I don't mean to be disrespectful at all to those that are new. But when I came here 9 months ago (gosh I just realized it's been that long), I don't recall seeing so many new people posting advice.

There were lots of us posting our own stories and updates. Some were posting just to offer support, prayer, or encouragement. But advice???

I just started posting advice in the past month or two. I have been here 9 months posting my story and implementing the MB principles and advice from vets. I have read SAA, His Needs/Her Needs, Love Busters, AND have been counseling with the Harleys. Yet, I still feel unqualified to post at times. I just feel so new at all this.

It seems every post I open there are multiple new people here posting advice to others. Most of this advice has a hint of MB principles, but is more often just random advice not related to the Harleys. Or even worse, someone's misguided interpretation spoken with authority.

Please folks, take seriously the consequences of misdirecting a newly betrayed spouse. Newly BS's are whirling all over the emotional roller coaster, and if you are a new BS, so are you. MBers is a narrow, systematic approach to dealing with infidelity. This board is to help those of us who desire to implement MBers.

I don't want to discourage you from posting support, encouragement or prayers, but I am becoming increasingly concerned about the lack of MB direction coming from new people to newly BS's.

I hope this doesn't offend. I realize that most of us post with the intention of being helpful. But perhaps letting those who have worked the principles for a while handle the advice giving.

(I know this isn't coming across as I intend.)

I also acknowledge that there are particular situations where a newer person may have some insight, but too much is wavering away from the Harley's material. It's all just, "I feel you should do...." Let us follow the great, wise counselor, Dr. Harley. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sure, you all have the right to post. I just ask you to consider if you have the knowledge and experience in MB principles to truly advise.

SMB, right now the board is being bombed with trolls and instigators who keep changing their ID's. I don't know how or why they target certain people, because there seems to be no rhyme or reason.

Unfortunately, some well meaning board members have changed the conversation away from the destructive behavior to how "nice" board members are to them, causing huge dissension between board members. Sadly, the trolls win while board members sit back and argue about how nice we are to the trolls and the instigators.

It's a very sad day on this board and what is saddest is that those who should know better make the situation worse by calling board members MEAN and defending the instigators. A case of very misguided compassion if I ever saw one.

Mel,

I appreciate what you are saying. But I'm not even talking about the trolls. (And you know I am all too familiar with them.)

I'm concerned about the brand new BS's posting on other newly BS's threads, thinking they are helping. But often (not always) they are misguiding. They don't yet fully understand the principles because they haven't had the time to practice them. KWIM?

I don't remember any newbies posting to me. Maybe I have a bad memory. And I remember Ace posting to me LOTS and LOTS of encouragement, but would always she would leave the advice giving to the vets. Sure am glad she now considers her own advice worthy of posting.

I gotcha, SMB. I have tried to catch some of the newcomers coming in. Since you know the principles of MB well, I hope you know that you can also contribute? I thought you were giving wonderful support to phoenix!

Yes, in answer to your question.

Except when it comes to legal stuff (which I feel pretty confident about), I ALWAYS try and let people know that I didn't do things the MB way and to listen to those who did.

I try and stay clear of Plan A and Plan B specifics for the very reasons you cite above. I don't want to misguide anyone and want to save them from the added pain I went through that could have been avoided had I found MB.

It concerns me too when this happens because the newest newbies don't know that they're getting advice from the newer newbies. I think it would helpful if people who are fairly new to MB would state that before they offer advice.

Thanks, Mel.

Phoenix's thread really pulled on my heart strings. I think I'll be her cheerleader like Ace was for me. In fact, FWS and I have both cried for her and have prayed together for her family. Her story seems close to home for us both.

I am probably one of those you are referring to, if so, I apologize if you consider any advise I have given to be incorrect. If you ever do feel this way, please jump in and correct me, anyone.

I feel that oftentimes simply engaging someone in a conversation is helpful.

In my defense, I have also read many of the books and am working recovery with my own W, talking with others about thier sitchs is a way to give back and keep myself focused on my own M.

Tyk, your posts are awesome! You know the program and you have a great success story to share. Please keep pitching in!

For me, the best thing that I feel I can offer is a STRATEGY while others do very well in contributing CONVERSATION. I think that both are needed here.

Tyk, I agree with ML. Your posts so far have been right on the money (from what I know - lol).

SMB, I am so thankful when I see you post now. You have tons of good stuff to offer.

ML... it goes without saying when it comes to your advice. You have a knack for shaking, rocking, rattling and rolling people right out of their own BS/WS fog! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No, no, no, Tyk.

