I've been posting for some time under the screen name wonderin in EN. My H and I have been fighting for years over 10 pounds he would like me to loose, and I just found out my H of 7 years has been having an affair for 5 months. I would love nothing more than to die right now. It hurts so bad. How do you get past this? Or do I even want to? Is staying with him for my kid's sake the right thing to do? Do I ask a lot of questions, or is it better not to know? I don't know what to do. I am so scared. I'm 30, I have a D and a S on the way. I've been told for 5 years that I'm fat...who will want me? How do you get past this? I'm rambling, I know...my thoughts are all over the place. I really need help.

Wonderin,
I am so sorry you have to go thru this. I have felt ahuge amount of pain also. You are not alone! Look at the thousands of posts on this board...

Yoru husband is in a fog from the affair. He is using psychobabble affiar fog-speak to convince you that you are bad, and control you. Do not listen! read everything you can find on this site!!!!! Read up on Plan A, do NOT give up, you can rebuild this. Do not stop fighting for your family. You have to stay strong and use the stuff on this site. And on top of all, do NOT leave. It is not over, until you give up. Don;t give up on your family. If he gives up on your family, you cannot change that. But don;t let yourself give up.

Sorry you find yourself here wonderin3.

When you say the A was exposed, what do you mean? Do you mean you discovered it or do you mean you have EXPOSED the A to others who could be influential in stopping the A? In MB terminology, Exposure is a tool used to end As.

Tell us a bit more of your situation. Does he work with the OW? Is she married? Is your H openly conducting the A now, or did you just discover it?

Only you can decide if the M is worth saving. IMO, no, a M is not worth saving SOLELY for kid's sake, but they are usually a powerful motivating factor in how hard one should try to recover from infidelity.

Tell us a bit more, and take hope from the fact that there are several things you can do and all is not lost!

Y'all please help my friend wonderin who is really hurting. She is pregnant. Her husband has been very critical of her body....even though she's a completely normal and beautiful weight. He has withdrawn from her sexually.....supposedly because he doesn't like her pregnant body. He's told her how he lusts after the women in his gym and she's been feeling very unattractive because of his criticism. She's worked so hard on filling ENs, stopping LBs etc....and he's never really invested in the marriage or taken ANY responsibility for the problems. Now.....the truth has come out. He's not only lied about viewing porn, but he's in a full blown affair with another woman. I've directed her over here so that she can get more help.

There is alot of background on this thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Tyk,

She just discovered it.....in this hour....hasn't "exposed" it yet. She doesn't even know what we mean yet when we talk about "exposure". Unfortunately, she will.....and I wish she didn't have to.

((((((((((((((((((wonderin)))))))))))))))))

wonderin.....just checking, and giving you a *bump* before I run out. You've got contact info for me....and this board has a wealth of information and great Vets who can help. I'll check back in later.

Sounds like Fog Babble to me. When my hubby was in his affair, I was told I looked like a dyke because I had short hair my job was made fun of. I think they do this to make themselves feel better about what they are doing. Its cruel and it hurts. Now hubby is out of his fog and now he tells me how beautiful I am and look. Of course I always knew that:)
Its fog try to not let it hurt you and please take care of yourself and that unborn baby. Your WH is not himself.

Wonderin, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, particularly during a pregnancy. Eating a healthy diet and getting moderate exercise should be your only focus now. If you want to lose weight after you have the babies you will.

I would venture a guess that if it's a matter of *only* 10 lbs excess, the weight your H would like you to lose says more about him than it does about you. If you are truly very overweight, then that is something you should address.


Please think of your unborn children. You have moments coming up with them that are going to be exquisite. First time walking, first words, first report cards, first winning goal in the game, college acceptance.

So banish this talk of dying. You don't want to miss the good stuff coming your way.

In the interest of total honesty I will also mention the sleepless nights of crying babies. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />


You can't get past it, but you can get through it. But you can't get through it until the A ends. Is NC in place?


