And wait for the wisdom to tell you what is really happening.

Your stinkin thinkin is in control. Bury it, Trust those on here who have walked before us. You don't know what G-d is doing. Just pray, be still and listen.

Mark is there for you, even when you stumble. DO NOT GIVE UP. Keep on trucking. We have to be there for the others after us.

TRUST G-D.

Queenie, time to go and try to get some rest. I will use your words in prayer. Have a good night. Thanks for being there.

I'll keep checking up on you. And in the morning. I have to be at work in 5 1/2 hours.

Pray deeply and be still, listen for G-d. He is talking.

And you will be in my prayers as well.

I am here. And will be for as long as you need.

Call Jenn ASAP. 'K?

I will set up a consult with her today. Hopefully talk to her today.

My FWW friends... please send me a nice big 2x4 on how it's posible for her to come back. I need something to be hopeful about right now.

I prayed last night like I never had before. I hope God's plan includes my WW returning to me.

I'm scheduled to talk to Jennifer next Thursday. Wish it was sooner.

I am sad and don't look forward to the loneliness. I know it will get better, but right now I have much despair. She is the sweetest person I know and I couldn't provide her with what she needed. I don't know what to do with myself now, I feel so empty.

Watch for signs that she is trying to raise money to pay for the apartment. You don't think she has enough to just move in, do you?

And understand that even in cases where the WS moves out, and even in many cases where they move in with OP and in a few cases where they actually seek and are granted a divorce, they eventually wake up, say OMG and try to reconcile. That's why Dr H says Plan B should last about 2 years...(That is how long it takes for the fog to burn off if the affair is left to run its course unimpeded.)

Ever watch cage fighting? Just being down during a round does not mean a guy has lost. There are even guys who have made a living out of letting an opponent get them on their backs and then using legs to hold them in place while beating the snot out of them.

My point is...(knew I had one, right?)...Even if she moves out, you haven't lost the war unless you stop fighting. And even if you end up in Plan B, the war isn't over; you are like the army that has the enemy camp under siege and can just wait as long as it takes...unless you get tired of the waiting game and decide to move on without her.

Mark

TMTS, a few things to remember...

1. She's not gone yet, and even if she figures out the funds to go, she will quickly be scrounging to make ends meet. From the sounds of her OM, it also won't take her long to figure out he won't be around to help her.

2. DO NOT HELP HER MOVE OUT!! That is crossing the line from Plan A to "hey, I'll be your buddy no matter how much you hurt me." Do NOT let her take anything but personal belongings. Make it hard for her, not easy.

3. Learn this mantra..."I do marriage, not separation/divorce." Say it over and over. Learn some of the reverse babble specific to this type of sitch (her moving out). This way you feel more in control and less like you are being tortured.

4. Keep up your GREAT Plan A. You are still doing great. You are still dealing with the alien. You are still making deposits.

5. We are all here for you. Rememeber how this is so much the same scenario no matter what the differences in specifics. Rememebr the statistics. No need to believe yours will end up differently.

6. Protect your love for her. Gently state your boundaries. As a matter of fact, I would like to know myself what they are...what are they, TMTS? Let Mark walk you through how to get them across without LBs. You have been doing such a greta job with making deposits, but you also need to set your limits kindly. Just in case she is mistaking the Plan A to stay together as you being OK with her behavior.

7. Prepare for Plan B. Just prepare...you don't have to do anything but prepare. I think if you do go to Plan B (if she moves out) it needs to be VERY dark. You do so much around the house and stuff, that not having you to cook/clean/take care of DD when she has them will be a reality shock that even her fogginess cannot hide. I would get in touch with her school right b4 it happens and let them know when her visitation is and that those days you will not be available to do their homework with them. Try to set up a tutor for those weeks/days. Your DDs shuld not suffer in school b/c of her. At least that way the school will be much more able to handle the girls' emotional state and possibly overlook some days where homework doesn't make it to school, etc.

FINALLY...hang in there. Re-read your threads form Mark and Mrs. W. I'm sure she'll be along soon as well to offer support. You can do this...we are here for YOU!!!!!

((((((TMTS))))))

She has been raising money. When she said we were separating she open her own account. She would have got three paychecks since. So I figure she would have enough to do first and last. She had to borrow from someone, either that or she is planning on racking up her credit card until the LSA in place and equalization payments are made.

I know that I need to prep for up to two years, and that it's not over yet. It's just that she's got the fog look down to an art form that looks so convincing.

