I guess I may have been premature in thinking I'd been compromised so I thought I'd start posting updates to my stich again.

For anyone who hasn't read my story, here's the short version.

22 yr marriage. Two sons, 19 & 15. Relocated for work 1 year ago. ~5 months later WW starts PA with co-worker. BS (me) discovers A 9/4/07. WW refuses to stop A. Plan A. Exposure to OMW 11/12/07, since then the rollercoaster of these things, but it seems the A is falling apart.

Before I had my thread deleted I had told everyone that last Saturday WW had taken off for the day and I was 99% sure she went to see OM. I immediately called OMW when she left for the day. She contacted OM a number of times and thought they weren't together. Since then I've discovered some more info from OMW that makes me think they might not have been together (his cell records indicate he was 90 miles from where WW could have been with the miles she put on our car about the time she would have got there). I know he could have left right after that, but with the stuff below I just don't think he did.

OM is also doing everything in his power to try and get OMW to forgive him and not divorce him.

WW's anger since she returned Saturday has been even worse than exposure night. She sent me an email yesterday that was so ugly that if I hadn't been talking to SH or the good people on these boards I'd have walked immediately. My feeling is that there are a number of things that could have gone on (or not gone on) Saturday, but whatever happened it didn't go as she planned.

Talked to SH yesterday and pretty much agreed that it seems like this A is falling apart and her anger at me is because I'm the one separating the addict from her drug.

SH wants me to try to get WW to go to a MB weekend with me. Try to get her to understand that I want her to be happy in our marriage, not just me, and that I want nothing more from her than to see if she thinks it's possible following MB principles. That was before the scathing email yesterday so I think I'll just give her some more time to get through this WD before bringing that up. SH says it's really no hurry as I know where her anger is coming from and now I just need to continue Plan A, fill whatever EN's she'll let me (even though she's not seeing it) and wait for the fog to lift some.

I know not to get my hopes up too high, but today I am beginning to think the A is really over. Might get slapped down again, but I do think it's in it's final chapter. Now just need to get through the WD crap.

HFU.

HFU, keep the faith !

Thanks mvg. I'm trying. Some days I'm really down and don't know if I can take it any more and then something happens that lifts my confidence and spirits and I feel like nothing can stop me!

Last night was one of those down times. It was my work Christmas party and WW would not go with me. So there I sit, the boss of the group, most of the people who work for me having their spouses by their sides and I just felt empty. It just wasn't right. We've always enjoyed our work parties together and I was just really down.

But then on the way home I was talking to my brother about last weekends events and he said to me "ya know, whatever comes of this I am so proud of how you have handled yourself and you're a better person than I could ever be". This filled me with emotion. My brother is 7 years older than me, but we have been best friends for a long time. I look up to him as no other (well, maybe my dad, but that's different). And for him to say that just made me feel like I was the king of the world. I always knew it, but at that moment I think I realized that no matter what the outcome of my marriage, through this I have rediscovered just how blessed I am with my family and friends. They are true in all senses of the word.

I got a little misty when I read this part. It is really touching that your brother thinks so highly of you. It speaks volumes about how you are handling the situation. Take care.

I have to agree with suamico!

HFU, I'm so glad you have someone to talk to and give you support. Not having your EN's met is hard on you. Plan A is so demanding and draining.

Keep us updated, and keep up the good work.

Thanks guys. It means a lot. I know I should have added how blessed I feel having all the MBers out there supporting me, and you guys don't even know me.

Last night was ok. WW actually said a few words to me, and not in an angry tone. I was a little worried at first. Her talking to me made me think that she'd been in contact with OM and was letting her guard down a bit.

But then this morning came and she's back to not acknowledging my existance. I told her to have a good day at work and she didn't even look at me. I went out to leave for work and my truck was covered in ice so I started it up to melt the ice and went back inside for a few minutes. When I was leaving I told her it was icy outside so be careful on the way to work and again she didn't even acknowledge me. Guess it was icy inside too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

That's about it. I know the vets here have told me that WD is terrible. I guess I know now what you all mean. I would kill for just a little response, a little affection, heck, I'd kill for her to just look at me when I say something to her. But I try to not let my pain show.

That's about it. I know the vets here have told me that WD is terrible. I guess I know now what you all mean. I would kill for just a little response, a little affection, heck, I'd kill for her to just look at me when I say something to her. But I try to not let my pain show.