Only you can answer that question, but I think that the best thing, even if you decide to divorce, is to know that you tried to salvage the marriage, and gave it your best shot. That way you will not have any regrets to cloud the future.


That depends on YOU. Do you need to know? Then you need to know, and your H should be willing to tell you.


Right now you're pregnant, not fat. If, after delivery, the dr says you're overweight, work with a nutritionist and a personal trainer. It might be best to rely on expert opinion about weight, rather than your H, whose judgment sounds a bit clouded at the moment.

As to no one wanting you, please. But it sounds to me like you have to want yourself first. Do you?

PK

Take the advice given here, as it is very good. Focus on taking care of yourself. Tell him the A must end and that you will not tolerate any kind of contact with her or any other woman. Watch him like a hawk.

It makes me ill how some men are totally clueless as to what pregnancy is like on a woman and her body. Even some women are ignorant about it. I heard a pregnant woman say one time that she had only gained a couple pounds b/c she thought it was unnatural for a woman to gain very much. I wanted to smack her, b/c no matter how much I tried, during the last couple months I swelled up like a balloon (I'm talkin, 20 lbs of it, which came RIGHT BACK OFF after I delivered). I would joke about "deflating."

It sounds like this was a problem b4 you even became pregnant, though. Your WH has issues with himself, and a need for validation through other women which he thinks are "hot." My father has always been very critical of my mother and us kids (and everyone else for that matter) and even recently told me "how fat she's getting." They are 66 and 71 yrs old! Not to mention that he is quite the chunker now himself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> This is not your problem, it's HIS! Do not buy into it!! Surround yourself with people who love you for who you are, like star*fish, who helped me just yesterday!

You see, I am the FWW (former wayward wife) who just recently came out of the fog. I said many hurtful things to my loving H and am very lucky that he stuck by me. It is totally up to you whether you stay or not. What are his good qualities? Why did you fall in love with him? Concentrate on the man you married, and why you married him in the first place. Try to get him into IC b4 you try MC b/c his personal issues need to be dealt with immediately.

You are pregnant and very succeptable to any kind of stress right now. You and your baby come first. I am so sorry you have to deal with this during what should be a very happy time between spouses. Take care of yourself and stay on this site and read, read, read. Watch him like a hawk and make clear your intent to stop the A and make sure he maintains NC with this or any other woman. He will most likely (even if he keeps NC with current OW) seek to replace this euphoric feeling elsewhere. It is like a drug. Treat this like he is a recovering drug addict, b/c that's basically what he is. This may also keep you from going down that "what did I do wrong" path. I will say it again:

THESE ARE HIS CHOICES, NOT YOURS
YOU DID NOT ASK TO FEEL THIS WAY
HE HAS NO RIGHT TO PRIVACY TO CONTINUE THE A
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT

Even if the marriage was "bad" b4, it's still not an excuse. Read my story that I wrote less than a week ago-the link is in my sig line. I was still in the fog even then! And now I finally get it. It takes a while, but if there is mutual love, you will get there.

I'm sorry, I wish there was more I could do to ease your pain. Take care and God bless!

Thanks to everyone who wrote in. On my way to talk with a friend who has been through an affair. I spent the last 2 hours asking WH questions, and I will tell about that and post replies to the advice given later today. I really appreaciate you all.

"When you say the A was exposed, what do you mean? Do you mean you discovered it or do you mean you have EXPOSED the A to others who could be influential in stopping the A? In MB terminology, Exposure is a tool used to end As."

I used the word "exposed" to mean that I found out, we've talked some about it, and therefore the secret is exposed. I haven't told anyone other than my 2 best friends and immediate family about the affair. According to H (not that he is to be trusted) the affair ended last month when she asked him to leave us and he said that he would not. He said that he has told her that he cannot talk to her ever again. I've asked for her phone number so I can be checking in on this and asked if he will block her number completely.

