Orchid you are wonderful. I took a xanex to sleep last night. It is now after 5 in the morning. I wrote him a long email last night and told him that I will not give up on us,that I love him and will do whatever it takes to get us back. We have a history. He just seems so depressed. I asked him last night if he will make an appointment to go to his therapist that he saw 2 yrs ago and he did say yes. I am just so devastated. He was so clear that he doesn't want me, doesn't want to be with me anymore. So now I will give him space, not call no text and no emails after the one last night. Is this the right thing to do? I did say in the email that maybe we could just date-no pressure. He had wanted to do that before all my talk of him moving home. I think I put too much pressure on him to come back home. Do you think I should just leave him alone? He talked of all his efforts to make things right after his first ea 2 yrs ago-I would not accept his efforts, would not let up on my hurt and outrage of his betrayl. So much of that I regret now. Is this really the end for us? I don't know how to go forward. I have to work and I am so emotional, afraid of braking down at work-I manage over 45 people. I need to be strong. I will contact my dr. to get anti depressants-I have a history of depression and have taken them in the past. Please give me advise on where to go from here with him. After we hung up last night I called him back after a few min. I could tell he was on the phone but he answered- I asked him who he was talking to and he said his friend-I asked him if he told him of our conversation and that it was of over and he said yes-he told him we will get divorced. He seems so sure of his decision. I know that so many people are going through so much from reading here -I am trying to understand but right now I am lost.

Liaz,

Have you noticed that when you pressure with questions, you get disappointing answers and this sets off your depression? It is a vicious cycle.

Please read up on plan A, work on you for now and stay away from the babbling WS. If he is saying stuff to friends, then you ought to start letting friends and family know also. It is called exposure. Ask for their assistance. Expect him to get angry and spew more babble. Later you will realize that his babble is just that....unsubstantiated.

Secure your finances and get into MC w/someone familiar with MB concepts or call Steve @ MB. Steve does phone counseling.

Get a plan and stay away from the WS spew (aka: babble). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thank you so much. I have had no contact with H since I sent email-he did not respond. I can't help feeling that he is in contact still with the OW out of state. I feel that maybe that is why he is acting in such a fog and wants to end it with me? Do you think I should contact her? I have her phone number. I am trying to find out her husband's name too. I have not spoken with her. Do I just continue this darkness? I know it has only been 2 days but he sounded so final obout us. Please tell me your thoughts on contacting her-Thank you

My sister called the OW. Asked her about my H and she said they were not in touch. The OW said my H and I had problems in our marriage that had nothing to do with her. She implied that I would know that she was not the problem. So now I am left wondering if he has started something new with a different P or if in fact he is telling me he wants to end us because he can no longer take the fighting and mistrust, which is what he has said all along. I am so confused by his reasons for ending our marriage of 25 yrs, just because he wants to be alone?!! He does not want to try to work this out. I will go on and I will not communicate with him-maybe he will realize what he is missing and wake up. He will have to contact me in the future to work out a LS or divorce. I am paying all the bills at our home and he is paying his own for his rented room. He has no money and I know he is not happy living there so I guess he will try to find other living arrangements. We have a lease here until June-then I will decide where to go. I can not afford this on my own. Wish me luck. I do still have hope for our marriage-am I crazy?

I have been posting in emotional needs threads because I was convinced that there was not a OW. WRONG!! I feel so stupid. There is a OW. Not the one he was talking to out of state!!! A new one. I looked up his phone bill and found all these calls to one number.

I should back track a bit..After saying he wanted nothing from me as I posted above, that he wanted to be alone, he started to come around again. I had been working a serious plan A. We were talking and seeing each other and he was seeing the changes in me. BUT..it just did not add up-everyone kept saying he was exhibiting classic fog. YES!!
After our phone call with him telling me he didn't want "us" I called him back and he was on the phone. Well, when I was checking his phone bill I saw that this same phone number was the one he called right after he hung up with me!!!!! It was her!!! He was telling her that he told me we were done.

Yesterday I called her-looked up this phone number and there was her picture at a Pilates studio. I asked her if she knew who I was and she said no I said Bob's wife-she replied he is seperated. I asked how do you know him and she said from running(he is a triathlete). I just said ok that is all I needed to know and hung up.

I called him and ranted really ranted about his lies and his girlfriend. I lost control. I had been in such denial. I met him last night to talk and I was so calm. I told him that I loved him that I knew he loved me and I wanted to fight for our marriage. He cried...said he did love me but is so messed up-doesn't know why. He told me he had been trying to cut it off with her----she was becoming too needy!!!He told me that he was going to call and tell her NC. He says that he did not sleep with her--another EA. They did things together like hiking running etc. So here I am. He sent me an article today on Emotional affairs, it was written by a W trying to understand why?? I wrote ack that I do understand-we need to move forward-we love each other. We have so much. He seems to be coming out of the fog. He is moving into an appartment with a friend this weekend-out of his rented room. Tomorrow night he is coming here to cook dinner with me. Baby steps? No LB's. I am working it. Any advice? This site has saved my life. Tahnk you all for your help and I really don't know what I would have done had I not found it.


me-47
dh-49
married 25 yrs
1st EA 2005
#2 2 months-sept/oct
#3 now

Not having a response to my last post I am wondering what else I should do? Having dinner with H tonight.

Do I ask him to write a NC letter to the OW? Do I even ask him any questions about her? I know he is trying but how will I know for sure that she is out of the picture? He is moving into a different apartment this weekend-him sending me the emotional affair article is encouraging but I want to go forward correctly-just let him talk?