Not knowing what the scoop is with OM doesn't help either. Is the neighbor right about this guy? Is he a player? For all I know he will take care of all her ENs and they will be happy. She could be feeding me a line to just shut me up as well. The thing that really gets me is that she insists not moving in with him, she want to do this on her own. Does this fall under foggy behavior or is it something else that's going on. She is so adamant to live alone and that's what really throws me a curve ball. It's almost like if this OM doesn't work out she'll be set for the next one.

In terms of boundaries....

1 - I asked her not to tell me about her activities regarding her search for a place to live or anything related to her moving out. I just told her that it hurt too much to hear. She has respected that.

2 - OM is not to come to my house or be introduced to my DDs while we were still married. So far so good on that one, but she asked me about if I would want that for ever, I said calmly, for as long as we are still married. I don’t know how I will enforce that once she in her own place though. I do intend to try to have it put on the LSA.

3 - Separation talk is to be done with the mediator. That one is a little tougher to get around, but I just say... did you talk to the mediator? Because I don't know.

If there is something obvious that I'm missing, please let me know.

TMTS...

Are you still snooping? How do you KNOW that the affair has ended and there is NC? Go TODAY and buy a digital voice activated recorder and put it in her car...Refresh me about exposure of her affair? (I came late to your thread) Who all did you expose to? Was OM married? How long ago did it "end"? Sorry for all the questions, just want to make sure I have the details correct...

Mrs. W

P.S. OH YES, there is MUCH hope...Have you ever read Mortarman's story? Or HopeandPray's story? Those are two VERY inspiring ones...MM was on the brink of divorce after fighting for 4 years (I think it was)...they reconciled and have a brand new baby...HopeandPray went through a divorce, gained full custody of his son, his WW moved in with OM...Currently they are on the recovery fast track...(obviously the short version of both stories)...

Hi Mrs W.

Everybody on our side of the family has been exposed, my family, her family, friends, neighbors. The OM is a single guy that started an online EA with her Sept.06 but was living about 700miles away. When I discovered the EA she immediately agreed to NC, but that was broken when he moved to his sister's house in Setp.07. She lives about 15 miles away. He has a 13 year old boy from a previous relationship. Other than that, it's all I really know about him. Now my neighbor is convinced that he will not be in the picture for long, if he still is now. The last known contact was the week before X-mas and my neighbor heard the call, she tells me it was basically 'm leaving town because my dad is dying, go to go, bye. I don't have any real idea if it is ended or not.

Her parents have been ridding her hard. They are devout Catholics and this is wrong on all kinds of fronts for them. My F (A FWS spoke with her directly for about 1 hour to let her know what he experienced when he left) As far as friends, she has pretty much lost them all because they support me. The only one that talks to her is her best friend who is married to my best friend. I grew up with this man and he's more like a brother than a friend, his wife we have known since we were teenagers. Her and my SIL are the closest thing I have to a S. So when she does talk to her best friend, she doesn't say much because she knows that one, she doesn't support what she is doing and has told her so, and two, she knows that any and all information will make it to me.

She basically spend Christmas time alone with her parents except for Christmas day where my DDs where with her. But she did hurt when she came by my parents house to drop off the DDs after mass on Christmas eve because this is when the whole family gets together to celebrate charismas (It's one of those French Canadian things). Her Best Friend when out side to say hi and told me when she came back in that she had to sit there for a while to regain her composure because she was crying so hard. Then she spent a couple of days here alone, which was good because she had the "comfort" of home which she will loose.

Mrs. W, I really love my W, she is everything in this world to me. Just the few days that I was visiting my parents were very hard, so I don't look forward to it being real.

Please do not hesitate to ask if I missed some detail somewhere. Its real tough love 2x4 time for me…. Slap away.

TMTS,

I am new here, wish I wasn't, but here I am. I just went through what you are about to (WS moving out). There are some real differences to our story, but our feelings about these events are probably the same. I will pray for you this weekend (my first without the kids) as I will have some extra time. And please know, that as bad as it seems, it cannot stay that way forever (remember how you felt on Dday and the week following...I thought there was no way any day would be good from here on out...well I have had a few good ones since then...I just wish there were more good ones than bad ones). I wish I had better advice, but since I am new at this, I don't. I will say your plan A has been better than mine, so you have given ME encouragement in that area.

I wish I had something more encouraging or enlightening to say, so I guess I can just repeat what we already know. You do have people on here that care about us and what is going on. And we know that if we need a place to go, it is as easy as just turning on our computers. Sometimes, it just nice to know SOMEBODY out there cares and knows what this is like.

I also was wanting to see what Mark had to say about putting in down boundaries without doing LB's. I could REALLY use that advice, as I am not the most assertive person without using LB's.

Not2fun

toomuch,

if it makes you feel any better, my ww signed a six month lease 3 months ago and has yet to spend a night there. she was scheduled to move out the day after thanksgiving (she had the place but was working up the courage to leave) I knew of her plan and I just lived my life as normal. she stayed home on thanksgiving to pack while my son and i went and enjoyed the holiday with family. before i left she told me that she had scheduled the movers for 10 the next morning. I said 'okay', we'll see you later' and left with my son. when we arrived home there was not a box to be seen anywhere. i put my son to bed and went to sleep. at 5 in the morning my wife woke me up and told me we needed to talk. she told me she didnt want to leave, she doesnt want to be with the OM, she wants her family, and could i ever forgive her. that day contact and the affair ended.

i guess the point is that there is hope. but you need to stop worring about what she is going to do. go out and live your life without her. as calm as she may seem to you, she IS struggling with her decisions in her own mind. it took my wife to see that i wasnt waiting around for her anymore. i used to tell her about the changes i wanted to make to the house. i used to tell her about trips i planned for my son and i. not because i wanted to rub anything in her face, but to let her know that i was going to be fine without her. more than once over the last few weeks of her affair did i look her in the eye and tell her not to let the door hit her in the a$$ on the way out. i just got tired of it, and i had nothing left.

we are still together, and things are going well. but i havent yet decided if i want this marriage anymore. i reserve the right to walk away if i decide that is whats best for me. the thing is, by focusing on myself with plan a, i am now in control of my future. i even let my wife know that i no longer make any promises and that all options are on the table as far as our marriage goes. and i take life one day at a time.

TTG

Not2Fun, TTG,

Thanks for weighing in, your posts are encouraging.

N2F - I've been reading your story, nad my prayers go out to you as well.
TTG - I hope (and now pray) that reality will lift the fog.

Okay TMTS,

Are you snooping? Is there a keylogger on her computer? Do you have access to her phone online? Get that recorder in her car...I know it will hurt if you find out stuff, but now is NOT the time to bury your head in the sand...She is likely making decisions about your life without your consent...NO MORE!!! Your girls need you to be strong and look out for their best interests...You are the only sane parent that they have right now...You can do this...

You need to know more about this OM as well...Do you even have his name? If so, you need to do exposure on his side of the fence-his sister-his parents...Make your wife FAR too much trouble for him-he's a single guy, single guys don't dig hassle in the dating world...BE A HASSLE...Call this guy up and ask him what his intentions with your wife are...Tell him that you will be around a LONG time and will fight tooth and nail for your family...Let him know this will be no easy conquest...

Okay, so courage is in the doing...Let's get moving...

Mrs. W

All I'm missing for snooping is the recorder. I do know his name and his sister is well aware of what is going on, she has met her and been to her house. As far as parrents, I have no idea where they are to be able to expose.

The only thing I do have is that he has a facebook account. I've aked if there was any point in exposing there, but it was suggested that it would not help. As far as phone number to call him, they have been very good at hiding it from me. He's also changed his e-mail address so I can't contact him that way either.

What do you think about the facebook thing?

What if I posted something like this to everybody in his friends list. and send a copy to my WW.

Friends and Family of RB

I am the distraught and hurt husband of the woman that RB seduced on-line and is currently dating. I would like everybody in his circle to know that his actions towards a married woman are despicable at the least. I know it takes two and as in many marriages we have our issues.

I love my wife very much and will do all I can to meet any needs that she felt where missing. I do not intend to go away silently and intend to fight for the love of my wife.

If any of you think you may have any influence with Roy I would really appreciate it if you talked to him and try to dissuade him from continuing this relationship.

Thank you for you help.

Your truly,

How do you KNOW his sister is well aware of what is going on? Have YOU spoken to her? Do NOT take your WW's word for anything...I can assure you that when your WW met her she didn't say, "My husband is still in love with me and is fighting for the marriage."...Um, NO WAY did she say anything close to that, IF the fact that she is married even came up at all...TMTS, call his sister...TODAY...She can give you his phone number even...When you call her, be calm and tell her that you are very much in love with your wife and that you are doing everything in your power to save your marriage and family...ASK her to help you towards this goal by doing whatever she can to discourage her brother from helping to break up your family...

Hold off on the facebook thing...talk to Jennifer, I don't think she will advise that...

Go buy the recorder...you need the other team's playbook...

Mrs. W

I wish I could. I have no info on the sister at all. No idea of married name. I did searches in the area for the last name but none show up in the city they live in. So all I know is that they live in a city of 300,000.

Just got off the phone with the mediator. He was expecting for her to call him back and is trying to reach her now. I told him that I do nothing unless she initiates it. He will keep me posted. I hope that this will make it much more real and she'll have a similar reaction to TTG's wife.