"Tell us a bit more of your situation. Does he work with the OW? Is she married? Is your H openly conducting the A now, or did you just discover it?"

Yes, the OW is a flight attendant, my H a pilot. He was "buddy biding" with her, which means they would bid the same schedules so as to fly together and spend those nights together. She is in her mid 20s and single. She wanted to steal my H and take aways my kids' father. He said no, so she apparently ended it. Later he said he told her he can no longer talk to her ever again. When he was home, he would say he was going to the gym or out with the guys to meet her. He even used our D to see her by meeting her at the park. UG. That part is probably the most devastating to me. He would talk to her on the phone at night after I went to sleep and while I was away at the store,etc. I was a fool.

"Only you can decide if the M is worth saving. IMO, no, a M is not worth saving SOLELY for kid's sake, but they are usually a powerful motivating factor in how hard one should try to recover from infidelity."

At this point I feel like staying robs me of happiness...I don't know that I have it in me to forgive him. But, I feel like leaving robs my kids of a two parent home and time with their father. I don't like either choice. I can see what you mean though about kids being a motivating factor to try to work on this. They are the only reason I'm considering trying to work this through.

"When my hubby was in his affair, I was told I looked like a dyke because I had short hair my job was made fun of."

Ouch, why are people so cruel...especially when they are so wrong! In my case, H has been saying I'm 10 pounds too heavy for 5 years. I don't think its related to the fog, but what do I know...obviously not as much as I thought.

penaltykill, no worries about the baby (well, other than the emense stress I'm under...I have to force myself to eat), I am not dieting right now. I've gained a healthy amount of weight and put this baby first. This issue was the reason I started posting here long before I was pregnant. You are right, even though dying would be easier than feeling like I do, my kids will provide endless happiness, and they need me. I have just never felt pain like I do now, and it is near unbearable. Feels like I'll never get past it.

About NC...is there something more than him saying there is no contact, getting her number and blocking it that I need to be doing???

And no PK, I don't love myself...I've been struggling with my self esteem for some time. Working on it, but making slow progress, if any.

"What are his good qualities? Why did you fall in love with him? Concentrate on the man you married, and why you married him in the first place. Try to get him into IC b4 you try MC b/c his personal issues need to be dealt with immediately."

Lala, I can't even comment on these right now. I'm so disgusted and hurt there is nothing good coming to mind. I've posted on his good before though, because one of my problems is focusing on the bad so much I miss the good. Right back at square one, eh? I've made an IC appt for myself...don't know what WH plans to do.
Shouldn't he be the one to take initiative there? Or is this in my lap?

I appreciate you all, and would love anymore advice about next steps I should be taking.

You need to verify NC. If he works with her, he needs to find a new job to prevent contact. He needs to make his phone, phone records, and all email accounts and computer activity accessible to you. He also needs to provide you with a verifiable list of the crew on all his flights from here on.

Since it was a workplace A you can expose to his job. Since he is the senior employee it is possible that he will be fired. This is not YOUR FAULT. This is a consequence of his actions. Some here absolutely advocate total exposure, I don't necessarily. I do think however that since he is a pilot and is gone overnight that you will have a very hard time recovering while he works with her, and even perhaps if he doesn't. He has shown he is willing and capapble of cheating, regaining trust in an environment where you can't account for him is going to be tough. The Harleys address this very topic of workplace travel and discourage it in general because it provides both the environment that makes one suceptible to As and the opportunity to act on it. After an infidelity, the counsel in thier writings that work related separation cease.

It seems the weight issue is really your H's issue. I read some of your other thread and it seems this has been going on for years. Is it possible that he has been having affairs for years? Is this the only one or just the one you know about (hate to put that thought in your head, sorry). It just seems possible that the weight issue is and has been fog-speak, a self justification used by your H to rationalize his behavior.

I am so sorry you are here, but you have come to the right place.