I think your posts are right on.

I even posted on Zach's post, "Yeah. What Tyk said." You expressed everything I was thinking.

I, too, am new, but have lurked here with my H for some months. I have tried to focus only on those threads that directly ask for "my" kind of advice...i.e. the thread "new WS/please help/is my wife in a fog?" That type of thing. I just came out of my fog a few days ago and am being helped more than I am helping, I think, but that's what I am hoping will happen. My posts don't get many readers/posters, so I have found support in just reading, somtimes posting (but only if I really feel I am able to help, as in Regret_is_me's post). I would say the same as Tyk above, that if anyone feels I am overstepping or misguided, please let me know. I plan to be a permanent member here, and eventually (hopefully) will garner some of the respect of the senior members. As my H and I progress through this very painful time, I hope I can be of comfort to anyone who is struggling. That is truly my goal. I am, nor is my hubby, want2stay, a troll or a drive-by. I hope noone sees us in that light as many have been extremely helpful to us...star*fish, Mr. and Mrs. Wondering, Ace and SadPunk to name a few...THANK YOU!!!!

Thanks, PM, I feel the same about your no nonsense posts. You are a great contributor on this forum! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Like you, I did not do it the MB way, but have been making up for lost time the past few years. Better late than never, IMO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yep, I've seen it too and have been too busy at work and home and with church stuff to be able to always jump in and add my own .02 worth.

I agree with Mel, Tyk. I have seen your posts to others and thought you were steering them right, so I searched on for others to help.

I have seen advice being given by posters who are making their third or fourth post in all. Some of these folks have not yet confirmed that they have even read the basic concepts as of yet and their advice is clearly not in line with MB ideas and methods. When I encounter one of these I attempt to add my own "Welcome to MB" spiel and point them to the resources already available such as Lonhorn's thread, WAT's thread, BP's toolkit, the BCs, Q&A columns etc and suggest that they read those first before doing anything else.

And then, of course we have the trolls...'nough said about that subject.

And is it just me, or are there a lot of newbies here right now compared to a couple months ago?

Mark

PM,

You are one great lady with an awesome story. Your posts helped me a lot on my thread. Ace directed me to read your story so that I could see that sometimes really dramatic things happen. I didn't believe then that it would be in my marriage. WOW! Was I wrong, huh?



yes, I think the new BS's may get contradicting information and not realize who really can help them with MB principles. Also, since MB is often counter-intuitive, if they go with what sounds good or feels good, it is often the opposite of MB.

It might be helpful to explain how to identify newbies. The fact that you just posted kudos to someone who has only been here (according to registration date) for 3 months is a bit confusing. (No offense intended, Tyk, just using you as an example)

Newbies can't know how the hierarchy works around here. Is a newbie considered a newbie by the registration date, number of posts, "unworthiness" as pointed out by other posters? - who may or may not be newbies themselves or "unworthy" as deemed by a whole other set of posters?

How are they supposed to know who is legit or not?

Mark,




What a great way to handle it.


A resounding YES. That is what prompted me to post this.

WH74,

I understand your point. I don't want to segregate that xyz, pdr, mno, are newbies; and abc, def, ghi aren't.

I just hope to prompt some of the newbies to CONSIDER if they comprehend the principles enough to post advice. Some newbies may have read A LOT before they registered. Many have not, and it is apparent in the way they post. If they aren't truly familiar with the MB philosophy, should the be offering advice to a new BS here? I don't think they are intentionally doing harm, they just don't realize how important following this narrow MB path is.

And I am only talking ADVICE giving. Posting support and encouragement, hugs and prayers are always a blessing to a new BS.

Yes, and I attribute that to 2 things: the usual seasonal influx, which will get worse and worse for the next 2 months or so, AND we do have trolls posing as newbies to disrupt the board.

Their situations usually involve some conroversial subject. We have one poster who I suspect is making up new names daily and coming here and posting as a newbie. He is pretty obvious, though, and I have noticed most posters sense it.

Except when "veteran" posters decide it is enabling and a whole thread gets run away with in a debate of who is allowed to post what.

Personally, I agree with your statement above. I was grateful when ANYONE would post to me when I was new. Many who were new with me are now "older" with me.

Then there are others who were deemed unworthy by "vets" or were chastised for encouragement posted to me. - and I was chastised for offering understanding (NOT advice) to others.

The problem isn't just the newbies.

This thread will hopefully help newbies with making educated decisions on whose advice to weigh more heavily and what kind of posts they themselves are able to offer.