Her M is riding her pretty hard. I hear her voice go up now and then. To the point that she had to close the bedroom door.

I've been struggling with patience since this began. I've got to stay focused on the plan and let her do what she's going to do what she's going to do.

It's hard to convince your heart of that though.

I'm certain that it is...That being said, I'm gonna offer you a little of what got Mr. W through...

There was a point in which he realized that he had to let go of the outcome...He chose to accept uncertainty-cuz really what other choice do you have? When he did that, that is when I began to come around...There was no pressure, he acted...he did not react...

He began to look at the time that we had-whatever that was-as possibly our last as an intact family and resigned himself to make the best of it...

He told himself that no matter how hard this had been or would become that it was HIS life experience and he was going to at the very least learn from it...

He has likened it to me as going over a waterfall...You have two choices in that situation, you can either squeeze your eyes shut, panic and flail about or you can open your eyes, look around and take in the entire experience-grow from it if possible...No matter which you choose, you will still be going over the waterfall...No stopping that part...Just a matter of how you choose to handle what comes your way I suppose...

***Please understand that these are Mr. W's philosophies and how he handled things back then-I am in NO WAY making light of what you are going through TMTS-I myself don't think I could be as Mr. W was-he is somewhat of an anomaly and I am very blessed by being married to such a man)

One thing Mr. W was always sure of, was that no matter what the outcome, he would be OKAY-More than OKAY actually...And you will be too TMTS...

Mrs. W

P.S. Mr. W would likely be able to explain this better than I just did, however, he is being productive and rushing about getting ready for us to go out of town on Sunday...Whereas I am procrastinating and putting things off til the last minute...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for your words of encouragement. Actually I was just having a similar discussion with one of my one good friend that went through a similar experience last summer with his GF. I am starting to get it... I can you control what I do; as much as it hurts I will be a better person for this.

So we continue with the plan and keep on living!

Her M did give her a real hard time, she didn't get into specifics but I could tell from her reaction to me asking if it was her M on the phone.

The fog is very thick in fantasy land, and no idea where to find the light. I will be that light so that when the fog does lift she will know how to find her way.

Very sweet, TMTS, very sweet. Hopefully someday soon she'll realize what I finally did, and see the effort you have put into your marriage.

Good luck this weekend!

I've got a question for the FWWs. Would any of you describe your experience as going through a midlife crisis? I've been doing some searching and it does describes allot of what I read that you went through.

Gosh I hope not! I'm only 34, ya know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Actually I have read some on it, and it does seem somewhat similar. But to me it seems more like an addiction.

How are things going tonight?

La_la,

hi! I don't know if we've talked much, but we have similar stories and appear to be at similar places in recovery. I'm 36, and my IC very much thinks that a lot of my behavior during the A was MLC-related. So, it can happen this young, maybe (especially) if you've got a lot of life experience at this age.

So, yes...some of the crazy WW behavior could be compared to or equate with a MLC.

But dude, we are totally NOT OLD!

I stopped reading about mid life crisis because everything I found was just so negative and depressing. Doesn’t do much for hope. One lady has a book where she talks about having an A during your mid life crisis and in an article she advocates that too many WW make rash decisions then use the past to justify their actions instead of dealing directly with what they are going through. She tells them straight out to stop and work on their marriage. Then I did the mistake of going on the forum for men only, it was just a bash fest of Wows, no hope, no understanding, no caring, just pain and anger. I am glad I found MB because the message is based on hope and that gets me through the day.

I am sorry but I am feeling very scared about what my WW is to do and why. I worry about her and what will happen to her. But I also worry about something even worse... I worry that I will like a life without her.

Is this selfish and wrong to even think like this while trying to work the plan? Is this reaction normal? Part of me is terrified of facing the world without my partner and friend, another part is excited about doing thing for myself by myself. I look at 5 years from now and think that my DDs will be at the age where I am just in the way so I will have allot more time to myself. What about dating... wow I haven't thought of that word in over 20 years... how do you meet new people after an experience like this? How do you learn top trust again?

When I do end up happy again, will you be happy as well? Will I feel guilty if you’re not... will I care at all?

I thought we had it all planned out and we would grow old together. What happened? Where did we go wrong? Why didn't I listen and take her for granted? Why didn't I tell her I didn't feel appreciated?

The question I will never understand is how do you to this to your kids in such a casual way? You think they will not be affected because your "friend" has gone through a separation and her kids adjusted ok. You forget the fact that the kids were 6 and 3, and you never did ask them how they felt about it now. How do you justify this to your 13 year old that understands what an A is? How do you get to the conclusion that she will adjust and not resent you? How do you do this knowing I went through it as that 13 year old and held on to resentment for over 25 years???