I was told not to make any major life decisions right away. You are on a horrid emotional roller coaster ride that, I'm sorry to say, is going to last a while. Some days you won't be able to imagine every letting this scumbag into your life. Other days, you'll want to do anything and everything to restore love with the man you adored. It will whip you back and forth.

So, remember, you do NOT have to decide anything right this minute.

Your husband says the A had ended. Mine did, too. But it was a lie. Maybe your husband is telling the truth, maybe not. Here are some things that need to happen:

Husband needs to send a no contact letter to the other woman. There is a sample of it somewhere on this site (someone please post the link) and it is in the book SAA. He writes it, YOU read and approve it, and YOU mail it.

He must never see or talk with her ever again. Since they work together, he may even need to change jobs. Is it possible for them both to keep their jobs and never, ever, ever run into each other???

Then he changes his cell number and anything else that she used to contact him.

If he bulks at these two things, his affair is not over. I was told that same thing. My husband bulked. I couldn't bring myself to believe it, but later it all came out.

Second time around, FWH was totally remorseful and EAGERLY did the above as well as all kinds of other things that needed to happen for me to let him back in.

But one step at a time: NC letter that you approve and mail and he changes cell phone number. Oh, and gives you the voicemail password.

Read about Plan A and start implementing it. I know that if the affair has truly ended, full blown exposure isn't necessary. But, you still don't really know yet, right? I suggest waiting for some vets to advise you on exposure.

I think you are doing great. You sound like you have your mind set on doing what your baby needs right now regardless of the incredible pain you are suffering. Good for you!

Read the articles on this website, read the books Surviving an Affair, then His Needs/Her Needs, then Love Busters. Take this time to educate yourself without the pressure of making an immediate decision. You have options, options are good. (I was told that, too.)

(((((Wonderin)))))

I know the pain, Wonderin. So do many here.

Maybe this isn't the right time to ask, but are both of you still reading the books?

I'd like to try to get inside your husband's head a little, if that's possible, especially as it relates to his relationship with God and if he considers himself to be a believer in Christ. Perhaps you could comment on this aspect.

One word of gentle warning, too, if I may. Your emotions will really be flying all over the place right now (as if the pregnancy and the weight issues weren't already enough), so please make me ONE promise if you will, do NOT make any life changing decisions right now, no matter how much you are hurting or want to just "give up." Continue talking with us. Vent here when you need to "just let it all out!"

And let's start on, or pick up again, getting the two of you on the right track.

God bless.

bump...

{{{{{{{wonderin}}}}}}}

Are you staying with your sister right now? (Pros: comments?)

wonderin

Don't make any decisions for at least a couple of months.

You have lots of time. At first, things seem like they are crazy - and they are. You need to take the time to think, to let the rush of feelings and emotions settle out.

A couple of months gives you the time you need to figure out what HE is really all about, too. It gives you time to assess your own feelings, his truthfulness, his level of commitment to making the marriage work, and also time to get your answers to the things you want to know.

It gives you time to put your head into a better place, and gives you time to get some good advice from the people here.

Time enough to read "Surviving an Affair" with your husband.
Time enough to do the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, and figure out what was happening in your relationship, and where you two need to get things back on track - together.

And time enough to make a more thoughtful decision, instead of a panicked one.

Take the time.

And if you need more than a couple of months, take that time. Because this process takes time, and there is no law that says you only have a certain amount of time to decide what to do.

Let him know you are thinking about it all, processing it.

In the meantime, you want to do some things to see about how the future might be better for the two of you. And about how invested he really is in recovering this marriage. Part of the investment on his side would be reading with you, the EN questionnaire, No Contact letter that HE WRITES and YOU APPROVE AND YOU SEND.

And exposure to both of your families, with the understanding that exposure is to help the two of you in support of the marriage. You will need the support and loving encouragement of your families in order to get through this time. He will need the men in the family to help him understand himself, and their guidance on how to "man up". You both will need the clan to help you with time together without the babies, so you can be just a couple.