Keep your chin up. Do something for yourself! She is not able to at this point and might not be able to for awhile. You are doing well, just keep Plan A'ing!

Thanks for the words of encouragement mvg. I just read your thread and I've recognized a lot of the same stuff in your situation in mine.

I have to always remind myself I can't will WW to do anything, that I have to make the changes to myself. I also know that my plan A must be working on some level because prior to exposure to OMW I saw some text messages between WW and OM where she was questioning their relationship and indications that she actually was enjoying some of our time together.

I also have been trying to learn to recognize her actions and not her words, which are very hurtful, when she says anything. Sometimes the silence is even worse. But she is still home, still decorating for the holidays, makes dinner most nights (which I used to do mostly), and sometimes, just sometimes I catch her words not so angry, but more down. I take those as small steps in her coming out of it, but I'm just an impatient person and want her to snap out of it and say "Wow, I screwed up, lets make our marriage better than ever". But I know I can't expect that from her right now.

H4U:

Sorry you deleted the earlier thread, lots of good stuff there for you to have handy for reference, etc.

I just wanted to ask about plan A activities?

Could you have started her car, and started melting her Ice? Was it in the garage, and not an issue? She not leaving for an Hour?

That was a chance.

Hug her. "I'm glad your BACK"

Then walk away.

LG

Thanks LG. I was hoping you'd find my new thread. I appreciate your advise and sometimes your 2x4's.

Plan A activities. Whether she goes or not I've been going out to dinner, sometimes with my son and sometimes by myself. I continue to do things around the house that I've always done like cleaning the bathrooms (WW hates cleaning bathrooms), doing dishes, taking care of all the manly things (don't shoot me ladies, you know what I mean), sweeping the house, taking our son driving (he has his temps), going to the grocery store (which I always did before), reading books (I love to read but have let that slip the last couple years), I've lost 82 lbs (I wasn't fat before, I'm more of a NFL lineman build) and with 7 more lbs I'll be at my HS graduation weight. I've been spending more time with our son (although with a 15 y.o. they don't let you spend TOO much time with them, that wouldn't be cool). I always talk to WW in a soft, respectful voice even if she doesn't respond (or responds in a way to provoke a fight, but I'm not biting). A couple times a week I either leave her a note on her purse before I leave for work or send her an IM at work telling her I hope she has a good day or telling her I'm thinking of her. I'm going to get a card in the next couple days (one of those thinking of you cards) and put the chorus from "our" song in it (it's a Cyndi Lauper song called "time after time" and the chorus goes "If you're lost and you look, you will find me, time after time....if you fall, I will catch you, I will be waiting, time after time.) How fitting is it that that song is "our" song?

Any other suggestions for a good plan A?

Her car is in the garage. We have a two car garage but my truck is a big work truck that won't fit with her car and the mower, etc in it, but it's a good thought.

As far as hugs go, the last time I tried to hug her it was like I had the plague. I decided for her it was probably a LB for me to do that right now so I've stopped for a bit. I also noticed that when I would get out of the shower in the mornings she would leave the vanity area until I got undies on so I've started taking undies into the shower area with me and putting them on before I leave that area and she seems to be staying at the vanity now. She has also let me see her in her bra and undies a couple times in the last week. Might not seem like much, but to me it's a good sign as she hasn't let that happen in a couple months.

Baby steps I say!

The hug and run technique: My H would do this to me. If he could find me sitting in a chair, he would come up behind me
and wrap his arms around me, kiss me very lightly on the head or ear, whisper "I appreciate you" or "I love you" and take off. I don't care how upset I was with him at the time, it still made the hairs on my arms stand up and gave me goosebumps. Do this and you won't see her reaction, and you will have left a loving imprint on her. GF

Thanks Going Forward, that's a good idea. Maybe when I go up to bed (by myself) I'll just give her arm a little squeeze when I say good night and walk away. She'll hate it now, but I like that suggestion. I'm trying it tonight!

Your post brings up a question I've been thinking about. How much, or do I say at all, "I love you" at this point? If she's in WD did you like to hear that or was it somewhat of an LB?

I was bad, I would reply "this week?' I didn't know about LB's at the time. I was the "vindictive BS".

