We know what's going on...

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I love it BK... The real work started on Saturday morning. I'm still in full Plan a mode until we talk to Jennifer (DW is completely open to talking to her. Is excited about learning more about MB, but does admit that there is some healing that needs to happen.

I do have a little advantage when it comes to NC. He has been living since mid November and my DW found it very difficult to contact him. He does have a cell phone but never gave her the number. (We suspect that it might be the GF's phone). The second thing is that when he called her on Saturday, he threatened to have restraining orders placed on both DW and I if either of us are to contact him or GF again.

So this brings me to a question about the NC letter. DW is more than happy to have written it to help our healing process, (It is very much a FU/NC letter) but I wonder if in this case we might just be fueling a fire that is down to a smolder. MyRev was night about this guy, he is trying to hide. Didn't even have enough guts to call me first. (I gave her my cell number as well). He called her and told her this with a few FUs thrown in there. The thing that I'm worried about is that he knows where my DW works, and I don't trust that he wouldn't try to physically hurt her. (This guy did not love my DW, he was just using her).

So what do you think, do we still send it? I want to send it GF as well, just in case this wakes him up and he decides to change his ways (Not much hope for that, but you never know).

Well Yesterday was just as busy as Saturday. Between unpacking a bunch of kitchen stuff, canceling bank accounts, mediators, Cable hook up, doing (You know it) Laundry.
Going through for finances, creating a new join savings account for our trip, YDD curling, shopping for anniversary rings (Past, present, future rings). We were beat.

But yes there was more as Julie alluded to. We put YDD to bed then pack up a little getaway bag to go to the apartment. We have all this planned out and we are both excited because of the naughty aspect to it. So we get over there, have a fantastic time and we are sitting there talking afterwards until my DW starts laughing her head off. She says “How are we going to explain to ODD how my hair got wet going out for coffee?” So were both in tears now making jokes about what we are going to say, and we start getting dressed when we both realized that an even harder one to explain will be how we left here wearing jeans but came back home in our PJs. LOL

So we got to work on our escape plans a little bit more tightly to cover some of these holes. We did have a fantastic night though.

I am so happy for you dude.

You deserve all the happiness in the world.

Mazel Tov

Aw, good for you. You've got a vacation home in the 'hood!

BTW, your daughter IS 13. Just sayin'

LOL, yes that is another hole in our story. She wants to go visit the place. So how do we explain that the only thing in the place is a futon mattress with a couple of sheets, two candles and a lighter? She will be disgusted as all children are when they realize that their parents do this and like it. It should be pretty funny to see her face. LOL.

And it can happen that fast, and often does, one day they're leaving, the next day they are back...

I guess I should have explained my advice a bit more...

MB have a Plan for renewing the M, Plan A and then Plan B. These are plans for the BS. Actions the betrayed can 'work' to help the marriage get back on track.

What can sometimes occur is the BS begins getting in control-mode, manipulation-mode, thinking these plans are going to control the situation. This can scare off a WS. Who wants to feel manipulated or controlled, that they are being lied to or tricked.

When you were making suggestions about a 3-way call or choreographing a meeting with the OM and envisioning how it would work in your mind, holding the puppet strings. This could have easily been a huge LB. Although you had the best intentions, this could have easily gone very badly if she felt controlled or tricked or that you were coordinating these actions...that's why the advice about sitting back.

It was very helpful you had info and knew what could happen, and it seems you gave it just the nudge it needed...

Now, because you have just entered a new tough part, my question is...is it generally your attitude to control the outcome of events, especially related to your DW?

Since you're paying Jennifer, I'd do whatever she says, but with that said, I doubt it is necessary to send the NC letter in this case. It appears that everyone understands each other and both sides are desirous of having NC. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" ... and right now NC is in place, and sending a NC letter, would in effect, break that NC that has already been established.

Given this guys personality/morals/traits, which were so similar to our OM, I wouldn't worry about him trying to contact your W, or to try to physically assault her ... this guy is a world class PU$$Y. As you've said yourself, "he has no guts", plus he knows now that there's a pissed off BH that would love nothing more than a "REASON". He will avoid you all like the plague.