Talk with him. Remember the feelings you had before - When you first fell in love with him? Look at him and remember those feelings, and then talk to him. Don't open your mouth before you remember those feelings.

Then, talk with him like he is someone you love, and want to share a future with.

Believe in recovery.

Believe in recovery with all of your heart.

Know it will NOT be easy, but know also that it can be done.

Come here and LISTEN to the long-time posters - those who have successfully recovered their marriages, and those who might not have, but who understand MB principles. Because these principles WORK in many cases.

Worked in mine!

And stay in the mindset that you can make it if you want to, that the marriage CAN survive, you CAN get through it.

The pain does fade with time.

Check the background of the posters you read. Look at the early posts to understand who they are. Look at date of registration, number of posts, and whether or not they are giving MARRIAGE BUILDERS advice. Dr. Harley's advice is the foundation of this website, and the advice is very sound. There are some posters who have the "just get over it already" idea - that's NOT the marriage builder concept.

We will try to help you through this very difficult time. Keep coming back. You will see the way through it all.


Oh, and BTW. My FWH told me that my weight was one of the reasons he sought out the OW. I had to laugh. She was about my same weight. What an idiot. Since then, I have lost over 50 pounds, and she.....

well....

looks a whole lot rounder.


I just smile when I run into her, and think, "Toxic cleanup needed on Aisle 6."

You hang in there, girl.

SB

Wow, Wonderin, I've been keeping up with your EN thread, and I REALLY didn't think he was having an affair. Fooled me.

Be sure to ask him to write the other woman a no contact letter. That is kind of the litmus test for me about how serious they are about recovery.

Just a quick thanks again for your help. I really really really appreciate your posts. I need to try to sleep, but will respond and seek some more counsel in the morning...thank you so much

First, I wanted to thank all of my new friends here for offering wisdoms that have been more helpful than you know. I haven't been posting much because I've needed so much time to process what I'm learning and think, but what I"ve been thinking about is what you all are teaching me, and for that I'm grateful. I've also posted in EN because that is where I've been for the last 6 months and it is familiar. Ideas will repeat, so please do not waste time reading both.

I managed to get 4 hours of sleep, but I cannot sleep anymore. I have a hollow feeling in my gut and there are so many questions that I just can't stop wondering how to answer. How does life ever possibly get back to "normal" after something like this? How can you ever share your bed with someone who betrayed you so completely? How do you stand looking over his shoulder and doubting his every move all of the time? I resent that I am forced to check bills, look at cell phones/bills/emails/work schedules etc. all on top of my normal responsibilities. And I am struggling like crazy about how to love God by loving a WH who makes me feel like dying would be better than living.

I read a book once, a Christian novel called: A Scarlet Thread, but Francine Rivers. It was an amazing insight into how God can change 2 people traveling the broken road of infidelity. Talked about how this H was TOTALLY wrong in every way, at least on the surface, and how this woman had EVERY reason to divorce him. He moved in with his mistress and abandoned her and the kids, and she turned to Him. She prayed and read and listened when God showed her where she failed her H. And then she made changes. She did things for her WH in spite of how wretched he'd been, like apologizing for not meeting his needs and LBing, though different terms were used, and she fixed her mistakes. In the end, the H returned with a repentant heart, he totally submitted himself to God's calling for his life and their family was restored.

I think about that, and what H told me about the why of this affair, and I wonder what that means to me? I didn't admire him and coo over him like she did. I didn't respect the part of him that wants to take care of himself with extreme diet and exercise, and she admired it. She made him feel sexy and wanted and appreciated, and I didn't. And so I wonder...what is my responsibility in this exactly and how does God want to grow me? How do I get to a place where I can change for the better according to His plan? I am just so hurt and I can't imagine ever looking at him again without images of the 2 of them together and the feelings of anger and disgust flooding my heart. I want to do the right thing so badly, and I so don't know what that is.

