The agony of d-day is so overwhelming and shocking that it's hard to imagine that the pain will EVER end. It's like falling off of a cliff and into a black hole, and in that moment....there doesn't seem to be any light at all at the end of the tunnel....and it's scary. You feel so alone.

This is a message of hope for people who are still in pain and still searching for forgiveness. Here are some things to hold on to and remember:

*The people here, have been in that place....and though we felt we might surely die of heartache....we are survivors. We have either moved on, or rebuilt our marriages, but all of us carry a strength that has been forged by this experience. It is not a good way to learn how to be strong....but we have learned none-the-less. You are not alone.

*Like a fire in the forest, new growth does spring from the blackest earth and life is forever changing and renewing itself. Don't give up on happiness, because the only thing that is really constant....is change. When things are really terrible....the knowledge that they will change....is something to grasp and remember.

*Don't forget to love yourself and put on your own oxygen mask first. Self care is the beginning of healing. And someone who takes care themselve is naturally more attractive.

*Hope is contagious. Keep the porch light on.

*Even though affairs are heady and exciting....they burn out quickly and the lasting bonds of marriage/family/children are very powerful. Give them time to work before giving up.

*Sleep
*Smile
*Eat
*Walk
*Read
*Journal

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I had never been suicidal until D-Day #3. That's worst than feeling ALONE. But I perservered, found MB and now we're beginning to make progress.

Thanks for the inspiration to go on, Starfish. You're a true blessing around here. (Your posts to Chrisner ~ just after the woodchipper days ~ helped me alot.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you,
Ace

Thank you for this.

There are days where I'll need this more than others.

Hope you are doing wonderful today.

Thank you for this post. My 1 year DDay is coming on Christmas Day, so I'm going to reread this post often over the next few weeks.

Finding MB has saved me many evenings when things got really bad....

I am almost ashamed to admit that I had thoughts of suicide too. I feel shame because I know the value of life and I know how important my life is to my children and the people who count me. It's hard to believe that I could let a cheating man give me thoughts of taking my own life. Sheesh One of the most empowering things I've gotten out of this experience was the true conviction that I'll never be that vulnerable again. I choose not to be. I'm not saying I'll be "closed" or inaccessable emotionally....but I won't be so dependent on my spouse that the loss will break me if HE fails. Why should I suffer for his failure?

Thank you for the beautiful encouragement.

I survived my "dark days" (as I like to refer to those first 2 months after D-day) because of the people here who had alreadly lived theirs.

I feel so much stronger, but know that my FWS and I have much to forge through as we soon face our year of 1st anniversaries.

I am grateful that I can continue to come here to receive support, encouragement, and advice from those who have been through what I will go through this year and to offer help to those that are now in their "dark days".

Starfish,

Could you please post (or link) your testimony to/on the Succeess Story thread?

Thanks,
Ace

Jamesus, Chai....This place was my lifeline. I am very happy today, and I know that part of that was learning and implementing the things I learned here. I hope each of you has peace during the holidays. Blessings!

Ace,

My story is so looong.....There is a really old thread on JFO that has most of it I think....but it's probably 20 pages worth! If I have time in the next few days....maybe I could put a more abbreviated version together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Star

Where does it end ....? Thats a very big question.

When the darkness makes us think that removing our life from the pain is the only way to remove the pain from our life we cannot even IMAGINE ever being happy again; Smiling again; Having a waking moment when we do not think about adultery and our hurt again.

But those of us who hang tough can eventually arrive at a place where we are not consumed by pain at the betrayal.

But is THAT the "end" ? Or is there a place where there are no negative consequences of an A to drag any of our days down ?

Its an interesting question ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hey Bob,

Your imagery reminds me of that movie "The Mission". Robert De Niro plays a man who kills his brother over a woman. He is so broken by the loss/shame, that as penance he ties his brother's armor to his body and has to drag it everywhere he goes. His struggle is excruciating to watch....and finally a priest cuts him loose.

I remember once noodle said something along the lines of....the "walking wounded" drag around the carcasses of what once was our marriages. Our old marriages are dead. We mourn for them. And we can't carry around their carcasses and still be healthy. We must find the strength to build stronger, less vulnerable, healthier marriages out of the ashes of the ones we had.

I believe the blueprint for that....is here on MB.

Thanks SMB. I felt the same way, and stuck around to kind of pay it forward. Looks like you have the same thing in mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Star thank you for pointing out what so many can't see in the first few days,weeks, or sometimes months.

These forums and all who have taken time to post have had such a tremendous impact on me, I'm forever grateful.

Great post Star*Fish and timely too as there seems to be some seriously shocked/scared newcomers at the moment.