Please any advise is needed. I am fighting for my marriage.

Stay in Plan A. Be pleasant and cheerful, with no angry outbursts or disrespectful judgments. Protect yourself financially.

Sounds like a midlife crisis to me. Continue spying if you can. And don't be surprised if one of these affairs is a physical affair.

Thank you believer! I know that I have been meeting some of his EN's and the OW has been meeting different ones-I know this just from my reading here and his actions. He has been sleeping with me but I know that it would be foolish of me to believe he has not been sleeping with her too.

I have been so sucessful with plan A that I think he is now questioning his relationship with OW. He sees the changes in me. I just don't want to get into the cake eating with him because I think that has been happening for him this past month.
He is starting to come around but not yet ready to commit.
I will continue to spy-not easy with him living away, work computer and my only method is to get into his phone bill.

Of course I just found out about the OW 2 days ago-so much of his behavior is clear to me now because I know about her.

My real concern is him having both of us meeting his needs. Should I ask him to write a NC letter? Or just trust him when he tells me it's done with her? I guess I could find out with phone records again.

Thank you so much!

You would consider trusting him?!

My opinion is that a NC letter and an agreement to transparency is essential for recovery to begin. Until the WS is willing to end all contact and have it verifiable, you are still dealing with a wayward mindset.

He is unlikely to agree to NC at this point liaz, continue Plan A.

You are right-how can I consider trusting him!

I will ask him tonight to write a NC letter and agree to being transparent. He told me yesterday that he was going to tell her it was done with them. What do I do if he says he told her? What proof could I have? Do I call her and ask???

I don't want to make things worse while I am trying so hard in plan A.

Thank you Tyk.

The "proof" is in a NC letter written by him and sent by you, then him allowing you to verify NC through whatever means you require to satisfy yourself. Things like phone record access, email account passwords, keylogger software on computers, complete accountability of time, etc.

Here is my update fron our dinner last night- I asked him to write a NC letter and he said he would but then he told me that he doesn't know if this won't happen again with someone else! I am heartsick. He keeps telling me he is not well-that he doesn't know why he is doing this. He needs help. Our MC appt is next week. He continues to tell me he loves me and can't imagine being married to anyone else.

I talked to him today and was pleasant-I asked him about getting together tomorrow and he suggested meeting for coffee int the morning before his bike ride. I said ok what about us going on a hike after his ride-he replied I was thinking of coming over later for dinner (not asking me to cook) we could just hang out. I said ok.

I then asked him if he had talked to the OW and he then said " I am telling her tomorrow to F off! I said oh are you doing that over the phone and he said no that he was going to do it in person! So....the reason for wanting to see me later was because he had planned to meet her-after his ride and tell her -but was not being honest in the beginning with me! He asked me is that ok? and I replied if that is what you want to do.

I want to go with him..is that crazy? I want to follow him..I want to see and hear this. I am sure he will not agree to it. Should I even suggest it?? I want to call him back and ask "where are you meeting"

Do I just stay back and hope he will tell me of their conversation? He told me that she was wanting more from him and that this was NOT a physical relationship.. I am so confused but I am trying soo hard to meet his needs.

Please any advise about this is needed. Thank you!!!

Telling her to F off "in person" is SO not necessary and to me, somewhat suspicious. Even if his current intention is good and up to your standard on what he needs to do, but once he sees her, she got a chance to convince him and to change his mind and it can lead to anther level of emotional connection and possible further deceit and continue of the affair.

BA

You are right. Should I ask him to not do it in person? With the reasons you have stated above? Maybe ask him to do it on the phone where I can hear him? Ask him why he feels it necessary to do it in person in the first place?????

I have a very hard time believing that it was not a PA. Wasn't he the one who made the move and kissed his co-worker after telling you NC? And in this case, since the OW wants more and I am sure she's putting herself out and he is not taking advantage of it? Has he always be honest with you about details of his affair without lying? There, you have your answer. Protect yourself and demand him to get tested for STD.

Do it over the phone with you there and not let her know that you're there is probably the best way. Make sure you let him know in advanced that he actually tell her to F off without sugarcoating it AND that he wants to be with you and be married to you only like he told you earlier.

BA

Thank you so much. I will call him now and tell him this is the way I would like him to do it. He is not answering his phone so I left him a message to call me. I will definately let you know what happens --I may need more help!!

He is meeting her. Will not change his mind. Says he needs to start being less of a nice guy with other women. He feels that this is the best way to help himself.

I told him of my concerns of her convincing him to stay, meeting his EN's and the possibility of her changing his mind. He said no- won't happen.

He did say that if she contacts him at all after this meeting that he will agree to any phone calls etc. I think necessary.

He did get angry with me. He is trying and wants to do what he thinks is best way to handle it and that being in person eye to eye!!

I'm scared this may back fire as he is still not committing to me. I will continue with plan A. Thank you for all your advise and I may need your help!!!!

Ho-hum, he is just being the typical WS, going by the textbook. You aren't going to be able to tell him what to do, so don't worry about it. Here is what the Harley's say -

"How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent."

He's agreeing to NC yet initiating contact. So, he obviously doesn't agree to the idea of NC. Once he does, he will agree that YOU set the terms for NC, not him.

Don't get sucked into his twisted version of reality.

You're welcome, Liaz. I can no longer help you, but there are many here who can. I believe your marriage is one of those that can definately be saved. Good luck to you.

BA