I know these things don't need to be decided today, and I know they aren't necessarily connected to what I wrote above, but I wonder...how do I love him and hate him at the same time? Do I let him in the delivery room when DS is born? Do I name my boy alone, or let him? (I named D, so he was to name S, and I never really liked the names he was considering.) When do I let him back into my bed? How will I ever make love to the man who so betrayed me? What do I do when I just want to be held? I have learned that I have a high need to be touched and as crazy as this sounds, I just want him to hold me (and then I want to hit him), because he has been my comfort for so many years. I have never been with another man. I have never loved another man. He is the father of my kids. I just want things to be how they used to be. I was so crazy for him. How do I live with someone who I love and hate at the same time? What do I do with all these emotions?

I hate to admit to this...it is such a shameful thought, but I have been struggling with not wanting my baby. From the moment of conception, WH and I have struggled. I was sick and tired and H was beating me down on top of it all. I was thrilled when I first found out, but our marital troubles robbed me of my joy. The entire pregnancy, H has made me feel bad about myself. I've felt ugly and suffered with depression. And he is a boy...he will one day be a man...how do I raise a man who will obey God and not treat a woman the way his father treated his mother? And if we cannnot reconcile, he is another responsibility and I am scared of leaving them in daycare and trying to make a life for us. He has suffered from the very first, and it appears he will continue to suffer when he makes his appearance. His daddy may not be there when he first opens his eyes to the light. His daddy may not be there when he takes his first steps and says his first words. He doesn't have a good male role model in his father. I would never wish that on any poor innocent lovely baby. I feel so badly that I had a hand in forcing him into instant suffering...and so I wish I hadn't conceived him. My mom says that it is not him that I don't want, but the stress of the situation and the idea that I may have more responsibility than I ever dreamed, but that I do want him and I will love him just as much as D. I'm a terrible person. I am embarrassed to have confessed this to you all.

Tyk: "You need to verify NC. If he works with her, he needs to find a new job to prevent contact. He needs to make his phone, phone records, and all email accounts and computer activity accessible to you. He also needs to provide you with a verifiable list of the crew on all his flights from here on."

Done. Thank you for the practical outline to get the ball rolling. The topic of what will happen to his job is a crucial one, and I have shared that with him. I do not know if I can stay with him if he stays a pilot, and I told him so. He said he has no other skills and would have to return to school. He isn't sure he could be happy doing so. This may well be a deal breaker.

I think I inadvertantly went the route of full exposure, excluding his family and our pastor. My family knows, because I needed them, my 2 best friend (accountability partners) know for the same reason. Their H's (his accountability partners) do too. I had asked even before I discussed exposure with Star that H tell his parents so they know why things are so wierd and will be for probably quite some time. Now, H has agreed to exposure to her parents, though he questioned if this was about revenge, but he could only give me OW's cell phone number and mother's name for reasons I've discussed in previous posts. How do I expose to her and send the NO Contact letter without a solid address. I paid to do a people search, and have many addresses for OW and her mom. I didn't get to call the many phone #s for mom, because it was too late and the one that I did call was not the right mom (but this woman was SO sweet and understanding). So I feel stuck. H suggested that we go to the airport together letter in hand and drop it in her box, leave together and then I will not have to wonder if he removed it...but I thought of an improved version, and I'd like your opinion: go to the airport when we know she will be there, he can hand it to her in person, and I can say "I just wanted to look into the eyes of the woman who would steal someone's H and take 2 innocent children's father away from them." I realize this involves a moment of contact between the two of them, and I"m not sure its wise, but I fear the letter may never reach her otherwise. What if he had a coworker remove the letter for him or something? Ideas?

I have not talk with H yet about contacting flight scheduling department. I have however, told him that I expect to see formal print outs of all crew members and that any flight with OW will need to be dropped or called in sick or whatever well in advance of the scheduled date. I've requested that he "door slam" which means, land, to to room, lock door, do not come out (except to get food) until time to return to work. No contact with any female employee period outside of the plane.