They need encouragement to face the truth and that there is hope of a happy future.

"but I won't be so dependent on my spouse that the loss will break me if HE fails."

This is where I think I failed to protect myself in the past. While I don't want to make the same mistake my WXH made, being so afraid to love that he used adultery and OW to keep form committing to his wife/marriage and thereby risk being hurt if/when he went through a divorce... I also don't want to ever worship a mere mortal man again to the point that he becomes more important to me than my relationship with God or myself.

mvg, you are so welcome

meremortal,


WOW....very powerful words! You said it so much better than I did. Thank you so much.

Your words spoke directly to my heart, as I one of those horrid moments on Monday.

A little background: FWH and I had been in the bank about a month ago trying to close the account he opened when he left. He introduced me to the new manager as his wife and told her we just got back from Vegas. She was polite. Can't remember her exact response, but do remember thinking that she was under the impression we had just gotten married in Vegas. (I have killer gut instincts.)

Keep in mind, this has been "our" bank for 20 years and his business' bank forever. But I am never IN the bank myself.

So about a week later, he says this same manager told him to be sure to bring his cute, little wife back in to meet so and so. They wanted to meet me. I am thinking again, the same thing...Do they really think we just got married??? (gut instinct again--now that I have the A timeline, I know that I even felt "it" IMMEDIATELY when "it" started--that's how "on" my gut usually is.)

I go in this week to close the account that we tried to close earlier (he had my name added to it when we couldn't close it). Then I make a deposit into the account that we have shared for 20 YEARS!!!

Teller (who has been there forever. I remember her from years ago when I used to go IN the bank.) says to me, "It's so nice to meet you." I smile in ignorant bliss. Then she says (my stomach is churning just thinking about this again), "I had heard FWS just got married."

My head started spinning and my body, I know, was shaking. I responded, "No I am the same wife he's had for 20 years."

She apologized and felt embarrassed. No, they don't know what I'ved lived the last 9 months. BUT "I" DO. So that comment devasted me, cut me to the core.

I left the bank, got in my van, and sobbed and shook, and called my FWH (whom I had just left from having lunch with). He was panicked as he heard my sobbing. I finally was able to get out what had happened.

Of course, he felt HORRIBLE. Asked if I wanted him to come and get me. I settled down and took myself home.

FWH did everything right that day. He called me about every 2 hours and emailed me repeatedly. He was missing his right hand person that day, and I know if he had been there, FWH would have come home.

I cried off and on most of the day. I got slapped with one of those consequences of the A that we don't see coming.

We have had so many great days together. I didn't see this coming. I know more will come and that really really sucks. I don't want to feel that anymore.

I didn't mean to ramble so on this thread. I was going to make this short.

Tell me this will end???

Oh, one more thing. I decided to "claim" this moment. I now sign all my emails to FWH, "Your Wife, The One and The Only". OW will NEVER get that spot! FWS loves my new sig.

Hey SMB,

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SMB & TST}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I understand that downswing of the rollercoaster...been there recently myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Feel free to TJ my recovery thread Smiles & Trials 2 on the R. forum when you just need to vent. Or, you might consider starting your own recovery thread just to journal/vent in a safe place where folks can help when you're not particularly asking. Often that's when I get the best answers.

Ace

I agree with Ace y'all....one of the best ways to get the best advice is to establish am ongoing thread and settle in with some posters who really care about you. It helps you stay under the radar of controversy too, and is great for the board as well because newbies can find whole threads with stories of healing that evolve.

I received life-changing help for my PERSONAL RECOVERY struggles here on GQII but almost ALL of those folks are gone now with BR's leavetaking...

I've not read all the posts on this thread yet..

But I still believe TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS..with continued treatment, that is..

My five year D-Day anniversary is December 31 and I can truly say that the HURT is almost healed...

But did you hear me say 5 years?

I couldn't imagine the H that I have NOW having an affair.

But, THANKFULLY, I KNOW HE COULD. Make sense?

It keeps me SHARP on continuing to be THE BEST WIFE that I CAN BE..and that's OUR WORK..on OURSELVES...

We can't change the past. We can only work on TODAY and the FUTURE..

But truthfully THE PAIN will be with you for a long time coming...

Reach out..we'll be there...

By the way, SMB, as much as it continues to bug me, my H continues to warn me about certain places and routes..TO PROTECT ME..

He'll say BAD PEOPLE are there..or he/she is a BAD PERSON..we even have a CODE WORD that he uses to WARN me to scram...

Working together as a TEAM on this, has helped to strengthen OUR MARRIAGE even further...

Our eventual plan is to move to a different city...