In my situation, even when my WW tried to reestablish foggy contact twice in the first few days after NC was supposed to be in place, our OM NEVER even attempted to reply. He was/is scared sh*tless, and knew I had him by the short & curlys and would love nothing more than to "USE" that advantage. These type guys fancy themselves as "lovers not fighters", and he's likely too busy lying to his GF to keep a roof over his sorry a$$ to take any action against anyone else.

At this point, just focus on reconnecting with your WW and enjoy the he11 out of the "hysterical bonding" ... it is a good time, and you've earned a little self-indulgence. GO WITH IT!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Put the OM in the back of your mind as much as possible ... its hard, and he will creep back into your thoughts occassionally.

NOW, here is my best advice on what you WILL be facing ... you will soon discover the wonderful (huge sarcasm) world of "triggers". It sounds corny, but find yourself a "happy place" that you can retreat to in your mind when triggers happen. These are he11 in the beginning of recovery and can come from anywhere at anytime.

For me, my favorite pasttime is bird hunting with my english setters, and I have one especially beautiful place that I love to hunt. I've been there so many times that I can imagine every detail of the place, and that's where I would go in my mind whenever I felt a trigger starting. If I could catch it early enough, I could avoid it altogether by going to this great place with my dogs in my mind, and I could at least lessen the effects, even on those especially strong triggers. Just find your own "calming" place, and go there to get away when you need to find some peace.

TMTS, you did GREAT this weekend. You stood up for yourself and your M, against the well meaning but mistaken "wait & see" advice you were given, and are now enjoying the "recovery" fruits of your efforts. Pat yourself on the back, puff out your chest, and feel very good about TMTS, then put back on your armor for the upcoming triggers and roller coaster of emotions.

Knowledge is power ... you know they're coming, and you've proven your strength in being able to deal with extreme adversity. You've survived the earthquake, now prepare for the after-shocks ... as long as you're prepared and recognize these dips for what they are, you'll continue to survive and even prosper.

Again, GREAT JOB!!!

If you're asking if I'm a control freak. I would have to say no. If you're wondering if I'm a gambler and like taking chances, no as well. I'm more the type that will want to try to make everybody happy in a situation. I had a few things going for me, 1) I trusted that neighbor intell how him not caring about her. 2)Finding out the GFs name and finding her on facebook. 3)Seeing cracks of light in the fog over the last two weeks.

This was very uncharacteristic for me and had I not believed that the odds were well stacked on my side I would have held back. Had this guy shown any true level of care of my DW I would not have taken the action of contacting the GF at the time I did. I know there were chances of this back firing on me, but even if they did I think the damage would have been minimal (Of course I didn't know that for sure at the time). When I woke up Saturday morning I had no idea any of this was going to happen, I was getting ready to go visit my folks. But between 8-10am my whole world changed for the good, and then at about 11am we got the call from the GF. So was there an element of luck, yes. Was there an element of trying to control the situation, absolutely? Do I feel it was warranted at the time, yes? This information had to be used and used right away once I had absolute confirmation about the GF and confirmed her contact.

To answer where I think your going with your question. I am a person that speaks his mind, and if the outcome of an event changes because of anything I did or said then so be it, if it doesn’t then so be it as well. I deal with the result either way.

Have I been disrespectful and come off as controlling to my DW in the past. I would imagine that I have. So it is a good topic of conversation to make sure I shift my attitude if she tells me I am in fact controlling.

TMTS,
I am very happy for you. Let the hard work begin and keep your focus on creating a new marriage where this can never happen again, and both you and your w can be truly happy. Keep focused, from what I understand (which I admit isn't much) now the hard stuff begins, keep at it.

TMTS,

Fair warning: After withdrawal the realization of your above statement will, most likely, take a toll on your W. (Just giving you a heads up). It's a pretty sucky feeling when a person realizes this and often this is when the "How did I let this happen" thinking starts and she may start to beat herself up over her choices.