"I do think however that since he is a pilot and is gone overnight that you will have a very hard time recovering while he works with her, and even perhaps if he doesn't. He has shown he is willing and capapble of cheating, regaining trust in an environment where you can't account for him is going to be tough."

Yes, I agree.

"It seems the weight issue is really your H's issue. I read some of your other thread and it seems this has been going on for years. Is it possible that he has been having affairs for years? Is this the only one or just the one you know about (hate to put that thought in your head, sorry). It just seems possible that the weight issue is and has been fog-speak, a self justification used by your H to rationalize his behavior."

Yes, I agree again. I don't know for certain, but WH claims that this is the only affair. Many people suggested that an affair may be at the root of this in the beginning and I just didn't think that could possibly be true. Now...who knows.

"I was told not to make any major life decisions right away."

Done. Thank you for this wisdom.

"Your husband says the A had ended. Mine did, too. But it was a lie. Maybe your husband is telling the truth, maybe not."

I am so so sorry you had to go through that. I have the NC ball rolling. I couldn't find the sample letter, which I'd love to read if anyone knows where it is? But, H agreed to write it, so we are on the way.

"Is it possible for them both to keep their jobs and never, ever, ever run into each other???"

Yes...but I'm still leary of the situation. LIke I said above, this may be a deal breaker.

"Then he changes his cell number and anything else that she used to contact him."

I hadn't thought of that, thanks.

I have a few questions about plan A:
I read that separation is not a good idea, because those who separate rarely get back together. I had asked H to stay at a friends, but now am wondering if he should stay in our guest room (the site of contamination) on a new twin bed. What do you think?

"Fill what needs he will allow you to and that you feel comfortable fulfilling."

This is so tough for me, and so is the reverse, letting him meet my needs...or is this what withdrawl is going to be about? OK, so filling his DS need is not a problem. Admiration on the other hand, one of the ones I apparently have been failing at, is a big problem. I go between wonderin black and wonderin white, wanting him to hold me one minute and wanting to kill him the next. Little to admire right now, really. SF, no. Absolutely not. RC...well, what are the boundaries here...I'm not sure what this looks like in this case, can anyone help me out? I mean, I am black and white about wanting to be near him, how I should respond while near him, and what is off limits and for how long. I've already cancelled our Christmas party plans for this weekend, and I've mentioned that I think Christmas will be too soon for time at my parent's house where we would be in the same room (only one room for all of us to share) and my family is really disappointed in him and said they'd prefer NOT to see him just yet. If you were curious, they are not encouraging divorce, but they are not against me considering it either. They just want me to be happy. AS, well, I'm doing what I can considering the pregnancy, and I can continue what I've been doing. Affection...what does this look like? Boundaries? I think that covers it...except perhaps the struggle with avoiding LBers while remaining O&H.

As for my needs, very curious about what happens here?? There are so many he cannot meet without overtepping boundaries right now.

"Confront the issue.....ask the questions you need answered. Don't lovebust (if possible), but express the pain and devastation that he has caused you."

H has never complained about this, though he has had many long pauses before his shameful answers, and I have asked billions of ?s. Decided it is best to know EVERYTHING from A to Z rather than to wonder, and like star said, relive D day over and over again. And he has offered to answer any more that may come up. I am very proud of myself in that I don't think I LBed...I don't think so, but I may be wrong. I have not had an AO, which would be my natural response. I have not, however, been able to share all of my emotions just yet...not sure why. I have said "I cannot blieve you allowed that in my house, in front of my D, that is disgusting (DJ?) I hurt worse than I knew possible," probably more, but I know that mostly I have listened and not said a word. I don't know if I want to be vulnerable by baring my soul to this man??

"Conditions for reconciliation.....The No Contact Letter we spoke of, complete radical honesty about details, accountability for time, money and whereabouts. Computer and cell phone access, change cell phone number and close email accounts used to communicate with her."