Given her position of being up on her hind legs, I would go with the appreciate phrase or " Good morning, ____insert pet name, or "good night_______" Maybe even, she smells
great, looks great, etc. If she isn't ready for ILY I would work up to that.She KNOWS you love her, evidenced by the fact that you are still there. Another thing, be the first to smile and say Good Morning, If you have a little cutesey face, use that on her.
This will take her back to the happier days.

Do not dispair, you seem to be working a good plan A.

I agree you seem to be getting tiny signs of her coming out of the fog. We all know that it takes time to give up an addiction

Continue with your patient plan A.

I take those as small steps in her coming out of it, but I'm just an impatient person and want her to snap out of it and say "Wow, I screwed up, lets make our marriage better than ever". But I know I can't expect that from her right now.

You are ahead of the game then! I still have trouble with that concept.

I like that hug & run idea. It worked for me too. I'd just walk up behind WH when on computer or something, kiss his head, never say anything and walk off. It got his attention.

Keep up the good plan A!!!

ERRRRRRRRR.....I hate this.

Last night WW was different. Seemed her anger is subsiding more into depression. She's been sleeping more and is more down than angry. She actually had a conversation with me concerning Christmas that was fairly civil. She also actually responded to me when I asked her how the roads were etc yesterday morning (we had some ice). So I'm thinking woohoo....it's a small step in the transition from anger to depression, but it's there.

Then this morning I asked WW if she wanted to go Christmas shopping tonight and she said she was going out with some people from work for a bit. Aghhhhhh. This is what she always did with OM when he lived in the area and also what she had said she was doing after he moved 4 hours away and he was coming back to hook up with her. She'd leave work at 2:00 and come home around 9 or 10. So now I'm paranoid that he's coming to the area so they can get together....

But...she didn't wear any special undies & matching bra today. Didn't do her nails last night, didn't do any special primping this morning which she always did/does when she's getting together with OM. She also told our son that she didn't plan on being out long.

Am I being paranoid? I think I need to just not worry about it today and see what time she comes home and what kind of mood she's in when she gets home. Part of me thinks it's nothing and then all the lies come flooding back from before and I think she's got something up her sleeve.

This is what I hate about the whole thing. It's just up and down the rollercoaster goes.

Yeah the rollercoaster ride is rough. Hang in there.

If you could double check messages to see if she's contacted OM or not might help you see if she's going where she says.

Otherwise IMO you have to wait and see when she comes home.

Keep up the good plan A! You're doing well.

It's amazing what a difference a few hour can make!

This morning, feeling kind of down and then I get an email from OMW. She has told OM that their marriage is over unless he agrees to certain conditions. One of those conditions is he agrees to some type of counseling. That was early this week. OM said no, counseling is for pu*****. So OMW said, we're done then. OM tried to call/text her all week and she didn't answer once. Well, in that email OMW said OM had agreed to counseling. Not personal one on one, but he's agreed to read whatever books she asks him too. OMW is ok with that approach even though she knows IC would be better.

If OM has agreed to this it shows me he really does want his M to work. I could get the shock of my life and at some point WW and OM get back together under even more cover, but it sure seems like it's over.

And I'm beginning to think last Saturday was a turning point for WW. I really think she intended on getting together with OM, but he either didn't show up or if he did told WW it was over. There has just been a change in WW's demeanor the last couple days. The extreme anger just isn't there like it was. More of a depression than anything. I think that's a good sign that it's over. Might give me a chance soon to try to get her to commit to our marriage.

Now I just need to continue to meet whatever EN's she'll let me while going through WD and see if she starts to come out of the fog.

What's everyone think?

Is it in the water or what?

A friend of mine just sent me an email asking about this website. I asked why and she said she found out her H was now a WH right before Thanksgiving. She had been one of my confidants early on after my discovery of my WW's A.

She's a wreck as you can imagine. I've pointed her here. Hopefully we all can help her as much as you guys have helped me.

Incidentally, WW left work an hour late today. That gives me even more confidence that she's not seeing OM. If he was coming to visit she would have left work 5 minutes early!

I know I have a long way to go, but I at least feel like I'm making progress which gives me renewed energy to carry on!

Good work HFU! I hope that your WW has turned the tide. It sounds like the deep freeze is thawing a bit. Keep up the plan A.