Now last night he threw out that he just doesn’t feel the same anymore. It doesn’t make sense to me. If that were true how could I not see signs that he was not happy? He would compliment me all the time, we were very loving, he would tell me he loved me every time we hung up the phone, he would kiss me goodbye and hello and so many other things. All of this is so sudden. I only started to notice some “coldness” from him the week before Thanksgiving.
All fog talk. My WH and I were extremely close before D-day, he told me he loved me too. 3 days later he kissed the OW at work and was out of the house 3 days after that.
I know that he has been talking with someone else. He says there are no feelings for this woman. She is just someone to talk to. I just found the phone bill and figured out who this person is. He used to work with her, she is probably 10 years older than she is. She (IMO) is very messed up herself. She has two children 14 and 3. Her second husband left her (pregnant, I think….if not pregnant then with in a few months of their baby being born). They were married maybe 2 years?! The older son’s father is not in the picture AT ALL. Not that these things make her "messed up" but maybe she is saying that it is okay to leave his family while I am pregnant....she got through it?!
He's lying about his feelings. All WS lie, it goes hand in hand with adultery. If he's calling her, he's interested. Men usually don't talk frequently with women unless they are related to them or they find them attractive.
My WH's OW was divorced, slept around (even was with a Married Man before) had a live in boyfriend who she has a child with...so yes. Most OW are pretty messed up, they would have to be to engage in an affair with a married man.
She was cheated on by her first husband and also told her XBF that he and I would "get over this" because she did. They are pretty disgusting in their rationalizations too, because they don't like to see themselves as the horrible homewreckers that they are.
Am I being stupid by believing him when he tells me there is no “attachment” to this OW? I don’t understand why he is being so selfish right now, why he doesn’t want to TRY and make this work for his kids?! I don’t know what to do or say to make him realize that he is making a mistake. I don’t want to give up….I want to keep fighting for him but I am beginning to feel like I don’t have a chance. Help?!
Not stupid, just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. But you really can't. His actions are showing he is involved in an affair. You just don't leave your pregnant wife and "happen" to be talking to another woman. Those things are pretty big red flags.
And in my case, my WH lied to me for over 2 months saying he had not been intimate with his OW because he was afraid we would divorce. And I totally believed him too. So just remember that they lie, lie, lie.
Again, I am sorry you are going through this at such a special time in your life.
Please read on plans A and B and let us know what your strategy is to save your marriage.
I will be praying for you!
Sara