Will need to get a move on the cell phone/email accounts. Have forgotten to mention up to now. Told him I want to see backed bills for 6 months and from here out, and don't know what is appropriate for accountability for time. Help? He used so many things to betray: daddy time with our D, lying about going to gym/out with guys/to work...I feel like I need to know about every minute, which just isn't possible, so what do I do about this?

"Read Surviving an Affair....all this stuff is in there and in great detail."

I called every local bookstore and no one had it in, so I ordered it here and express mailed it. Should be here in a day or two. Hoping the holidays doesn't slow it down. I needed it a month ago! Dying to read it. I got a copy for H too.

Initially, WH seemed iritated (like he has a right to that right now) about all of my exposure requests. After he talked with his accountability partner and the man from church who had an affair, he was entirely humble and agreeable. I'm hoping that any "balking" is done, but I'll let yo know when the last of it is shared.

FH, H hasn't read the book since before Thanksgiving. Considering the situation, I forgot to even ask about it. I think I made some comments earlier about his spiritual state. Is this what you were looking for?

Jayne, yes, I'm still at my sisters. I plan to stay through the weekend.

"Don't make any decisions for at least a couple of months."

OK. I keep hearing this so this is a must. Done.

"A couple of months gives you the time you need to figure out what HE is really all about, too. It gives you time to assess your own feelings, his truthfulness, his level of commitment to making the marriage work, and also time to get your answers to the things you want to know."

Great advice, thank you soo much.

"In the meantime, you want to do some things to see about how the future might be better for the two of you. And about how invested he really is in recovering this marriage. Part of the investment on his side would be reading with you, the EN questionnaire, No Contact letter that HE WRITES and YOU APPROVE AND YOU SEND."

Any other examples of this...so far, he's done all of the above, heck he even did the LB questionaire while in the midst of the affair. We did the EN questionnaire some time ago.

"And exposure to both of your families, with the understanding that exposure is to help the two of you in support of the marriage. You will need the support and loving encouragement of your families in order to get through this time. He will need the men in the family to help him understand himself, and their guidance on how to "man up". You both will need the clan to help you with time together without the babies, so you can be just a couple."

I hadn't thought about needing family so we can have time together. Thanks. I mentioned earlier, but what does RC look like now? Affection? Etc.

"Talk with him. Remember the feelings you had before - When you first fell in love with him? Look at him and remember those feelings, and then talk to him. Don't open your mouth before you remember those feelings."

Talking we are doing...remembering those feelings hurts soooo bad. And sometimes it seems impossible. Not doing so well on this.

"Then, talk with him like he is someone you love, and want to share a future with.

Believe in recovery.

Believe in recovery with all of your heart.

Know it will NOT be easy, but know also that it can be done."

Wow...this is heavy...and I want to do so badly, but I am soooo scared. I just don't want to hurt anymore and this makes me soooo vulnerable. I know it would encourage my H to keep trying though...do I say I love you? He keeps telling me and I just can't do it. It hurts too much to love him, even though I do...and then I hate him and then I love him again...I'm all over the place.

"Come here and LISTEN to the long-time posters - those who have successfully recovered their marriages, and those who might not have, but who understand MB principles. Because these principles WORK in many cases.

Worked in mine!"

You have the gift of encouragement. Thank you for sharing that with me. I'll take all the hope I can get.

"The pain does fade with time."

I so look forward to this.

"Oh, and BTW. My FWH told me that my weight was one of the reasons he sought out the OW. I had to laugh. She was about my same weight. What an idiot. Since then, I have lost over 50 pounds, and she.....

well....

looks a whole lot rounder."

THanks for bringing a rare smile to my face.

You all are wonderful. THank you.

Hi wonderin3,

My heart is breaking for you after reading your post.

(((((((((wonderin3)))))))))

Don't feel bad about what you said about your baby. I believe your mom is right on the money with what she told you. She sounds like a really smart lady. Like my mom.

Take care of yourself and your loved ones.

I have been trying to keep up with others here but I haven't posted much.

Take care!!

Charlotte