Hello all..

Been suffering for months but only here reading for weeks. I am trying to learn all I can, but the more I read, the more confused and the more angry I get.

My H had an affair. His affair was a no-strings, friends-with-benefits, oral-sex only (proven by polygraph) type of affair. It went on for two years. TWO years!!! I never even suspected...not even a little bit. He was always wonderful, kind, affectionate and attentive. He did not turn into the "alien" I have read about at MB, nor did he ever appear to be in a fog. He told me he loved me daily. He bought me lavish gifts and took me on romantic vacations. He was every girl's fantasy of what a husband should be.

I decided to surprise him one night at the office while he was working late. I packed a bottle of wine and some cheeses and walked in on him receiving a BJ from the OW!! I wanted to kill him!! I was livid. I found out she did not work there; they merely used his office for their late night activities. The affair ended that very night, and my H came home a very scared and repentent man.

His affair has completely devastated me, and has changed my perception of him forever. But it's not just the infidelity that has me seeing red. You see, my H and I have always had a very bland sex life. This is how he wanted it. Any offers on my part of anything that he considered "wild" or "kinky" were met with disapproval by him. I have never even been allowed to give my own husband a blow job!! I have offered repeatedly over the years, he has always declined, saying I was "too good" to do that and he loved me too much to think about me in "that way". I always accepted that...that he revered me and put me on a pedastal. I somehow convinced myself that it was "sweet" that he thought me so angelic, and I accepted and tolerated our "vanilla-flavored" sex life because my husband seemed to love me so much.

But now everything is different. Why should I settle for half a sex life? (Yes, I admit Krazy71's post has me all riled up...). I was a good wife!!! H even said so! I met every single one of his needs! I can't help he would not LET me meet his need for oral sex. No, instead he had to turn to a stranger and give her something which he withheld from me. It makes me so angry!! So what now??? H has been tested for STD's and are ready to resume our sex life. But maybe I am no longer willing to settle for missionary-style sex with someone who can't "keep it up" any other way. Maybe I want all the kinky things I have fantasized about for the past ten years. No, not even kinky....NORMAL things, that normal husbands and normal wives do!! How do I make THAT happen??

I know my H finds me attractive. I am ten times better looking than his wh0re was!! I was Homecoming Queen in HS, for crying out loud.!!.yes, it was fifteen years ago, but still...I am fit and I look good! I just don't understand why he went to HER, when I was available and willing!! WHY HER????? It is killing me...

And yes, my H is in IC, and we are in MC.

This is all just so depressing...

Julia

Questions: Do you have kids? How long have you been married?

We have been married for ten years, with two young sons, ages 3 & 6.

We met in college. I had one boyfriend before him, my high-school sweetheart, that I was romantic with, but never sexually intimate. My husband was my first lover.

Julia

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It sounds like he might have that Madonna/Wh*re going on there. Who knows?

Does he ever explain why he was willing to throw away a good wife and 2 kids for a BJ?

Calm down if you can. I am sorry for your pain.
Is your H having ANY contact with this ho? If she is married, her H needs to know about her activities.

Speak to your H about your concerns. It sounds to me like he has some intimacy and sexuality issues that would be best helped through therapy. The fact that he was unwilling to do these things with you suggests that he considers them dirty in some way. i would schedule an appointment with a MC that also deals with sexuality issues to get to the root of this issue(I think that you need to be part of these discussions so a MC that handles both would be in order...hopefully your current MC touches on this stuff).

Just a suggestion...you can get your point across on here without such a "descriptive" recounting of the gory details. Many people would be triggered by your inclusion of those details.

Please do things to take care of yourself and make sure your H gets help. I am happy to see that you already had a polygraph done...very smart.

Best of luck to you.

That's where I was headed too...

What was his relationship like with is mother? I know, weird question, but relevant.

believer,

His intent was never to throw our family away. He liked having his nice family and welcoming home and "good girl" wife. And he sure liked having his "bad girl" ho on the side. I am quite certain he never would have told me had I not caught him in the act. Their arrangement very well could have continued indefinitely. What a trusting and hopelessly blind fool I was.

Oh, and she is single, by the way, so there is no spouse to expose to. They had quite a sordid little arrangement. He paid her monthly rent, and she, in return, visited him during those lonely, late nights at the office, for a BJ and dirty talk. I guess my H liked to call her nasty names while she pleasured him. How lovely.

I honestly do not feel like I know my husband at all. I feel like I have been completely fooled by this man who has always treated me with such gentlemanly regard. I am so confused and so unsure of myself. How could I have been so wrong about somebody? How could I not have seen the signs?

Like I said before, it's all so very depressing.

Julia

Please consider getting this book----> Passionate Marriage

Read it and then give it to your H.

~ Marsh

Julia, I am certainly not an expert but I agree with MakeEveryDay's assessment that this is a self esteem/sexual problem your husband has that he must work through. It looks as if he values and loves you and probably thinks his desire for Oral and dirty talk is wrong and beneath you. Understand that he must deal with what makes him feel that way and that it does not necessarily have anything to do with you.

Good that you are seeing a MC - they should recognize this and know how to deal with it if WH is honest about his feelings.

Best of luck and stay strong,
-JC

mkeverydaycnt,

I think I am very calm. My H is still alive and his extremities are still attached, after all!

Seriously, though, I am the type of person who strives to see all sides of any situation. I have tried to look at this from his point of view, but I just can't see it!!

This is going to sound crazy, but if he had told me that he loved her, then at least I could understand the intimacy he shared with her. But what they had was NOTHING!! Nothing! He ended their arrangement that night, right in front of me. There were no tears or dramatics from either of them. I was the only one crying!!! They were completely detached from one another. I just don't understand how that can be. I must be the biggest idiot alive.

Oh, and I edited my first post....I'm sorry....I didn't think when I wrote it....I would never want to cause anybody any pain. It's just that it is very vivid to me since I had the misfortune of acutally seeing them in the act. Ugh. Sorry.

And yes, our MC has touched on the intimacy and sexuality issues. He is also discussing much of this in IC too, but hasn't been willing to share the details with me so far. I hope he will feel safe enough with me to do so eventually....

Julia

Thanks for the book suggestion, Marshmallow. I have been doing a lot of reading, just trying to gain some understanding of the situation.

I also want to add that I really, really, REALLY love my husband!! I want to understand him, and I want to do everything I can to help us get through this. I know he loves me; he knows I love him, and if there is a way through this, I know I will find it.

I try to be positive, but sometimes the negativity and anger creeps in. I need to try harder...

Julia

Julia,

I know you love him and want to work through this and build a better marriage...you've certainly come to the right place.

Marriage Builders is THE best!!!

I really believe that book will help you too.



Your anger is certainly understandable and reasonable!!! So, go easy on yourself, K?

Looks like you are channeling it in a positive and healthy way... looking for answers and solutions.

Keep posting here, you'll get lots of support.

~ Marsh