well it's my first post, and i knew it was coming soon.....I won't tell the whole story now, but i could use some advice on some things. I have been lurking for a month trying to help our marriage. I knew that WW was having an A but couldn't prove it, she denied it, looked in my eyes and told me she wasn't, they were "just friends". last night i found the secret cell phone in her purse and had no time to think. I read the messages, and man it hurts, i have never felt such pain to see the words that i always wanted her to say to me. I have been trying to stay calm, i tried to follow the guidlines for plan a, but i didn't expect to find the evidence that way. she was right there and the secret was finally out on the table. luckily it's only been going on for a few months and I', hoping she is telling the truth that it's not physical, but i don't actually believe that. I'll try to elaborat on our situation as needed but right now i have a few important questions. obviously i'm knee deep in plan A. I've asked her to stop all contact with the OM give him his phone back and quit her job. She will not agree to any of this "YET" she's used every excuse in the book, so I don't need to explain that part. I want to be happily and I'm doing all I can to change for the better and meet her ENs right now and have been for a while. I feel like a doormat becuase she won't cut off contact with OM. she even sleeps in bed with the phone he gave her (since she's affraid I'll take it). is it ok to demand that she stops talking to him and quit her job. she says she'll leave me before quitting, nomatter what is going on with him. I don't want her to move out before we have a chance to fix this, what do I do, just sit here and hope she does the right thing, or try to force it? some other details; I've told WWs mother, some of her family and my family, but OM is single, living in an apt. with his aunt, and I don't have any info on him as of right now. so how can I put pressure on this A? I am so destroyed by all of this, I hope things start to improve soon becuase I feel like i'm paralized.........

A

aph, the first thing you should do is expose the affair. Start with the workplace by writing a letter to the director of Human Resources, the company VP and cc their bosses. Send the letter registered mail. Here is a sample that was developed by a member who is a corporate attorney: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=2

on the day that they receive the letter, I would finish up your exposures so that it all happens on the same day. START with the OM's AUNT. Go to his apartment and meet with her. Tell her the situation and ask for her help. I would also meet with the OM so he can put a face to a name. Ask him what his intentions are with your wife and tell him that you will fight for your marraige and will not go down easily.

Expose to any other key family members. What was her mother's response? Have you told her dad? Are there any other respected family members you could tell?

Also, I would ask her to not keep her affair phone [use those words] in YOUR HOME because it is extremely disrespectful of her to parade her affair phone in the sanctity of your home. She can keep it outside but not in your home.

I would also suggest that you call the Harleys for counseling if you can afford it. Steve Harley is a marriage COACH who can give you a PLAN.

But start with Longhorns thread over on the "Just Found Out" forum for now.

Sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Welcome to Marriage Builders.

What does the OM do for a living?

How many children?

Hi aph,

Where did she meet him at work? Just b/c she told you he's single doesn't mean it's true. You need to find out who this guy is.

Have you read spying 101 yet? I'll go hunt it up for you.

~ Marsh

Here it is---->Spying 101

~ Marsh

Here's a list of Do's and Don'ts that Mr. W. brought here...

DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

~ Marsh

thaanks so much, it very tough to type i'm shaking, she just finished her first IC session about an hour ago and texted me that she needs to stop at the store and grab some food on the way home, I know she's probably meeting him, i hate this so much!!!

ok deep breath!

no kids, were 27/28 , married 1.5 yrs together for 9.

just bought a house i got a great job and now "shs unhappy"

She met him at work, but he works for a seperate company (security) I don't have any good info on him yet, not even a last name. I am going to downlaod some spyware to put on her laptop but she might have stopped using it becuase she knows I'm snooping around and can't find her e-mail password.

I'm going to read the spying 101 now, but i've read a lot of other stuff this past month on here, i just don't know if I can let this A go on it is so hard to think about where she is right now or what she is doing......

a

(((Aph)))

Here's the link Mel was talking about ----> Longhorn's thread

Hang in there! You will get great support here!

You will make it!

~ Marsh