You know I sure hope that this thread doesn't scare newbies from venturing out and trying to help others here apply MB principles...Many newbies have become very valuable assets to this community...We were all once newbies and this forum would be NOTHING without it's members...You gotsta be a newbie before you can become an oldie afterall! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I say post newbies, but first read and understand the MB Basic Concepts at least...AND be open to correction if necessary...try not to take it personally...I certainly know that I am not above reproach myself...None of us here knows everything...

Mrs. W

Well I'll get in line for my spanking as a newbie!! I lurked for many months before posting and read Harleys books, the information on the MB site and other books recommended here (After the Affair, Torn Asunder, etc.)
I'm also working with a IC who is familiar with MB principles. Not that any of this makes me qualified to give advice on these situations, but I wanted to just make it clear that I did not try to wing it when I posted with advice/opinions.

I don't most much on my own sitch because I'm in Plan B and there's not much going on. But I read daily and when I do post it is more to try to be a support to others.

Seriously, to all the vets, if I've ever ill-advised anyone feel free to call me on it. I want to learn and do the right thing here. I can take a 2x4.

Smartie

True, but with DHCP I'm not sure how well IP blacklisting would work. Even with DSL or cable internet you're never guaranteed of getting the same IP address. Somebody in your service area might wind up getting blacklisted, and then YOU might inherit the blacklisted IP address <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

MAC blacklisting might work, though...

Good point. I emailed the site support team as a suggestion, so they can decide if it's worth it, I guess.

I think the probability of this would be very low, though, and the person could always email and explain the situation on the off chance it did happen...?

Great post, Mark.

You just keep doing that.

LA

Thank you all for the kind words, it is good to know I am for the most part being recieved as my delivery is intended.

I would say this, to the vets: us newbies need to be groomed and taught, for some of us may in fact be the next vets Its been noted that many vets are currently leaving. For whatever reason, that is to be expected, especially in a forum like this. As one leaves, others need to be able to step up and fill the void. I would counsel that when bad advice is seen, that it simply be pointed out as being non-MB and that if further discussion is necessary that it be taken to a new thread solely dedicated to that topic.

What I see happening alot is that 3rd parties will get mired in a debate that is not specifically related to the post topic. I lump that type of thing as "drama" and I dislike it and feel bad for those folks seeking help that have thier threads drug down into a the tangential muck like that. Instead of stifling discussion about a topic, if it is off topic to the thread, lets just agree to take it to a new thread, or suggest to those engaged in the debate that they take it to a separate thread.

This post is a prime example of something that could be taken to a separate thread! :P

Thanks again everyone!

Thank you Mrs. W. I won't let this thread scare me. And if I mess up, anyone is free to nudge me the right way or just plain contradict me. I'll just keep plugging along and trying.

I actually started visiting the MB site several years ago and tried to work on the principles with my H. Someone has a sig line here that talks about being *interested* in fixing your relationship. It's not enough, and that's where we were.

And now we are here in a much different place because I made the worst mistake of my life. Not a ton of FWSs here, and I feel like it's a way I can help and pay back for my mistake.

So hey - newbie alert - right here. Correct as needed.

Tyk, I've never posted to your thread, but I've seen your posts and agree with the others...... but for me, I had to add the disclaimer 'as far as I know', which, for us rookies often is not all that far. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I totally agree with you that we newbies and rookies need to be taught. I definitely want to be in the position to be an MB Vet cuz that will mean we've made it. At this point (only a week after DH lied to me again) I'm not so sure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I was humbled to see you, SMB, comment that I gave you tons and tons of encouragement. I'm so glad you saw it as that.....I merely refuse to bump a thread with the word <bump>. I always try to ask/say something and it's nice to know you were blessed by my little gestures of digging your thread out from the depths of "sliding thread oblivion."

And you're right....I had very little to offer except for words of 'hang in there'....and 'read PM's thread for encouragement'......but I'm glad it worked.

Y'know, I got 2x4'd in my first week and it was probably the best thing that happened to me....it showed someone cared enough to correct me. THANK YOU MELODYLAND and others!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I would encourage newbies who want to post advice to first read and read and read and read and read....and when the opportunity presents it self, post what little you've learned to a thread with veteran posters already posting to someone. Then read and read and read and read. (If you miss it somewhere, count on a veteran to help you on that thread or on a separate thread on GQII.)

Thanks for this discussion, SMB...loookieee you! I'll bet you're amazing yourself at how much you've actually learned in your few 8 months...I'm only 3 months ahead of you in reg. date, y'know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Ace

MelodyLand?? LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

We have a great group of newer people on this board who do an excellent job of learning the principles and helping others. Some are in such dire straits themselves, yet they manage to go and help others. That touches my heart so much! I just love them! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

To me, it does not matter a whit how long a person has been here; what matters is if they understand MB when they start advising newcomers. Heck, I know ppl who have been here for 2 months who know more than some who have been here for 5 years! I have much respect for those who dig in and learn the program right away and help others here. They are heroes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I will never forget how you thought I was a guy and I called you Melodyland as you (and others) were tubin' me back in mid-January. I'm sure you don't remember but I do.