Why do I put myself through this? You obviously do not love or appreciate me. It all about what you want and need, who cares if others get crush in the way. Where did these new expectations come from, is it a mid life crisis? What is a mid life crisis? Where do you get the idea that there is something more to life than what you have now? Where do you get the idea that you have problems? You have no real problems...there's a roof over your head, gas to heat the place and food to feed you. The rest is a bonus, but that's still not good enough for you because somebody else you do know promised you something else.

When I say I love you I know that I mean I love you... what do you hear when you say it? Then why say it at all? As a wise person told me today, no one will ever love you as much as I do. But unfortunately, that means nothing to you, you are done, you are gone... and it's all because of what I couldn't give you emotionally he did. Will he be able to take care of the rest? Does that matter to you right now?

Now what? Where do I go from here? How do we make sure our kids are ok? How do I rebuild the self worth you so callously destroyed? Will I ever get closure?

I do love you and I can’t change that right away, but know that even though you decimated everything I thought to be right with our lives, I will stand with my head held high because I will have survived and thrived from the experience. I hope you will be able to say the same.

Thank you ladies!!! As you see from my last post I needed to hear something positive, something that tells me that giving up is pointless.
In a way I'm glad Mrs.W hasn't seen this or commented yet, because it won't be pretty after reminding me that I need to man up.
My rant aside, the night has gone well, no LBs pleasant conversation though short, and a couple of ENs thrown in there for good Measure. My WW, not so good, got blasted by her M (again), had her plans for the weekend disturbed by my change of plans (I'm going to visit the folks Sunday). I think she had something set up with him for tomorrow night and I just crushed it. On top of that she sick. (I stopped to get her medicine and set up the vaporizer). But she’s not sick enough to go next door for a drink and a joint. After reading some of the site on mid life crisis for women, I’ve figured out that she wants to be a party girl. Nice reason to destroy four lives.

Mrs. W really put it in perspective with her post about how Mr. W lived like it was the last day his family was together.

Let it out, buddy, ley it all out. You are perfectly normal to have these thoughts. As a matter of fact (and I'm not advocating anything here) when my DH got to that point, I sensed it. That's when the panic started setting in...but I was still stubborn- can you belive it! But I could tell comething was changing in him. I remember him telling me, "Well, I hope you are going to be happy. I hope you are OK with the fact that if we do split up, I will move on-there's plenty of women who would want to be with me. I am what most women say they want. Lots of divorcees out there my age! I will move on. I do not want to be single, so I will find another person who will make me happy and I will build a life together with her, and with our boys. Are you OK with another woman having a part in raising our kids?"

Once again-not advocating that approach at ALL, but when he said it, he wasn't upset ot crying or begging or pleading...or even threatening for that matter. Just calmly making a statement. Calmly telling me that if I continued to treat him this way, this was what he was prepared to do. That coupled with him losing all that weight and looking mighty fine, I may add, really hit me hard.

Just do me a favor and don't read the depressing stuff...where there is love, there is hope! Keep your head up- you're gonna be fine!!

ps-MM say it ain't so! Actually now that I think of it, they told my sister she was going through the change of life at my age as well! I had totally forgotten that-she is twelve years older than me, so it's been a while. Hmmmm <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

.

So, if it gives you any hope, I was pulling the exact same garbage as your WW not that very long ago. And I am back to "normal" again now. And I look back and it doesn't make much sense to me, so I don't know if it makes much sense to her.

I'll tell you what though, underneath all that party-girl stuff, the bravado, the entitlement, the fogbabble...I was very very depressed and very very scared. I was on a rollercoaster I had no idea how to get off.

And then one day, I just decided I had enough of the rollercoaster, and realized I was in control of stopping it.
AND I DID. But knowing that I had a soft place to fall made that SO MUCH EASIER. I'm not saying I deserved a soft place to fall, but my husband provided it for me and it was a life preserver.

Thanks Maggie that is very reassuring.

I sense that the peak of her ride was day, ever since then she's been going downhill. With every new confrontation with my ODD, every time she sees the rent for an apartment, every talk with her M, I see that she is getting deeper and deeper into that confused, conflicted, fighting to keep the fog state.