I would highly recommend she start talking to a therpist now to help her deal with what is to come later.

LC

TMTS, Been out of town for a few days and just got caught up. Congrats. I hope to be in your shoes some day soon.

My WW brought up me being controlling last week. She thinks she'll never have feelings for me again but I'm trying to get her to understand if we make some changes in our marriage that her feelings will come back, but you can't teach a WW anything. I just hope by showing her some signs of changes she'll get it, now that I'm confident her A is over.

Sorry to TJ. Again, I'm very happy for you.

Forget therapist...so long as we can afford to there is only one therapist for me and that's Jennifer. (We have an appointment with her for tomorrow).

You hit on something that was bugging her on Saturday already. She asked me not to talk about the details of what we found out about OM because she was embarrassed about getting sucked in by him.

I'm pretty sure that's what my FWW went through, after she found out that OM was "just curious to see what it would be like", and really had no special interest in her (at least that's what she told me). One of the reasons that she doesn't want to think about her A or its repercussions at all, I believe.

This scares me a bit TMTS-this can't be "swept under the rug"-As soon as your adrenaline rush wears off from all of the latest happenings, I believe you will wish to talk about it-ask questions-want to know details...She must understand that-it is not her decision what you get to know or when talking about it is over-she is NOT the victim in this...I understand that it's not loads of fun to relive your embarrassments, but in this case she must work through that stuff and then the conditions that led to the affair must be eliminated-gotta understand those weaknesses to protect them, yanno? This is not me saying that the two of you must hash and rehash this stuff, in fact, Dr. Harley says that is a very bad plan, and that once the details are out the best way to recover is to work the MB program...You just need to rip the bandaid off now, so to speak-get it out there so that you and she BOTH have all the facts-As great as it would be if none of this ever happened, the fact is that it DID and she can't just pretend that it didn't as much as she'd like to...I think it would be good for her to read Joseph's letter-have you read that? If not, let me know, I'll find it and post it for you...

My fears are somewhat allieviated by the fact that the two of you are being coached by Jennifer...I would talk to her about these things...they are very important, imo...Same with the NC letter-I can tell you that Mr. W and I didn't send one and then regretted it about 9 months later I believe it was...OM felt that it was just fine and dandy for him to email me...We too thought that there was no chance of this happening as OM had been very clear that *I* was NEVER to contact him again-the same rules just didn't apply to him apparently...grrrr...We did send one then of course and that has been the end of him overstepping that boundary...I know it seems like a formality at this point, but I think it is a VERY important one...See what Jennifer thinks...

I think it would be very wise of the two of you to put your DDs in counseling as well...

Mrs. W

P.S. Mr. W was never a trigger guy...I'm hoping the same for you...

This is such fantastic news. I'm so thrilled to see this happen!!!

Oh, is that what you call it now, "doing laundry"? HAHA

How about she write a NC letter to all men in general, saying she's off limits! ;-)

Sorry Mrs.W that state ment was somewhat misleading. she didn't want me to talk to our parrents or family about those details yet. As for the conversations, she has been quite open about it and has encouraged me to ask questions about whatI needed to know for my healing process.

We were planning on talking to Jennifer about the NC letter, but your point is worth considering.

As for the DDs we had not thought about it, but probably a good idea.

Now for some bad news... she called the Ladlady about the appartment and found out that she had interest from others in the place, and wanted to start showing it asap. This means we loose our little love shack. (But i want to visit it a couple more times before we give the ok to show it again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

TMTS,

Once you get caught up, I gotta get you back on the reading plan.

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Mark

Are you now posting elsewhere Laundry Boy? Or have you been too busy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ?

Aw, man...me and W2S had a better one last night and you've already changed it...

We were going to suggest "Splinter" because of how many 2x4 you took, especially in the beginning!!

Or "Homerun" since you are now in recovery and because we had to smack you with a baseball bat...

Oh well!