THANK YOU!!!! LOL!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ace

Thank you all for giving me the benefit of the doubt on my intent in the original post.

And thank you for keeping the tone of this thread on a positive note.

Many of you were able to articulate much better than I what I was trying to say, and I love the suggestions made here about how to offer some correction/direction to a newbie that might not quite grasp an MB concept.

Some of the threads I have visited over the past week (I have been sick and reading a lot), seem to be inundated with newbie post after newbie post. I kept reading, wondering why there were SO MANY posting.

In the first few months I came here, I was in survival mode and need to focus on coping through the day and implementating the very counter-intuitive plan that my "heroes" were posting me to do. If I had started to post on others threads much, I would not have had the energy to keep dealing with my stuff...exposing, snooping, Plan Aing, coping, researching legal and financial stuff, setting boundaries, preparing for Plan B...there was sooooo much to do.

BUT, I came here brand new, never having even heard of Dr. Harley or His Needs/Her Needs or anything else. So, yeah, I could see how a reg. date doesn't necessarily deem someone as a newbie. I see now that some may have been studying this material for months before registering.

I humbly have my eyes open a little more.

Blessings to ALL of you who have "been there" or "are there".

SMB...

I never doubted your intent for even a second and meant to say that in my post...And I've also thought very highly of your posts helping others recently...You are doing GREAT! Just thought you should know...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

<----- teh noob

Speaking of trolls... BestAdvisor is back and posting on newbie threads as of last night.

IMHO it's OK and even the compassionate, responsible thing to do to warn newcomers if somebody we know to be a fellow newcomer is pretending to be someting they are not, be that a best advisor, BS (vs OW), etc.

AND then ALSO give them better advice (not either/or).

I also think we should inform newcomers that Dr Harley has a ton of experience working with addicts, and that it is the addictive nature of adulteries that his method deals with.

It helped me a lot to better understand what withdrawal was like for my WH and to not take it so personally when he waffled. It also helps when I still sometimes have bad days and start thinking that maybe the OW were better than me, you know that popular myth that if your man wanders it means you weren't woman enough to hold onto him... I know that he had an addiction to the high he got from adultery and it really had very little to do with either me or the OW, and how we compared to each other.

Thank you, Mrs. W. Coming from you, that means a lot to me.

What I find interesting is the double standard that is coming from a board vet here. This vet staunchly defends it's right to post as it pleases and beats down anyone who dares to say they might need to tone it down at bit. Yet they also are almost always the first to jump on a poster who isn't saying what they think is appropriate. This person will not let up and will defend to the death it's right to berate the poster in question, telling them what an idiot they are and calling them trolls and such.

Also, a lot of the thread jacking is caused by this vet because they can not let something go, they HAVE to have the last word and be right, at all costs. That is what is turning off lots of posteres here too.

SMB - I followed your thread and I think you are an amazingly strong woman. Your H is very lucky that he didn't completely lose you. I'm sure he's very aware of that. I wish you and your family NOTHING but the best for the future.

I noticed that most BS's come here in pain and they usually will stick to their own thread at first (just like you did SMB) and they don't usually branch out into giving advice until they feel more in control of their sitch.

I think some of the newbies who give advice are just being conversational and trying to contribute. They don't mean harm, all that needs to be done is tell them NICELY that their advice goes against MB (if it does). It doesn't have to turn into a wrestling match, causing a total threadjack.

Anyway, that's my two cents.

I think newbies come to MB for all sorts of reasons. I was 15 months past d-day when I registered and my FWH's affair had ended prior to d-day. I didn't need any advice on how to bust up the affair.

I came looking for advice on how to save me. I was in terrible pain at my FWH's betrayal and didn't know how to get past it. I wasn't even sure it was normal to feel so bad after more than a year.

What I found here was a place to share my experience as a BS. I got to express how I was feeling to people who really understood what it feels like to be a BS.

Being able to commiserate with other BS was tremendously helpful for me. Once I understood that what I was experiencing was normal, I was able to slowly climb out of the terrible place I had been.

For me, marital recovery took a very long time and I try to be very cautious about the content of any advice I do give.

That said, I do consider myself a pretty good example of someone who tried to achieve recovery while only following some of the MB principles and not doing MC, and failed.

MB is a gold mine, but IMO, it is a package that can succeed only when all components are used as needed. That doesn't mean that everyone needs to expose an affair that has ended, or go to plan B if plan A is sufficient for them, it just means that choosing options that do not include NC, haven't worked for anyone here that I know of, and if you don't understand and implement things like identifying and meeting each others top EN's, well then you are probably going to fail in the end.

I have gotten so much great advice here and hope that I have occasionally given some as well. I don't see a problem with new folks sharing some of the things that worked for them, as long as they are within MB principles.

After all this is the MB site.

Who