Here something funny... When we started dating and we would go party she didn't touch the stuff and would get mad if I did too much. About three years ago she started join us in the neighbors backyard (It had become a real problem for me about a year later). Now I quit cold turkey on March 7th and she smokes regularly. 2-3times a week. Ten she fogbabbles that the pot was one of the reasons she did what she did. LOL

Ahhh, I hear ya both! I quit cold turkey at the beginning of October. B4 that I was smoking a LOT, too much to even admit the amount. Trying to bury the pain, but it didn't work!

I'm on a roll tonight so I'll keep going....

Why is it that you will not take responsibility for your own happiness? I never discouraged you from doing anything, but you always had an excuse... It's been too long, I'm too old, and I won't fit in. You didn't need to work, and complained that you needed some outside interaction, so why didn't you do anything about it? Was it easier to wait and stew on it for a couple of years then find justifications to blame me for your A? Do you think your kids care about the days you were board, they will remember that mommy cheated on Daddy and then left him. Does that figure into the pretty picture you painted for yourself? About this picture... have you given any thought to what you are going to do when the picture doesn't come out as perfectly as you painted in your mind? What happens when the second and third picture are the same way? Is that when you decide that this is not what you wanted? Is this when you realize and acknowledge the pain you caused? How are you going to explain that to your children? Have you thought about how you would approach reconciliation? Do you think that you will stomp on my heart and I will automatically welcome you back with open arms no questions asked? Do you understand that rebuilding of trust will take time? Do you acknowledge we messed up the marriage? Do you have a plan in mind on how we recover from all that has happened? Are you ready to make our marriage your top priority? Will you take responsibility for your happiness?

You have lots of questions to answer and I have yet to hear one answer that is not covered in fog.

That feels good!!!

.

Cheech? Chong? Spicoli? Y'all all present and accounted for??? Sheesh, I leave you all alone for just a bit and y'all start passin' around a big ole [censored]! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I'm gonna call this the juvie thread from now on! *THUD*

Mrs. W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

P.S. Vent away TMTS, it's understandable and cathartic for you to do HERE...As long as it stays HERE for now...

P.P.S. Doesn't matter one whit if it's a midlife crisis or not, YOUR PLAN REMAINS UNCHANGED...Act, don't react...

Hehehe, Mrs W... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Like, totally dude

I had two wake up moments the week I quit. I was about 2 months away from turning 40 and I was smoking daily, on the weekends it was breakfast, lunch and 420, then my WW would join in for one later, I was up to over 225lbs, high cholesterol and out of shape. It me suddenly that I was only two years away from the age my Father was when he had his heart attack. The next day my WW is talking to the neighbor and we find out that our dealer had passed away over the weekend (that's not the wake up moment). I didn't think anything of it until I was told that the guy was in his mid 50's. This really slapped me hard because I thought the man was about 75. That's when I decided that this was enough... I had enough for a couple of J smoked those and that was that...20+ years off and on kicked. Started eating better, exercising more and started coming out of my own fog. And you know I really didn't miss it, I was using it instead of dealing with the stresses at work and home. My weight had kept going up all the way to 233lbs. So we started walking until it got too cold then bought a treadmill and started using it daily, cut down sugars to almost nothing, and ate more fruits and veggies. I was well on my way to loosing weight and feeling better. Than was until D-day where I stopped eating and sleeping and running. So now I've officially dropped 40lbs (193lbs) so far and will probably end up at the 170-175 area when all is said and done. People are starting to say I look too skinny but this is the weight I think my body will level off at either way it was about complete lifestyle change and I do feel better for it.
I Use to always hate anti drug commercials because they were so unrealistic... except for one where they talked about a guy who never stole anything, never hurt anyone, never went out and had fun...he just sat there in the basement getting high. For those who know this is the reality of this drug, when you get into addition stage you have two things on your mind first is to get high second is to do nothing and veg. out. I'm glad I'm over it... (I did have a couple of relapses where I shared one with my WW, and one at the Genesis concert, but it did not throw me back into even wanting to go back to my daily routine. After D-day I haven't even wanted to see the stuff simply because I associate it to my part in the failure of my M, I don't use it as an excuse (No one made me smoke), just that had I turned to my W instead of the pot who knows if things would have turned out this way?

You get a pass on the genesis concert, because just breathing the air there would have gotten you high anyway...

but what I really am here to say is,

I am SO PROUD of you for making those changes!

Phil Collins so ROCKS!!! Love him!!!

Okay, I hope all you juvies are happy now, I had to GOOGLE "420" to see what it meant...Dang, I've been outta the loop for a LOOOOOOOONG time now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W<~~~Going to iTunes to load some Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />